How to “Get Over It”
How to “Get Over It” – Getting Over a Divorce You Didn’t Want
Everyone likes to toss around the phrase, “get over it.” If you’ve been going through the pain of a loss, you may desperately want to “get over it,” but how does one actually accomplish such a thing?
I’ve been a therapist in Denver for a long time, and have done my share of grief and divorce counseling. I know that simply hoping to heal a broken heart, anesthetizing yourself with booze, or distracting yourself with busyness does not help you “get over it” — for long, anyway. Unfortunately, the only way out is through the post-divorce stages of grief.
Asking ‘how to get over a breakup’ or ‘how long does it take to get over someone’ will yield a different answer for most people, but none of these questions should ever be minimized.
I also know from my years as a breakup therapist that there are many different kinds of losses that deserve the respect of grieving. Whether you are dealing with a death, or a more subtle, hidden loss like the loss of a cherished relationship, a miscarriage, a pet’s death, a move, the loss of a dream, or the end of an era in your life: you need to grieve. It’s necessary in order to heal and move on.
‘Getting Over It’ Means Grieving
Grief is a complex and often misunderstood process. We often talk about grief like it’s a hurdle to be overcome, but it’s a necessary and natural response that guides us through a transformative journey towards acceptance. When we are experiencing grief, we’re slowly making peace with a reality we can’t change, so that we can continue moving forward even if something truly awful has happened.
Grief provides a space to acknowledge and express a wide range of emotions that accompany loss, like sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief. Rather than suppressing these emotions, healthy grieving encourages you to explore them and accept them, while also recognizing that you will not feel this way forever. This emotional engagement is how you process the impact of the loss on your life, which ultimately allows you to “get over it”.
Creating a New Narrative after Loss
Part of healthy grieving is constructing a new narrative for yourself that integrates the loss. It prompts a reassessment of your identity, values, and relationships, allowing for a redefinition of self in the absence of what or whom is no longer in your life. The process of grappling with the meaning and significance of the loss helps you to wrap your head around the reality of your changed circumstances. Then you can find a way to move forward with a sense of continuity, even in the face of profound change.
Here’s a piece of good news: Creating a new narrative for yourself is an active process that you get to participate in. It’s also totally subjective — there are no “right” or “wrong” ways to make meaning out of the events of your life. You don’t have to accept the first version of the story that you land on either, for example, that your life is ruined because your marriage ended in divorce, or that you’ll never be successful because you lost your job. Your narrative can actually be quite positive and empowering, and it can help you feel better about the situation rather than worse.
This is why you sometimes hear about how people’s lives were transformed in positive ways in the wake of tragedy. Loss is a devastating fact of life, but it can also lead to tremendous growth and renewal.
Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m going to teach you about the step-by-step process of grieving. Listen, and learn how to help yourself “get over it” in a healthy and authentic way.
The only way out is through. Listen now to learn how to “get over it,” and move on to the next chapter of your life.
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How to “Get Over It”
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- Defining Loss and Accepting Grief
- Losses are inevitable.
- We also experience subtle kinds of losses. Grieving these losses allows you to move on.
- Society does not offer the same kind of support for subtle losses.
- Getting less validation for our loss makes it hard for us to acknowledge it and feel like we have the right to grieve it.
- Most of the time, the origin of pain is in grief. At the core, grief is inviting pain and embracing it for a while.
- Acknowledging the Loss
- People tend to minimize their loss or the losses of others. Doing this shuts down the legitimacy of grief.
- These ideas steal your right to be sad when you have the right to be so.
- Acknowledging that you experienced a loss is the first step to healing.
- Saying it out loud makes it real.
- Having a Funeral
- A funeral is a ritual that creates a physical and an emotional container for your loss. It’s a ceremony that makes this loss real and final.
- Only when we cross the line of finality can true grieving begin.
- Put the physical or symbolic things of whatever you’re grieving in a container. Then, write a eulogy on what you appreciated about it.
- Put the container away after your ceremony.
- Once it’s over, you will feel pain. This is the next step in healing.
- Allowing Yourself to Feel Sadness and Mourning
- Allowing yourself to be sad for a while is necessary.
- Feeling pain is grieving.
- Embracing sadness is the quickest way through it.
- Some communities and cultures have a mourning period where it’s accepted that people are not okay after a loss. You can have your own mourning period.
- Bouncing Off the Bottom
- Make meaning of your loss. Reflect and work through what happened honestly.
- Give yourself opportunities to think. Listen to what the voice inside tells you about meaning.
- Once you’ve done this, you’ll connect with what you lost.
- Reclaiming Subtle Losses
- Developing gratitude for what was, appreciate the growth that came from an experience, or reconnect with a person that has disappointed you.
- You get to rebuild after reclaiming your loss.
- Grieving well helps you understand yourself more fully.
- Through this, you build a life that honors your truth.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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