The Signs of a Silent Divorce
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Meet Brittany: a couples counselor, individual therapist, premarital counselor, and life and relationship coach with a warm, authentic, emotionally-focused approach. She works with her clients to build connected relationships, restore emotional bonds, and grow in their capacity to love others as well as themselves.
Marriages end long before someone utters the words “I want a divorce.” There’s a gradual offramp of emotional disconnection that can happen years before one partner reaches a breaking point. This is sometimes called a “silent divorce,” and as a couples counselor and a relationship coach, I see it all the time. A silent divorce or invisible divorce happens when the heart of the relationship dies while the couple continues going through the motions. Knowing the signs of a silent divorce can help you recognize when your relationship is in trouble, so that you can stop a divorce and restore the strong, loving bond that you once shared.
Signs of a Silent Divorce
- Feeling like “roommates”
I often hear couples say that they feel more like “roommates” than lovers or partners. This might begin to occur when the relationship feels like it has taken a backseat to the stresses of work or raising children, and you notice you are just going through your days without attention or focus on each other or your relationship.
- You stop sharing
You might also notice that you’ve stopped sharing details about your inner world with your partner. You will also notice that you’re less aware of what is happening in your partner’s inner world. At this stage, the emotional intimacy in the relationship is starting to fade, which weakens your connection and makes the relationship feel lonely and hollow.
- Turning outside the relationship
Another sign of a silent divorce can be sharing your emotional needs and experiences, both good and bad, with someone outside of your relationship and not with your partner. Sometimes partners become heavily dependent on a platonic friendship to meet their emotional needs. Other times, this can evolve into an emotional affair.
- Failed bids for connection
You or your partner may turn away when attempting to connect with each other. This could look like not wanting to have sex, not wanting to spend time together, or avoiding affection.
There are many reasons that these things could be happening, and it’s important to explore the root causes. Working with a good couples therapist can help you get clear about why you’re feeling disconnected.
It’s best to seek couples counseling as early as possible, before someone reaches the “emotional point of no return.” Prevention is much better than cure, and if a silent divorce is caught early, you have a very good shot at turning things around. Look for a marriage and family therapist who practices evidence-based approaches to couples counseling. Learn more about how to choose a couples counselor.
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What to Do if You’re Going Through a Silent Divorce
These signs of a silent divorce are like a “check engine” light in a car, signaling that your relationship needs attention and care to prevent it from deteriorating further. When you spot the signs, you both have an opportunity to address any issues while your commitment to the relationship is still strong and you both still have the desire to find your way back to one another. Once you’ve passed that point, repairing your relationship becomes much more difficult (though not impossible!).
Start by initiating a conversation with your partner about the changes that you’re feeling and noticing in your relationship. Focus on sharing your own experience and being curious about how they’re feeling as well. Use active listening skills and practice validating your partner to encourage them to open up and share about anything that’s on their mind.
You should also talk about what you want your relationship to look like and what you both can do to feel more connected to each other. Use vulnerability to express your desires rather than blame or accusations. A statement like, “I’ve missed you so much lately. I want to feel closer to you. Can we set aside some time just for us soon?” will elicit a much better response than blame or accusations.
Finally, it’s wise to seek help from a marriage counselor if you suspect your relationship is in trouble. These conversations can be difficult to have, especially if your “silent divorce” has been brewing for a while. A marriage and family therapist can guide you through this process and help you find ways for you to reconnect with each other and feel close again.
Support for Close, Loving Relationships
I hope you found this article on the signs of a silent divorce helpful. I know it can feel scary when your marriage is in trouble, but you have so much to be hopeful about. Couples can and do restore the intimacy, satisfaction, and passion in their relationships, and many emerge from a “silent divorce” feeling more in love than ever before. This can be the beginning of so much growth and renewal, if you take this opportunity to invest in your connection.
If you would like to do this valuable work with my support, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
Sincerely,
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