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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Have you ever wondered how to make up after a fight with your partner without making things worse? Maybe words were said that you can’t take back. Perhaps doors were slammed or tears were shed. Or instead, there wasn’t a dramatic blow-up at all—just that steady drip of tension that makes everything feel hard.
In those moments, it’s easy to panic and think, What if this means something is really wrong with us? However, happy, lasting couples fight too. They argue, they annoy each other, and sometimes they hurt each other’s feelings. The difference is not that they avoid conflict. Instead, it’s that they know how to repair afterward.
Relationship repair is the hidden superpower of strong couples. And the good news? You can learn how to make up after a fight and practice it, no matter where you’re starting from.
Why Learning How to Make Up After a Fight Matters
One of the biggest myths about relationships is that you should always resolve conflicts right away. Grandma may have meant well with her “never go to bed angry” advice, but neuroscience tells us otherwise.
When you’re in the middle of a heated argument, your body floods with stress hormones. As a result, your brain narrows its focus. In that state, it’s hard to hear, reason, or empathize. Connection with your partner slips out of reach until you calm down.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your relationship is to pause. For example, take a break. Sleep on it if you need to. Let your nervous system calm down so that when you return to the conversation, you’re actually capable of listening and reconnecting.
So yes, go to bed angry if you need to. Tomorrow really can be better.
Step One: Self-Reflection Before Reconnection
The first step in how to make up after a fight is not rushing into the next conversation. Instead, slow down and reflect. What were you actually feeling in the moment? Why did that particular comment or behavior sting so much? Beneath it all, which need, value, or vulnerability was touched?
This isn’t about blaming your partner or rehearsing your case. Rather, it’s about getting clear with yourself first. Journaling, walking, or even talking out loud to yourself can help you connect the dots between your feelings and the deeper why behind them.
Because your partner can’t read your mind, putting feelings into words—calmly and without blame—creates the only real chance for them to understand.
Step Two: Making the First Move
Repair doesn’t have to mean a perfectly polished conversation right away. Sometimes it starts with the simplest gestures:
- “I know last night was rough. Can we talk tomorrow?”
- “I’m still figuring out how I feel, but I don’t want this to sit between us. Can I have a hug?”
- “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I still think what I was trying to say matters, but I wish I’d handled it differently.”
Even small bids for reconnection open the door. They let your partner know: this fight doesn’t define us, and I’m willing to come back to you.
Unlock the Secret to Happier Relationships
I know how hard it can be to feel stuck in conflict. That’s why I created this free 2-part training, Communication that Connects—to help you stop the fights, rebuild your connection, and communicate in a way that brings you closer. Click the link below to take the first step.
Step Three: Setting the Tone for Safety
When you are ready to talk, the way you approach the conversation makes all the difference. For example, start by naming your intention:
- “I know we both had strong feelings. My hope is that we can understand each other better now.”
- “I don’t think we’ll solve this completely, but I do want to hear your perspective.”
Setting the tone lowers defenses. It signals that this won’t be “round two” of the same fight—it’s a new opportunity to come back together.
Most recurring conflicts in relationships aren’t solvable. They come from differences in personality, values, or needs. Although the goal isn’t always resolution, it can always be empathy, understanding, and closeness.
Step Four: Leaning on Your Strengths
Another part of knowing how to make up after a fight is leaning into the strengths that already exist in your relationship. Every couple has unique ways of reconnecting. For some, it’s physical touch. For others, it’s humor, shared rituals, or simply spending time together.
The key is to know what works for you as a couple. Maybe you decompress with a walk. Or perhaps you hug it out after every hard conversation. Sometimes you laugh at the absurdity of the fight once the dust settles. Whatever helps you both soften—use it.
Step Five: Humility and Growth
Repair takes humility. It asks you to stop fixating on what your partner did wrong and notice how you contributed too. None of us handle conflict perfectly. After all, we all bring old habits, moods, and defenses into the ring. Owning your part doesn’t erase your hurt—it simply keeps the door open to connection.
It also requires a growth mindset. You won’t nail it every time. It will feel awkward. Every attempt, though, makes your bond stronger.
Reflect With Me
- When do you notice it’s time to pause instead of pushing through?
- What do you wish your partner understood about your feelings in those moments?
- Which strengths could you both lean on to reconnect after hard conversations?
Next Steps for Support
If this episode hit home, I’ve created some free resources to help you go deeper:
- My How Healthy Is Your Relationship? Quiz gives you a snapshot of your strengths and growth areas as a couple.
- My Free Communication That Connects Masterclass will give you tools to break free from unproductive loops and create conversations that actually bring you closer.
And of course, if you’d like more personalized support, you’re always welcome to schedule a free consultation with me or a member of my team. We’ll connect you with the right expert to help you move forward together.
I’d love to stay connected beyond the podcast. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube, where I share more tools and insights to help you grow together. And if this article sparked a question or an idea you’d like me to explore in the future, I’d love to hear from you—let’s talk!
Fights don’t have to be the beginning of the end. Once you learn how to make up after a fight, they can become turning points that deepen understanding, rebuild trust, and make your love more resilient. Repair is the superpower of happy couples—and it’s one you can practice starting today.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Resources:
Haydon, K. C., Laurenceau, J. P., & Collins, W. A. (2017). The dyadic construction of romantic conflict recovery: Emerging associations with attachment. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(5), 595–605. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000278
Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Sibley, C. G. (2011). Regulating partners in intimate relationships: The costs and benefits of different communication strategies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101(5), 997–1017. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610397055
Williamson, H. C., & Lavner, J. A. (2025). Trust repair in intimate relationships: A systematic review. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 17(1), 24–43. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
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