00:00 – Is Losing Yourself in a Relationship a Real Thing?
00:35 – Meet Dr. Morgan Cope & Her Research on Relationships & Identity
01:00 Understanding Identity in Relationships
03:07 – Attachment Styles and Identity
07:30 – Impact of Breakups on Identity
24:42 – Mental and Physical Effects of Breakups
30:27 – Fear of Being Single
32:02 – Changing the Environment vs Changing Yourself
36:56 – Rebounding and Self-Expansion
39:14 – Identity and Values Assessment
44:11 – Cult Psychology and Group Identity
51:21 – Personal Growth Through Relationship Challenges

The First Step in Recovering From a Breakup: Validation

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The First Step in Recovering From a Breakup: Validation

I’m a therapist now and often help people heal from the pain of a breakup or divorce in breakup therapy. But I wasn’t always. I think one of the reasons I have so much genuine compassion for people recovering from a breakup and going through heartbreak is because I’ve been there too.

Recovering From a Breakup: What Is Heartbreak?

Heartbreak can mean something different to each person that experiences it. You could be feeling heartbroken over a boyfriend or girlfriend, or it may be a friendship coming to an end.

Change in our lives can be difficult, even scary, and going through it alone is even harder. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience this feeling, it is always valid. I’m sharing a personal story of my own in the hope that it helps you to realize that this is something that most of us, unfortunately, will go through. 

What Does Heartbreak Feel Like?

One of the most harrowing, soul-crushing life experiences I’ve ever had was during a breakup. I was very young, barely in high school. I was too young, looking back now, to handle the emotional intensity of that relationship — but it was what it was.

My parent’s unhappy marriage had become a pressure cooker of resentments that was finally cracking and pulling apart at the seams. While my mom and dad were preoccupied with their own problems I developed a deep connection with… let’s call him James. 

He was my age but seemed older: passionate, intense, demanding. Neither of us had much else to attach to, so we clung to each other. We spent every day together, every night on the phone. He drove me to school and carried my books.

He loved me intensely, and my fragile self felt strengthened by that love. If James thought I was so special, then maybe I was. For the first time in my life, I felt important and irreplaceable. His love made me worth something.

We were together for two years (the equivalent of two decades, in high school years). We were the ever-stable unit within a group of friends that was my world. I’m not exactly sure when the attraction began between him and my best friend, Laura.

But when I was sixteen, I felt things changing. The love I’d come to depend on from him faded. He seemed remote and irritable with me. The mirror he held up that had once shown me that I was cherished now showed me that I was annoying.

Our love was something that I’d come to depend on, and it seemed as certain as gravity. I wanted him to be happy with me again, but when I asked about the emotional detachment I was feeling from him, he agreed… and said he wanted to break up — in the middle of the holidays. I was shocked. But it was done.

I felt like I’d been kicked out of Eden, and into a nightmarish dream-world of pain and betrayal. It’s always painful to see your Ex with someone else, but Laura was a friend, and worse than that, she lived across the street from me.

Late at night, I sat in darkness, fanning cigarette smoke out the window and listening to even darker music, and watched James’s nocturnal visits to Laura’s house. I watched him slipping into Laura’s bedroom, conveniently located just behind the sliding glass door on the ground level (her parents sleeping in ignorance, three stories above).

Other nights I watched her silently run to the waiting car packed with friends — my friends — that was idling, headlights off, at the bottom of the hill. I watched them all drive away to the subversive, smokey midnight gatherings that had been the glue of my teenage social life, while I sat alone in the darkness, envisioning the two most important people in my world with their arms wrapped around each other in the dark backseat of the car.

I felt like my guts had been scooped out and replaced with broken glass. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about my Ex. I couldn’t speak without my voice cracking into tears. I felt like I walked the halls of my high school covered in blood, enveloped in a repellant fog of aching vulnerability. I had lost.

A career politician is less sensitive to falling political power than a sixteen-year-old, and my former friends set their gaze firmly on distant objects over my shoulder as we passed in the hall. James had moved on, taking my value with him. They confirmed his judgment. I felt worthless.

I felt trapped and entirely powerless. I had to go to school. I had to see them every day and watch them every night. I couldn’t get away. I had to sit in classes, watching notes being passed, plans being made, eyes being rolled in my direction. Every day brought a new trauma to endure.

Healing From Heartbreak Program with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dr. Lisa - Breakup Expert

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Healing after a relationship loss happens in stages. If you can’t let go, it means that you’ve gotten stuck somewhere in the process. Let’s break you free.

Take this free, two-minute quiz to discover exactly what stage you need to work through, and what to do next in order to heal, grow, and move forward.

