How to “Get Over It”
How to “Get Over It” – Getting Over a Divorce You Didn’t Want
Everyone likes to toss around the phrase, “get over it.” If you’ve been going through the pain of a loss, you may desperately want to “get over it,” but how does one actually accomplish such a thing?
I’ve been a therapist in Denver for a long time, and have done my share of grief and divorce counseling. I know that simply hoping to heal a broken heart, anesthetizing yourself with booze, or distracting yourself with busyness does not help you “get over it” — for long, anyway. Unfortunately, the only way out is through the post-divorce stages of grief.
Asking ‘how to get over a breakup’ or ‘how long does it take to get over someone’ will yield a different answer for most people, but none of these questions should ever be minimized.
I also know from my years as a breakup therapist that there are many different kinds of losses that deserve the respect of grieving. Whether you are dealing with a death, or a more subtle, hidden loss like the loss of a cherished relationship, a miscarriage, a pet’s death, a move, the loss of a dream, or the end of an era in your life: you need to grieve. It’s necessary in order to heal and move on.
‘Getting Over It’ Means Grieving
Grief is a complex and often misunderstood process. We often talk about grief like it’s a hurdle to be overcome, but it’s a necessary and natural response that guides us through a transformative journey towards acceptance. When we are experiencing grief, we’re slowly making peace with a reality we can’t change, so that we can continue moving forward even if something truly awful has happened.
Grief provides a space to acknowledge and express a wide range of emotions that accompany loss, like sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief. Rather than suppressing these emotions, healthy grieving encourages you to explore them and accept them, while also recognizing that you will not feel this way forever. This emotional engagement is how you process the impact of the loss on your life, which ultimately allows you to “get over it”.
Creating a New Narrative after Loss
Part of healthy grieving is constructing a new narrative for yourself that integrates the loss. It prompts a reassessment of your identity, values, and relationships, allowing for a redefinition of self in the absence of what or whom is no longer in your life. The process of grappling with the meaning and significance of the loss helps you to wrap your head around the reality of your changed circumstances. Then you can find a way to move forward with a sense of continuity, even in the face of profound change.
Here’s a piece of good news: Creating a new narrative for yourself is an active process that you get to participate in. It’s also totally subjective — there are no “right” or “wrong” ways to make meaning out of the events of your life. You don’t have to accept the first version of the story that you land on either, for example, that your life is ruined because your marriage ended in divorce, or that you’ll never be successful because you lost your job. Your narrative can actually be quite positive and empowering, and it can help you feel better about the situation rather than worse.
This is why you sometimes hear about how people’s lives were transformed in positive ways in the wake of tragedy. Loss is a devastating fact of life, but it can also lead to tremendous growth and renewal.
Today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m going to teach you about the step-by-step process of grieving. Listen, and learn how to help yourself “get over it” in a healthy and authentic way.
The only way out is through. Listen now to learn how to “get over it,” and move on to the next chapter of your life.
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How to “Get Over It”
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Episode Highlights
- Defining Loss and Accepting Grief
- Losses are inevitable.
- We also experience subtle kinds of losses. Grieving these losses allows you to move on.
- Society does not offer the same kind of support for subtle losses.
- Getting less validation for our loss makes it hard for us to acknowledge it and feel like we have the right to grieve it.
- Most of the time, the origin of pain is in grief. At the core, grief is inviting pain and embracing it for a while.
- Acknowledging the Loss
- People tend to minimize their loss or the losses of others. Doing this shuts down the legitimacy of grief.
- These ideas steal your right to be sad when you have the right to be so.
- Acknowledging that you experienced a loss is the first step to healing.
- Saying it out loud makes it real.
- Having a Funeral
- A funeral is a ritual that creates a physical and an emotional container for your loss. It’s a ceremony that makes this loss real and final.
- Only when we cross the line of finality can true grieving begin.
- Put the physical or symbolic things of whatever you’re grieving in a container. Then, write a eulogy on what you appreciated about it.
- Put the container away after your ceremony.
- Once it’s over, you will feel pain. This is the next step in healing.
- Allowing Yourself to Feel Sadness and Mourning
- Allowing yourself to be sad for a while is necessary.
- Feeling pain is grieving.
- Embracing sadness is the quickest way through it.
- Some communities and cultures have a mourning period where it’s accepted that people are not okay after a loss. You can have your own mourning period.
- Bouncing Off the Bottom
- Make meaning of your loss. Reflect and work through what happened honestly.
- Give yourself opportunities to think. Listen to what the voice inside tells you about meaning.
- Once you’ve done this, you’ll connect with what you lost.
- Reclaiming Subtle Losses
- Developing gratitude for what was, appreciate the growth that came from an experience, or reconnect with a person that has disappointed you.
- Rebuilding
- You get to rebuild after reclaiming your loss.
- Grieving well helps you understand yourself more fully.
- Through this, you build a life that honors your truth.
From Heartbreak to Healing: Your Next Chapter Starts Here
How to Get Over a Breakup — For Good.
There are nine distinct stages of healing after relationship loss. If you miss one, you’ll get stuck. Dr. Lisa’s one-of-a-kind, comprehensive system guides you productively through all, with the support of group coaching and 1:1 sessions. Learn more about How to Heal From Heartbreak →
How Long To Get Over a Breakup? Find Out.
