SAD ABOUT BEING SINGLE? Many people are bravely putting themselves out there, but feeling discouraged that they’ll ever find “the one.” On top of the normal frustrations of dating, there’s a hidden emotional complexity here: They feel sad about being single. Like, really sad. They watch coupled people longingly, and may even find it difficult to be around couple-friends.
This experience adds a layer of anxiety and stress to dating. When you often feel down about your single-ness, it’s hard to put on a brave face and be the sparkly, fun-loving person you feel like you need to be to attract a new person. A listener wrote in sharing that she was feeling so triggered by her couple-friends, and so DONE with doing things alone that she felt herself withdrawing from many things. She asked, “How do you cope with intense feelings of sadness about being single?”
I addressed this question in-depth on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. (Hint: The punchline is NOT about how to be happy alone — just the opposite!)
Here’s another great question about dating:
WONDERING WHEN YOU’RE READY TO START DATING AFTER DIVORCE? Another listener wrote in asking about how to know if it was okay to be dating another recently divorced person, or if you were rushing into things too soon? On the podcast, I talked him through some of the pros and cons to consider to help him decide if his dating was a positive thing for him… or potentially interfering with his process of growing and healing after divorce.
On the podcast I shared some insights for all of the positive parts of starting a new relationship after divorce, as well as what kinds of personal growth work may potentially be blocked by jumping into a relationship too soon after divorce, and what kinds of personal blind spots (if unaddressed) may lead to a less successful new relationship going forward.
Yet another listener asked:
WHEN SHOUL YOU TELL THE KIDS ABOUT A NEW RELATIONSHIP? Modern dating can be complicated enough, but if you’re dating as a single parent there are many more things to consider than how you feel about someone new. A listener of the podcast wrote in, describing a situation of dating a woman for quite some time. Both of them are single parents, but he’s becoming increasingly concerned and frustrated that she is still refusing to tell her children that they’re dating.
On the podcast I talked about a few of the things that might be going on behind the scenes for her (and that all parents who are dating should be aware of, frankly) to point out some possible reasons she may not be comfortable telling the kids about this new relationship. I also touched upon some ways that he might communicate about this subject without starting a fight, and that will help him determine if this is a relationship he’d like to pursue. (Or whether or not he’s with a person who is, in fact, not emotionally available for a relationship right now).
I’ve also heard from a number of listeners lately struggling with this question:
HOW DO I TRUST SOMEONE NEW AFTER BEING CHEATED ON? If you’ve been hurt or betrayed in a past relationship, it can be very hard to even want to date again, much less trust again. I talked through what the process of healing after betrayal looks like, in order to give you a roadmap of some of the personal growth work to do before dating again so that you are dating from a place of strength and self-awareness.
Secondly, I also addressed the process of how you can feel safe after betrayal, particularly when it comes to dating new people after you’ve been cheated on in the past. Part of it has do do with cultivating confidence in your own judgment, and understanding some of the warning signs that you’re getting involved with someone who is likely to cheat on you or betray you in the future.
All that, and even MORE of your dating questions on this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Thanks for listening!
xoxo,
PS: Do YOU have questions for me about dating, or anything else related to your journey towards Love, Happiness and Success? I’d love to hear them, and just might answer them on an upcoming episode of the podcast, or in a new blog article or IGTV video. You can ask YOUR questions either in the comments below (I read every single one!) or by submitting your question through this secure online form. All the best, LMB
PSS: At least for the next few weeks, I’m going to be recording new episodes of the podcast LIVE on Instagram so that I can answer listener questions in real-time. I hope you join me! @drlisamariebobby, every Monday at 12pm Mountain. Hope to see you there!
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Oct 14, 2019
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Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your life? Like you have so much to do and you’re always busy, but also like you’re not actually getting things done? This is incredibly stressful, and yet so many people are struggling with it: Especially conscientious, hardworking and responsible types. Many of my life coaching clients meet this description, yet here’s a a surprising thing: Ironically, even though they are the ones who are often viewed by others as being the MOST competent and productive, many secretly feel on the inside like they are failing.
In our life coaching sessions I hear words like, “spiraling,” “drowning,” and “completely overwhelmed.” These amazing people are pushing themselves to exhaustion, feeling mentally and emotionally depleted, and continuing to heap more and more on themselves. Because it is not literally possible to do it all, they feel like they’re dropping balls in every direction. Their anxiety builds, their stress levels spike, and they start to feel out of control.
