Feeling Invalidated By Your Partner?

HOW TO STOP INVALIDATING YOUR PARTNER IN THREE EASY STEPS

Takeaways: Emotional invalidation can be the root cause of so many relationship issues, from feeling distant and disconnected, to arguing all the time. And most of us don’t even realize when we’re invalidating our partners! Learning to validate each other’s feelings — even when they don’t “make sense” — helps you both feel more accepted, understood, and loved within your relationship.

Hi there. Are you reading this “advice from a couples counselor” article because your partner just forwarded it to you, as a way of attempting to communicate that you invalidate feelings and that they would like this to change? First of all, sorry, but second of all… never fear. I’m the couples therapist in your corner. This one is going to boomerang nicely, and wind up working out in your favor. Promise.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret that your partner — possibly not having read this article themselves before impulsively texting it to you on the headline alone — might not know yet: We all invalidate our partners accidentally. I’ll bet you a cookie that you probably feel invalidated by them from time to time too. Am I right? Yes? Welcome to relationships.

Emotional Invalidation

How do I know that you’re feeling invalidated sometimes too? First of all, I’ve been a marriage counselor and relationship coach for a long time. It is extremely rare to find a couple where one person has *actually* been exclusively responsible for all the hurt feelings and conflict. (Except in the tiny percentage of couples counseling cases that I could count on one hand where the hurt-inducing partner has actually been a diagnosable sociopath and/or narcissist. But I will save that tale for another day).

Secondly, I’ve also been married for a long time to someone I adore and would never want to hurt on purpose. And I’m a marriage counselor!  I should know better! And To. This. day. I still do things that accidentally invalidate my husband and make him feel bad. More than once have I had to apologize for making him feel like I don’t care, despite the fact that I love him very much. 

But I’m working on it, and it’s better than it used to be. You can do the same. Here’s how:

Step One: Let’s Define “Invalidate”

First of all, let’s talk a little about what “invalidation”  means. When you invalidate someone, you basically make them feel like you a) don’t understand them or their feelings or b) if you do understand, you don’t care. The impact of this original invalidation will then generally make your partner swing one of two ways, towards either hostility or withdrawal and emotional shut down. Neither of those are good!

In order to not invalidate feelings anymore you need to be self-aware of when it’s happening, and what you’re doing to cause it. This is the hard part, because almost nobody is intentionally trying to make their partner feel diminished or unimportant when it happens. If you called an invalidating person on it in the moment, they usually get really defensive and start sputtering about how “that’s not what I meant” and protesting that their intentions were good. 

Again, except in the case of narcissists (see link above) this is true. Invalidation is generally unintentional. So, no need to beat yourself up if you’ve been unintentionally hurting someone you love. But you do need to take responsibility for how our actions impact others. We all do.

It’s also possible that you’re invalidating yourself, as many of us do. If you ever find yourself asking, “Are my feelings valid, or am I overreacting?” then you may struggle to validate your own feelings, which can make it more difficult for you to validate your partner’s emotions.

So let’s get familiar with what invalidation actually looks like so that you can become more self aware. Emotional invalidation comes in many flavors, and can happen in both subtle and dramatic ways. 

Let’s review.

Types of Emotional Invalidation

It wasn’t that bad. You’re overreacting.

Now, take a deep breath and non-defensively read through the following descriptions of “emotional invalidators” and see if you can spot yourself. See if you can spot the invalidating behaviors your partner uses. (They are in there, I’m sure). But again, the hard part is recognizing your own. Bonus points if you can think of other ways you might be invalidating sometimes that I haven’t put down here. The possibilities are limitless!

But here are some of the “usual suspects.”

Inattentive Invalidators: These types of invalidators don’t pay attention when their partner is talking about something important. (C’est moi! I totally do this.)

Example of Inattentive Invalidation in Action:

Them: “I had a really hard day at work today. I think I might be getting sick.”

You (And by “you” I mean “me”): “I was just thinking that it would be fun to go to Canada this summer. Or Newfoundland. Newfoundland! What do you think?” [Picks up phone to start checking flight prices]

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Belligerent Invalidators: Their M.O. is to rebuttal rather than listen, and put their energy into making their own case instead of seeing things from their partner’s perspective.

Example of Belligerent Invalidation in Action:

Them: “I feel like you were rude to my friend.”

You: “Your friend is an annoying idiot who drinks too much and if you want to avoid these problems you should stop inviting him over.”

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Controlling invalidators:  These types of invalidators are extremely confident that their way of doing things is right and just, and will either intervene or undo things that their partner does in efforts to correct, (i.e. “help”) them. This happens in many situations including parenting, housekeeping, social situations, and more. 

Example of Controlling Invalidation in Action:

Them: “No, Timmy, you can’t go out to play because you have to take a shower and clean your room.”

You: “You need exercise Timmy. Be back before dinner.”

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Judgmental Invalidators: These types of invalidators minimize the importance of things that they do not personally feel are interesting or important to them, in a way that creates disconnection in their relationships.

Example of Judgmental Invalidation in Action:

Them: “What should we do this weekend? So many fun things! Do you want to go to the farmer’s market / prepper expo / rv show / rodeo?”

You: “Pfft. NO. That is so boring, why would anyone want to do that. Personally, I’m busy anyway. I have to spend the weekend finishing my Fortnite challenges. Wanna watch? No? Okay see you later.”

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Emotional Invalidators: Then of course there is the stereotypical, garden-variety Emotional Invalidator, who feels entitled to “disagree” with other people’s feelings, or argue that other’s feelings are not reasonable, or to talk them out of their feelings.

Example of Emotional Invalidation in Action:

Them: “Crying”

You: “You shouldn’t be sad. At least we have one healthy child already….”

You some more: “….That’s not what I meant. We can try again next month. The doctor said that this could happen the first time….”

If this conversation sounds even remotely familiar… I’m glad we’re here right now!

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Fixit Invalidators: Then, there is the “Fixit” Invalidator, who would prefer to leap over messy feelings entirely and go straight to helpful solutions — having zero idea they are making things infinitely worse by doing so.

Example of Fixit invalidation in Action:

Them: “I am heartbroken about my argument with my sister. I feel really bad about what happened.”

You: “She’s just a drama queen. Forget about it. You should make plans with some of your other friends. I’ll see if Jenny and Phil want to come over on Friday.”

Does this sound like something you might say?

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Owner of the Truth Invalidators: Lastly, there are the reflexive “that’s not what happened” invalidators who pride themselves on being rational and who sincerely believe that their subjective experience is the yardstick of all others. If it didn’t happen to them, it is not a thing. A kissing-cousin of codependency, this type of invalidator will often follow up their original invalidation by explaining to you how you, actually, are the one with the problem.

Example of a Truth Owner in Action:

Them: “I am feeling really invalidated by you right now.”

You: “I am not invalidating you. You were just telling me that your day was hard and you’re feeling overwhelmed, and I know for a fact that you shouldn’t be feeling that way because it wasn’t that bad. You just need to get more organized. You’re overreacting.”

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Good times, right? Yes, there are so, so many ways to invalidate someone. This is just a small sample of the many ways, shapes and forms emotional invalidation shows up in relationships. There are many more. Not sure what kind of invalidator you might be? Ask your partner. I’m sure they’d be happy to tell you.

Next, now that we’ve “cultivated self awareness,” as we say in the shrink-biz, we’re going to talk about how to stop doing that, and start helping your partner feel validated instead.

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Step Two: Understand The Importance of Validation

While the first step in learning how to stop accidentally invalidating your partner is to figure out what kinds of invalidation you are prone to, the second step is to learn what it means to be validating and why it’s so important.

What is “Validation” Anyway?

So: What is “validation?” To validate someone means that you help them feel understood, accepted, and cared for by you. It requires empathy. Empathy is happening when you really get how they see things, and that you support them in their perspective — even if you do not share their perspective. 

Because empathy is such a foundational skill in so many areas of Love, Happiness and Success, the development of empathy is often a big part of what is happening in emotional intelligence coaching, personal growth work, as well as marriage counseling. Empathy requires intention, but it’s incredibly powerful when you start really getting it.

This is super important in relationships because validation is a cornerstone of emotional safety. And emotional safety — feeling like you are accepted and valued for who you are, like your thoughts, feelings, and preferences are important to your partner, and that your relationship is loving and supportive — is the foundation of a happy, healthy relationship.

Just consider how wonderful it feels to hear these words, “I can understand why you would feel that way.” No matter what’s going on, when you hear that it feels like you’re accepted by the person you’re with and that it’s okay for you to feel the way you feel. That right there is the strong foundation from which you can then find your own way forward. (And in your own time).

Also, if we were to dissect pretty much any basic argument that a couple can have, 98% of the time, arguments start with one person feeling invalidated by the other. When anyone feels invalidated the natural response is to then escalate their efforts to be understood. Which can sound like yelling. Then if the invalidator doubles down on defending their invalidating behaviors in response, it can get pretty ugly pretty quick. As I’m sure you know. Incidentally, if you have been feeling like your partner is emotionally reactive and unnecessarily hostile towards you, it can actually be an important clue that you’ve been making them feel invalidated without realizing it. (Read, “Twelve Effective Ways to Destroy Your Relationship” for more on this and other common relationship mistakes).

So if you work towards being more validating you will not just stop pretty much any argument in its tracks but your partner will feel emotionally safe and accepted by you, and you will have a much stronger, happier relationship. Win, win, win.

Step Three: Validate Feelings Intentionally, Through Practice

It just takes intention and practice, and a genuine desire to want your partner to feel more cared by you.

The real problem with changing your (our) tendency to be accidentally invalidating is that it can be really hard to wrap your (our) brains around the fact that we really are hurting the people we love without meaning to. 

In none of the examples of “types of invalidators” was I describing anyone who was trying to be hurtful. They were just failing to understand their partner’s perspective or needs or feelings, and prioritizing their own instead. 

Human beings are generally self-focused, unless they put purposeful effort into being other-focused. Sad but true.

The good news is that it’s not hard to be more other-focused if you decide that it’s important enough to make it a priority. It just takes intention and practice, and a genuine desire to want your partner to feel more cared for by you.

Here’s what my perspective of me being invalidating (and then trying to practice validation) looks like at my house:

My husband is telling me something but I’m not really connecting with what he is saying. He’s talking about his day at work, and how he’s not feeling great. And now he’s going on and on about this guy he works with who’s super annoying, and incompetent, and how he’s thinking about taking the day off tomorrow to go take photos and how he might drive out towards the mountains, and now he’s talking about this new video game that he started playing with our son, and how there are these avatars that build sawmills and jump over sharks and there are dances (or something) and …

….I’ve now officially zoned out, and am now following the spark of ideas that whatever he just said to me has just ignited into being, through the chambers of my own mind.  Day off… Mountains…. Nature documentary…. Camera lenses…. Majestic landscape photos…. I want to go somewhere beautiful… Catherine said good things about Quebec…. He’s still talking but I’m now having an entirely internal experience. I know he’s still there, but it’s the muffled, “Wa-wa-wa” like the adult in the old Charlie Brown cartoons. I am now entirely absorbed by my own thoughts rather than what he is saying, but not on purpose.

Sometimes he can tell when I’m not there anymore, but most of the time neither of us realize what is happening until I say something apparently out of the blue, like “I was just thinking that it would be fun to go to Canada this summer. Or Newfoundland. What do you think?” [Picks up phone to start researching flight prices]. Then I look up from my phone to see his shoulders slump a little and this look cross his face like, “Do you even care about what I’m saying?” Only then do I realize that what he was talking about felt important to him, and I made him feel bad. He’s annoyed. He should be.

Because in that moment, my lack of attention left him feeling invalidated in our conversation. He was left feeling like he wasn’t important or interesting enough for me to pay attention to, or worse, like I just hijacked the conversation to talk about whatever I was thinking of instead of what he was bringing up. Which I totally did.