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How To Find Validation When Recovering From a Breakup

It was around this time that my parents brought me to see a shrink. This was my first experience, and I was hopeful. She was youthful, with curly hair in a banana clip, and the stiff nebula of fluffy bangs arranged into a cupcake on her forehead that was so prized by my peers.

I told her what was happening to me; as best I could. I told her that my boyfriend and best friend across the street were together now and that I missed my ex and had been abandoned by all my friends. What I really meant to say was, “I am dying. Help me.”

She apparently heard me say, “It’s just Puppy Love, I’m fine,” so she smiled kindly, gave me a relationship book, and told me that I should get more exercise. I drove to the trailhead and sat in my car, and looked at it for a while, chain-smoking cigarettes with tears rolling down my face. I knew that there was no help for me.

No one in my life had tolerance for my being a seething mess of pain. My parents were anxious about me but had no idea what to do. Once when I was crying hysterically, my mother offered me a whiskey sour.

I’d been trivialized by my therapist. I felt entirely alone. I was flailing. I started asking teachers that I felt close to for advice. My science teacher said that it would just take time to get over my breakup.

My piano teacher listened with great compassion and told me that it was James’s fault. But my psychology teacher, Mrs. Gibbs, really saw me. She got it. And I will never forget what she said:

“My high school breakup was worse than my divorce. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.”

And at that moment, I felt the first peace and healing that I’d felt in months. To have another human being validate the fact that what was happening was horribly traumatizing to me, was an incredibly meaningful and important piece of my journey of healing.

I felt like I was drowning, and Mrs. Gibbs threw me a life ring. Her words didn’t pull me out, but they did keep me afloat. I wasn’t crazy. There wasn’t something wrong with me because I was so devastated. It was real.

Why Do I Need Validation (From An Ex Or Otherwise)?

And that is what I’d like to offer you today: A simple acknowledgment of the fact that what you are going through is agonizing, traumatizing, and very difficult to heal from. 

You might think you should just be able to “get over it.” That is simply not true. (Here are lots more information on that subject if you’re curious about why I can say that with such certainty).

You have every right in the world to be sad, grieving, and even afraid. The life that you had just got exploded into little bits and thrown in the air, and the pieces are going to be swirling and reassembling themselves for a long time.

And some of those pieces may have names like “Rage,” “Fear,” “Guilt,” “Rejection,” and “Pain,” not to mention the experience so profane that there is not a word for it in our language: the experience of being victimized by someone you thought loved you. Perhaps there is some nifty 19-syllable German word that combines “the pain of betrayal” with “shame of rejection.” If not, let’s put it in the suggestion box.

If you take anything from my story, let it be this: As much as the people in your life might want you to — as much as YOU probably want to — you cannot “just get over it.”

There is nothing wrong with you because you feel this way. Other people — everyone, in fact — goes through this too, sooner or later. And as horrible as this experience is, you can find closure and heal.

I know this because my sixteen-year-old self grew up to be a shrink. What I do for a living now is walk into the darkness to find people, and help them back out. I’ve walked this journey many times now, and I know how to help people heal.

Step one in healing: know that your pain is valid, legitimate, and understandable. It is okay to not be okay for a while. And you are not alone. There is support for you.

How to Heal From Heartbreak

You’ve already done something powerful just by reading this article—by recognizing that what you’re feeling matters. That your pain deserves to be seen, heard, and held with compassion.

Now let’s talk about what comes next. Because validation is only the beginning. There’s a whole journey waiting for you—one that helps you actually heal, not just survive. And you don’t have to walk that path alone.

That’s where the Heal From Heartbreak Program comes in.

It’s a full-on, soul-deep transformation designed to walk you step-by-step through all 9 stages of healing—so you can finally stop obsessing about your ex, reclaim your self-worth, and feel excited about your future again.

Inside the program, you’ll get:

  • Expert guidance from licensed therapists and heartbreak recovery coaches who get it
  • Structured lessons that go beyond inspiration and give you practical tools that work
  • Emotional freedom tools to help you let go—for real this time
  • Insights that connect the dots between this breakup and your relationship patterns
  • A clear roadmap so you don’t just move on—you grow forward

Whether you want to heal privately at your own pace in the Growth Academy, join the weekly live group coaching calls in the Growth Collective, or work 1:1 with a coach in the Growth Experience, there’s a path that fits your needs, your style, and your budget.

This isn’t about pretending you’re okay. This is about actually becoming okay—deep in your bones. It’s about standing up, brushing yourself off, and choosing to turn this pain into power. Because you? You are not broken. You are becoming.

And you can start right now.