How about you? Can you relate?
This is SUCH a common experience, especially for slightly perfectionistic superstars. If this is a familiar feeling for you too, you’ve probably also tried the standard advice for getting it together: Making lists! Scheduling things! Organizing your home differently! Decluttering!
So why do you still feel crazed?
It’s because the issue is not actually about what you’re doing, and it never was. It’s about how you’re thinking and feeling about what you’re doing. Once you learn how to manage your thoughts and feelings differently, stress fades, calm control comes back, and things get done.
While this sounds easy, the struggle to do a hard reset on your approach to life and so that you can feel calm, centered, in control and genuinely productive is a real one. As a therapist, life coach (and human being who struggles with the same things) I’ve learned over the years that the path to real and lasting change is not about the latest productivity hack or organizational system, but rather a personal growth process that puts you back in contact with your authentic self — and then changes the relationship that you have with yourself. (Really!)
At the start of our work together, my hard-driving clients often have not yet come to terms with the fact that they are actually mortals like the rest of us, and that there are limits to what they can do. They are trying to do it all, often comparing themselves to others, and feeling like they’re doing nothing well. Things sometimes do start slipping though the cracks. People work faster, harder and more. They try new systems. But the harder they work, the less they get done.
Hardcore perfectionists hate hearing this, but it’s my duty as a therapist and life coach who is devoted to your wellbeing to say this anyway. The answer is not figuring out some “hack” to stuff more stuff into less time, or clone yourself: It’s about learning how to approach life (and yourself) in a more intentional, compassionate, reality-based, and mindful way.
Or not, and slide into the predictable consequences.
Sometimes, if you don’t catch yourself soon enough, and keep pushing and working and going, you can develop a full-fledged case of burnout. Think about it this way: If overwhelm is the waterslide burnout is the pool that you land into at the end of the ride. If you don’t make a change — a real, lasting change that attends to the core issues of chronic stress and overwhelm — burnout is the final destination.
Real, clinical burnout is an experience akin to depression: People feel apathetic, they have no motivation, and feel exhausted even thinking about tackling the “to dos.” Then things start piling up for real, and the process of digging out needs to happen on every level: Physically, mentally, emotionally, AND in terms of all of the stuff that still needs to get done.
It takes a long time to bounce back from burnout. Better not to go there at all, honestly. By listening to what your emotional guidance system is telling you and taking your feelings of overwhelm and stress seriously, you can get back on track before you slide into burnout.
“Okay Lisa,” you’re probably thinking, “Sure, sounds good. But how exactly do you propose that I do everything I need to do (so much!) and also stay balanced, calm and healthy?”
I’m here for you: Because so many people struggle with this, I’ve devoted a whole podcast episode to sharing my top tips for how to understand WHY you feel overwhelmed (knowledge is power) and then walking it back into a state of calm, focused control. Join me on this episode, to learn about:
All for YOU, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
PS: I mentioned a number of resources in this program. Here are some links:
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE: How well do you understand other people? How well do you understand yourself? Do you know how to handle emotionally sensitive moments? Do you manage your feelings in appropriate, healthy ways when you’re feeling stressed or upset? Is it easy for you to connect with others? Do you frequently find yourself in conflict with others? Or do you sometimes have experiences with people that surprise or frustrate you?
All of the above are emotional intelligence questions. What is emotional intelligence? It’s the ability to be self-aware about what you’re feeling, manage your emotions in a healthy way, and have empathy and sensitivity for how other people are feeling… and THEN use all of that information, with intention, in your interactions with others.
Our culture can gloss right over feelings, or minimize their significance when it comes to personal and professional success. But research into emotional intelligence by Daniel Goldman (and echoed by the Harvard School of Business, no less) shows that it accounts for over 90% of the difference in what leads to success or failure in a wide variety of professional endeavors. Emotional intelligence has also been found to be among the most significant predictors of job performance.
But more importantly, emotional intelligence (or the lack thereof) can absolutely make or break your personal relationships.
Emotional intelligence skills are critically important: People who are lower in emotional intelligence will experience frustration and disconnection in their relationships, will feel less motivated and optimistic, and will also generally struggle to get ahead at work — even if they’re incredibly talented.
As critical as emotional intelligence skills are, it can be very difficult to determine how your own EI skills rate. Emotional intelligence is one of those things where you don’t know what you don’t know. It can be very difficult to assess yourself for emotional intelligence. Most people (according to some research, over 95%) believe that they are self-aware and emotionally attuned to others… when they actually struggle significantly in this area. In fact, many people have very little insight into how others are experiencing them.