But like you, I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. It just happened because I wasn’t making him a priority in that moment, but indulging my own self-absorbed thoughts instead of really deliberately tracking what he was saying to me. (If you, too, have a tendency towards adult ADHD, I’m sure you can relate.)

In contrast, when I remind myself of my intention to be a good friend to him, to help him feel cared for and validated by me, it’s a totally different experience. I will myself to focus on what he is saying. I look in his eyes. When I feel my mind starting to slide towards something other than what he is talking about, I bring it back to him by very deliberately reflecting something I heard him say. I think about how he might be feeling and ask about that. Or I ask open-ended questions to help him say more about what is going on for him, but also as a strategy to keep myself engaged. In short, I am using communication skills and empathy to help him feel validated.

I try really hard to stay present, and stay on topic. Sometimes I am more successful than others, but I know he sees me trying. We know each other well enough now and we can even laugh about it, as we do when I glaze and he just stops talking and makes a face at me. Humor helps. So does managing your expectations that your partner can or should be perfectly perfect at validating your feelings all of the time.

But truthfully, if you want to stop making someone else feel invalidated it requires a certain level of courage and humility. It’s hard to think about, “What’s it like to live with me” and really allow yourself to understand, deeply, what you do and how it makes your partner feel. I think that embracing personal responsibility without being defensive is one of the hardest things to do in a marriage, and helping other people move into this receptive, honestly reflective space is often the hardest thing for me to do as a marriage counselor. That’s why I wanted to model this for you.

How to Validate Someone’s Feelings

Every flavor of invalidation has an antidote that’s a little different. Just as there are infinite ways to invalidate feelings, there are many strategies for how to validate someone’s feelings too. I could go into great detail about what the antidote for each involves, but then this would be an actual self-help book rather than a blog post. But, briefly, here are some pointers:

  • Inattentive invalidators need to stay present and use mindfulness skills to focus and not drift away.
  • Belligerent invalidators need to find compromises that honor their partner’s feelings, too.
  • Controlling invalidators need to manage anxiety, and trust in the competence of others.
  • Judgmental invalidators need to work on generosity and respect.
  • Emotional invalidators need to work on empathy and emotional intelligence skills.
  • Fixit Invalidators must make peace with the fact that all feelings are valuable, even dark ones. (Especially dark ones).
  • Owner of Truth types can benefit from personal growth work that expands their own worldview, and relationship coaching that emphasizes listening skills.

What to Do When Someone Invalidates Your Feelings

If your partner or anyone else invalidates your feelings, remember that they are probably not doing it intentionally. Gently let them know that, even if they do not understand the way that you feel, your feelings are valid and you would like to share them. You can also let them know exactly what you need. You might say something like, “I need to be able to talk about how I’m feeling, but I don’t need you to fix anything or try to make me feel better. I just need you to listen and try to understand.”

If invalidation is a frequent issue in your relationship, it’s important that you get help from a good couples counselor. Chronic emotional invalidation is bad for you psychologically, and if left unchecked, it can destroy a relationship that’s otherwise loving. Look for a marriage and family therapist who practices evidence-based forms of couples counseling (not an individual therapist who also sees couples). I have more info for you about how to find a good marriage counselor here.

I hope that this discussion of how you may be accidentally invalidating your partner was helpful to you, or what to do when your partner invalidates you. You have the power to shift the emotional climate of your relationship, just by making your partner’s feelings and perspective as important to you as your own. Not easy to do. It requires emotional strength, the ability to be honest with yourself, and the willingness to grow in service of your relationship. But it is so worth it.

Now, please send this post back to your partner so they can think about what THEY need to be working on in order to help you feel more heard, valued, and understood by them. 

And, if you would like my support in learning to communicate with each other in new ways, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.

All the best,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. If you enjoyed this podcast there is so much more for you. Visit our “Growing Together” collection for more free articles and advice to help you improve your communication, and get the love and respect you both want and deserve. xo, LMB

Citations

Kuo JR, Fitzpatrick S, Ip J, Uliaszek A. The who and what of validation: an experimental examination of validation and invalidation of specific emotions and the moderating effect of emotion dysregulation. Borderline Personal Disord Emot Dysregul. 2022 May 18;9(1):15. doi: 10.1186/s40479-022-00185-x. PMID: 35581663; PMCID: PMC9116024.

Witkowski, Gregory, “The Effect of Emotionally Validating and Invalidating Responses on Emotional Self-Efficacy” (2017). Walden Dissertations and Doctoral Studies. 3646.
https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/dissertations/3646

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Feeling Invalidated By Your Partner?

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Music Credits: “Dive,” by Beach House, from their album “7”

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[Intro music: “Dive” by Beach House, from their album “7”]

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: Hey friends. Today, on the show, we’re going to be talking about something that we need to talk about. It is a silent killer of many relationships. You may be experiencing this on your own. It’s feeling invalidated. Either you might be listening to this because you are feeling routinely invalidated by your partner, which is hard, or perhaps you are listening to this because your partner is telling you that you are making them feel invalidated. 

This is a really significant issue and one that we need to address together. So that’s going to be the focus of our time together today, is talking about what invalidation is, why it happens, and most importantly, what you can do to either feel heard and understood by your partner in your relationship or potentially do a better job of helping your partner feel validated and respected by you. 

If this is your first time listening to the podcast, I’m so glad you found us. I am Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby. I am your host. I am also the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a licensed psychologist. I am a board-certified coach. But what I love doing more than anything else is helping people improve their relationships. I am very married. I’ve been married for a long time. I’ve also just worked as a counselor and a coach for so many years. 

Just one of, I think, my main takeaways from all of this life experience is that truly, our wellness, our happiness, our health comes from the quality of our relationships largely. That’s why so often on this podcast, I want to talk about things that can help you improve your relationships. Because when our relationships feel strong and successful, everything just feels so much easier in our lives. We feel better emotionally. We have more fun. We have a nicer time. We have a strong foundation from which to launch off and do amazing things. So I am a relationship person. 

That’s what we’re talking about today is in the love quadrant: what you can do to increase the emotional safety in your relationship. I think that that’s one of the things that happens when invalidation is present in a relationship is that it really erodes the emotional safety between you and your partner. And ugly things can start happening in a relationship when people aren’t feeling safe, and respected, and heard, and understood. That’s what happens when invalidation is a frequent issue in a relationship. 

To just dive into our topic today, first of all, allow me to just take a couple of minutes to orient you to validation, what it means, why it’s important, to set the stage. When I am talking about either validation or invalidation, to validate someone, it means that you’re helping them feel understood by you, that you get whatever they’re sharing, you are accepting what they are telling you about how they feel. In that space, also, helping them feel cared for by you, that they’re not just saying something and dropping a stone into a well. 

There’s this response. You get them. You understand how they see things. You can see the situation through their eyes. Also, there’s the sense that their perspective is supported by you. I also want to say that in a truly healthy, vibrant relationship, there is always some diversity of thought. We’re not partnered with clones of ourselves, right? People can have different perspectives, different opinions. But there’s this sense of fundamental respect for each other’s perspectives, even if it is different from yours. It’s like this: “Yeah, you know when I look at it that way, I can see why that makes sense.” 

Just think about it. When somebody says that to you, “I can understand why you would feel that way.” I’ve had friends in my life just naturally say things like that to me in conversation, and it’s the relational equivalent of somebody just walking up to you and just folding a warm, soft blanket around your shoulders. “Yes, that makes sense. You make sense. Your feelings make sense. I can see why you feel that way. I would feel that way too if I were in that situation.” It’s just like this, “Ah, thank you so much for saying that.” It’s just such a nice experience to have.

I think that we all crave that from our partners from time to time. Again, that’s a cornerstone of emotional safety. Now, if the phrase emotional safety is a new one for you, I would encourage you to scroll back through my podcast archive. I have done a podcast episode on emotional safety, specifically, where I talked a lot about that concept and how important it is in healthy relationships, and would encourage you to check out that episode if you’d like to explore more about all the different elements of emotional safety. Keep in mind that to be able to validate someone’s feelings is an incredibly important part of that. 

When we’re creating emotionally safe relationships, and when we are validating people that we love, it is, again, it’s like this experience that people are having with us, that we accept them, that we value them, we respect them for who they are. We think that their thoughts, and feelings, and preferences are important. They’re important to us, right? In that context, over communicating that regularly, through the way we’re communicating and the way that we’re interacting with our loved ones, it just creates this very loving and supportive relationship. That’s a foundational component. 

I have to tell you, as a marriage counselor, 95% of the time, when a new couple drops into the practice, and they’re, “We’d like to work on our relationship.” “Okay, great. What’s going on?” 95% of the time, it is some variation of communication. “We’re not communicating as well as we’d like to. Communication feels hard.” When you dig into that, like, “Okay, what about communication is feeling hard right now,” invariably, one, often both partners are not feeling validated. It’s not that the words coming out of each other’s mouths are not terribly problematic in and of themselves. 

It’s that they’re not getting a validating response from their partner. The problem with communication is that they are not feeling like their partner hears them or understands them. They’re feeling like their partner is misinterpreting their intentions. They say something well-intentioned, well-meaning, their partner takes it the wrong way. Here’s something that they are trying to say that is interpreted very negatively, that is responded to in an angry way. Or they’re feeling like their partner just doesn’t have empathy for their perspective, or slaps whatever they’re trying to share out of their hands, or making them feel uncared for, or that their feelings or perspectives aren’t important in that moment. 

That is very much about a validation issue. Because validation, really, at its core, is around having empathy for the other person. Being able to accurately understand their feelings, understand their intentions, and then reflecting back to that person: “Yeah, I can understand that. I’m not sure that I see it exactly the same way. But when I look through it, at the situation through your lens, I can understand that. Also, I understand that this is important to you. And I understand that you are actually feeling this way.” 

I think the other big meta message within that is “I love you, and this, whatever this is, is important to you. You care a lot about this. This is making you feel a certain way. Because you are important to me, I care about it too because I care about you.” Again, it’s just this whole experience of being cherished when we’re talking about validation and how impactful it is. So many arguments, again, start this way. If we were to dissect pretty much any basic argument that a couple can have, almost all of the time, these arguments begin with one person feeling invalidated by the other. 

When that happens, when anyone feels invalidated, the natural response to this is to escalate your efforts to be understood, which often sounds like yelling, am I right? If you say, “Yeah, I feel this way,” and the response you get from your partner’s like, “That’s wrong.” Right? “That didn’t happen, or no, it’s not that big of a deal.” That, I think, makes all of us say, “No, you don’t understand. No, this is true. This is happening.” All of a sudden, we’re really fighting to be understood, aren’t we? We are not fighting to win. We are not fighting to control. We are fighting to be heard and to feel like we’re cared about, to feel like we’re important. 

So the other thing that happens, so one person feels invalidated, and then they escalate, “No, I really need you to understand this.” Then, what also happens is that the invalidator, the person who originally came out with a less than ideal response, will double down on defending their position and will defend their invalidating behaviors. “No, that’s not what I said. That’s not what I meant. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? This always happens when we talk about your mom or your job,” or whatever it is, right? 

When this starts to happen, one person is like, “No, I really need you to understand how I’m feeling right now.” The other person is like, “That’s dumb.” It can get extremely ugly, so fast. I think everybody within the sound of my voice right now has had this experience at one point or another in their relationship. I know that I certainly have. Truth be told, if we’re all going to move towards healthy humility here, I think that our partners have probably felt this way with us from time to time. 

I think that when we are fighting to be heard, we are experiencing invalidation. We’re not getting the response that we want. We are really looking for comfort, or connection, or reassurance, and when that isn’t what we’re getting, right? It feels bad. I think it is very, very easy to miss the moments that we are accidentally and unintentionally making other people feel that way with us. Because I have to tell you, it is so easy to do. When I sit with a couple in marriage counseling, or couples therapy, or whatever it is, and unpack all of this at the core, I do not find narcissists. I do not find sociopaths. I do not find people who are irredeemable and incapable of having healthy relationships. 

