Couples Communication Strategies For Stressful Times

Takeaways: Do you struggle to communicate with your partner when you’re both under stress? When we’re going through hard times, that’s when we need our partners the most. But couples communication isn’t easy, especially when you’re both feeling pressure. Learning how to communicate with each other when times are hard will make your relationship stronger and help you both feel more connected.

As an experienced couples counselor, online marriage counselor, and therapist who has been doing Denver marriage counseling for many years, I know that couples communication can feel challenging under the best of circumstances.

Couples Communication Can Be Challenging Anyway

Many couples struggle with effective couples communication that helps each person feel heard, cared for, and understood. Couples always come to the table with different communication styles, attachment styles, and ways of relating that can lead to misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. It’s hard to communicate with a withdrawn partner, and it’s also hard to connect with someone who is emotionally flooded.

All married couples and cohabiting couples face these issues, and need to intentionally learn how to practice positive communication strategies in order to achieve the kind of “love your relationship” experience they want to have.

Couples Communication is Harder When You’re Both Stressed

Communication can build your relationship up, or it can tear it apart.

This is true for all couples under the best of circumstances. As we say around here, “Great relationships don’t just happen — they’re grown!” But life is more than “the best of circumstances.” We lose jobs, loved ones, and cherished dreams. We deal with illness and aging. We have financial worries, stress about our careers, and if we’re parents, the pressure of raising children together is never ending.

Life tests every relationship. And couples who don’t learn how to lean on each other, turn toward each other, and support each other, are the couples who don’t make it. They let hard times tear them apart, when they could use their struggles to grow closer together. Effective couples communication is the missing ingredient.

Don’t Let Hard Times Ruin Your Relationship

Going back to my first point: Good communication can feel hard for couples anyway, but when you’re both grappling with enormous amounts of stress it can make positive communication even harder…. And at a time when you both need it the most. 

Communication can build your relationship up, or it can tear it apart. Today’s podcast is all about helping you turn towards each other right now, and it starts with the way you talk to each other.

Couples Communication That Connects

It’s exactly at times like these that you need to be able to turn towards your partner and feel that they care about you, are listening to you, and are an emotionally safe person for you. It’s vital that you feel like your partner understands you, and is responsive to you — showing you that they love you, in the ways that matter the most. The world may be crazy, but as long as you have the love and support of your number one person, it can all seem more manageable. 

Men and Women Handle Stress Differently

However, here’s the rub: stress, predictably, makes it harder for any of us to be the compassionate, patient, unconditionally loving person our partner needs us to be. We all cope with stress in different ways. Sometimes it’s along gender lines with men and women handling stress differently, but these differences can lead to emotional mis-matches and a communication gap between couples. This can lead both partners to feel disconnected from each other at the time they need each other the most. 

Communication Tips For Couples Under Stress

To help you improve your communication during this stressful time, I asked my colleague, online marriage counselor and relationship coach Silas H., MS, MFTC to join me on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast to share his couples counseling communication tips, and some of the communication exercises for couples that he does with his clients. 

Actionable Relationship Advice

Silas was incredibly generous with his relationship advice and his perspective. He is uniquely situated to provide fantastic relationship advice for any couple having communication problems right now, because 1) he’s a man, with great insights into how to understand men and how they deal with stress and 2) Silas is trained in the evidence-based Gottman Method of marriage counseling, which emphasizes couples communication training and positive communication skills for couples.

He discussed:

• How some people (often men) tend to internalize stress and withdraw
• How some people (often women) tend to externalize stress and need to talk
• How this (predictably!) creates a communication gap and emotional mis-match
• How to stop the ensuing pursue/withdraw pattern and start connecting again
• How couples can understand each other so they can be more compassionate with each other
• Exercises that couples can do to improve communication
• How to get on the same page and create agreements and understanding
• Ways of communicating with your partner in tense moments so that you can grow closer as a couple, instead of creating conflict

Communicate To Connect

I was so grateful to Silas for sharing so much really useful information for how to improve your communication when you’re both stressed. Better communication between couples leads to emotional safety and a more secure emotional foundation for both of you, and for your families too. We’re all powerless to change our current harrowing circumstances, but having a safe harbor of support and comfort in your marriage can help you get through this — together. 

I sincerely hope that the excellent, actionable communication tips Silas shared are helpful to both of you right now.

With love, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LP, LMFT, BCC & Silas H., MS, MFTC