Signs of deficits in emotional intelligence generally show up as negative results in your relationships, how you feel, and / or your career.
Because emotional intelligence skills really are that important, I decided to devote an entire episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast to helping you understand emotional intelligence and how to improve emotional intelligence. In order to make this as meaningful and genuinely helpful as possible, I recruited two of my colleagues: Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT, and Linda Pounds, M.A., LMFT, both of whom specialize in emotional intelligence assessment and emotional intelligence coaching.
Together, we discussed:
If you are curious to learn more about your own emotional intelligence, and get some tips for how to increase it (or are in a personal or professional relationship with someone who could benefit from learning more) there is so. much. here. We hope that all this information about emotional intelligence and how to develop it supports you and those you care for on your journey of growth!
All the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, Linda Pounds, M.A., LMFT, and Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT
Music Credits: John Ball, “I Feel It”
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Linda Pounds, M.A, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage/Family Therapist (LMFT) and Certified Emotional Intelligence Leadership Coach at Growing Self. She works with individuals and couples who face the challenge of merging their work lives with personal lives and the impact each has on the other. Her work with leaders and leadership teams includes Emotional Intelligence (EI) Coaching and assessments, leading to a positive impact on individuals and organizations.
THE RELATIONSHIP SPECIALIST | Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT specializes in helping her clients create happy, healthy, joyful relationships — both personally and professionally. She’s an expert marriage counselor, emotional intelligence coach, premarital counselor, and dating coach.
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Are you unknowingly making the biggest relationship mistakes? I often speak, write and podcast about all the positive, effective ways that you can improve your relationship. I talk about communication skills, developing empathy, how to work together as a team, ways to get on the same page with regards to parenting, and all the things that couples can do to create a strong, satisfying relationship and a lifetime of love.
So, today… I’m mixing it up. I decided to put together a very straightforward list of what NOT to do if you want to have a great relationship. In fact I decided to discuss the twelve biggest relationship mistakes you can make in hopes of helping you avoid the biggest relationship pitfalls.
While this is a tongue-in-cheek bit of satire (mostly) I’m also shining a light on the relationship-ruining behaviors that we can all engage in. (We all do them sometimes, myself included). However, self-awareness and personal responsibility are some of the most important relationship skills that any of us have at our disposal, and I do hope that this exploration helps you (and possibly your partner) gain understanding about the things you might be doing to inadvertently damage your relationship.
While I did outline some of the biggest relationship mistakes you can make…. my natural inclination to positivity prevailed. I went back through the list of relationship-damaging behaviors and discussed their positive relationship corollaries.
I hope that this very honest discussion helps you create the strong, happy relationship you want and deserve.
All the best,
PS: Have you taken my “How Healthy is Your Relationship” Quiz yet? I mentioned it on the podcast as a resource to help you take a snapshot of how your relationship is currently doing in all the areas I described. Take the relationship quiz here.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
So many of our career coaching clients come to us because they feel stuck. S T U C K.
Sometimes they’re stuck in paralysis from not knowing which career move to make. Some (many, actually) of our clients feel stuck in a career that they don’t really enjoy, but that is stable and fairly well-paying. They want to make a change but don’t know how to pivot in their career without creating chaos in their lives.
Still other of our career coaching clients are feeling stuck in work-related circumstances, like being in a toxic work environment or having difficult relationships with co-workers. They don’t necessarily want to quit their job, but they need to make a change.
Can you relate? Feeling stuck with regards to your career can feel very stressful. Having clarity and direction about your next move is huge. On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m speaking with my colleague, career development coach Teena Evert.
She and I met over tea to talk about new ways of thinking and the types of questions to ask yourself that will help you get unstuck, and create a career that’s in alignment with who you are.
One of the things Teena and I discussed is how common it is for people to fear making a “mistake” with regards to their career. This type of Success-or-Failure thinking can create additional stress and pressure on your career decisions, and contribute to career-related paralysis. Teena has some great perspective to help you find valuable, meaningful life and work-related experience in all of your efforts, and avoid falling into failure mindset — and cultivate a growth mindset instead.
So often, working professionals launch careers that they develop for years… only to find out that what they’re doing for a living is not truly congruent with who they are. Sometimes, people start careers out of what’s available, or what’s stable, or what’s expected of them rather than through a thoughtful self-discovery process. Over the years, as they become more aware of who they are and what they’re really about, making career changes are an important part of their personal growth.
