Signs You Have a Bad Therapist
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Music Credits: The Ramones, “Psycho Therapy”
Bad Therapy Happens
As a Denver therapist myself, and someone who has also worked in coaching and online therapy, I know that not every match is going to be the best. I want to help you avoid getting into a situation that does not properly serve you.
How to avoid bad therapy: Not all therapists, marriage counselors, and life coaches are created equally. Don’t get me wrong, most therapists who are in practice are wonderful, and at the very least, well-meaning.
However, even lovely, well-intended therapists and marriage counselors can be ineffective. While it may not be harmful to get involved with a therapist who isn’t going to move the needle for you, it can still be a waste of time and money. Even though therapy and life coaching might not be as expensive as you think, it’s still always an investment in your life.
There is a dark side though. Getting involved with the wrong therapist can have consequences. If you go to mediocre individual therapy that (unsurprisingly) doesn’t work for you, you may begin to believe that you’re doomed to repeat the same old patterns in your life or relationship. Maybe you stop trying, or settle for what you have come to believe is ‘as good as it gets’ for you.
There is also a big risk for couples at a fork-in-the-road moment in their relationship. Couples who get involved with a practitioner who advertises couples therapy (but doesn’t really have the education and training to provide high-quality couples counseling) and then “fail” may believe that because couples therapy was unsuccessful for them that divorce is the only answer. That is a tragedy, especially when you consider that getting involved with effective marriage counseling could have had a completely different outcome.
I’m here to tell you that it might not be you. You could move forward. Your relationship can be repaired. The problem might be your therapist.
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Signs You Have a Bad Therapist
There is a wide variety when it comes to quality in therapists (and by “therapists” I’m also lumping in Marriage Counselors and Life Coaches too). Education and experience matter when it comes to finding a therapist that will help you reach your goals. For that matter, so do personality, approach, and the level of energy they put into your success.
Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I’m going to be talking you through the signs that you might have a bad therapist. I’ll also be talking about subtle signs that your therapist might be nice, but ineffective.
There are also shady therapists out there; I’ll be talking about how to spot unethical therapists from a mile away.
Therapy works, but if you have a bad therapist you might feel like giving up on the idea altogether. You deserve clarity, direction, and accountability when it comes to your experience with therapy.
We’ll be talking about:
The top nine clues your therapist might be ineffective.
Six signs that your therapist may have crossed over to the dark side, and is engaging in unethical behavior.
Lastly, it’s also true that there are fantastic, effective, and impeccably ethical therapists and marriage counselors out there. I’ll be sharing some tips on how to find a good therapist and how to choose a marriage counselor. Then you’ll know what to look for so you can connect with a dynamic professional who can help you make real and lasting changes in your life.
I hope that these insights help support you on your journey of growth.
Warmly,
P.S. At Growing Self, we’re all about scouring the earth to bring you the very best therapists and marriage counselors in order to ensure that working with us means the highest quality evidence-based therapy, marriage counseling and coaching. But… we all know “meh” or downright scary therapists are out there. I shared a couple of my own scary therapist stories in this episode, but if you have your own cautionary tales to share, gather ’round the campfire of our comments section and tell us what happened!
Xo, LMB
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Signs You Have a Bad Therapist
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Music Credits: The Ramones, “Psycho Therapy”
Free, Expert Advice — For You.
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Our expert therapists have generously created an entire library of articles, activities, and podcasts to support you on your journey of growth. Please visit our “Happiness Collections” to browse our content collections, and take advantage of all the free resources we have for you. Or, if you’d like to educate yourself about the process and logistics of therapy, please help yourself to our “therapy questions” knowledge base below. It’s all for you!
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Do I Need Therapy?
Wondering if your issues going to work themselves out, or is it time to talk to a professional? Here’s how to tell when it’s time for therapy.
What is Therapy Like?
What is therapy like? Learn what happens in therapy in order to feel empowered and confident.
What Kind of Therapist Do I Need?
There are many different kinds of therapists and many different types of therapy. What kind of therapist do you need? Find out!
What To Talk About in Therapy
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Therapy Consultation: What to Expect
How to prepare for your first therapy appointment, and learn what to expect in therapy sessions.
Coaching vs. Therapy
What’s the difference between coaching and therapy? Find out which approach is right for you.
