How to Recover From a Breakup
How to Recover from a Breakup and Heal Your Broken Heart
It’s a bit embarrassing for me to say this as a marriage counselor, but I know a lot about how to recover after a breakup. In fact, I’ve worked with many people as a breakup recovery coach as they walked through the anguish of rejection and loss. I’ve walked alongside countless clients in breakup therapy as they manage anxiety, depression, coping with the breakup pain, and obsessions that always come after a cherished relationship is severed. I’ve even started a breakup recovery program and wrote a book on how to recover from a breakup.
I know what you’re thinking: “She must be the WORST marriage counselor ever.” But the truth is: that while many relationships can be mended if both people are willing to try – if one person is simply done, the best marriage counselor can’t help that couple get back together. In these situations, the best a marriage counselor can do is provide comfort, support, and guidance to the person who is left sitting on the therapy couch, alone. And that is exactly what I’ve done for many, many people over the years.
How to Recover from a Breakup When It’s Difficult to Get Over Your Ex
Now, I’m something of an expert on the subject of how to recover from a breakup. On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast, I’ll be sharing with you what I’ve learned about why it’s so hard to get over your Ex, why most people feel like they are going crazy after their relationship ends, and simple things that you can do to help yourself recover from a breakup.
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How to Recover From a Breakup
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Episode Highlights: How to Recover from a Breakup
- Feeling Devastated After a Breakup
- Almost everybody has had a breakup, and it is normal to cry and be sad about it.
- Relationships are addictive. In evolution, there is a need for humans to bond.
- Neurological and hormonal systems become activated when we fall in love.
- How to Recover from a Breakup: Three Stages of the Love Process
- The first stage is lust. It is the first attractor that can pull people together and potentially turn into romantic love.
- The second stage is romantic love. This activates the same part of the brain that is associated with cocaine addiction. With this association, we can still get “addicted” to the wrong person.
- The third stage is attachment. This is analogous to opiate addiction. With this association, going through a breakup is like going through withdrawal.
- The Protest and Despair Phase after Breakups
- Humans need strong, secure attachments throughout their lives.
- Protest response to breakups is trying frantically to reconnect with your ex even if you are aware that your actions are not logical.
- If the attempt to reconnect fails, the protest phase starts to fade into the despair phase, which makes people feel very down with themselves.
- How to Help Yourself During a Protest or Despair Phase
- If you really want to get over the breakup, the first thing you can do to help yourself is to stop or reduce any contact that you have with your ex.
- Like all addictions, relationship addiction is characterized by denial.
- Consider getting some social support that could understand what you are going through.
- Rushing moving on will not only be unhelpful, but it could also contribute to loneliness.
- You have to understand that going through a breakup and losing an important relationship is a trauma. So be very gentle with yourself, and expect yourself to be not okay for a while.
Divorce and Breakup Recovery Resources
Divorce & Breakup Advice
Get more free breakup and divorce recovery advice in our extensive library of articles and podcasts on the subject. Visit the Healing After Heartbreak Collection on our blog to access them all.
Discernment Counseling
If you or your partner are considering separation, discernment counseling can help you both gain clarity around whether or not there is hope for your relationship. Learn about discernment counseling.
When to Call It Quits
Is there still hope for your relationship, or is it best to part ways? Learn the signs that growth and healing are possible, vs. signs it’s time to call it quits in a relationship.
Amicable Divorce
Amicable divorce prioritizes the mental and emotional wellness of everyone involved and creates the foundation for a healthy co-parenting partnership. Learn how to achieve an amicable divorce.
Breakup Therapy & Divorce Counseling
Time alone does not heal. Effective, informed, evidence-based breakup therapy and divorce counseling help you heal, grow, and move forward into emotional freedom.
The Stages of a Breakup
Withdrawal, grieving, growing, rebuilding: Understanding the stages of recovery are vital to your healing process after a divorce. Learn about the stages of breakup recovery…
How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity
Learn why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship, and the things you can do to empower and support yourself in your journey to emotional empowerment.
Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex
Can you ever stop loving someone? Want to know how to get over an ex? Learn how to stop thinking about someone so you can move on.
Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?
Profoundly unhealthy relationships can be the hardest to get over. Find out if you’re addicted to a toxic relationship.
Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love
Why is it so hard to let go, even when you know you should? In her award-winning “Exaholics” book, Dr. Lisa explains why, and illuminates the path forward towards emotional liberation, growth, and recovery.
Online Breakup and Divorce Support Group
You’re not alone. Heal your heart in our positive, affirming online breakup and divorce support group, led by an experienced divorce and breakup recovery counselor.
Heal Your Broken Heart: Breakup Recovery Program
In this self-paced online breakup recovery program Dr. Lisa helps you work through the stages of healing from heartbreak, through empowering personal growth activities.
How Much Does Therapy Cost?
