Should You Have Sex With Your Ex?

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Should You Have Sex with Your Ex

AHey friend. If you’re toying with the idea of having sex with your ex, I want you to pause and take a deep breath. You’re not alone — and you’re definitely not crazy, but it is something we need to talk about before the pain from your heartbreak causes you more heartache.

As a breakup therapist, I’ve had many clients over the years ask me if it’s okay to have sex with ex partners. And the truth is, there’s way more to that question than just the physical. Because when you’re considering rekindling things in the bedroom, what you’re usually craving is connection, comfort, clarity… or even a tiny sliver of hope. 

In this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast, I dove deep into all the emotional, psychological, and yes, spiritual layers of this oh-so-common scenario. I also talk about what you can do instead to heal your heartbreak and get over the breakup.

Why You’re Really Considering Sex With Your Ex

It usually isn’t just about the hookup.

Maybe you’re still living together. Maybe it’s been months and the attraction hasn’t gone anywhere. Maybe you see them on Instagram, looking all fine and flirty, and you wonder if they’re missing you too. Or maybe, like so many people I hear from, you’re just desperate for a moment of emotional relief — and being close to them feels like the only way to breathe again.

Why “Ex Sex” Happens

It would be so much easier for people if, when a relationship ended, it came to a full stop and everyone got out of the car and went their separate ways. That is not what happens though. Very often, couples continue to coast along for months after the engine stops turning. Sometimes years. They hook up, hang out, and sometimes even cohabitate, all while officially broken up.

Let’s face it: even after you break up or divorce, your Ex still feels like your person even though you know in your head the relationship is over. Everything about them is familiar, and it can be very easy to fall back into old patterns… or fall into bed.

In the aftermath of a breakup, many people continue on with their Ex in quasi-relationship “situationships.” Living with their Ex, having sex with an Ex, being friends with an Ex, or texting back and forth with an Ex are all common.

I get it. Sex with ex partners can feel like the tiniest little dose of peace — the only thing that quiets the obsessive thoughts about your ex, even if just for a night. But I’m here to tell you the truth, and it’s this:

Sex with your ex doesn’t heal you. It hooks you.

Just like any other addiction, that “hit” gives temporary comfort while pulling you deeper into pain over time.

The Unequal Power Dynamic

One of the biggest emotional dangers of having sex with your ex is the imbalance of emotional investment. In most cases, one of you is hoping it means something more… and the other? Well, they’re kind of reading People Magazine in the checkout line. Mildly entertained. But not buying it.

I’ve talked to so many clients on both sides of this dynamic. The person who wants to get back together with their ex, and the person who “doesn’t mind keeping things casual.” And it always breaks my heart to see how damaging it is for the person who’s still emotionally attached. They end up feeling used, ashamed, and even more confused.

And I want better for you than that.You can check out my article on detaching from someone you love for more on this.

Healing From Heartbreak Program with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dr. Lisa - Breakup Expert

Haunted by your ex?

How to Heal, Grow, and
Let Go…

Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Them

If you’re stuck in this loop of longing, craving, or obsessing — you’re not broken. You’re human. You’ve literally been chemically and emotionally bonded to this person.

Romantic love is biologically addictive. Your brain doesn’t just “move on” when a relationship ends. It goes into withdrawal. That’s why thinking about your ex, seeing them, or especially sleeping with them, reactivates the attachment — and pulls you further away from healing.

So, if you’re having sex with your ex, or even just texting them constantly, you’re keeping yourself stuck.

And friend? That is not what you deserve.

The Damage It Does to Your Self-Esteem

One of the most painful long-term consequences of having sex with your ex is what it does to your self-esteem.

In the beginning, it might feel like power. Like, “I still have access to them. They still want me.” But when you realize they don’t want more… that they’re fine not texting you the next day, or worse — your ex moved on to someone else — that pain hits a whole new level.

And here’s what I want you to hear:

When someone doesn’t value you, continuing to give them access to your body is an act of self-betrayal.

You’re better than that. You are worth more than breadcrumbs. And you deserve love that doesn’t leave you wondering where you stand. It’s time to focus on rebuilding your self-esteem after a breakup. Not tear yourself down more. 

Close the Door Before It’s Closed For You

If you’re hanging on to your ex in any way — especially physically — I want you to consider something: Close the door before it gets slammed in your face.

Because that’s what often happens. They’ll meet someone new. Or they’ll move out. Or they’ll finally tell you it’s really over — and suddenly, you’re left grieving not just the breakup, but all the ways you betrayed yourself and your own needs to hang on.

But you don’t have to wait for that kind of heartbreak to finally move on. You can choose yourself now. You can say, “Enough. I deserve more.”

And I’ll help you get there.

Where Do You Go From Here?

If you’re wrestling with the question of whether or not to sleep with your ex, it’s not just about sex. It’s about something deeper — longing, confusion, hope, fear, loneliness, and the ache for closure or connection. And if we’re being honest, there’s often a part of us that still craves what was, even when we know it might not be good for us anymore.

Navigating this emotional terrain is hard — especially when your body and brain are giving you mixed messages that make it nearly impossible to see clearly. But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in this loop forever.

If you’re feeling torn between holding on and letting go, the best place to start is with clarity — not just about your ex, but about yourself.

First Step: Take the “How Over Your Ex Are You?” Quiz

You might feel like you should be over it by now… or maybe you’re wondering if your lingering feelings mean you’re supposed to get back together. Either way, my free breakup quiz will help you understand where you are in the healing process — emotionally, mentally, and even biologically.

You’ll get a clear look at what stage of heartbreak you’re actually in (because it’s not always obvious), and what kind of support you need to move forward — whether that means finding peace, cutting cords, or giving yourself the freedom to start fresh. Think of it as your compass out of confusion, and toward emotional freedom.

👉 Take the Breakup Quiz: How Over Your Ex Are You? — and get your next right step.

Second Step: Get Support

You don’t have to figure this all out on your own. If your ex is still in your head (or your bed), if you’re confused about your feelings, or if part of you is secretly hoping they’ll come back… that’s not something to be ashamed of. But it is something you can talk about — with someone who gets it, and who knows how to help.

Our team at Growing Self includes licensed therapists and expert breakup recovery coaches who specialize in helping people like you heal from heartbreak and reclaim their clarity, confidence, and peace.

You can schedule a free consultation to talk through what’s been going on and explore how we can support you — whether you’re ready to move on, trying to decide what’s next, or just need someone to sit with you in the uncertainty.

👉 Schedule Your Free Consultation — and take the next step toward your healing.

No matter what happened between you and your ex, one thing is true: you deserve to feel whole again. You deserve clarity, peace, and the kind of love that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth. And while it might feel messy right now, this moment can be the beginning of something truly powerful — the moment you choose you.

And you can start today. 💛

xoxo
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. If this article helped you, share it with a friend who’s struggling. You never know who’s crying in their car right now, wondering if they should answer a “u up?” text. Send them this love note from me — and from you.

Resources:

Earp, B. D., Wudarczyk, O. A., Foddy, B., & Savulescu, J. (2017). Addicted to love: What is love addiction and when should it be treated?. Philosophy, Psychiatry, & Psychology, 24(1), 77-92. https://muse.jhu.edu/pub/1/article/652207/summary

Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C., & Longmore, M. A. (2013). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of adolescent research, 28(2), 166-188. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0743558412464524

Josephs, L. (2001). The seductive superego: The trauma of self‐betrayal. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 82(4), 701-712. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1516/5H9A-NQ3J-AL3L-9DLP

From Heartbreak to Healing: Your Next Chapter Starts Here

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