What is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy?
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is the “gold-standard” of effective, evidence-based therapy. Learn about CBT.
What is Talk Therapy?
How does talking about something help you make changes? Or… does it? Learn the pros and cons of traditional talk therapy.
Why Evidence-Based Therapy Matters
Effective therapy is life-changing, but some therapy is a waste of time and money. Evidence-based therapy makes the difference.
How to Find a (Good) Therapist
Not all therapists are the same. Learn how to find a good therapist (and spot the warning signs of a bad one).
Therapy for Personal Growth
There’s a difference between therapy for ”mental health treatment” and therapy for personal growth. Which is right for you…
Therapy For Healthy Relationships
Working with a true relationship expert helps you learn, grow, love, and be loved.
Learn about our approach to helping you build healthy relationships.
Divorce & Breakup Recovery
Losing a relationship is uniquely painful and challenging. With the right support, you can heal, grow, and move forward. Learn about our divorce and breakup recovery services.
Guide to Online Therapy
Online therapy is just as effective but even easier than in person therapy. Here’s what to expect from good online therapy.
Denver Therapist
Explore your options for a Denver therapist who specializes in personal growth and healthy relationships.
How to Get a Therapist
Ready to try therapy? Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to get a therapist who is competent to help you.
Therapy Reviews
Curious to know more about what working with us is really like? Browse Growing Self reviews / “best online therapy reviews” from our clients.
How Much Does Therapy Cost?
Good therapy is priceless, but not all therapy is valuable. Learn the cost of therapy that’s affordable and effective.
Does Insurance Cover Therapy?
Yes, insurance covers therapy… but only sometimes. Learn when (and how) health insurance covers therapy, and when it doesn’t.
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I have one more story that involves a questionable therapist here… If you’re taking the risk of getting involved in personal growth work you deserved to be respected and honored by your therapist and to have the positive, competent, and productive experience that actually helps you make changes in your life. Shop around, interview people, and do not settle!! LMB
Dr Bobby,
Thank you so much for all of the online tips for finding a good marriage counselor..
I wanted to share something with you, I’m not sure if you will even see this (I hope you do!) but it will help me to get it off my chest so here it goes…
I am now a middle aged woman in her second marriage. We are working through several things but it’s all kind of connected and like you said in your blog, tragic.
The first time that i got married, i married my high school sweetheart at the age of 19. We had two sweet little boys together. He developed substance abuse issues while we were in our 20s and we decided to seek help for our marriage in our early 30s. I had grown resentful of feeling like the only adult in the house while he smoked pot and drank. The drinking had led to DUI, cheating and losing his job all about the same time. I was only working part time and was not prepared to have to support us. I simply couldn’t support a family of 4 working 20 hours a week as a small town hair stylist. He had made over 100,000 a yr, so this was a shock to us all.
We found a marriage counselor in the phone book. (Lol!!!) He was a psychologist, and it’s obvious to me after reading your blog that he was not educated in couples therapy. At our first visit, he seemed to identify the problem. My anxiety. He told me to get some meds from my dr and that my husband needed to focus on finding himself. He told me that i needed to be okay with my ex smoking pot every single day, because he was not hurting anyone. He at least saw the drinking as a problem and told him to go to AA. Oh, and date nights, of.course Seemed to all of us that i was the problem and my ex was simply trying to escape. This was the narrative that i have carried all of these years.
He ultimately ended up leaving me for his girlfriend. Our boys were 10 & 13 at the time. It broke our hearts and deep down, I blamed myself.
Fast forward 14 years…
I just stopped taking that anxiety medicine my dr prescribed me after that first encounter with the “marriage counselor” last year. (I no longer see the dr that prescribed it. When i got remarried, i moved and started seeing a new dr.) My new dr was shocked to see how much klonopin I was taking at my first visit. He told me that we needed to work together to get me off of it, explaining the long term affects of it. I had no idea was I was in for. It took me a while to be ready, and he was patient yet kept encouraging me. A year and a half later, I finally decided it was time to get off of it. Spent the next couple of months tapering. (I later found out that this was too fast). 3 days after my last dose, my whole world came crashing down. I was in acute withdrawal that continued to get worse over.the next two months and it damn near killed me. I had no idea that I was even addicted to them!
