Apple Podcasts
Spotify
YouTubeHow to Recover From a Breakup and Heal Your Heart
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
If your appetite is gone, you’re cycling through heartbreak, rage, and “maybe I could text them just once” all in one hour — hi. You’re in the right place. Breakups have a way of turning even the most pulled-together, rational adults into sleep-deprived, playlist-obsessed, emotional detectives. I see you, and I’m here to show you how to recover from a breakup that’s keeping you stuck.
As a breakup therapist, psychologist, and board-certified coach, I have helped thousands of people through this exact storm — and I’ve been through it too. So on this episode of the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast, I’m breaking down the process of breakup recovery and sharing some of the proven techniques that I teach in my comprehensive Heal From Heartbreak program.
So if you’re trying to get over your ex and have a million questions about how to heal your broken heart, pull up a chair. Let’s dig in.
How to Recover From a Breakup
One of the first (and most important) things I want you to know is this: what you’re feeling is normal. You’re not crazy, and you’re definitely not alone.
When a relationship ends — especially if you didn’t want it to — it’s not just a breakup. It’s a full-blown emotional withdrawal. And I mean that literally. Falling in love activates the same parts of your brain as being high on cocaine (true story, science says so).
So when the person you’re attached to disappears, it triggers an actual neurological withdrawal process — with obsessive thoughts, physical pain, mood swings, and everything in between. (Check out my article Getting Over a Breakup: How to Cope with Pain for more on this.)
You can know intellectually that your ex wasn’t right for you… and still feel like you can’t stop thinking about them. Because this isn’t about logic. It’s about limbic system freak-outs and a cascade of dopamine, oxytocin, and grief hormones that your brain has no chill about.
This is why, in the Heal From Heartbreak program, we start with grounding and stabilization. Before we try to “move on,” we honor the fact that your body, your brain, your heart — they’re all going through something real. This stage of healing helps you feel more okay in the middle of the storm, and begins to quiet the chaos in your nervous system so you can start to think clearly again.
Why It Hurts So Much (And What You Can Do About It)
One of the things I say again and again to my clients is that healing from heartbreak is not just emotional. It’s physiological. The way through this pain is not to “get over it” (ugh, I hate that phrase). It’s to move through it.
You have to grieve. You have to cry, get mad, journal, walk, scream into a pillow, or throw paint at a canvas. You have to feel your emotions and process them. And then, continue through the other stages of breakup recovery so you can start to feel like yourself again.
You have to go through the grief to get to the other side. Not around it. Not under it. Through it.
But… and this is a big one… trying to do all of this emotional processing alone? Brutal. Especially when your friends are saying things like, “Just go on Bumble,” or “You deserve better!” (True—but not helpful when you’re still fantasizing about texting your ex at 2 a.m.).
This is exactly why I created the Heal From Heartbreak program. Because I’ve seen—personally and professionally—how easy it is to get stuck in heartbreak. I’ve sat with thousands of people in the wreckage of a breakup ruminating on why the relationship failed. I’ve helped them get up off the floor, wipe their tears, and start building something beautiful out of the rubble.
Healing happens thoroughly (and more quickly!) when you have a guide and a proven step-by-step breakup recovery process to follow. That way you don’t miss a crucial stage of healing (like emotional processing) and find yourself back in the same heartache you were in 3 months ago wondering how the heck you ended up there again.
Still thinking about your ex?
This is Why…
Healing after a relationship loss happens in stages. If you can’t let go, it means that you’ve gotten stuck somewhere in the process. Let’s break you free.
Take this free, two-minute quiz to discover exactly what stage you need to work through, and what to do next in order to heal, grow, and move forward.
From Heartbreak to Healing: Your Next Chapter Starts Here
How to Get Over a Breakup — For Good.
There are nine distinct stages of healing after relationship loss. If you miss one, you’ll get stuck. Dr. Lisa’s one-of-a-kind, comprehensive system guides you productively through all, with the support of group coaching and 1:1 sessions. Learn more about How to Heal From Heartbreak →
How Long To Get Over a Breakup? Find Out.