What I find are people who are simply unaware of the impact that they are having on others just because they’re in a different place, or they’re not fully understanding how important that particular moment is. It’s just all these missed opportunities to connect. I have been so guilty of that in my own life. I think that chances are, if we are going to be humble and with healthy humility here together, you could probably reflect on some moments in your own life when you have unintentionally done the same. 

The reason why I want to talk about this part for a second is because one of the easiest ways to just melt away all that defensiveness, and restore emotional safety, and increase love and validation all around, is when we can be humble and reflect on our own process because it helps us be more emotionally safe. It helps us be more validating and responsive to our partners, and I think it also helps us handle the moments when we are feeling invalidated by someone else. 

It helps us handle those moments so much more effectively because we can shift away from that automatic response of, “You just totally invalidated me. I’m going to be mad at you.” “No, that’s not what I said. I’m going to start fighting to be heard.” We can shift out of that and into a much more helpful and respectful way of getting our emotional needs met in that moment when we are able to stay soft, and empathetic, and emotionally generous with our partners, and make an effective repair attempt, which is, “You know, let me try that again. I feel like maybe you didn’t fully understand what I was trying to communicate to you in this moment and how important it is for me right now just to feel heard by you, and respected by you, and understood by you. So I’m going to have a redo.”

Particularly, if you and your partner have had the opportunity to work on some of this stuff together in couples counseling, or relationship coaching, like it’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation with you, it immediately orients them back to, “Oh, this is one of those moments when you’re not looking for me to do anything. You are not attacking me. You are not presenting me with a problem that I need to solve. I don’t have to be defensive right now. This is one of these moments when you’re just trying to connect with me emotionally. I can do that. So thank you for giving me another go at this so that I can be a better partner for you right now. Because I love you, and you’re important to me, and that is what I want to do. Okay? Okay, so let’s do this again.”

Then, you can literally have a redo with your partner, where there is a different outcome. That outcome is one where you feel loved, and cared for, and respected, and supportive, and have had the opportunity to share your feelings about something that’s on your mind, and not have it turned into an argument. It turns into a conversation where you just get to share and be heard. Maybe that is 100% the goal. That’s fantastic. No other action is required. We do not have to change anything. We do not have to fix anything. You got to say it. It was received, and we’re done. That’s fantastic. 

Other times, I think another component of validation can be attached to, “I’m feeling this way, and I would like to find a solution to this problem because I’m feeling bothered by the situation. I’d like to have a productive conversation with you where we could maybe just talk about different ways of handling this because I don’t like feeling the way that I’m feeling right now. So I’m just hoping that we can sort through this.” When there is validation happening on both sides, it isn’t just you saying, “I have a problem, and we need to fix that because I’m not okay, right now.” 

It turns into, “Let me tell you about how I’m experiencing this situation and help me feel like you understand what I’m saying. Now tell me how you are feeling in this situation and what you see is the ideal outcome or different options here.” Because when you are being intentionally validating, and respectful, and supportive, you start asking your partner questions like that. “I’m not the only one in this relationship. You might have a totally different perspective here. Tell me more about how you see this, or how you’ve been feeling in these situations. How are you experiencing me when this stuff happens?”

Because in that space of emotional safety, when you are able to validate your partner and help them feel really understood and cared for by you, they will tell you how they’re feeling because they trust you. You’re not going to freak out when they tell you how they’re actually feeling. But if there isn’t that trust in your relationship, they won’t tell you. The trust has been broken to the point that people do not feel safe enough to share how they are really feeling with each other. 

We think of trust many times as something that is broken through betrayal. There’s an affair or there’s some catastrophic lying going on in a relationship, and that can certainly damage trust. But there are many more subtle kinds of betrayals of trust that I think people don’t fully recognize or understand the significance of because they’re subtle, and a betrayal of trust that happens all the time. 

Unintentionally, nobody’s doing this on purpose. But when someone tells you how they really feel, or what they need, or what their hopes are, or what is upsetting them even, and when that is invalidated, or dismissed, or rejected, or reacted to with hostility or contempt, it is a betrayal of trust. The message that people receive is, “I don’t care about how you feel. I disrespect your experience right now. I reject this.” What happens is, they’re like, “Okay, cool, noted. I am never doing that again. The next time you ask me how I’m feeling, I don’t think I want to enter into that ring of emotional intimacy with you because I don’t trust you enough to tell you how I really feel right now.” 

This is hard. This is, I think, a place where I find with many couples, I often need to stay for a fairly significant period of time in couples counseling or in relationship coaching, because people really do not understand the impact that they are having on each other. Again, and I say this as someone who has done exactly the same thing, we all get so focused on our own perspective, our own needs, and whether or not they are being met in a relationship, and whether or not we are feeling validated, or getting the response that we want. 

We get very hyper-focused on what is happening in that regard and really miss the systemic nature of relationships, which is, “When I’m feeling that way, what do I do? How do I approach my partner? How do I engage with them?” Because especially people who perceive themselves as really fighting for their relationships, fighting to have greater emotional intimacy or greater connection, have no idea how scary or emotionally unsafe or even threatening they themselves are being in these moments when they feel like they’re seeking emotional intimacy. 

I’m going to do a whole other podcast on that topic, that concept, specifically, around emotional intimacy and what to do when we’re feeling lonely and disconnected in a relationship. So more on that topic to come soon. Just that one takeaway from today would be to ask yourself: Are you validating your partner? Are they feeling invalidated by you in those moments? Or has trust been broken in the past that accidentally trained them to hide from you, and to not communicate with you, and to not tell you how they’re really, really feeling even though you want them to, but something has happened, where they feel like they can’t? 

That’s a really, really common thing that happens in relationships. It is frequently due to that primary issue of people feeling invalidated or rejected by each other in these potentially tender moments of connection. 

With that in mind, I would really like to turn this conversation to talking a little bit about understanding what invalidation looks like in action so that we ourselves can be more conscious of the times that we’re doing it and then, also have a little bit more empathy or understanding for the times when our partners may be doing that to us without fully realizing it. Because empathy is so key. 

To begin, when invalidation is happening, what we are communicating, what is happening is that people feel like we don’t understand them. We are misinterpreting them. We are taking what they are saying, and then running it through our own filter of meaning, and coming up with something different than what they were trying to communicate to us that they don’t feel understood. Or that if we do understand what they’re saying conceptually, we don’t care about their feelings. Not that we don’t care, but that we are rejecting it, and it can be very, very subtle, you guys.

It could be like, “I’m sure they didn’t mean that when they said X, Y, Z. You’re probably just overreacting.” Those kinds of things, which might be true. I don’t know. But the truth of what is happening or not happening is so insignificant that the truth of what’s happening is that your partner is actually trying to tell you how they are feeling, emotionally, in this present moment. You have just been offered the gift of trust and emotional intimacy. What are you going to do with that? 

Are you going to make them feel like you don’t understand, or they’re stupid, or their feelings are ridiculous or not important, or they’re being overreactive, or they’re just not thinking about this the right way? Because that doesn’t feel good. We all know how that feels, right? It is not good. Or are they going to be leaving whatever interaction they just had with you feeling like, “I love them so much because they love me.” Just feeling loved. In order to improve this experience, we need to be self-aware of when it’s happening and what we are potentially doing to cause it.

There are different flavors of invalidation. We all have our unique styles, I think. When I am being invalidating to my husband, I’m usually doing it in one of a couple of ways. So let me just run through these types of invalidating behaviors. See if you can see yourself in any of these and maybe if some of these are true for your partner. 

One, and I think this is probably the most common, and this is the one that I am so guilty of, is an inattentive invalidator. These types of invalidators, they’re just not paying attention when their partner is talking about something important. Oh my gosh, I can so easily do this, because I don’t know what you’re like. Me, I’m just kind of usually zooming along at 900 miles an hour. I am a habitual multitasker. I know it’s not good to do that. But I am doing the dishes while I’m on the phone with somebody, and I’m thinking about five things that are happening.

Sometimes in these moments, this is when my husband wants to tell me about something. What happens is, they will say, “Oh, I had such a day. I’m not feeling good. I think I might be getting sick.” Then, you might say — by you I mean me — you’d be like, “You know what, I was just thinking that we should go on a trip to Canada.” Or, “Oh did I tell you that Julie called. She was thinking that we might go camping this… Would you want to do that?” So, I am now picking up my phone and researching campsites or travel reservations. 

My husband just said something totally unrelated to that. He was trying to tell me something about how he felt. It triggered an idea in my mind, or I wasn’t really paying attention to the impact of what he was trying to say. Because there can be emotional connotations to certain things that people say. They’re very easy to miss unless we’re really paying attention. So he, in that moment, felt like I was totally disconnected from what he was trying to communicate, which I was. It’s just because I wasn’t fully present. 

I was kind of thinking about something, and he said something, and I had a random thought in my head and just sort of impulsively acted on it. I’m nowhere near where he is in terms of what he’s trying to communicate or what he is needing for me in that moment. It’s not intentional. It’s not like I’m trying to harm him in those moments. I’m not mad at him. It’s just really a simple lack of attention. I, in order to be a better partner, need to slow down sometimes. Also, one of the things that I have found over the years, and I see this routinely with the couples that I work with too, is to be able to set some boundaries or guidelines around these conversations. 

When I can tell that he is trying to communicate about something that might be more important, and I am not in a headspace where I can do that. I have a crisis situation at work that I’m thinking about or needing to deal with and that maybe he doesn’t know about that, right? So he’s trying to talk to me all of a sudden, and I have learned to say, “I want to hear all about this. Can you give me 15 minutes? I need to take care of this. I need to X, Y, Z or whatever.” Then, 15 minutes later, I am like, “Tell me more,” blink, blink, and I’m looking in his eyes asking appropriate questions. I’m all there. 

But I need to communicate to him when I can’t be present. Because if he doesn’t know that, he’s going to try to communicate with me and not have a good experience. I think we’ve learned a lot about each other over the years. He’s like, “I would like to talk to you about something important. Is now a good time? Or when can we talk about this?” That conversation right there has been a game-changer, I think, in our relationship. But for so many couples that I work with, particularly, in relationship coaching, people come in, and they have been feeling so badly with each other, and it’s just felt so hard. 

When we unpack it and when we dial down into it, sometimes, you guys, the answer is as easy as that. “Tell me what is going on in the moments that you’re trying to communicate, and it’s not going well, or it’s feeling frustrating. Literally, where are you?” It could be, sometimes, people are telling me, “It was during dinner, and our three-year-old was having a meltdown, and X, Y, Z.” They start talking about all of these different circumstances. When we’re able to identify the practices that people are using, the boundaries that they’re setting around their communication, and how they are communicating their needs in those moments to each other, it’s so much easier. 

It was actually not this big, horrible, catastrophic thing. We don’t have to spend nine months in therapy talking about, “Yes, your mother was an alcoholic, and all of these big things about why you can’t communicate.” No, it’s actually learning how to say, “Is this a good time to talk?” to your partner. Not always. Sometimes, there are old things, and it goes deeper. But, you’d be amazed at the impact of making these small procedural changes can make on the way that everything unfolds. So I just wanted to share that. If inattentive invalidation is a thing at your house, just try it. Let me know what happens. 

Now, there are other kinds of invalidating behaviors that we should talk about. Another common one is a belligerent invalidator. The MO of a belligerent invalidator is to rebut rather than listen and put their energy into making their own case, instead of seeing things from their partner’s perspective. 

Example, somebody, either you or your partner, is talking about, “I didn’t feel good about that situation. That person was being rude, or that felt uncomfortable.” A belligerent invalidator will basically tell you why you’re wrong for feeling that way. Or say, “Yeah, well, this is what was actually going on.” 