My new husband is a gem and the only time he left my side was to work (he worked from home the entire time). He took me to drs and hospitals. He fed and bathed me. I could not even dress myself. I won’t include all of my withdrawal symptoms because I could go on forever. Every fiber of my body was begging for that medicine and the anxiety was so brutal I was afraid to leave our bedroom. I spent two months in a constant battle for my life, emotionally (even when I was in no danger, I thought I was dying.. at times even wanting to) and physically. I had to quit my job (still have not gone back)..
I have been benzo free for 16 months. My husband and I celebrate our 4 year anniversary tomorrow. I tell him he didn’t sign up to have to deal with all of these issues. I am now in therapy for depression and PTSD from the withdrawal itself. I have lost all of my confidence and have no interest in sex. I am a totally different person than the fun loving girl he married. I know he misses her, God knows I do.
So THANK YOU for sharing your expertise on finding a good couples therapist. I hope you know how many people it has helped steer away from their own tragic experiences.
Isn’t life funny? I mean, I think of the years I spent addicted to drugs- precious years raising my children- that I feel like lost, and I cry. (I bet your glad to hear that I have started my own therapy!) I would NOT want to be with my exhusband for anything and know that I am so lucky to be married to the man that I am (I do adore him), but while reading your blog, I kept thinking “damn!”. Like what if my ex and I had gone to a different counselor? Would I have ever thought about taking anxiety meds? I know I do have anxiety but would like to think that I would have eventually seeked CBT or some other kind of therapy.
There’s my story! 😉
I know it’s an extreme version of what can happen but it is a version none the less. Do homework peeps and read a few of these articles. We wouldn’t trust our children to be looked after before doing a little homework and our marriages deserve the best too.
It would have been very easy for a new counselor to zoom in on my anxiety and now substance abuse issues and make all of mine and my new husbands and problems about me as well. Feel like I/we really dodged a bullet because I don’t believe my spirit could handle that.
Kelly, thank you so much for sharing your story with our community. I hope that other people researching how to find a therapist in Denver (or looking for online therapy) read your story and use this great information to help them do their homework, ask LOTS of questions, and listen to their own inner wisdom if it feels like their therapist is not providing them with the level of support they need. (Or, as in your case, making recommendations that wind up causing them harm. Yikes.) I’m so glad you were able to find a good therapist, and that you didn’t give up! Thank you again for sharing and I wish you and your husband all the very best on your continued journey of growth and healing together. With gratitude, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
I have one more story that involves a questionable therapist here… If you’re taking the risk of getting involved in personal growth work you deserved to be respected and honored by your therapist and to have the positive, competent, and productive experience that actually helps you make changes in your life. Shop around, interview people, and do not settle!! LMB
Dr Bobby,
Thank you so much for all of the online tips for finding a good marriage counselor..
I wanted to share something with you, I’m not sure if you will even see this (I hope you do!) but it will help me to get it off my chest so here it goes…
I am now a middle aged woman in her second marriage. We are working through several things but it’s all kind of connected and like you said in your blog, tragic.
The first time that i got married, i married my high school sweetheart at the age of 19. We had two sweet little boys together. He developed substance abuse issues while we were in our 20s and we decided to seek help for our marriage in our early 30s. I had grown resentful of feeling like the only adult in the house while he smoked pot and drank. The drinking had led to DUI, cheating and losing his job all about the same time. I was only working part time and was not prepared to have to support us. I simply couldn’t support a family of 4 working 20 hours a week as a small town hair stylist. He had made over 100,000 a yr, so this was a shock to us all.
We found a marriage counselor in the phone book. (Lol!!!) He was a psychologist, and it’s obvious to me after reading your blog that he was not educated in couples therapy. At our first visit, he seemed to identify the problem. My anxiety. He told me to get some meds from my dr and that my husband needed to focus on finding himself. He told me that i needed to be okay with my ex smoking pot every single day, because he was not hurting anyone. He at least saw the drinking as a problem and told him to go to AA. Oh, and date nights, of.course Seemed to all of us that i was the problem and my ex was simply trying to escape. This was the narrative that i have carried all of these years.
He ultimately ended up leaving me for his girlfriend. Our boys were 10 & 13 at the time. It broke our hearts and deep down, I blamed myself.