When will you finally get over your breakup, and be emotionally free from your ex? How over your ex are you? What’s your breakup recovery timeline? What do YOU need to do next, in order to move forward? Access Dr. Lisa’s confidential, free Breakup Quiz here, and find out →
Online Breakup and Divorce Support Group
You’re not alone. Heal your heart in our positive, affirming online breakup and divorce support group, with weekly group coaching led by an experienced divorce and breakup recovery counselor, plus 24/7 access to an affirming community of support. Learn more about Dr. Bobby’s Heartbreak Growth Collective →
Get Relationship Clarity Through Discernment Counseling
Should you end this? Or is there still hope for your relationship? Find out, and get the clarity and confidence you need to move forward, through a special (rare) type of couples work designed for this. Learn about discernment counseling →
You’re Not Alone In This: Let Us Help You
We have so many ways to support you during this difficult time including structured programs, group coaching, and 1:1 private sessions. Which path is right for you? Have a free consultation, to discuss your situation, your options, and the best path forward. Schedule Your Free Consultation →
Need Encouragement? Perspective? Guidance? It’s Here: Free Divorce & Breakup Advice
You’re going through a painful time, and Dr. Lisa is here for you. Get her guidance for free, right now in this curated podcast playlist and content collection she put together just for you. Access her Healing From Heartbreak Collection →
Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love
Why is it so hard to let go, even when you know you should? In her award-winning “Exaholics” book, Dr. Lisa explains why, and illuminates the path forward towards emotional liberation, growth, and recovery. Get your copy of Exaholics, right here →
Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex — And How to Break Free
Can you ever stop loving someone? Want to know how to get over an ex? Learn how to stop thinking about someone so you can move on.
What It Really Takes To Get Over Someone: The Stages of a Breakup
Withdrawal, grieving, growing, rebuilding: Understanding the stages of recovery are vital to your healing process after a divorce. Learn about the stages of breakup recovery…
Yes, You Can Create an Amicable Divorce
You’re divorcing, and your biggest fear is what will happen to the kids. How can you make this as okay as possible for them? Learn how to achieve an amicable divorce →
Stop a Divorce
The threat of divorce can actually be a turning point for a marriage if you understand how to use it as an opportunity to foster healing. In this podcast, learn how to stop a divorce →
Why Do You Keep Going Back? Are You Addicted to a Toxic Relationship?
Profoundly unhealthy relationships can be the hardest to get over. Find out if you’re addicted to a toxic relationship.
When to Call It Quits
Is there still hope for your relationship, or is it best to part ways? Learn the signs that growth and healing are possible, vs. signs it’s time to call it quits in a relationship →
How to Leave a Toxic Relationship, With Dignity
Learn why it’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship, and the things you can do to empower and support yourself in your journey to emotional empowerment.