Good therapy is a priceless investment in your growth and healing, but not all therapy is valuable. Learn about the cost of therapy that moves you forward.
Stop a Divorce
The threat of divorce can actually be a turning point for a marriage if you understand how to use it as an opportunity to foster healing. In this podcast, learn how to stop a divorce.
Start Breakup Therapy or Divorce Counseling
If you’d like to work with a Growing Self divorce / breakup recovery expert, the first step is to have a free consultation meeting.
More Questions? Let’s Talk.
If you have questions about our services or would like support in connecting with one of our experts, we’re here for you by phone, email or chat. Get in touch, anytime.
My husband had an afiafr in 2002 with our sons sister in law. And now she will not leave us alone.?I chose my marriage over leaving him.I have tried many times to forget what happened. I was putting in many hours at work. Put my job before my husband and Yes I blame myself as much as I do anyone. Our daughter in law told her sister so many lies about me to her sister. And she even sent my husband an invitation to her and my sons wedding as long as he DID NOT Bring my fat ass and that was how it was worded on the invitation. So in the long run it caused a big fight and I was kicked out I was gone 2000 miles away I went to Virginia from Arkansas because that was the only place I had to go. But the funny was the day after the Wedding he borrowed money from his mother and brought me home. I can NOT stomach this woman. She has caused all sorts of trouble in my life and in my marriage. She has the hots for my husband just as her older sister does. She treats my husband like Shit these days. If we go to my sons house She goes in the other room and ignores us. Or turns up the TV so we almost have to scream to be heard. But yet I am expected to watch her kids for FREE. And now I am being made to watch her sisters kids. I have told them repeatedly that Her sister is NOT allowed at my house but they bring her everytime they come. Just to cause trouble. Her sister is a leech. She follows my husband around like a dog in heat. But everyone asks WHY I don’t like Misty, I asked them if they have about a week for me to tell them the reasons behind me not liking her. She bought booze for my son when he was 14, took him parking with her sister when he was 15, gave them rubbers when he was 16 and he got her sister pregnant, Quit Schooll at 18 to get them an apartment. Ruined my marriage because she had an afiafr with my husband knowing he was a married man. Moved in our house with my son and his wife. And expected us to support all of them. Got a Van from us. And refuses to register it in her name. And has a 7 year old that she abuses that my husband is the father of.But blames her on a drug addict she was seeing after she was with my husband. But she was with my husband of and on from August of 2001 until October of 2003. And the kid was born June 24th 2004. But she was not with the Druggy until December of 2003.Those are just a few reasons. Is there someway I can keep this woman from being able to come to my home and stay out of my life. She just keeps causing trouble. It is real hard to move past the mistakes in the past when I face it everyday of my life. I have her kids 3 days a week and I have my grrandkids Monday through Friday. Even when we lived in another town my daughter in law would bring her to our house with them. I have told our daughter in law that they can come But her sister is NOT wanted. And I refuse to watch the kids but it was either watch them or them make my son Quit his Job and him watch them. Or them all 8 move back in on us in our House. We have done to above and it does not work. Restrianing order does not work because this woman lives with my son and daughter in law. She drives a Van that is registered in my name.Our son is the one who told me who his dad was messing with. And came and told me. His dad kept denying it. Even after I ended up on several meds because of her being so nasty. She walked in and he wanted to know why she was there and she told him I knew everything. He got mad. And called her all sorts of stuff. I have told her, Our son and his wife that she or her kids are NOT Welcome at our house. But every time they come over she has to come with them. My husband has told her Right in Front of me what happened WAS WRONG and he wants to work on our Marriage and Does NOT want her But her haed is Hollow she does not get it. And refuses to listen.
Erivaldo… wow. The pain, heartbreak and helplessness you have been feeling simply pour out of this story. I am sorry that such terrible things have happened in your family. I’m afraid that there are so many layers of betrayal, emotional blackmail, and trauma in this situation that any “advice” I would have for you in this context would only add to your frustration. My very best advice to you is this: get very, very serious about your own self-care, and seek the support of a good family therapist in your area. Not for your family: For you. You need support, compassion, and a relationship that is a “safe harbor” from all the chaos in your family, as well as professional guidance on what to do next.