What’s happening in those moments, and again, it’s not on purpose. It’s not intentional. But it’s like they are replacing your perspective or whatever you just shared with their own perspective. They are not trying to be hostile or belligerent. But it really feels that way. Because it was like you just put something out there, and then, they just steamrolled over it with their concept of reality. 

This, again, is super common. I think it is very easy to identify people or situations when we have felt that way. Less easy to identify when we ourselves are accidentally doing that. Somebody shares something, and it’s very easy to say, “Oh, no, that’s not what happened. Let me tell you what really happened.” Sometimes, when you do that to people, they’ll fight back and it’ll turn into an argument, which in some ways is great. It’s healthier in some ways, and it’s like, “ No, I need you to listen to me right now.” 

Other times, you will do that to someone. You’ll say, “No, no, no. That’s not what happened. Let me tell you what actually happened.” People will just take it, and you will have made them feel really bad, and uncared for, and disrespected. They just kind of go inwards. You just steamrolled right over them and broke their trust in you. You’re not emotionally safe. But they’re like, “Okay.” We’ll exit that. You might not ever know what just happened. You’ll feel fine because you were just telling them what you thought. What’s the harm? You’re just calling it like you see it right? You’ll never know that that was actually a real wound. 

That’s another thing about relationships. We’ve all heard that saying, “Death by a thousand cuts.” These micro-moments? Those are cuts, and if you’re with someone who isn’t real assertive in telling you how you’re making them feel, you can just keep cutting, and cutting, and cutting, and they’ll just eventually be done with you, and you will not have known why. That is a terrible thing to consider, and it is a reality of relationships. So, belligerent invalidation. Please keep that one on your radar. 

The next time somebody tells you something, particularly, if it has anything to do with how they felt, or perceived something, or reacted to something, is just to keep in mind, they are telling you how they feel right now. Their truth is how they feel. Your job as a partner, or a friend, is to help them feel understood by you, not corrected by you. Nobody’s asking you for that. So, again, I’m being direct. I am being your friend right now. Because the alternative when you’re doing that to people and not fully aware of it can be really bad for relationships, and it’s very easy to do. 

Another very common kind of invalidating behavior are the controlling invalidators. These types of invalidators are often extremely confident, which is a good thing in many situations. But they are very confident that their way of doing things is right and just, and will either intervene or undo things that their partner does in efforts to correct it. 

Now, I have also been guilty of this in my relationship. Again, I think it’s more due to impulsivity than ill will, right? When someone is invalidating in a controlling way, they often feel like they’re helping. They are stepping in. They’re going to manage something. They’re going to prevent a possible problem that they foresee in the future and that maybe their partner doesn’t. But this happens in so many situations, including parenting, housekeeping, social situations around finances. 

One example would be, one partner saying, “No little Timmy, you can’t go out to play because you have to take a shower and clean your room.” The other partner is, “Oh, yeah, Jim’s mom called and wants you to play. Just be back before dinner.” So it’s this really subtle and common kind of invalidation that happens when one person’s preferences or things that they are trying to create or do are, again, just undone by someone else. 

This can happen in very small ways, too, around someone’s preferences for how you do things. I think, for many couples, teamwork can feel hard. One aspect of every successful relationship is just being able to work together as a team, right? Like the most banal things. Who does laundry? Who folds the laundry? Does laundry get put away in the drawer? Or does it stay in the laundry basket even if it’s clean? Who gets the mail? Who opens the mail? How often does this happen? Who pays the bills? 

These little procedural things, even around cleaning, cleaning the house, or making the bed, or cooking a meal that people who have a tendency towards this controlling kind of invalidation, they wind up taking over for a lot of different things because they have stronger opinions about the way that things should be done. The message that is sent to their partner is, “You’re not doing it right. Your way of doing things is wrong, and I am taking this away from you.” 

The experience on the other side, again, can be very subtle. People may or may not be talking about this, but it leads to a lot of withdrawal in relationships. It’s like this: “Okay, I tried. It wasn’t good enough. Fine. You do it.” It is this sense of being, sometimes micromanaged, but just disrespected. “My preferences, my ways of doing things, my feelings in the situation are not important to you.” It’s like, “This is your show. This isn’t my show.” 

It comes through these small interactions and through these very subtle and seemingly insignificant, controlling kinds of invalidating behaviors that many of us are not aware of. Because, again, our intentions are not bad. We’re not trying to make our partners feel micromanaged or disrespected. It’s that we maybe have done this before, maybe we have our preferences; we already have a system. “No, the bread goes here,” that kind of thing. But again, what it leads to, particularly, if it’s a pattern in the relationship is the other person withdrawing and just feeling like there’s not space for them. 

I do not want to genderify this because these patterns can exist for both men and women and in same-sex relationships, certainly. But usually, controlling invalidators, in my experience, tend to be women. Not always, but many, many times. So just check in with yourself. “Am I doing this?” See if you can notice it in yourself. Again, notice, too, that when this is happening, you’re not trying to be disrespectful. You’re not trying to be damaging. You are not trying to communicate contempt. But that’s how it can still be received. 

Again, I’m not saying these things to make you feel bad. When we shine the light on ourselves and understand how easy it is to accidentally make other people feel this way, we can become much more gentle and compassionate when we are experiencing invalidation from others. We can see the other person not as this invalidating enemy who is trying to hurt me emotionally. It’s, “Oh, they don’t understand what’s happening right now.” Because I, sometimes, don’t understand the small things that I do make other people feel a certain way. 

When we can move into that space of compassion and collaborative understanding. It’s so much easier to talk about that authentically and have grace for the other person to say, “Let’s have a redo. This is one of the things that we’ve been working on. We’ve been talking to Lisa about this or whatever.” It softens it. It makes it much more likely to have your needs met when you can have empathy for the noble intentions of your partner, noble intentions much of the time. 

One other thing, a couple other kinds of invalidating behaviors, there is also such a thing as a judgmental invalidator. These kinds of validators, again, in my experience, they are truly trying to be helpful. But what they do in action is that they are minimizing the importance of things that they don’t personally feel are interesting, or important, or significant that their other person sees. They do so in a way that creates disconnection in their relationships. 

An example of judgmental invalidation would be somebody saying, “What should we do this weekend? There are so many fun things. Do you want to go to the farmers market? Do you want to go to the RV show, rodeo, anything? It could literally be brunch with my friends.” The judgmental invalidator would say, “No, that’s boring. I want to spend this time playing video games with my friend. Or I am not even remotely interested in brunch or your friends. Why would I want to do that?” 

Again, they probably feel like they’re being authentic, right? They’re telling you how they really feel. Also, a judgmental invalidator can also communicate this way about emotionally laden things. “That’s, again, the wrong way of looking at it.” Or “Why would you think that?” What they’re doing is, they’re so entrenched in their little perspective of the world, their own little fiefdom of reality, that it is very difficult for them to look over the wall and understand that other people have other interests. 

They have other cognitive filters. They have other expectations of relationshipse. They are interpreting the world differently. They have different motivations. They have different tastes. They’re just, again, so stuck in their own one worldview. It’s like they’re just looking down at their feet. This is the way things are. To have that acknowledgment of the diversity of all humans, they struggle with that. But again, they’re not doing it out of maliciousness. They are simply being authentic. 

They’re like, “Why would I do that? I’ve never gone to a rodeo. I don’t really get it. No, I don’t want to do that.” Again, what happens is that it sends this message of what you are interested in doing, what you like, what you might want to try, “First of all, I don’t understand that, and I will not participate in that with you. That isn’t important to me, so I won’t do it.” 

Again, it can be very subtle. But I tell you what, I have seen so many relationships break apart on those rocks, I can’t even tell you. Because what happens is that the person on the other side feels like if they want to maintain a connection with this individual, they have to enter their world. They have to be into what they are into. They need to hang out with their friends. They need to participate in their interests because their partner is not coming over the line onto their side of things. 

Now, just to state this very plainly, and clearly, it is also true that in vibrant, healthy relationships, partners have different interests. It is 100%, okay, to have hobbies, or sports, or activities that you are into that your partner is not into. You don’t have to be doing all the same things together all of the time. I think, in some ways, to have that kind of diversity in a relationship is quite healthy because you have this sort of interdependence. You can have your separate lives and separate friend groups. 

I think that makes for a more interesting relationship, right? You can go do something fun with your friends, and your partner can go through a different thing. Then, you can come back together and have an interesting conversation because you have stories to tell and things to share. It’s great, right? So that’s how people grow and evolve. All of those things are healthy. 

But I think when there is this, almost absolute refusal to enter into someone’s worldview ever, what is experienced is a lot of judgment. Because, again, I think people are not intended to come across this way. But the meta-message is that “Well, that’s dumb. Why would you want to do that? Ew, no, that’s boring.” For whatever it is. That feels really bad. It feels really bad to be partnered with someone who is judgmental of who you are and what you’re into. 

I think that the lesson we can take here is that even if you are not into the things that your partner is into, it is okay to help support their interests by talking to them about it or doing things with them sometimes. You don’t have to spend every weekend of your life doing the thing. But, what we want to communicate is that “Your interests are important to you. Therefore, they are important to me.” 

Listen, you guys, I have a 13-year-old who is super into video games right now. Candy Crush stresses me out. That’s all I can take, right? Not only am I not interested in playing video games, I do not really care that much. But my 13-year-old is super interested in this. So, I will be a video-game spectator. I will watch him play. He’s telling me about all these different missiles, and guns, and squads, and things, and whatever. He is so excited. 

To connect with him, I am not being judgmental and rejecting of the things that are important to him because it would be so easy for me to do that. Because inside my head sometimes I’m like, “Why would you want to, anyway?” But in those moments, my role is to like, “Tell me more. What do you like about this game? Or tell me about what happened when X, Y, Z. Or who’s your favorite character? Or what do you like about? Tell me about the plotline.” 

Asking questions being engaged, because the alternative is to subtly communicate judgment, and rejection, and invalidation in a way that can create a lot of disconnection in a relationship and sends a message, “You’re not important to me. What you’re into is dumb. I think you’re dumb. I don’t care about this.” It feels like “I don’t care about you.” We don’t want to do that for the people that we love. Again, easy to do. Easy to do. 

Now, there are a couple of other kinds of invalidators that I’m going to talk about really briefly. One of the most important, and this, oftentimes, I think, is a very obvious one is the emotional invalidator. How many times have we encountered these people in our lives? This is the stereotypical garden-variety emotional invalidator who disagrees with other people’s feelings, or argues that other people’s feelings are not reasonable, or tries to talk them out of their feelings.

For example, if you have ever been crying for some random reason, and your partner wanders in and says, “You shouldn’t be sad about that.” Or “It wasn’t that big of a deal.” Or doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that you are in the grips of a big emotion, or tries to cheer you up. Again, these responses to emotion often come from — this is hard to even say out loud, but it’s so true — they are honestly well-intentioned. 

Somebody thinks that they’re trying to make you feel better. “Look on the bright side. Or at least, X, Y, Z.” Or, “You know? Forget about that. Let’s go do something fun. Let me distract you from your feelings.” Oftentimes, people are trying to help you because they perceive emotions as being problematic, dark emotions as being something negative that need to be avoided. They themselves are often not that great in noticing how they feel or being able to stay engaged with their own negative emotions, which is a core component of emotional intelligence. It’s hard to do. 

Again, not to genderify, but many men, as we’ve talked about on this podcast previously, are not socialized to have a really deep relationship with their own feelings. So many little boys to this day get yelled at for crying or punished for having “negative,” I prefer to call them, dark emotions. There’s a lot of negative connotations around those. Emotional invalidators often will see someone in the grips of a negative emotion and be like, “Oh, no, I have to get them out of there because that’s not good,” not recognizing that it is so positive and so important for all of us to really be in those fully present spaces sometimes. 