My husband had an afiafr in 2002 with our sons sister in law. And now she will not leave us alone.?I chose my marriage over leaving him.I have tried many times to forget what happened. I was putting in many hours at work. Put my job before my husband and Yes I blame myself as much as I do anyone. Our daughter in law told her sister so many lies about me to her sister. And she even sent my husband an invitation to her and my sons wedding as long as he DID NOT Bring my fat ass and that was how it was worded on the invitation. So in the long run it caused a big fight and I was kicked out I was gone 2000 miles away I went to Virginia from Arkansas because that was the only place I had to go. But the funny was the day after the Wedding he borrowed money from his mother and brought me home. I can NOT stomach this woman. She has caused all sorts of trouble in my life and in my marriage. She has the hots for my husband just as her older sister does. She treats my husband like Shit these days. If we go to my sons house She goes in the other room and ignores us. Or turns up the TV so we almost have to scream to be heard. But yet I am expected to watch her kids for FREE. And now I am being made to watch her sisters kids. I have told them repeatedly that Her sister is NOT allowed at my house but they bring her everytime they come. Just to cause trouble. Her sister is a leech. She follows my husband around like a dog in heat. But everyone asks WHY I don’t like Misty, I asked them if they have about a week for me to tell them the reasons behind me not liking her. She bought booze for my son when he was 14, took him parking with her sister when he was 15, gave them rubbers when he was 16 and he got her sister pregnant, Quit Schooll at 18 to get them an apartment. Ruined my marriage because she had an afiafr with my husband knowing he was a married man. Moved in our house with my son and his wife. And expected us to support all of them. Got a Van from us. And refuses to register it in her name. And has a 7 year old that she abuses that my husband is the father of.But blames her on a drug addict she was seeing after she was with my husband. But she was with my husband of and on from August of 2001 until October of 2003. And the kid was born June 24th 2004. But she was not with the Druggy until December of 2003.Those are just a few reasons. Is there someway I can keep this woman from being able to come to my home and stay out of my life. She just keeps causing trouble. It is real hard to move past the mistakes in the past when I face it everyday of my life. I have her kids 3 days a week and I have my grrandkids Monday through Friday. Even when we lived in another town my daughter in law would bring her to our house with them. I have told our daughter in law that they can come But her sister is NOT wanted. And I refuse to watch the kids but it was either watch them or them make my son Quit his Job and him watch them. Or them all 8 move back in on us in our House. We have done to above and it does not work. Restrianing order does not work because this woman lives with my son and daughter in law. She drives a Van that is registered in my name.Our son is the one who told me who his dad was messing with. And came and told me. His dad kept denying it. Even after I ended up on several meds because of her being so nasty. She walked in and he wanted to know why she was there and she told him I knew everything. He got mad. And called her all sorts of stuff. I have told her, Our son and his wife that she or her kids are NOT Welcome at our house. But every time they come over she has to come with them. My husband has told her Right in Front of me what happened WAS WRONG and he wants to work on our Marriage and Does NOT want her But her haed is Hollow she does not get it. And refuses to listen.
Erivaldo… wow. The pain, heartbreak and helplessness you have been feeling simply pour out of this story. I am sorry that such terrible things have happened in your family. I’m afraid that there are so many layers of betrayal, emotional blackmail, and trauma in this situation that any “advice” I would have for you in this context would only add to your frustration. My very best advice to you is this: get very, very serious about your own self-care, and seek the support of a good family therapist in your area. Not for your family: For you. You need support, compassion, and a relationship that is a “safe harbor” from all the chaos in your family, as well as professional guidance on what to do next.
If you would like advice on how to connect with a good therapist in your area, check out my “Is it time to get help?” podcast. I’d also like to give you free access to my Happiness Class, which will teach you how to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. It won’t change your circumstances, but it will help you cope. Email me through my website and I’ll send you a coupon code so you can take it for free. All my best, Lisa Marie Bobby