👉 Explore the Heal From Heartbreak Program

With all the best to you on your journey of recovery,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. — Wondering where you really are in your recovery journey? Take the Breakup Quiz: How Over Your Ex Are You? to get a personalized report that tells you what stage of healing you’re in and what your next step should be to recover from your breakup.

Also, if someone you care about is going through a heartbreak right now, send them this article. Sometimes, hearing they’re not alone is the best gift you can give.

Resources

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0217320

Sprecher, S., Felmlee, D., Metts, S., Fehr, B., & Vanni, D. (1998). Factors Associated with Distress Following the Breakup of a Close Relationship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(6), 791-809. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407598156005

From Heartbreak to Healing: Your Next Chapter Starts Here

How to Get Over a Breakup — For Good.

There are nine distinct stages of healing after relationship loss. If you miss one, you’ll get stuck. Dr. Lisa’s one-of-a-kind, comprehensive system guides you productively through all, with the support of group coaching and 1:1 sessions. Learn more about How to Heal From Heartbreak →

How Long To Get Over a Breakup? Find Out.

When will you finally get over your breakup, and be emotionally free from your ex? How over your ex are you? What’s your breakup recovery timeline? What do YOU need to do next, in order to move forward? Access Dr. Lisa’s confidential, free Breakup Quiz here, and find out →

Online Breakup and Divorce Support Group

You’re not alone. Heal your heart in our positive, affirming online breakup and divorce support group, with weekly group coaching led by an experienced divorce and breakup recovery counselor, plus 24/7 access to an affirming community of support. Learn more about Dr. Bobby’s Heartbreak Growth Collective →

Get Relationship Clarity Through Discernment Counseling

Should you end this? Or is there still hope for your relationship? Find out, and get the clarity and confidence you need to move forward, through a special (rare) type of couples work designed for this. Learn about discernment counseling →

You’re Not Alone In This: Let Us Help You

We have so many ways to support you during this difficult time including structured programs, group coaching, and 1:1 private sessions. Which path is right for you? Have a free consultation, to discuss your situation, your options, and the best path forward. Schedule Your Free Consultation →

Need Encouragement? Perspective? Guidance? It’s Here: Free Divorce & Breakup Advice

You’re going through a painful time, and Dr. Lisa is here for you. Get her guidance for free, right now in this curated podcast playlist and content collection she put together just for you. Access her Healing From Heartbreak Collection →

Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love

Why is it so hard to let go, even when you know you should? In her award-winning “Exaholics” book, Dr. Lisa explains why, and illuminates the path forward towards emotional liberation, growth, and recovery. Get your copy of Exaholics, right here →

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex — And How to Break Free

Can you ever stop loving someone? Want to know how to get over an ex? Learn how to stop thinking about someone so you can move on.

What It Really Takes To Get Over Someone: The Stages of a Breakup

Withdrawal, grieving, growing, rebuilding: Understanding the stages of recovery are vital to your healing process after a divorce. Learn about the stages of breakup recovery…

Yes, You Can Create an Amicable Divorce

You’re divorcing, and your biggest fear is what will happen to the kids. How can you make this as okay as possible for them? Learn how to achieve an amicable divorce →

Stop a Divorce

The threat of divorce can actually be a turning point for a marriage if you understand how to use it as an opportunity to foster healing. In this podcast, learn how to stop a divorce →

Why Do You Keep Going Back? Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?

Profoundly unhealthy relationships can be the hardest to get over. Find out if you’re addicted to a toxic relationship.

When to Call It Quits

Is there still hope for your relationship, or is it best to part ways? Learn the signs that growth and healing are possible, vs. signs it’s time to call it quits in a relationship →

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity

Learn why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship, and the things you can do to empower and support yourself in your journey to emotional empowerment.

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

9 Comments

    1. Anita, how wonderful of you to explore options for your son as he’s going through a break up. It’s so hard when someone you love is suffering, isn’t it?
      Here are a few resources:

      Course: Heal Your Broken Heart Online Breakup Recovery Program
      Group: Online Breakup Support Group

      If you feel like he could benefit from talking to a professional breakup counselor, here’s a link to
      schedule a consultation for private breakup recovery coaching

      You can also direct him to our blog / podcast which has many free resources and articles for people going through breakups.

      Hope that helps Anita. Thanks for being such an awesome mom!!

      Lisa

      Reply

  2. Is it normal to still be feeling pain and loss 16 months after a breakup? I know it is definitely over but I wake up each day missing the life I had when things were good. The loneliness is intense at times. I know it’s best in the long term, but I still feel so lost. Thank you for sharing your story and for this website.