Like, “I am having an authentic experience right now. I am feeling really, really sad about this situation.” Or “My feelings were hurt.” Or “I just feel really bad about this situation that happened at work. I don’t know what to do.” Or “I’m feeling so overwhelmed” Or… Whatever it is, in order for us to grow and to be genuinely healthy, we need to go into those spaces, and stay there, and process our feelings, and take wisdom from those feelings. 

The best thing that any of us can do when our partner is in that space is to say, “Tell me more about what’s going on.” Open-ended questions. “When did you start feeling this way? What were the triggers? What happens to you in these moments?” Or to say nothing at all, just to sit there with somebody and allow them the luxury of having their feelings validated in your presence. Because just to simply be present with someone when they’re not okay is such a gift. It’s so emotionally intimate. We don’t show everyone in the world that side of us. 

But in our most intimate relationships, we are extending this treasure of, “This is how I really feel. This is who I really am. This is what is true for me.” To simply have that be acknowledged, and accepted, and not argued with, and not to have someone try to change it or do something about it, is the greatest gift that we can ever give. That really is how to connect with someone. Anything else leads them to feel like, “They don’t care about how I’m feeling. My feelings are not important to them. My feelings are making them uncomfortable. So I need to fix myself back up again because they can’t handle it.” 

Do you want somebody to feel that way with you? I don’t. So just to be aware of that in those moments. Even just a hug, or “I hear you,” or “Yeah, that is a really hard situation. That is legitimately so hard. I’m so sorry that that is happening. I know that there is nothing that I can do, and I’m just so grateful that you’re sharing these feelings with me right now. Because I appreciate that we have that kind of relationship where you let me into this.” Just even saying simple things like that can be just the most amazing thing you could possibly do. 

A close cousin of this emotional invalidation, somebody who’s very uncomfortable with dark emotions, is the other well-intentioned person that is a Mr. Fix It or Ms. Fix It in those moments of, somebody is struggling with something hard and what they’re trying to do, honestly and legitimately, is saying, “I love you so much. I’m going to solve this problem. Let’s fix it because I don’t want you to feel bad about this. Let’s fix it.” So it is, “I’ll pick the kids up tomorrow.” Or “Let me. It’s okay. Here’s what we should do instead,” and jumping right into solutions.”

Hey, I am all about solutions. Yes, all couples need to solve actual problems together. There are so many moments of opportunity for productive, collaborative problem solving that do actually make changes in the way you do things, where you talk to each other, the way you handle things, related to parenting, or finances, or boundaries. So much stuff. There is a time and place to actually focus on making specific changes. 

What often happens to the detriment of relationships is when people jump into that problem-solving space at the expense of the emotional-connection space. Again, it is so well-intentioned, but I can’t even tell you how many couples I’ve worked with in couples therapy or relationship coaching, where we had to stay awhile on helping people understand how those efforts are actually received on an emotional level by their partner. 

Because when someone says, “I’m just feeling so overwhelmed by the situation, right now. I’m feeling so frustrated.” And somebody is like, “Okay, well, let’s just do this. And then, it’ll never happen again,” they don’t experience that as being helpful. The message it sends is, “I don’t want to hear about it. We need to just fix this immediately, stop talking about this. I don’t want to know how you’re feeling about it. I am going to shut the door of emotion. We’ll fix this, so we can never talk about it again.” It’s kind of how it’s experienced.

Again, noble intentions, problem-solving is good. But without the space of being able to connect and really talk about the feelings and help your partner feel genuinely validated in that moment, it does the opposite of what is often intended, which is to fix something. What it actually does is create emotional disconnection in the relationship. It turns into, “Well, she doesn’t want to hear about it, or she’s just going to tell me to do this thing differently. So, whatever.” It creates withdrawal. It makes people feel uncared for and they’re not truly known by their partner, which over time leads to serious disconnection in a relationship. 

Again, we’ll talk more about that emotional intimacy in upcoming podcast episodes. But be aware if this is something that you tend to do in relationships is that rushing in to fix or trying to talk people out of their feelings. I will bet you a cookie that subjectively, you feel in those moments like you’re trying to be helpful. You’re trying to make them feel better. You’re trying to look for solutions, all positive things. But there is a whole other dimension of relationships. 

We must make space for the authentic emotional experience of our partners, and help them feel understood, and respected, and affirmed, and validated by us. Because even if we’re fixing things, and trying to keep things positive, our relationships, over time, become really hollowed out when that emotional connection, emotional safety, emotional trust, emotional intimacy is eroded. That is what happens when people are invalidating each other. 

Lastly, just want to share that these patterns are often entrenched in relationships. They can be difficult for all of us to see when we are doing them because our intentions are often good in those moments. I would just like to float the idea that your partner probably experiences those moments similarly. They struggle to understand how their responses may be impacting you. So, certainly, would invite you to get them to listen to this podcast if that would be helpful, just to raise some awareness. 

Also, these things are hard. I spend, easily, several sessions with couples, helping them gain self-awareness about these interactions, in these small moments that invalidation is happening in order to help them recognize them and do something different instead. So I always feel bad in some ways. I love making these podcasts for you. I hope that you find the information in them to be helpful. But I also just want to say out loud that the process of creating change in these areas is not just about getting information, listening to a podcast, and being like, “Okay, cool, I’m gonna do this instead.” 

The actual arc of change is experiential. It occurs over time. So I just want to say that because I always worry that people will hear one of these podcasts and then assume that they should be able to do all of this stuff now that they’ve heard this, or even worse, that their partner listens to this podcast and should be able to do this stuff differently because of having benefited from this information. Personal growth does not work that way. Personal growth is never an event. It is a process that starts with maybe information. But then, it has to turn into self-awareness and recognition. That is very experiential in nature. 

I just wanted to offer that so that you are gentle with yourself if this is a growth opportunity for you. Also, so that you are gentle with your partner. I hope that if you take nothing else away from our discussion today, please do take away this idea that if you are feeling invalidated in your relationship, as is so common, to take away that the fact that when people are engaging in behaviors that are experienced as invalidating, they are not intending to hurt you. There is a huge lack of awareness around the impact of these behaviors. 

To be gentle and compassionate with your partner, and shift into a more effective stance of “Let’s work on this. Let me help you understand what’s happening in these moments. Let’s try this again. Here’s what I’m looking for you. I’m looking for emotional intimacy right now. I’d love to feel more of this with you. When these things happen, I don’t feel emotionally connected to you. I’d like that to change.” 

Having those kinds of conversations are just so much more helpful in the long run than having it just turn into a fight or being really critical with your partner because they maybe don’t have the self-awareness or the skills yet to help you feel validated in those moments. Because we all engage in invalidating behaviors, sometimes, it’s so easy to do, and I hope that we can all have grace with each other and help each other grow and evolve. That is my intention for us today. 

I hope that you took something away from this podcast. Hey, if you did, as a favor to me and your fellow travelers on this journey of growth, if you could, trot over to wherever you’re listening to this podcast, and leave a review. That helps this podcast reach more people. As you probably know, we don’t do any advertising. This is not a mercenary thing. 

This is me trying to help people who are probably never going to be my clients but to take hopefully valuable little bits of information away that will help them have more happy, and loving, and stable, honestly, relationships, and marriages, and families, and homes that can improve their lives, also the lives of their children, for kids to grow up in a home where there is an emotionally safe relationship happening with them, and their parents. To witness that in their partners, that is what lasts for generations. 

So help other people find this show. Review it. Share it on social media, this episode and others. I would really appreciate it not just for myself, but for everybody that can benefit from hearing this message, too. So thank you again for being here today. I will be back in touch next week with another episode of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast. Bye-bye.

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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.

88 Comments

  2. This is excellent advice… as usual. I agree completely with the concept that invalidation is the trigger for 98% of arguments. In fact I could probably track that escalation by recognizing when we are invalidating each other.

    Reply

  3. I think you may have missed one: Non-responsiveness. When you reach out by any means possible to try to let someone know that something they have said or done—or not done— has hurt you and they don’t acknowledge—at all.

    Reply

  4. Or how bout when you reach out to a partner with something emotionally upsetting for you (not even about them) and they mock you

    Reply

      1. What about when your partner has cheated, lied, etc; and now every conversation is about “their feelings”and your lack of care?? How can either party be equally validated when one still believes they’re needs if emotional retention hasn’t been met?

        Reply

        1. You are absolutely correct Jamie. You are highly unlikely to get validation, much less any of your other legitimate emotional needs, from a person who is lacking in empathy, feels only self-pity when they’ve harmed others, and who is singularly self-focused. You can’t get blood from a stone and you can’t get love from a narcissist.

          To be clear, having not met your partner I have no idea whether they’re a narcissist or not… but do you? You deserve to know, so that you can make healthy decisions for yourself one way or another. You might consider checking out a recent podcast, “When To Call it Quits in a Relationship” that outlines ways to know whether or not growth and change is possible, and how to know when it’s not.

          If you determine that this is not going to change (as evidenced by his continued inability to take responsibility, not blame you, and lack of empathy for your needs, rights and feelings), it’s time to stop being mad at him for consistently not being different, and instead, accept the reality that he is who and what he is.

          If, in the cold light of day, what this has to offer is not in alignment with what you need and deserve (like, you know, fidelity, honesty, commitment and emotional safety, to name just a few) then you’ll be free to put your time and energy into finding someone who is able to show you the love, respect, empathy and yes, validation you have every right to expect.

          Wishing you all the best Jamie….

          xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

          Reply

  5. This article really hit home for me. I’ve been guilty of almost all of these invalidations at one time or another. I did these because I was emotionally detached person who heard my partner but went straight for a logical fix to the request to be heard without acknowledging the feelings. I will try to do better now that I know.

    Reply

  6. My boyfriend is all of these types in one. I know that might sound like a nightmare but we’ve been together for four years and he’s a amazing man and partner. Still this is absolutely our number one issue.

    Reply

    1. Zelda, you d“How Healthy is Your Relationship” online quiz.scribe so many strengths in your relationship and I think it says so much that you are still so in love with and committed to him, despite his difficulty in helping you feel understood.

      In my experience, relationships can sustain only so much invalidation or rejection before, over time, it starts to become a thing. I would recommend that you do everything in your power to have this be a “growth moment” for both of you, instead of allowing resentments to build and ultimately create a situation that might not be sustainable for you long-term. I hope that if your partner has the opportunity to learn a couple of new relationship skills, this might start to feel very different for you!

      I wonder if he’d be open to reading this article? Or even better, see if you can get him to take our “How Healthy is Your Relationship” online quiz. (You can take it first and then request that he be emailed an invitation). After the quiz you’ll both have access to a bunch of free videos I made that discuss all the different dimensions of a healthy relationship and I talk A LOT about emotional safety, good communication, the importance of feeling loved and respected.

      Reply

  7. My husband is also many of these types. We have been married 33 years, and over the years I have repeatedly brought to his attention things he does that invalidate my feelings. I guess I thought that by making him aware that his actions (or lack of them) was hurtful, that he might be motivated to try harder to be aware of other peoples’ feelings. After all, who wants to deliberate hurt their partner? If I’m aware that something I do annoys or hurts another person, I make a conscious effort to stop doing that. But he truly cannot seem to see anyone else’s point of view and nothing changes. He does not see a problem. Your article is spot on, but what does a person do when their supposed “partner” does not admit that there is a problem? I think I’m just done with him; I don’t know what else to do.

    Reply

  8. Hello, thanks for this article. I feel often invalidated by my partner and I’m sure he’s not intentionally doing it, but he does, even if I try to explain him how I feel.
    Could you suggest any book that could help him to understand what invalidation is and how to improve himself and our relationship?
    Thanks.

    Reply

  9. This was an excellent read, I’ve been trying to find a way to express to my husband how something’s he says invalidates how I feel and you explained this so clear cut, I just have to say thank you. I also didn’t some self reflecting and realized I would provide him with some invalidation as well, but I truly hope he reads this and understands or gains some perspective on how he makes me feel or what I see and think when he does it.