Teena has some great advice to help you consider who you are at the most fundamental level, and how to use self-awareness as the key tool to creating a career in alignment with your core self.
Another thing we discussed was some of the ongoing personal growth work that everyone needs to do as their careers develop. As your position of responsibility grows, it becomes necessary to step up your game on every level. Learning how to be more productive and organized, increasing your emotional intelligence skills, figuring out how to create effective relationships (even with difficult coworkers), figuring out how to get ahead at work, and learning how to lead are all part of the ongoing personal growth process that a genuinely satisfying career involves.
Teena shares some great tips for how to continue to develop yourself both personally and professionally, so that you continue to operate at the fullest level of your potential as your life and career evolves.
While we do spend a lot of time in our professional roles, a truly meaningful and satisfying career needs to fit in with your entire life. Teena shares her perspective around how to create a healthy work / life balance, how to manage your job so that it doesn’t create issues in your relationships, and how to consider your professional success as just one aspect of your entire life creation.
Teena is also a master in creating a sustainable life: She talks about some of the stress management skills about boundary-setting skills that she shares with her career coaching and life coaching clients, to help them stay in a good place physically, mentally and emotionally — even when they have a lot going on.
Pour your self your own cup of tea and join Teena and I as we discuss how to create a career that is in alignment with your authentic self, how to break through career-related paralysis, and how to manage the anxiety that starts to bubble up when you think about making big changes in your life.
Have you submitted a career-related question for the podcast lately? I took this opportunity to ask Teena some of your career questions, so be sure to listen and hear her answers!
Your partners in growth,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby + Teena Evert, M.A., LMFT, LAC, CDC
PS: If YOU have questions for the blog or podcast, I’m listening! Submit your question in the comments, or though this confidential form. xoxo, LMB
Music Credits: Brick Fields, “Gotta Sing Your Song”
Teena Evert is a life and a career coach who specializes in helping her clients get clarity in their careers — and within themselves — so that they can create lives, relationships and careers that are authentically joyful and congruent with their highest and best. If you’re looking to feel happier, less stressed, and succeed at the highest level of your potential (both personally and professionally) Teena can help.
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DECLUTTER YOUR LIFE: Do you ever feel oppressed by all the stuff you’re hanging on to? Is it hard to get organized, and stay organized? Do you feel like your life is crammed full of obligations, relationships, things — even a career — that no longer fits the person you’ve grown into?
Intentionally getting clear about who you are NOW, and where you want to go with your life can help you cut through all the clutter and develop an environment and a lifestyle that feels satisfying and congruent with the best parts of you.
Releasing things that no longer fit the person you’ve grown into helps you on so many levels. Not only is it much easier to get (and stay!) organized when you have fewer things in your life; the act of purging can help you re-evaluate what is most important to you and get increased clarity about your values. [More: How to Find Your Purpose in Life]
Every time you intentionally release something from your life, you are essentially asking yourself, “Is this object / relationship / commitment congruent with the person I am growing into?” If the answer is no, it gives you the confidence to let go of it, and consciously make space for what you DO want in your life.
This is the perfect time of year to get organized and declutter. The back-to-school season naturally brings an energy of newness and regeneration. However, “declutter paralysis” is also a thing that can prevent you from decluttering your home. Many people feel genuinely overwhelmed at the prospect of decluttering their homes, and their lives. Part of this may be due to the actual work involved in going through everything, but often, decluttering feels so stressful because of the emotional attachments we have to objects and circumstances.
The trick to intentional decluttering is not actually hauling out all the stuff and sorting it into keep or release boxes. The key to decluttering and getting organized is internal: Sorting through your values, core beliefs and emotional attachments must come first. Then, the actual purging part is much easier because you know what to do.
True, meaningful decluttering goes much deeper than just cleaning out a closet. Decluttering, and maintaining a values-based lifestyle is an exercise in personal clarity and evolution. To help YOU along your journey of renewal and growth I’ve invited decluttering expert Olivia Heine to join me on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
If you’re looking for some decluttering inspiration, you’ll definitely want to listen to this episode. We’re discussing:
So much good stuff to share with you. Olivia and I hope this discussion helps YOU get clear about who you are, what you want…. and what it’s time to release!
All the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby & Olivia Heine (@declutteredintentions)
Music Credits: Josh Woodward, “Release”
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