    Reply

    1. Thank you Chris. In my opinion it is not unusual to still be healing after a year. This is especially true (I have found) when the relationship is over, but you haven’t really done the work of processing the loss, learning and growing, finding forgiveness, and designing a new plan for you life. It’s like what the AA people call a “dry drunk” — they’ve stopped using alcohol but have not done the personal growth work of recovery yet. I hope that as you feel yourself moving forward and creating a new life for yourself that feels just as good — or dare I say — even better, there will come a time when you no longer wish for the life you had.

      As horrible as my own experience was, now I feel extremely grateful for everything that happened during that time of my life. It taught me a lot about what’s healthy for me and what isn’t. I learned about healthy relationships vs obsessive, dependent, toxic relationships. I learned a lot about friendship, and loyalty. I learned to have compassion for myself and others who are in pain. The growth work I did after that experience laid the groundwork for me to have healthy relationships, to trust myself, to release (okay, lessen) my need for the approval of others, and to go after my dreams. I shudder, now, to even think about the life that I might have led if we had NOT broken up. That breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me.

      My one regret is that I didn’t know at the time that I didn’t have to suffer for *quite* as long as I did. My story started when I was in high school and I was out of college before I finally got into therapy to work through the lingering fears, self esteem issues, and “relational PTSD” that I sustained. I wish, in hindsight, I did that sooner.

      You deserve support to not just heal, but wring all the wisdom and new self awareness from this Chris. Do the work! Use this experience to pole-vault yourself to the next level in your life. I know it is unimaginable but my hope for you is that when you’re on the other side of this, you can look back and feel grateful. We have a few options to help you here at Growing Self including private breakup recovery coaching, our online breakup recovery class (taught by yours truly) as well as an online breakup support group. At the very least, I hope you connect with a good therapist locally (one with breakup recovery experience and a positive approach please!), who can walk with you through the process of healing and growth.

      Your fellow traveler,
      Lisa Marie Bobby

      Reply

  4. Is it normal to still be feeling pain and loss 16 months after a breakup? I know it is definitely over but I wake up each day missing the life I had when things were good. The loneliness is intense at times. I know it’s best in the long term, but I still feel so lost. Thank you for sharing your story and for this website.

    Reply

  5. Anita, how wonderful of you to explore options for your son as he’s going through a break up. It’s so hard when someone you love is suffering, isn’t it?
    Here are a few resources:

    Course: Heal Your Broken Heart Online Breakup Recovery Program
    Group: Online Breakup Support Group

    If you feel like he could benefit from talking to a professional breakup counselor, here’s a link to
    schedule a consultation for private breakup recovery coaching

    You can also direct him to our blog / podcast which has many free resources and articles for people going through breakups.

    Hope that helps Anita. Thanks for being such an awesome mom!!

    Lisa

    Reply

  6. Thank you Chris. In my opinion it is not unusual to still be healing after a year. This is especially true (I have found) when the relationship is over, but you haven’t really done the work of processing the loss, learning and growing, finding forgiveness, and designing a new plan for you life. It’s like what the AA people call a “dry drunk” — they’ve stopped using alcohol but have not done the personal growth work of recovery yet. I hope that as you feel yourself moving forward and creating a new life for yourself that feels just as good — or dare I say — even better, there will come a time when you no longer wish for the life you had.

    As horrible as my own experience was, now I feel extremely grateful for everything that happened during that time of my life. It taught me a lot about what’s healthy for me and what isn’t. I learned about healthy relationships vs obsessive, dependent, toxic relationships. I learned a lot about friendship, and loyalty. I learned to have compassion for myself and others who are in pain. The growth work I did after that experience laid the groundwork for me to have healthy relationships, to trust myself, to release (okay, lessen) my need for the approval of others, and to go after my dreams. I shudder, now, to even think about the life that I might have led if we had NOT broken up. That breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me.

    My one regret is that I didn’t know at the time that I didn’t have to suffer for *quite* as long as I did. My story started when I was in high school and I was out of college before I finally got into therapy to work through the lingering fears, self esteem issues, and “relational PTSD” that I sustained. I wish, in hindsight, I did that sooner.

    You deserve support to not just heal, but wring all the wisdom and new self awareness from this Chris. Do the work! Use this experience to pole-vault yourself to the next level in your life. I know it is unimaginable but my hope for you is that when you’re on the other side of this, you can look back and feel grateful. We have a few options to help you here at Growing Self including private breakup recovery coaching, our online breakup recovery class (taught by yours truly) as well as an online breakup support group. At the very least, I hope you connect with a good therapist locally (one with breakup recovery experience and a positive approach please!), who can walk with you through the process of healing and growth.

    Your fellow traveler,
    Lisa Marie Bobby

    Reply

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