    Reply

  11. I don’t really get the judgemental example. It doesn’t seem to fit. How is the fortnite example a judging one?

    Reply

    1. Hi Bill! This would be an example of someone rejecting their partner’s bid for connection / invitation to go do something because they think that it the activities being suggested are boring / lame / not interesting compared to what they want to do (play fortnite). But I appreciate your saying that this intention may not have come across — I’ll take another look at the copy!

      Reply

  12. What if your partner says you’re “emotionally invalidating” them when you don’t do what they want? If she says “you’re spending too much time at work, take this afternoon off”, then you say “sorry I’ve got a vitally important meeting this afternoon” and she says you’re invalidating her?

    There’s a distinction in theory between validating someone and agreeing with them (or agreeing to do what they want) but in practice in relationships they’re often conflated. How do you make someone feel validated while saying no to them? That isn’t easy.

    Reply

    1. Oliver, you bring up such a good point and I totally agree. Validating someone’s feelings is absolutely not the same thing as doing whatever they want you to do. I think I’m hearing that your partner is seeking to know that you care about her, and that you understand her feelings, and that her feelings and preferences are important to you. If you’re communicating that to her with your words and deeds most of the time, and yet she’s still getting really upset with you when you have to set boundaries with her and ask for her to understand YOUR needs, rights and feelings, this is indicating that there might be a deeper issue going on here.

      Have you tried talking with her about how you feel? If that feels hard to do (or if your attempts at communication elicit upsetness in her and disintegrate into an unproductive conflict) that could be a sign that you’d both benefit from connecting with a good relationship coach or relationship counselor who can help you get to the bottom of what’s going on here.

      I am completely speculating here given that I know nothing about you, your partner, or your relationship, and from my experience, it may be that she needs some assistance in managing her anxiety and seeing things from your perspective. You might also have opportunities to learn communication strategies that help her feel loved and cared for by you even when you have to set limits with her.

      But you deserve to be validated and respected in this relationship too Oliver — a healthy relationship cannot be all one-way!

      Wishing you all the best,
      Dr. Lisa

      Reply

  13. Dr. Lisa,

    One of the hardest challenges that come from accidentally invalidating my partner, is that he has told me I deserve to hurt and face consequences because I clearly meant to cause harm. I’ve been reduced to the point of breaking over cooking pizza at 400 degrees like the recipe says rather than 450 like he says in passing by while I cook, because I’m acting like a child that doesn’t want to listen to his advice. Doing or saying the wrong thing can at worst cost weeks of the silent treatment, or at best ridicule.

    It’s been difficult to talk about my own needs and boundaries. It’s difficult to get a word in, actually. Most of the things that I think or do or feel have been directly invalidated.

    I found Growing Self one day when I was feeling small and my therapist was telling me to use “I” statements (which despite her reassurance and reading through what I wrote out to say ended very badly). Your podcast of the name “Sorry’s Not Good Enough: How To Repair Trust in Your Relationship” got me out of some hard times, and out of some expensive therapy that seemed to be taking me several steps backward in conflict resolution.

    I’ve always journaled, and some of your articles and podcasts have done quite a bit to progress me on my self-help journey. Thank you, Dr. Lisa, for all of your good work, it means a lot to me. I hope working on my own end of things in the relationship can do some good, and if nothing else I like me so I’ll always have that.

    Reply

  16. Amber, I’m so glad to know that these ideas and the other resources you’ve found on GrowingSelf.com have been helpful to you. Have you subscribed to the podcast? I ask because we’re planning some new episodes around Boundaries in Relationships, Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships, and more. I think you would benefit from listening to them. Glad to be your partner in growth Amber, even if just from a distance! xo, Dr. Lisa

    Reply

  18. I’m glad that they are helpful to you William. Thank you for being part of our community here at Growing Self! 🙂

    Reply

  19. This is excellent advice… as usual. I agree completely with the concept that invalidation is the trigger for 98% of arguments. In fact I could probably track that escalation by recognizing when we are invalidating each other.

    Reply

  20. I think you may have missed one: Non-responsiveness. When you reach out by any means possible to try to let someone know that something they have said or done—or not done— has hurt you and they don’t acknowledge—at all.

    Reply

  21. Excellent point. I think that “non responsiveness” is so important it might deserve a post of its own! Thank you for suggesting it. LMB

    Reply

  22. Or how bout when you reach out to a partner with something emotionally upsetting for you (not even about them) and they mock you

    Reply

  23. This article really hit home for me. I’ve been guilty of almost all of these invalidations at one time or another. I did these because I was emotionally detached person who heard my partner but went straight for a logical fix to the request to be heard without acknowledging the feelings. I will try to do better now that I know.

    Reply

  25. My boyfriend is all of these types in one. I know that might sound like a nightmare but we’ve been together for four years and he’s a amazing man and partner. Still this is absolutely our number one issue.

    Reply

  26. Zelda, you d“How Healthy is Your Relationship” online quiz.scribe so many strengths in your relationship and I think it says so much that you are still so in love with and committed to him, despite his difficulty in helping you feel understood.

    In my experience, relationships can sustain only so much invalidation or rejection before, over time, it starts to become a thing. I would recommend that you do everything in your power to have this be a “growth moment” for both of you, instead of allowing resentments to build and ultimately create a situation that might not be sustainable for you long-term. I hope that if your partner has the opportunity to learn a couple of new relationship skills, this might start to feel very different for you!

    I wonder if he’d be open to reading this article? Or even better, see if you can get him to take our “How Healthy is Your Relationship” online quiz. (You can take it first and then request that he be emailed an invitation). After the quiz you’ll both have access to a bunch of free videos I made that discuss all the different dimensions of a healthy relationship and I talk A LOT about emotional safety, good communication, the importance of feeling loved and respected.

    Reply

  27. My husband is also many of these types. We have been married 33 years, and over the years I have repeatedly brought to his attention things he does that invalidate my feelings. I guess I thought that by making him aware that his actions (or lack of them) was hurtful, that he might be motivated to try harder to be aware of other peoples’ feelings. After all, who wants to deliberate hurt their partner? If I’m aware that something I do annoys or hurts another person, I make a conscious effort to stop doing that. But he truly cannot seem to see anyone else’s point of view and nothing changes. He does not see a problem. Your article is spot on, but what does a person do when their supposed “partner” does not admit that there is a problem? I think I’m just done with him; I don’t know what else to do.

    Reply

  28. Hello, thanks for this article. I feel often invalidated by my partner and I’m sure he’s not intentionally doing it, but he does, even if I try to explain him how I feel.
    Could you suggest any book that could help him to understand what invalidation is and how to improve himself and our relationship?
    Thanks.

    Reply

  29. This was an excellent read, I’ve been trying to find a way to express to my husband how something’s he says invalidates how I feel and you explained this so clear cut, I just have to say thank you. I also didn’t some self reflecting and realized I would provide him with some invalidation as well, but I truly hope he reads this and understands or gains some perspective on how he makes me feel or what I see and think when he does it.

    Reply

  31. I don’t really get the judgemental example. It doesn’t seem to fit. How is the fortnite example a judging one?

    Reply

  32. Hi Bill! This would be an example of someone rejecting their partner’s bid for connection / invitation to go do something because they think that it the activities being suggested are boring / lame / not interesting compared to what they want to do (play fortnite). But I appreciate your saying that this intention may not have come across — I’ll take another look at the copy!

    Reply

  33. What about when your partner has cheated, lied, etc; and now every conversation is about “their feelings”and your lack of care?? How can either party be equally validated when one still believes they’re needs if emotional retention hasn’t been met?

    Reply

  34. You are absolutely correct Jamie. You are highly unlikely to get validation, much less any of your other legitimate emotional needs, from a person who is lacking in empathy, feels only self-pity when they’ve harmed others, and who is singularly self-focused. You can’t get blood from a stone and you can’t get love from a narcissist.

    To be clear, having not met your partner I have no idea whether they’re a narcissist or not… but do you? You deserve to know, so that you can make healthy decisions for yourself one way or another. You might consider checking out a recent podcast, “When To Call it Quits in a Relationship” that outlines ways to know whether or not growth and change is possible, and how to know when it’s not.

    If you determine that this is not going to change (as evidenced by his continued inability to take responsibility, not blame you, and lack of empathy for your needs, rights and feelings), it’s time to stop being mad at him for consistently not being different, and instead, accept the reality that he is who and what he is.

    If, in the cold light of day, what this has to offer is not in alignment with what you need and deserve (like, you know, fidelity, honesty, commitment and emotional safety, to name just a few) then you’ll be free to put your time and energy into finding someone who is able to show you the love, respect, empathy and yes, validation you have every right to expect.

    Wishing you all the best Jamie….

    xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

    Reply

  35. What if your partner says you’re “emotionally invalidating” them when you don’t do what they want? If she says “you’re spending too much time at work, take this afternoon off”, then you say “sorry I’ve got a vitally important meeting this afternoon” and she says you’re invalidating her?

    There’s a distinction in theory between validating someone and agreeing with them (or agreeing to do what they want) but in practice in relationships they’re often conflated. How do you make someone feel validated while saying no to them? That isn’t easy.

    Reply

  36. Oliver, you bring up such a good point and I totally agree. Validating someone’s feelings is absolutely not the same thing as doing whatever they want you to do. I think I’m hearing that your partner is seeking to know that you care about her, and that you understand her feelings, and that her feelings and preferences are important to you. If you’re communicating that to her with your words and deeds most of the time, and yet she’s still getting really upset with you when you have to set boundaries with her and ask for her to understand YOUR needs, rights and feelings, this is indicating that there might be a deeper issue going on here.

    Have you tried talking with her about how you feel? If that feels hard to do (or if your attempts at communication elicit upsetness in her and disintegrate into an unproductive conflict) that could be a sign that you’d both benefit from connecting with a good relationship coach or relationship counselor who can help you get to the bottom of what’s going on here.

    I am completely speculating here given that I know nothing about you, your partner, or your relationship, and from my experience, it may be that she needs some assistance in managing her anxiety and seeing things from your perspective. You might also have opportunities to learn communication strategies that help her feel loved and cared for by you even when you have to set limits with her.

    But you deserve to be validated and respected in this relationship too Oliver — a healthy relationship cannot be all one-way!

    Wishing you all the best,
    Dr. Lisa

    Reply

  37. Dr. Lisa,

    One of the hardest challenges that come from accidentally invalidating my partner, is that he has told me I deserve to hurt and face consequences because I clearly meant to cause harm. I’ve been reduced to the point of breaking over cooking pizza at 400 degrees like the recipe says rather than 450 like he says in passing by while I cook, because I’m acting like a child that doesn’t want to listen to his advice. Doing or saying the wrong thing can at worst cost weeks of the silent treatment, or at best ridicule.

    It’s been difficult to talk about my own needs and boundaries. It’s difficult to get a word in, actually. Most of the things that I think or do or feel have been directly invalidated.

    I found Growing Self one day when I was feeling small and my therapist was telling me to use “I” statements (which despite her reassurance and reading through what I wrote out to say ended very badly). Your podcast of the name “Sorry’s Not Good Enough: How To Repair Trust in Your Relationship” got me out of some hard times, and out of some expensive therapy that seemed to be taking me several steps backward in conflict resolution.

    I’ve always journaled, and some of your articles and podcasts have done quite a bit to progress me on my self-help journey. Thank you, Dr. Lisa, for all of your good work, it means a lot to me. I hope working on my own end of things in the relationship can do some good, and if nothing else I like me so I’ll always have that.

