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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Have you ever felt like you’re in a constant tug-of-war with yourself? Maybe one part of you is organized, driven, and ambitious, but another part is all about Netflix binges, snacks, and procrastination. Maybe you’ve done some personal growth work just to find yourself right back in familiar patterns. If this sounds relatable, I have fantastic news for you: you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, this inner battle with self sabotage is just part of the human experience. And guess what? It’s something we can heal and transform—if we know how.
This week on my podcast, Love, Happiness & Success, I had the absolute pleasure of speaking with Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems. If you’ve ever wondered why some parts of you feel so stuck, or why certain habits (like procrastination or self-criticism) seem impossible to change, this episode is for you. Spoiler alert: all those parts of you are trying to help, even if it doesn’t feel that way.
Let’s dive in.
What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?
Imagine this: your mind isn’t one single “unit,” but instead, it’s like a family with lots of different members (or “parts”) who all want what’s best for you—but in very different ways. Dr. Schwartz explains that these parts are natural and help us navigate life. However, when trauma or negative experiences happen, some parts get stuck in roles that can feel destructive.
Here are some examples of internal “parts”:
- Managers: These parts are like the overachievers in your inner world. They work hard to keep you organized and successful—but can also be controlling or overly critical.
- Firefighters: These parts swoop in during moments of distress to help you escape discomfort. They might encourage you to binge Netflix or indulge in chocolate cake when life feels overwhelming.
- Exiles: These are the tender, wounded parts of you. They hold the pain from past experiences and need the most care and compassion.
And here’s the good news: underneath all these parts within the Internal Family Systems Model, you have what Dr. Schwartz calls the Self (with a capital S). Your Self is calm, confident, compassionate, and absolutely indestructible. It’s the part of you that knows how to heal and guide your other parts.
Why We Get Stuck
Have you ever wondered why you procrastinate even though you know it’s not helpful? Or why you sometimes lash out in anger at the people you love? Dr. Schwartz explains that these patterns are often protective mechanisms.
For example:
- Procrastination: It might feel like a “bad” habit, but it could be your inner “Firefighter” trying to protect you from the fear of failure or overwhelm.
- Self-Criticism: That harsh inner voice might be your “Manager” trying to keep you in line so you don’t make mistakes or face rejection.
While these parts are doing their best to help, they’re often stuck in the past, responding to situations as if you’re still a child. But here’s the magic of IFS: by connecting with these parts, listening to their fears, and showing them they’re safe, you can help them let go of their burdens, move into acceptance, and transform.
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