Fast forward 14 years…
I just stopped taking that anxiety medicine my dr prescribed me after that first encounter with the “marriage counselor” last year. (I no longer see the dr that prescribed it. When i got remarried, i moved and started seeing a new dr.) My new dr was shocked to see how much klonopin I was taking at my first visit. He told me that we needed to work together to get me off of it, explaining the long term affects of it. I had no idea was I was in for. It took me a while to be ready, and he was patient yet kept encouraging me. A year and a half later, I finally decided it was time to get off of it. Spent the next couple of months tapering. (I later found out that this was too fast). 3 days after my last dose, my whole world came crashing down. I was in acute withdrawal that continued to get worse over.the next two months and it damn near killed me. I had no idea that I was even addicted to them!
My new husband is a gem and the only time he left my side was to work (he worked from home the entire time). He took me to drs and hospitals. He fed and bathed me. I could not even dress myself. I won’t include all of my withdrawal symptoms because I could go on forever. Every fiber of my body was begging for that medicine and the anxiety was so brutal I was afraid to leave our bedroom. I spent two months in a constant battle for my life, emotionally (even when I was in no danger, I thought I was dying.. at times even wanting to) and physically. I had to quit my job (still have not gone back)..
I have been benzo free for 16 months. My husband and I celebrate our 4 year anniversary tomorrow. I tell him he didn’t sign up to have to deal with all of these issues. I am now in therapy for depression and PTSD from the withdrawal itself. I have lost all of my confidence and have no interest in sex. I am a totally different person than the fun loving girl he married. I know he misses her, God knows I do.
So THANK YOU for sharing your expertise on finding a good couples therapist. I hope you know how many people it has helped steer away from their own tragic experiences.
Isn’t life funny? I mean, I think of the years I spent addicted to drugs- precious years raising my children- that I feel like lost, and I cry. (I bet your glad to hear that I have started my own therapy!) I would NOT want to be with my exhusband for anything and know that I am so lucky to be married to the man that I am (I do adore him), but while reading your blog, I kept thinking “damn!”. Like what if my ex and I had gone to a different counselor? Would I have ever thought about taking anxiety meds? I know I do have anxiety but would like to think that I would have eventually seeked CBT or some other kind of therapy.
There’s my story!
I know it’s an extreme version of what can happen but it is a version none the less. Do homework peeps and read a few of these articles. We wouldn’t trust our children to be looked after before doing a little homework and our marriages deserve the best too.
It would have been very easy for a new counselor to zoom in on my anxiety and now substance abuse issues and make all of mine and my new husbands and problems about me as well. Feel like I/we really dodged a bullet because I don’t believe my spirit could handle that.
Kelly, thank you so much for sharing your story with our community. I hope that other people researching how to find a therapist in Denver (or looking for online therapy) read your story and use this great information to help them do their homework, ask LOTS of questions, and listen to their own inner wisdom if it feels like their therapist is not providing them with the level of support they need. (Or, as in your case, making recommendations that wind up causing them harm. Yikes.) I’m so glad you were able to find a good therapist, and that you didn’t give up! Thank you again for sharing and I wish you and your husband all the very best on your continued journey of growth and healing together. With gratitude, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi, Dr. Bobby! As a recently licensed (still under supervision) counselor, yours is one of the podcasts that I’ve really enjoyed listening to continue to gain practical wisdom as I navigate this field. I especially enjoyed this podcast bc I don’t want to be just a “nice, empathic” person.. I have friends I can be that for.. I want to be an effective counselor who can conceptualize core problems into a working plan that will “move the needle.” I will say that I have recently found myself questioning workplace ethics (I am in the trenches of community mental health as a school-based counselor) but felt that when I raised concerns they didn’t matter… “Oh, it’s different with kids” or the issue I was raising was standard operating procedures.. You addressed BOTH of my concerns in your podcast and I heard you briefly mention that you also worked in community mental health and I was hoping to get your thoughts on both issues…1. I was recently asked by a mom of a kiddo I currently see if I could see her sister and I told her that ethically I couldn’t for the same reasons you listed… so, she went through the center to do an assessment and be assigned a counselor there but they put her on my caseload bc of where she attends school. When I raised concerns that she was the sister of a kiddo I already see, my supervisor said it doesn’t matter in school based… so now, I’m extremely uncomfortable treating sisters separately due to the ethical implications, and I’ve lost trust and rapport with the mother who now thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about! 2. Also.. you mentioned the sad state a counselor must be in when they’re looking at their patients as dollar signs.. of course, that’s not what I’m doing but bc community mental health is a numbers game, they’re forcing us to take on more clients for the sake of a dollar, at the expense of the clients’ care and our own mental health… this makes me sad and really makes me want to leave, which unfortunately is a lose, lose for the kiddos! Both of these situations feel hard and I know, due to the system, there’s not much I can do about the latter, but could I ethically report my employer for making me see family members or just refuse to continue doing so based on my own ethical standards?