    Reply

  39. Thank you! I’m so glad to know this was helpful to you Jes. Thanks for stopping by! — LMB

    Reply

  40. Amber, I’m so glad to know that these ideas and the other resources you’ve found on GrowingSelf.com have been helpful to you. Have you subscribed to the podcast? I ask because we’re planning some new episodes around Boundaries in Relationships, Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships, and more. I think you would benefit from listening to them. Glad to be your partner in growth Amber, even if just from a distance! xo, Dr. Lisa

    Reply

  41. I just broke up with my partner for these reasons. We did therapy and tried to learn how to validate and acknowledge feelings. Lately I felt that every time I talked to him about my feelings, he’d
    A) argue with me about my feelings
    B) feel upset my my feelings and therefore not validate my feelings because he had feelings as that needed to be validated as well and some how mine got buried.
    C) focus on something I said and only that one thing and ignore everything else I said that pointed to the big picture of my feelings. He’d argue the logic of my statements and why that didn’t match my feelings or why what I said triggered him.
    D) He’d just say sorry you feel that way and say that was validation (or id have to explain until I was blue I’m the face because he couldn’t understand my feelings)

    He had the most trouble when he felt that validation meant admitting blame. I tried to explain to him that it didn’t meant that, it meant expressing and understanding of the other person’s perspective.

    I finally just couldn’t handle the anxiety and guilt. I felt that I couldn’t share my feelings for fear it would upset him. It often took a lot of explanation to get him to understand them and then he would be okay, but it was torture for me.

    He’s still a really great person and he only wants the best for the world and me, but our feelings just triggered more feelings and we could never sort them out.

    Does validation sometime mean having to put your own feelings aside for the moment (I’d the problem has to do with something that happened between each other)?

    Reply

  42. Thanks for this . It’s really opened my eyes .
    Me and my partner often spiral into a place where one of us disconnects and the other responds by withdrawal . Which leads to sulking and lack of understanding both ends. At this point we both feel the other should make the moves to fix. I came here to understand why he withdraws and how I can act which doesn’t cause me to seem like I’m sulking . What I’ve realised Is we are both totally invalidating each other’s feelings and both feeling and reacting to that .

    Reply

  43. I’ve got another one- an explain it/rationalize invalidator.

    They: “my friend was mean to me at lunch”.

    Me: “isn’t it possible it’s because they had a bad morning?”

    This one is hard for me. I mean, what there is a really good rationale explanation about “yeah because you were a total jerk to them last week”

    Reply

  44. That’s a good one! I have to watch myself or it’s easy for me to do that too. I need to remind myself about the big picture of the conversation and what my role is in it: to support my friend and strengthen my relationship with them, not offer advice or perspective that they didn’t ask for. (Especially if it might make them feel judged or invalidated).

    Emotional safety helps you be there and ask questions like, “Oh no, what’s going on there? Did something happen between the two of you at lunch or is there more to the story?” That just opens the door for a deeper conversation, and may also give your friend a chance to reflect on the larger context, and potentially their role in it.

    But it’s also okay if they don’t — you’re their friend, not their therapist. 😉 (I have to remind myself of that too, when not “on duty!) wishing you all the best, and thanks for your thoughtful comment. LMB

    Reply

  45. Thank you so much for sharing. I’m sorry you went through all this. Unfortunately, the biggest “silent killer” of relationships is exactly this: feeling invalidated and also disconnected, and like you can’t be authentic.

    Your question is a big one, about how to find the balance of being emotionally safe while still emotionally connected. You’re describing trying to get your emotional needs met by someone who experienced validating you as feeling really threatening. You’re saying that you had to hide your true self to maintain stability in the relationship, and that never ends well either.

    So in there cases there is not an “advice” kind of answer to improve this. The path forward is to work really hard in therapy or coaching, assuming that there is motivation to take responsibility for the way of being that your partner is feeling so hurt by, and do some serious reflection on where that came from and what needs to change, and why it feels so hard to do that. Not easy, and not fast.

    It is also 100% acceptable to not want to do that level of growth work with someone you don’t fully trust, or who you don’t believe has the capacity to go there. That allows you to be available for a new relationship with someone less fragile, who is able to connect with you emotionally without your having to fight so hard for it. You did that! I hope that you find that, and I also hope that your Ex takes all this on board and invests in some personal growth with that would allow him to be a better partner next time.

    Thank you for your thoughtful comment, and your great question. LMB

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  46. How about time-frame invalidation? “That happened so long ago, why are you letting it bother you?” “We talked about that last week, you should be over it by now.” “You shouldn’t still be hung up over things from your childhood.”
    “That is in the past, let it go.”
    I have been invalidated when my feelings are discounted because the event that upset me is not currently happening.

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  47. This is by far the best article I’ve read on validation in relationships. I’m always looking for info to send to my other half when he (once again) invalidates me and we (once again) fall out. It only adds to the hurt and shutting down of emotions, when they refuse to address the issue despite you raising it multiple times! The last time I tried to discuss it, I was met with “oh here we go, the effing validation conversation again… it’s so boring”. I mean where does one go with that?! It’s like banging your head against a brick wall.

    This article is my last hope I think, as I can’t waste anymore years of my life feeling so dismissed and so closed off to the person I live with. It’s like a form of torture to live without validation for someone who is highly empathetic. 🙁

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  48. I’m so glad this was helpful to you. Consider listening to the companion podcast with him next time you’re in the car! It shares some of the same info, but also additional perspective, and hopefully in a light-ish way that will not elicit defensiveness. I do hope you two can continue working through this issue together. Emotional invalidation is truly the “silent killer” of relationships. Have you considered couples counseling? Wishing you both all the best. LMB

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  49. I am kinda going through this now. We had a situation the other night where we had a big fight and I went into the bathroom and started crying hysterically. A couple of days later, my fiance was mocking the way I cried. Later that day I told her it was hurtful when she mocked the way I cried and she responded with ” I don’t need more problems, please” and then accused me of also wanting to cause problems.

    I am hoping we can start therapy together soon and resolve some of these issues, because I love her very much.

    Thank you for the article.

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  50. I totally agree.
    Just started a kind of relationship witj someone I already knew. Long story short…i had a Very stressful day at work (I’m an RN) and needed to vent, i spoke with him, I was upset but not loud, telling him how this and that..and how frustrated I was. When he suddenly started making “snoring” noises, as if to say he was so bored I was putting him to sleep. Well, we are still acquaintances
    Lol
    I did call him on it, I told him next time he ranted about his truck driving miles and isolated places he had to stay in, I too will fall asleep. And that was that.

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  52. This is a great article, doubt my wife will read it if I send it to her.

    But it helps reflect on how I feel since I struggle with expressing my emotions and explaining how I feel.

    I intuitively know it, but trying to explain it to others I just shut down.

    With that said, it’s not about validating how I feel but quite frankly what you said. “Understanding”.

    Freedom on the inside comes when validation from the outside no longer matters.

    But by invalidating me you are basically saying you don’t care about me and that you don’t understand.

    Emotional Invalidation can cause Self-Efficacy problems in the one being abused.

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  53. Extraordinary… I knew just enough about how I was feeling to type out the words “emotional invalidation” into Google. But I couldn’t imagine that a 1 hour podcast could explain my feelings to the depth that they have. Listening to this has given me strength and a deeper understanding about how to work forward in improving my relationship. It’s also helped me feel deeply emotionally validated, knowing that so many others have experienced it too.

    Thank you so much.

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  54. Evan, thank you for your comment. I’m so glad to know that this was helpful for you. With gratitude, LMB

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  55. Agreed! It’s really all about feeling understood and accepted — that’s what helps us all truly feel cared for. Thanks for joining the conversation Rahseed. LMB

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  56. That’s a good point Ann. We all continue to feel bothered by things until we are able to create meaning and emotional closure for ourselves, and many times that requires having the opportunity to talk through it. When someone’s invalidating responses to us close the door and prevent us from feeling able to talk about things, our feelings persist. Being told to “get over it” essentially creates the very situation that prevents us from *actually* being able to get over it. So ironic, right? Thank you for sharing this important perspective Ann! xoxo, LMB

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  57. So my husband feels that when I tell him how I feel (which I admit can be accusatory a lot of the time) it’s invalidating his feelings that I shouldn’t feel that way because he did x,y,z. How do I go about validating his feelings while also getting my feelings validated? For example, I recently felt like I was not appreciated because I felt he wasn’t attentive during a phone call. I told him this and he believes that I shouldn’t feel that way because he does so many other things to show me I’m appreciated (which he does) and feels invalidated when I express to him that I don’t feel that way. How do we go about resolving each other’s feelings?

    Reply

  58. When I started into this read it was the star the key I see it that’s what it’s happening to me. By the time I got to the end of it I was doing a lot of apologizing and I mean it. I could have just ruined a 20-year relationship hopefully together we can restore it.
    I love you , Denise.

    Reply

  59. Hannah, thanks for sharing your experience. This kind of “gridlock” you’re describing is exactly the type of thing that brings couples into marriage counseling or relationship coaching. When both people are feeling unheard and invalidated, as it sounds like you two are, it’s very difficult to get out of this negative loop without the support of a competent couples counselor who can help you stop the dynamic and shift back into a place of understanding.

    I appreciate the fact that you’re looking for advice and your question “how do we go about resolving each other’s feelings” is valid. But the answer is not informational — it’s experiential. It will require a growth process that occurs over time. My advice to you is to get connected to a qualified couples counselor who can help you begin unpeeling this onion, and shift the cycle.

    Note that I said “qualified” couples counselor – 95% of therapists who offer couples counseling do not have specialized training or experience in marriage and family and it makes a huge difference in outcomes. So please look for an MFT (marriage and family therapist) who uses evidence-based practices.

    I will also add that with the support of a qualified, competent expert, the type of dynamic you’re describing is very resolvable and couples often come out the other side stronger and happier than ever before. But don’t mess around — without intervention this type of thing can also erode trust and goodwill to the point where it’s not fixable and I’d hate for that to happen to you two. These things are like a cancer diagnosis; early and swift action often makes the difference between happy vs tragic outcomes. Hope that advice helps you both find your way through this. LMB

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  60. Hello. This is the best source of information I have found in the topic of invalidation. Married 25 years and still trying to work on our marriage so that we both hear each other. But what if your partner exhibits narcissistic tendencies? When I withdraw or become silent after the invalidation or hurt he says I’m depressed and that the reason for all our problems. I love him but I can’t get through to him. I’m staying married because we have a daughter with mental issues and if we divorce I know she won’t handle it well. We have separated 3 times already. I have become anxious and lonely. Please talk about what people in my situation can do. You do amazing work. Thank you for helping people like this.

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  61. Hi Dr, my boyfriend tends to get very worked up when I’m upset by something and then disrupts me when I try to express myself. It makes it really hard for me to express myself to him. I find it hard to approach him about this and I do not want us getting into another argument just because I try and express how I feel. He has a very busy and stressful life and I’m worried if I bring up something it can add additional pressure to him. How do I approach him in the right way without getting into a fight?

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  62. By the 12 minute mark I had to pause because I was sobbing. Finally having my experience described so accurately felt like a relief. Every time I try to describe these feelings I come across as belligerent or attacking. Having this resource describe it so lovingly from both standpoints makes me feel like maybe hope doesn’t have to be lost. I look forward to listening to more!
    Thank you

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  63. I love this I just left a relationship that the man was not able to respond to my emotional needs. I would love to learn more because I want to have an emotional intimate relationship with a man. I wish there was an actual group
    That we could share.

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  64. Wow that was a great response. I was attached to hoping this man would change. It was the hoping I was stuck on rather than seeing the reality that what he had to offer did not meet my needs. Coming from
    a family that feelings were not honored, it was a familiar pattern for me. That kept me feeling disappointed.