When will you finally get over your breakup, and be emotionally free from your ex? How over your ex are you? What’s your breakup recovery timeline? What do YOU need to do next, in order to move forward? Access Dr. Lisa’s confidential, free Breakup Quiz here, and find out →
Online Breakup and Divorce Support Group
You’re not alone. Heal your heart in our positive, affirming online breakup and divorce support group, with weekly group coaching led by an experienced divorce and breakup recovery counselor, plus 24/7 access to an affirming community of support. Learn more about Dr. Bobby’s Heartbreak Growth Collective →
Get Relationship Clarity Through Discernment Counseling
Should you end this? Or is there still hope for your relationship? Find out, and get the clarity and confidence you need to move forward, through a special (rare) type of couples work designed for this. Learn about discernment counseling →
You’re Not Alone In This: Let Us Help You
We have so many ways to support you during this difficult time including structured programs, group coaching, and 1:1 private sessions. Which path is right for you? Have a free consultation, to discuss your situation, your options, and the best path forward. Schedule Your Free Consultation →
Need Encouragement? Perspective? Guidance? It’s Here: Free Divorce & Breakup Advice
You’re going through a painful time, and Dr. Lisa is here for you. Get her guidance for free, right now in this curated podcast playlist and content collection she put together just for you. Access her Healing From Heartbreak Collection →
Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love
Why is it so hard to let go, even when you know you should? In her award-winning “Exaholics” book, Dr. Lisa explains why, and illuminates the path forward towards emotional liberation, growth, and recovery. Get your copy of Exaholics, right here →
Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex — And How to Break Free
Can you ever stop loving someone? Want to know how to get over an ex? Learn how to stop thinking about someone so you can move on.
What It Really Takes To Get Over Someone: The Stages of a Breakup
Withdrawal, grieving, growing, rebuilding: Understanding the stages of recovery are vital to your healing process after a divorce. Learn about the stages of breakup recovery…
Yes, You Can Create an Amicable Divorce
You’re divorcing, and your biggest fear is what will happen to the kids. How can you make this as okay as possible for them? Learn how to achieve an amicable divorce →
Stop a Divorce
The threat of divorce can actually be a turning point for a marriage if you understand how to use it as an opportunity to foster healing. In this podcast, learn how to stop a divorce →
Why Do You Keep Going Back? Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?
Profoundly unhealthy relationships can be the hardest to get over. Find out if you’re addicted to a toxic relationship.
When to Call It Quits
Is there still hope for your relationship, or is it best to part ways? Learn the signs that growth and healing are possible, vs. signs it’s time to call it quits in a relationship →
How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity
Learn why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship, and the things you can do to empower and support yourself in your journey to emotional empowerment.
Knowing how to work through the process, to face fears and find happiness, is essential in truly moving forward. I’m following this process now and I know that my only job is to follow the clearly defined steps. I’m looking forward to the weightlessness and beauty that will shine through soon. Thank you for sharing this knowledge. It is a gift.
I’m so glad to hear that these ideas were helpful to you. It sounds like you are on an amazing journey, and I hope you find peace as you move through the process of healing.
Such a beautiful & empathetic podcast. It is refreshing to hear someone validate & respect the process of grief. Finding this has been such a gift to me as I’m going through the process at the moment and I need all the help that I can get. Thank you Dr Bobby.
Thank you for listening Kat. I’m glad that this podcast has been helpful to you. LMB
Trying to get through the break up of my 35 year marriage! Husband worked out of town 3 years wouldn’t come back now I know why… devastated. I supported his new job (I helped him get it) in Florida. Only to be stabbed in the heart… I dont know how to get those images out of my mind.
CJ, so sorry. That is a long, long time to be with someone and of course it is going to take time to work through all the pain and feelings here. There is such a thing as “emotional trauma” and it sounds to me, if I read through the lines of your question, that you’re experiencing it. I sincerely hope that you connect with a good therapist or coach who specializes in breakup recovery, so that you have a place to process all of this, heal, and develop a life for yourself post-marriage. (Extra points if you can find one who is knowledgeable in mindfulness skills, as those can really help with the types of intrusive thoughts you’re describing). In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. Lots of walks, baths, journaling, and crying. It will get better….
xo, Lisa
Knowing how to work through the process, to face fears and find happiness, is essential in truly moving forward. I’m following this process now and I know that my only job is to follow the clearly defined steps. I’m looking forward to the weightlessness and beauty that will shine through soon. Thank you for sharing this knowledge. It is a gift.
I’m so glad to hear that these ideas were helpful to you. It sounds like you are on an amazing journey, and I hope you find peace as you move through the process of healing.
Such a beautiful & empathetic podcast. It is refreshing to hear someone validate & respect the process of grief. Finding this has been such a gift to me as I’m going through the process at the moment and I need all the help that I can get. Thank you Dr Bobby.
Thank you for listening Kat. I’m glad that this podcast has been helpful to you. LMB
Trying to get through the break up of my 35 year marriage! Husband worked out of town 3 years wouldn’t come back now I know why… devastated. I supported his new job (I helped him get it) in Florida. Only to be stabbed in the heart… I dont know how to get those images out of my mind.
CJ, so sorry. That is a long, long time to be with someone and of course it is going to take time to work through all the pain and feelings here. There is such a thing as “emotional trauma” and it sounds to me, if I read through the lines of your question, that you’re experiencing it. I sincerely hope that you connect with a good therapist or coach who specializes in breakup recovery, so that you have a place to process all of this, heal, and develop a life for yourself post-marriage. (Extra points if you can find one who is knowledgeable in mindfulness skills, as those can really help with the types of intrusive thoughts you’re describing). In the meantime, please be gentle with yourself. Lots of walks, baths, journaling, and crying. It will get better….
xo, Lisa