Thanks so much,
Oh Tammy, thank you for reaching out about this tough situation. I feel for you. I did my doctoral internship in a community mental health center and, while it was a great experience in many ways, and I learned a lot, it was also really hard to see the impact of a very flawed system on both clients and clinicians. Here’s just one story from that time of my life, if you’re interested. How to have hope.
So, you are asking wonderful questions that are best hashed out through clinical supervision. My question for you (as a clinical supervisor myself) is 1) have you raised these concerns with your clinical supervisor? Or is your clinical supervisor essentially your manager at your workplace? If it’s the latter, it might be in your best interest to get connected with a professional organization that offers ethical advice (ACA for LPCs, AAMFT for MFTs, APA for psychologists, etc) to run this past someone else in the profession who is in a position to help you. (In the comments section of a blog post, I am not that person).
You may also consider getting involved with a private clinical supervisor as well as the one assigned to you through your workplace, just so you have someone whose perspective may not be colored by the realities of that system. In my experience, supervisors who are affiliated with a good, accredited university counseling or psychology program are usually excellent “standard-bearers” and often do a little private supervision on the side. It’s worth exploring.
I will also say that there are certain situations in this profession that are ethically gray, and also just real, and we have to deal with them. For example, if you’re the only school counselor and more than one sibling requires support… and there’s no one else to help them both… it’s better to try and do what you can to help them than create a situation where one may not have access to services. The real ethical conundrum is if one of the siblings tells you something about the other that is 1) clinically significant and 2) not something the other wants you to know. Depending on how old the siblings are, or how difficult their relationship is, if they know that you see the other there can also be efforts to change your thinking about their sibling, who you also have a relationship with. Because you owe each 100% confidentiality it’s not like you can say, “So… Kaitlyn… your sister told me you’ve been cutting your arms up with razor blades and barfing up your dinner every night, can we talk about this?” It can get really tricky, sticky, and icky, for sure.
I personally, identify as a family therapist. I don’t know if that is part of your background or training (or if your clinical supervisor can support your professional growth in this area) but one potential path forward is to utilize a family therapy model to help more than one family member at the same time, but in a healthy and transparent way that may involve working with them together and sometimes separately. (Just not secrets!) But I don’t know if that’s possible through your agency.
And yes, particularly in agency settings, I agree: the caseloads can be overwhelming and just impossible. I know when I was there I was only able to see people every 2 or 3 weeks (not nearly enough). I have friends who work in community mental health who have waitlists ten months long. Private practice, especially a supportive, group private practice like the one we try to create here at Growing Self can feel like a much healthier lifespace for therapists. But private practices like this one are also not where the people who need us most are going to have the opportunity to get the help and care they need.
You’re fighting a good fight Tammy, and the world needs talented, caring, and ethical young therapists like you very much. Don’t let the bastards grind you down. Get support, connect with other counselors who can fill up your cup, find mentors you can trust, and find ways to take care of yourself emotionally. Burnout is very real in our profession, and being in situations where you’re being ground to bits by a broken machine isn’t going to help anyone. I absolutely think you can be in those spaces professionally, and still be happy, healthy, and well as a helper, but it takes more intention and effort. This is a difficult professional path, but a really meaningful one. You do work that matters Tammy. On behalf of everyone you’re helping, all the kids, all their families: Thank you. I know that some days it doesn’t feel like it, but you are helping.
Here’s another story about other therapists I know who you may be able to relate to, and I hope it provides you with both validation and hope. The world is a better place because you are in it.
Wishing you much peace and love on your professional journey…
xoxo, Dr. Lisa