My husband had an afiafr in 2002 with our sons sister in law. And now she will not leave us alone.?I chose my marriage over leaving him.I have tried many times to forget what happened. I was putting in many hours at work. Put my job before my husband and Yes I blame myself as much as I do anyone. Our daughter in law told her sister so many lies about me to her sister. And she even sent my husband an invitation to her and my sons wedding as long as he DID NOT Bring my fat ass and that was how it was worded on the invitation. So in the long run it caused a big fight and I was kicked out I was gone 2000 miles away I went to Virginia from Arkansas because that was the only place I had to go. But the funny was the day after the Wedding he borrowed money from his mother and brought me home. I can NOT stomach this woman. She has caused all sorts of trouble in my life and in my marriage. She has the hots for my husband just as her older sister does. She treats my husband like Shit these days. If we go to my sons house She goes in the other room and ignores us. Or turns up the TV so we almost have to scream to be heard. But yet I am expected to watch her kids for FREE. And now I am being made to watch her sisters kids. I have told them repeatedly that Her sister is NOT allowed at my house but they bring her everytime they come. Just to cause trouble. Her sister is a leech. She follows my husband around like a dog in heat. But everyone asks WHY I don’t like Misty, I asked them if they have about a week for me to tell them the reasons behind me not liking her. She bought booze for my son when he was 14, took him parking with her sister when he was 15, gave them rubbers when he was 16 and he got her sister pregnant, Quit Schooll at 18 to get them an apartment. Ruined my marriage because she had an afiafr with my husband knowing he was a married man. Moved in our house with my son and his wife. And expected us to support all of them. Got a Van from us. And refuses to register it in her name. And has a 7 year old that she abuses that my husband is the father of.But blames her on a drug addict she was seeing after she was with my husband. But she was with my husband of and on from August of 2001 until October of 2003. And the kid was born June 24th 2004. But she was not with the Druggy until December of 2003.Those are just a few reasons. Is there someway I can keep this woman from being able to come to my home and stay out of my life. She just keeps causing trouble. It is real hard to move past the mistakes in the past when I face it everyday of my life. I have her kids 3 days a week and I have my grrandkids Monday through Friday. Even when we lived in another town my daughter in law would bring her to our house with them. I have told our daughter in law that they can come But her sister is NOT wanted. And I refuse to watch the kids but it was either watch them or them make my son Quit his Job and him watch them. Or them all 8 move back in on us in our House. We have done to above and it does not work. Restrianing order does not work because this woman lives with my son and daughter in law. She drives a Van that is registered in my name.Our son is the one who told me who his dad was messing with. And came and told me. His dad kept denying it. Even after I ended up on several meds because of her being so nasty. She walked in and he wanted to know why she was there and she told him I knew everything. He got mad. And called her all sorts of stuff. I have told her, Our son and his wife that she or her kids are NOT Welcome at our house. But every time they come over she has to come with them. My husband has told her Right in Front of me what happened WAS WRONG and he wants to work on our Marriage and Does NOT want her But her haed is Hollow she does not get it. And refuses to listen.
Erivaldo… wow. The pain, heartbreak and helplessness you have been feeling simply pour out of this story. I am sorry that such terrible things have happened in your family. I’m afraid that there are so many layers of betrayal, emotional blackmail, and trauma in this situation that any “advice” I would have for you in this context would only add to your frustration. My very best advice to you is this: get very, very serious about your own self-care, and seek the support of a good family therapist in your area. Not for your family: For you. You need support, compassion, and a relationship that is a “safe harbor” from all the chaos in your family, as well as professional guidance on what to do next.
If you would like advice on how to connect with a good therapist in your area, check out my “Is it time to get help?” podcast. I’d also like to give you free access to my Happiness Class, which will teach you how to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. It won’t change your circumstances, but it will help you cope. Email me through my website and I’ll send you a coupon code so you can take it for free. All my best, Lisa Marie Bobby
I just broke up with my ex. I know this makes me the bad guy. She was someone I loved very much, but also someone very controlling and by the end, I felt suffocated by the feelings of having to lie about where I was going and what I was doing, so she wouldn’t get mad. But I feel, still, absolutely awful that I will have hurt her deeply – because I know she was only trying to control things so that this would not happen.
We cannot be together. We just aren’t compatible. I’m far too much of a free spirit (in the sense of needing my independence – I have never been interested in anyone else; I may never date again.) But how do I deal with the guilt? She is contacting me daily, begging me to take her back. But I just can’t. There is too much that has happened; too many examples of where I have lost myself trying to please her – and it never worked anyway. Her anger when i disappointed her was both irrational and intense. I wasn’t even allowed to decorate my own place the way I wanted, or dress how I wanted. But I feel wretched because I have hurt her by leaving.
Thanks for your comment, Kit. It’s hard to be dumped, but in some ways, breaking up with someone you love is even more difficult. I’m sorry you were in a position where you needed to make that choice. It sounds like there were some very real problems in the relationship that you weren’t able to solve, including intense anger directed at you and a controlling dynamic. None of that is healthy, and it makes sense that you need to end things. Still, it’s not an easy choice to make and it’s totally normal to second guess yourself.
I recorded a podcast that speaks to your situation that I think you might find helpful: why your breakup was a good thing
xoxo, Dr. Lisa