If you would like advice on how to connect with a good therapist in your area, check out my “Is it time to get help?” podcast. I’d also like to give you free access to my Happiness Class, which will teach you how to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. It won’t change your circumstances, but it will help you cope. Email me through my website and I’ll send you a coupon code so you can take it for free. All my best, Lisa Marie Bobby
My husband had an afiafr in 2002 with our sons sister in law. And now she will not leave us alone.?I chose my marriage over leaving him.I have tried many times to forget what happened. I was putting in many hours at work. Put my job before my husband and Yes I blame myself as much as I do anyone. Our daughter in law told her sister so many lies about me to her sister. And she even sent my husband an invitation to her and my sons wedding as long as he DID NOT Bring my fat ass and that was how it was worded on the invitation. So in the long run it caused a big fight and I was kicked out I was gone 2000 miles away I went to Virginia from Arkansas because that was the only place I had to go. But the funny was the day after the Wedding he borrowed money from his mother and brought me home. I can NOT stomach this woman. She has caused all sorts of trouble in my life and in my marriage. She has the hots for my husband just as her older sister does. She treats my husband like Shit these days. If we go to my sons house She goes in the other room and ignores us. Or turns up the TV so we almost have to scream to be heard. But yet I am expected to watch her kids for FREE. And now I am being made to watch her sisters kids. I have told them repeatedly that Her sister is NOT allowed at my house but they bring her everytime they come. Just to cause trouble. Her sister is a leech. She follows my husband around like a dog in heat. But everyone asks WHY I don’t like Misty, I asked them if they have about a week for me to tell them the reasons behind me not liking her. She bought booze for my son when he was 14, took him parking with her sister when he was 15, gave them rubbers when he was 16 and he got her sister pregnant, Quit Schooll at 18 to get them an apartment. Ruined my marriage because she had an afiafr with my husband knowing he was a married man. Moved in our house with my son and his wife. And expected us to support all of them. Got a Van from us. And refuses to register it in her name. And has a 7 year old that she abuses that my husband is the father of.But blames her on a drug addict she was seeing after she was with my husband. But she was with my husband of and on from August of 2001 until October of 2003. And the kid was born June 24th 2004. But she was not with the Druggy until December of 2003.Those are just a few reasons. Is there someway I can keep this woman from being able to come to my home and stay out of my life. She just keeps causing trouble. It is real hard to move past the mistakes in the past when I face it everyday of my life. I have her kids 3 days a week and I have my grrandkids Monday through Friday. Even when we lived in another town my daughter in law would bring her to our house with them. I have told our daughter in law that they can come But her sister is NOT wanted. And I refuse to watch the kids but it was either watch them or them make my son Quit his Job and him watch them. Or them all 8 move back in on us in our House. We have done to above and it does not work. Restrianing order does not work because this woman lives with my son and daughter in law. She drives a Van that is registered in my name.Our son is the one who told me who his dad was messing with. And came and told me. His dad kept denying it. Even after I ended up on several meds because of her being so nasty. She walked in and he wanted to know why she was there and she told him I knew everything. He got mad. And called her all sorts of stuff. I have told her, Our son and his wife that she or her kids are NOT Welcome at our house. But every time they come over she has to come with them. My husband has told her Right in Front of me what happened WAS WRONG and he wants to work on our Marriage and Does NOT want her But her haed is Hollow she does not get it. And refuses to listen.
Erivaldo… wow. The pain, heartbreak and helplessness you have been feeling simply pour out of this story. I am sorry that such terrible things have happened in your family. I’m afraid that there are so many layers of betrayal, emotional blackmail, and trauma in this situation that any “advice” I would have for you in this context would only add to your frustration. My very best advice to you is this: get very, very serious about your own self-care, and seek the support of a good family therapist in your area. Not for your family: For you. You need support, compassion, and a relationship that is a “safe harbor” from all the chaos in your family, as well as professional guidance on what to do next.
If you would like advice on how to connect with a good therapist in your area, check out my “Is it time to get help?” podcast. I’d also like to give you free access to my Happiness Class, which will teach you how to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. It won’t change your circumstances, but it will help you cope. Email me through my website and I’ll send you a coupon code so you can take it for free. All my best, Lisa Marie Bobby
I just broke up with my ex. I know this makes me the bad guy. She was someone I loved very much, but also someone very controlling and by the end, I felt suffocated by the feelings of having to lie about where I was going and what I was doing, so she wouldn’t get mad. But I feel, still, absolutely awful that I will have hurt her deeply – because I know she was only trying to control things so that this would not happen.
We cannot be together. We just aren’t compatible. I’m far too much of a free spirit (in the sense of needing my independence – I have never been interested in anyone else; I may never date again.) But how do I deal with the guilt? She is contacting me daily, begging me to take her back. But I just can’t. There is too much that has happened; too many examples of where I have lost myself trying to please her – and it never worked anyway. Her anger when i disappointed her was both irrational and intense. I wasn’t even allowed to decorate my own place the way I wanted, or dress how I wanted. But I feel wretched because I have hurt her by leaving.
Thanks for your comment, Kit. It’s hard to be dumped, but in some ways, breaking up with someone you love is even more difficult. I’m sorry you were in a position where you needed to make that choice. It sounds like there were some very real problems in the relationship that you weren’t able to solve, including intense anger directed at you and a controlling dynamic. None of that is healthy, and it makes sense that you need to end things. Still, it’s not an easy choice to make and it’s totally normal to second guess yourself.
I recorded a podcast that speaks to your situation that I think you might find helpful: why your breakup was a good thing
xoxo, Dr. Lisa