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  65. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your perspective. It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of work on yourself, and have been developing new insights into your patterns. That is fantastic, and I’m so glad to know that this post was a small stepping stone on your journey of growth. Yours sincerely, Dr. Lisa

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  67. Hello, this sounds very difficult. It can be not only frustrating, but incredibly hurtful to not be able to express yourself or find safe haven with your partner. In healthy relationships, we feel safe to be open and know we will find empathy and compassion in return. It’s very conscientious of you to consider how you might be contributing to your relationship dynamic. Too often, we skip this part! You may want to listen to “How to Have Difficult Conversations” or meet with a coach to practice some de-escalating communication tools. If you work on your side of the communication street and things don’t improve, know that it isn’t your fault and you have a right to set boundaries, be heard, and be spoken to with respect. You might find “Signs of a Healthy Relationship” and “Boundaries in Relationships” helpful, too. All the best, Dr. Lisa

    Reply

  68. Devin, I’m happy to know it was informative and validating! That’s my hope when I create these episodes. And you’re right, it’s not healthy for you to jump to conclusions (though I understand why you would). Sometimes our partner can invalidate us without even realizing what they’re doing. And, sometimes, it’s a symptom of a larger disconnect between us. A couples counselor can help shed light on this for both of you, support you in communicating differently, and help you finally get unstuck from this cycle – or get clarity on what can be done and where to go from here. Thank you for reaching out and sharing! Kindly, Lisa

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  69. Pattie, I’m glad it was helpful for you! Invalidation, blaming and labeling can happen in relationships, even ones without “narcissistic tendencies,” unfortunately. And they can kill a relationship, destroying our bond. They hurt. Of course you feel anxious and lonely. You might want to listen to this episode, “Married to a Narcissist?” The term narcissistic or narcissistic tendencies is used in a lot of loose ways these days; there’s the personality disorder and then there is a set of behaviors in which someone is abusive. On the other hand, any ordinary couple can get stuck in a toxic, demand/withdraw dynamic when Gottman’s four horsemen have been present for some time (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). Have you met with a couple’s counselor? He or she could help you identify exactly what you’re dealing with here, what could possibly be done to help, and if couples counseling is right for you. Warmly, Dr. Lisa

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  70. I’m a bit late to the party.
    I definitely think I’m the same kind as you are, I put so much effort into being actively involved in his hobbies and interests at the beginning of our relationship, that he kind of took advantage of it. He has never taken any interest into my hobbies other than to mock them. “Uggg, I hate knitting.” So eventually I just gave up purposefully being enthusiastic about ANYTHING he talks to me about. I just kinda react the way I genuinely feel, interested, or not, but to him that seems like I’m purposefully withholding my elation.

    I am curious what category you’d place him in though. The main symptoms of his invalidation are, 1) ignore me when I initially approach him. Like, I haven’t spoken. 2) when I get more annoyed and bluntly say something like, “you know it makes me anxious when you play a video game when we have to be somewhere and I have to get all of the kids ready by myself” His response is “I just got off the game, this is so typically you, you get mad after I do the right thing!” 3) he often reacts to my communication of my hurt feelings like I’m attacking him. I’ll say something like “It really offends me when you say/do things like that.” Typical retorts: “I didn’t say/do anything wrong.” “THAT’S not what I meant.” “You misunderstood what I said.” “That’s not offensive.” “You’re accusing me instead of taking responsibility for your own emotions.” “You lash out about relatively small things daily, so I can’t trust your feedback.”

    Reply

    1. Hi, I’m so sorry you are experiencing this with your partner. It sounds like there is a little bit of almost all of the types of invalidation mentioned in the episode in what you’re experiencing. We can sometimes have good intentions, such as helping our partner feel better, but inadvertently invalidate. And then there are times invalidation is part of a larger pattern and can become toxic. If we see invalidation in combination with John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Communication (stonewalling, defensiveness…), or other toxic behaviors such as the silent treatment or punishment, we’re dealing with a relationship dynamic that can erode our connection and our self-esteem. Have you seen a couples counselor with your partner and gotten the insight and guidance of an expert? He or she could offer so much more than I can here, on a comment thread. I really encourage you to reach out and get that support and help gaining clarity around these patterns in your communication, whether with a couples or individual counselor. If you have questions or want to know more first, I hope you read some of our counseling FAQ‘s! Warmest regards, Dr. Lisa

      Reply

  72. Thank you so much again Lisa for such an excellent podcast! I learnt so much about myself and that I invalidate my wife so much of the time, in those small micro moments as you call them. What you also though emphasise, which I found so helpful, is that most of the time I don’t do this intentionally, and often I’m even trying to help! But then this explains my defensive when she says I’m not listening, or that I’m being dismissive, because I felt as if I was trying to help!! Of course, I’m actually making things worse!! And then we have a row!! The other thing I’m starting to get too is that I’m so grateful she is assertive enough to say these things! I have said this to her a few times but I’m starting to understand more deeply that this characteristic of hers is SO important to our relationship. It can feel hard work for sure, but I can see that it is really worth the aggravation as it will open the possibility of us getting closer. There’s so much else I could say about the value of your podcast, about your humility, about the importance of being gentle and compassionate to yourself as well as to your partner, about how relationships can tragically die through many largely unintentional hurts or cuts, about how changing yourself is a process not a one off happening, and that this the only thing we have control over (because we can’t control other people) etc etc. Thank you so much for your great work.

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  73. Thank you for writing this blog. It helped me to really understand what invalidation looks like and the vastly different ways we invalidate others. I can see ways in which I have invalidated my husband and ways in which has invalidated me.

    I’m interested in learning how to discern if the invalidation is intentional.
    Here are a couple of examples —

    Ex 1 – I was a SAHM for many years. At some point my husband just stopped helping with things like prepping for the cleaners or getting up early with the kids. In his words he “empathized with me for many years,” but at some point he turned his “empathy meter” off because he saw the reason I needed help was because I was taking on more than I could handle in other areas (ie working in the classroom), doing things that he didn’t think were necessary (ie taking my kids to birthday parties), focusing my effort on things he didn’t deem necessary (ie cleaning the toilet weekly). Bottom line is if I was spending my time doing things he saw as “optional,” he didn’t feel a need to support me. I don’t think his empathy meter was ever really at play. I see it more as some sort of silent intentional invalidation. But…. maybe it’s not invalidation either? He did recognize that I was overwhelmed but opted not to help when he thought the overwhelm was my own fault.

    Another example w/ this same situation – when I ask him how he was okay just not helping me he will say “I didn’t think it was necessary to have the house cleaned” (which NEVER came up when the house was being cleaned) and if I say, but you helped me for a long time before stopping he will reply with “yea, but I never thought it was necessary, you did. I’m fine not to clean the toilet every week.”

    Lastly, recently he’s taken to calling me controlling and telling me I’m abusive. This started after a day when I told him I thought he was emotionally abusive. He told our therapist, “I don’t want to be abusive, so I looked up what it meant to be abusive and I think she’s the actual abuser.” And now the focus has been on me instead of him. Hmmmm. Anyways, I’ve asked him to stop telling me I’m an abuser. When I hear him say that I’m an abuser I feel absolutely terrible and it has alot of weight to it. I’m open to changing but the things he references as abuse are things like the one time five years ago I yelled at him at a party to get our dogs – they were barking. I realized immediately how it came across and apologized but the damage was done. Bottom line is I’ve asked him not to call me an abuser so cavaleikrly and he refuses. He tells me I am controlling and I am abusive and he is NOT going to stop calling me that. Again, I’m not the controlling abuser one would think of – he has total freedom, I never tell him who to see or not see, what to do or when to do it, how to spend money, nothing…. I’m pretty chill. Do I tell him to watch the kids when they are near the pool? Yea. I would do that because he’d stick his nose in a book. That is technically “controlling,” but come on….

    Reply

    1. Nicole, thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I can understand how this would be so frustrating!! Honestly, in reading this, what I’m hearing is not about lack of “validation skills” but a genuine lack of understanding in your perspective. It sounds like you are really struggling to wrap your head around where he might be coming from too. There is a growing chasm: you on one side, he on the other, and both of you (apparently) feeling misunderstood and disregarded to the point of being victimized by the other.

      Negative communication cycles, which I’m sure you’re talking about with your marriage counselor, are often part of the problem here. When people are getting aggressive in efforts to have their perspective heard, or shutting down and refusing to talk / listen, it’s basically impossible to have the kinds of authentic and vulnerable conversations that generate understanding. (Exhibit A: While it’s absolutely true that abusive relationships are real and need to be called out, it’s also true that labeling someone as “abusive” or “narcissistic” is a very effective way of shutting down communication and essentially refusing to hear anything they have to say.) I don’t know what’s happening in your situation, maybe you are abusive and communicate in emotionally unsafe ways — please do dig into this with your therapist, and make communication priority #1.

      Because without communication you can’t have understanding, and understanding / empathy / respect for the other person’s point of view is the key ingredient of emotional validation.

      SO: This is a pretty dire situation and is not going to be fixed with “tips” or “strategies” from a blog or podcast. This is going to require some serious self reflection and personal growth work on both sides, and repairing this will be a process measured in months, at least. Here is a “communication that connects” collection I made for you to support your growth, but please do not substitute this for working intensively with a good counselor. Blogs and podcasts are passive, they’re information. They will not help you crack into your blindspots, hold you accountable, make you consider tough questions, or actively challenge you to grow: A good counselor will.

      I am very glad to know that you are working with a counselor. I will ask (in the spirit of big-sisterly advice) is the therapist you are seeing a marriage counselor? An actual licensed marriage and family therapist? I am asking this because most people have no idea that the vast majority of therapists offering couples counseling are NOT, and it has a huge difference in outcomes. Truly. Please read this article I put together for you, “How to Find a (Good) Marriage Counselor” and think about whether or not the therapist you’re entrusting to save your marriage is the right person to be attempting this work with. Additionally, please read “Evidence Based Practice” to learn more about the core ingredients of effective growth work, and make sure you’re getting it.

      Many couples in this dynamic have one shot at turning things around, and who you work with really matters a lot in terms of outcomes. You have kids, there’s a lot on the line, so please invest in the best help possible. I hope that the info I shared with you helps you make informed decisions, and find your way back together again.

      Wishing you both all the best,
      Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

      Reply

  74. Thank you for this podcast, it made me feel less hurt hearing it. I’m (we are) so used to keeping my feelings about relationship inside myself or within my relationship (not sharing with friends or family) that you start to confuse reality. For me, my partner and I work together so we are literally always together. We’ve been together 12+ years, and the first part worked with me taking control on a lot of things. Over time due to relocation my partner wants to set new roots and I became comfortable with work and hobbies that I didn’t need those roots as much. We constantly invalidate each others feelings and it causes shouting matches. I try to be more aware of this and not do that and now it seems that my partner is the one shouting, but my facial expressions are not positive and my partner knows my facial expressions too well and then we can never have productive conversations, usually we talk until we tire and then that pushes it under the rug until next time. It’s a battle and I think you are right that we need to spend time with our emotions and not try to distract away from them, maybe in doing that we can learn more about ourselves.

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  75. Thank you for this. I have a question about how to approach my partner when she says her feelings are valid, but her accusations are not. I find that I have no right of reply – she can accuse me anything (including cheating) but if I deny it, then I’m also invalidating her feelings. That’s an extreme example but it has happened.
    More common ones are that she doesn’t like how I’ve decorated my house, so if don’t do it the way she wants then I’m not validating her feelings. If I don’t clean “the way she wants” (I am clean, but I also am not bothered by things being left in the dishwasher for two days in my own home) and I suggest that I’m not doing anything wrong, then I’m invalidating her feelings. If guess I feel like it’s only her feelings that need to be validated. I’m actually a little bit worried that it’s a control tactic. But it doesn’t matter what I’m responding to, she makes me feel like the bad person when I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to have my own opinions and ideas about my own life as well!
    I hope you can see through me seeming defensive. Something just feels off – I’m usually accused of invalidating her feelings when it’s actually none of her business. We don’t live together and because of this probably never will (my choice now as much as hers.)

    Reply

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