Dealing With Heartache? Get Your Questions About Breakups Answered.

Why do I feel ashamed that I’m still not over it?

There’s this weird expectation we put on ourselves that says: Okay, it’s been a few weeks/months/whatever — I should be over it by now. And if you’re not, you start wondering, What’s wrong with me?

Let me say this as clearly as possible: There is nothing wrong with you.

Healing heartache isn’t a linear process. It depends on so many things — the depth of attachment, how the breakup happened, what you’re telling yourself about it, and how much support you have.

Also, if you were blindsided by a breakup that makes recovery way harder. Why? Because your mind doesn’t just have to process grief. It has to make sense of a reality that doesn’t match your expectations. And that kind of cognitive dissonance is exhausting.

If you feel like you’re “behind” on your healing? You’re not. You’re exactly where you need to be. Be patient with your heartache. It’s doing its job.

I see my ex all the time — what can I do?

Ugh. This one is the emotional equivalent of getting stuck in a hot air balloon… floating over a battlefield while people throw rocks at you. Whether it’s because you work together, share a social circle, or (heaven help you) they’re dating someone in your friend group — you can’t escape the constant reminders.

Breaking up is hard enough. If you’re trapped in an environment that’s constantly retraumatizing you, it’s critical that you find ways to reclaim your power after the breakup. This situation calls for what I lovingly refer to as your breakup playbook: clear boundaries, emotional triage, and sometimes, strategic avoidance (a.k.a. taking a different stairwell). 

You may not be able to leave your job today, but you do have options. Can you change teams? Work remotely a couple days a week? Rearrange your schedule to avoid overlap?

You can also start by consciously reframing your role as the chooser in your life. Yes, it sucks. But you are not powerless. Even if you choose to stay in this environment (for now), make it a conscious choice. Reframe your mindset from “I have to endure this” to “I’m choosing this for now — and I’m actively making plans to change it.” That mindset shift alone can restore a sense of empowerment.

And also? Lean hard on your support system. You cannot white-knuckle this alone. This is when breakup coaching or a healing community like our Heartbreak Recovery Collective can make all the difference.

You might also consider taking a look at this piece about leaving a toxic relationship. It’s not just about cutting ties—it’s about cutting emotional cords.

“Why do I feel like my ex ‘won’ the breakup?”

Ah, yes. The comparison trap.

They’re out there living their best life, dating someone new, going to the gym, taking vacations… meanwhile, you’re over here crying in sweatpants and questioning your worth.

But here’s what you don’t see: their highlight reel is not their healing process. And moving on quickly doesn’t mean they’re healthy — it usually means they’re avoiding.

You’re actually doing the brave thing. You’re feeling your feelings. You’re doing the hard, messy, uncomfortable work of grieving the breakup, reflecting, and growing. That means you’re not just going to “get over it” — you’re going to come through this wiser, stronger, and more self-aware than ever before.

So let them “win” the superficial race. You’re running a marathon toward authentic wholeness.

How Do I Actually Move On From This?

This is the big one, right? Breakups shake us to our core. They leave us questioning not just the relationship, but our own worth, our judgment, and our future.

But here’s the most important thing you need to know: You are not stuck. There is a way forward from this pain. And it starts with understanding where you are in the healing process—and what you need next.

👉 Take My Free Heartbreak Recovery Quiz: How Over Your Ex Are You?
It’s more than just a quiz. It’s a mirror held up with compassion. This quick, insightful tool helps you identify exactly what stage of healing you’re in and offers clear guidance on what your next step needs to be.

However, sometimes what we really need most is a real conversation. A place to say the unsayable. To unpack the confusion, the longing, the guilt, or even the hope that maybe it’s not really over. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or just need a supportive, judgment-free space to talk, we’re here for you.

👉 You can schedule a free consultation with a compassionate, expert member of our Growing Self team—someone who specializes in breakup recovery. This isn’t just talk therapy. This is strategic, emotionally intelligent coaching that helps you move through the pain and into your power.

Whether you’re barely holding it together or starting to imagine life on the other side of this, talking to someone who understands can make all the difference. You don’t have to keep navigating this alone. You can get the support you deserve, right now.

No matter what brought you here today—whether you’re mourning what was, questioning what could’ve been, or trying to find solid ground after the emotional earthquake of a breakup—know this: You’re not broken. You’re becoming. And we’re here to walk with you every step of the way.

Xoxo
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. If someone you care about is going through a heartbreak right now, send them this article. Sometimes, hearing they’re not alone is the best gift you can give.

Resources:

Mikulincer, M., & Erev, I. (1991). Attachment style and the structure of romantic love. British Journal of Social Psychology, 30(4), 273-291. https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.2044-8309.1991.tb00946.x

Robson Jr, J. P., & Troutman-Jordan, M. (2014). A concept analysis of cognitive reframing. Journal of Theory Construction & Testing, 18(2). https://www.academia.edu/download/49265035/A_Concept_Analysis_of_Cognitive_Reframing.pdf

Rhoades, G. K., Kamp Dush, C. M., Atkins, D. C., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Breaking up is hard to do: the impact of unmarried relationship dissolution on mental health and life satisfaction. Journal of family psychology, 25(3), 366. https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2011-08238-001.html