You Can’t Change People… But People Can Change

Set Boundaries that Support Their Growth (and Yours)

When we overdo it, we often enter “enabling” territory—taking on the consequences of their actions instead of letting them experience them firsthand. While it’s so tempting to shield our loved ones, enabling often stands in the way of their growth and self-responsibility.

So, let’s talk about boundaries! Healthy boundaries protect your emotional well-being while allowing others the space to face natural consequences. Boundaries aren’t just helpful for you; they’re often the most compassionate way to support a loved one in their growth. For example, instead of saying, “You need to stop doing the thing,” you could say, “I can’t be around when the thing happens.” You’re communicating what’s healthy for you, while making space for them to take responsibility.

Setting boundaries isn’t about punishment; it’s about saying, “Here’s what I can handle and what I can’t.” A good rule of thumb: boundaries are always about managing your own behavior, not controlling someone else’s.

Action Steps for Loving Detachment

So, what does all of this mean for you? Here are some steps to help you help them—without driving yourself crazy:

1. Focus on what you can control. Work on cultivating your own happiness, health, and peace of mind.

2. Learn to “lean back” emotionally. If they’re not open to change, giving them space can actually inspire that intrinsic motivation over time. People often need space to come to their own conclusions.

3. Support without enabling. Set boundaries that are compassionate but firm, helping you stay close to them in a way that’s also healthy for you.

Ready for More?

Want a tool to share with your loved one going through a rough patch? Check out my free What’s Holding You Back? Quiz. Share it with them so they can uncover their hidden obstacles, subconscious blocks, and personal strengths in order to move forward fearlessly. 

They can also book a free consultation call with me or one of my team members to talk about coaching or therapy options that can support them in their journey.

And hey—if this advice hit home, I’d love for you to connect with me on Instagram or YouTube where I go live every Thursday. Bring your questions or just pop in to say hi!

Xoxo,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. Know someone else who’s struggling to help a loved one? Share this article with them—it might be just what they need right now. 💫

Resources:

Fishbach, A., & Woolley, K. (2022). The structure of intrinsic motivation. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 9(1), 339-363.

Lickel, B., Kushlev, K., Savalei, V., Matta, S., & Schmader, T. (2014). Shame and the motivation to change the self. Emotion, 14(6), 1049.

DiClemente, C. C., Schlundt, D., & Gemmell, L. (2004). Readiness and stages of change in addiction treatment. American journal on addictions, 13(2), 103-119.