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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Having solid, supportive friendships is one of the keys to an authentically happy life, and is the noble goal of many people in coaching or therapy. And, let’s be real: making new friends as an adult is tough. Whether you’re deep into a career, busy raising a family, or simply trying to juggle all the responsibilities of adulting, finding the time—and courage—to build new friendships can feel like climbing Mount Everest.
In a recent episode of Love, Happiness & Success, I dove deep into this exact issue with Kelly Stout, a fantastic writer and journalist who explored the challenge of making friends in her essay, I Gave Myself a Month to Make One New Friend: How Hard Could That Be? That was published in Esquire magazine. Spoiler alert: it’s harder than it sounds!
Kelly’s experiences got me thinking about why we struggle to make new friends as adults, and what we can do about it. In this article, I’m sharing not only what we discussed on the podcast but also insights from psychological research on adult friendships to help you better understand what’s really going on—and how you can make it a little easier to connect with others.
The Science Behind Why Friendships Matter
Before we jump into the how, let’s talk about why friendships are so crucial to our happiness and well-being.
Research consistently shows that the quality of our relationships is one of the most important predictors of long-term happiness. It’s not necessarily about what’s going on inside of us (although working on ourselves is always a good idea). What really matters is the quality of our connections with others, especially our friendships. A study by Harvard Medical School on adult development found that strong relationships, more than wealth or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.
Loneliness has become a public health crisis. In fact, the U.S. Surgeon General has even declared loneliness an epidemic. Feeling isolated can have serious consequences, including increased risks of mental health issues like depression and anxiety, and physical health problems, such as heart disease and a weakened immune system. The antidote? Meaningful friendships.
Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult?
As we discussed in the podcast, building new friendships as an adult isn’t as simple as it was when we were younger. In our twenties, we may have had more unstructured time, fewer responsibilities, and the convenience of running into people regularly—whether it was through school, work, or social gatherings. But as we grow older, life circumstances change, and so do our opportunities for making new connections.
One of the biggest challenges is time. Between work, family commitments, and managing daily responsibilities, most adults simply don’t have the bandwidth to engage in the unplanned, spontaneous interactions that tend to nurture friendships. As Kelly pointed out in her essay, making a friend requires more than just bumping into someone you like—it involves creating the space for shared vulnerability and consistent interaction.Dr. Marisa Franco, author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, emphasizes that continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability are two key ingredients for forming deep friendships . The problem is, most of us aren’t in situations where those conditions naturally arise anymore. We’re busy, we’re tired, and in many cases, we’re also a little anxious about putting ourselves out there.
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The Emotional Barriers: Fear of Rejection and Vulnerability Hangovers
Another thing that came up in the podcast—and something many of us can relate to—is the fear of rejection. As adults, we’ve had years of life experiences that can make us more cautious about opening up to new people. We might wonder, “Am I coming across okay?” or “Will they like me?” That internal chatter can create a sense of self-consciousness that prevents us from being authentic in new social settings.
Kelly shared a moment from her experiment where she and a potential new friend decided to share secrets. While it initially felt like a bonding moment, Kelly later experienced what Brené Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover.” This is the uncomfortable feeling that follows after you’ve opened up, only to question whether you went too far . Vulnerability is necessary for building deep connections, but too much, too soon, can make us feel exposed and even more anxious.
How to Make Friends as an Adult: Practical Tips
So, if it’s so hard to make friends as an adult, what can you do? Here are a few strategies we discussed on the podcast that might help:
1. Give It Time—Friendships Take Effort
Friendships don’t develop overnight. In fact, research shows it takes about 50 hours of socializing to move from acquaintance to casual friend, and even more time to build a deeper bond . Be patient and give yourself (and the other person) grace as you invest in the relationship.
2. Be Intentional About Where You Spend Your Time
One of the biggest barriers to making new friends is the lack of opportunities for spontaneous interaction. If your daily routine doesn’t naturally bring you into contact with potential friends, you might need to create those opportunities. Join a club, take a class, or participate in a group activity where you’re likely to see the same people regularly.
3. Embrace Vulnerability (In Moderation)
Building trust with someone new requires opening up. That said, it’s important to pace yourself. Start with small disclosures and gradually increase the depth of what you share as the relationship grows. Don’t jump into the deep end of the pool immediately, over-disclosure can also turn people off. But making small steps in the direction of mutual intimacy allows both you and your new friend to feel comfortable and safe in the connection.
4. Don’t Be Afraid to Make the First Move
As we grow older, many of us become more hesitant to initiate social interactions. But here’s the thing: everyone is busy, and most people are likely feeling the same way you are. Don’t wait for someone else to invite you out. Take the initiative to reach out, whether it’s for a coffee, a walk, or just to catch up. Don’t like feeling rejected? Welp, it’s part of the experience. For some support on this topic, check out this podcast on rejection.
5. Use Technology to Your Advantage
While making friends online or through apps like Bumble for Friends might feel awkward at first, these platforms can be great tools for connecting with people in your area who are also looking to make friends. Be open to meeting people this way—it’s just another avenue for creating the connections you crave.
Conclusion: Building a New Friendship Circle
The truth is, it’s not impossible to make friends as an adult, but it does require intention, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable. We all need meaningful relationships to thrive, and it’s worth the effort to invest in building and maintaining those connections. Whether it’s through joining a new group, reaching out to an acquaintance, or simply making space in your life for unplanned interactions, you can create the friendships that will enrich your life.
Thanks for joining me on this journey into the psychology of adult friendships! Let’s keep this conversation going. What strategies have worked for you in making new friends as an adult? Let me know in the comments!
And of course, if you feel like you could use some support and accountability in crafting the full and vibrant social circle you want and deserve, we are here for you! Book your free consultation with one of the amazing coaching therapists at Growing Self to talk about your hopes and goals and how we can help. (link to schedule now)
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