Why Breaking Up Was The Right Choice
Why Breaking Up Was The Right Choice
You may be asking yourself if breaking up was the right choice. One thing I’ve learned as a marriage and divorce counselor, and as the author of Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love, is that there are fundamental differences between relationships that end and repairable ones. Relationships that can be mended have higher levels of commitment, compassion, and respect than relationships that fail. And as sad as it is when couples decide to split, in many cases, it’s really a good thing for both partners. Accepting this can help to heal a broken heart.
How Do You Know If Breaking Up Was the Right Choice?
It is normal and even healthy to experience regret after a breakup or divorce, and to question your decision (or, if you were dumped, to question your partner’s decision). It’s a testament to the deep attachment bond you had for your Ex. But the presence of these feelings does not mean that you should have continued in the relationship. Doing so would have more than likely caused you and your Ex more pain in the long run.
Here’s how you know your breakup was the right choice:
- There were fundamental incompatibilities. In some way, you just didn’t fit together. If you did, you’d still be together. Even if the fundamental incompatibility was that your Ex partner just wasn’t committed enough to the relationship to work on things with you — that’s not good enough! You deserve someone who is all in.
- Ending the relationship likely saved you from a lifetime of misery. Seriously. As a couples counselor, I can tell you that when two people who do not belong together refuse to part ways, the outcome is much worse than a breakup.
- You now have a much clearer picture of what a good relationship means to you. There are things that you needed that you were not getting from your Ex. There are ways that you want to show up in relationships that you weren’t able to show up in this relationship. And, most importantly, now you know that. That is the gift of growth, and it will bloom into a positive new chapter in your life that wouldn’t have been possible before this relationship.
Seeing the “Good” in Your Break Up and Why Breaking Up was the Right Choice
Of course, breakups are hard and often incredibly painful to go through — even if breaking up was the right choice. There is loss and grieving to do when your heart is broken. It’s especially difficult if you’re not the one who called things off, or when you feel blindsided by the end of your relationship. You have the right to be sad and hurt.
At the same time, from my perspective of walking through the “stay or go” experience with so many people, I understand that in reality, this breakup was probably a blessing for you in the long run — breaking up was likely the right choice for both of you. While you may not be ready to “get over it,” you can take comfort in knowing that there are reasons that this breakup may be beneficial to you both.
On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I’ll share with you why breaking up was the right choice, why this relationship needed to end, and why your life will be better for it. Because it will.
I hope you’ll tune in. And, if you’d like support along your journey from a breakup recovery counselor on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
With love,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
P.S. — I have a collection of articles and podcasts to help you heal from your breakup or divorce and move forward, stronger than ever. I hope you’ll check it out — I made it for you!
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Why Breaking Up Was The Right Choice
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Episode Highlights
Why Breaking Up Was The Right Choice
- There is an Unresolvable Problem
- Sometimes, couples break up over solvable problems, which is unfortunate.
- However, couples can simply be incompatible with one another.
- When you cannot accept who your partner is, it’s best to let them go.
- You Save Yourself from a Life of Misery
- You deserve to be loved, cherished, and appreciated for who you are.
- Don’t stay in a relationship and lose yourself in the process.
- Go slow, and figure out if you are compatible before you get involved too deeply.
- Getting Out of a Relationship Allows Growth
- A break-up gives us an opportunity to reflect on ourselves.
- Our relationships also shape us. In some ways, they allow us to expand our lives.
- Relationships also illuminate what our core values are.
- So, be grateful for your past relationship and know that it has prepared you for something better.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
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I just wanted to thank you so much for this podcast, it was like you were speaking directly to me. I moved across the country for my boyfriend of 3 years (at the time) and a year later, we break up. He works so much and our fundamental issue was that he never made time for me and always privatized work over me. I knew we weren’t happy but I held on hoping eventually things would get better but they never did. He ended it, and I think it was the best thing for me even though we have to live together for a little while. I realize now that I deserve better and that I should be with someone who loves and values me. When I get sad and lonely, I re-listen to this and I feel like we made the right decision.
Hi Charmaine, I’m so glad to hear that this podcast has been helpful to you. It can be hard to find the “growth opportunity” in a bad breakup, but it sounds like you have. Never forget that you are worthy of love and respect!! xo, Lisa
I just gave birth 7 months ago,
My husband decided he wants a divorce now…because I took off the veil.
He only lived with us for 1 month.
I am heartbroken
I tried to talk and msg him but he isn’t answering.
He left the house.
He called my brother
And he doesn’t want to sit…he just wants a divorce.
I’m shattered.
I feel I am not there for my daughter. I’m so overwhelmed.
Egyptian girl… I’m so sorry. I have no idea what may be going on with your husband. What I do know is that you need to focus on getting support for yourself and your daughter. I would encourage you to get in touch with a therapist locally. Are there postpartum support groups available in your area? If you haven’t already I hope that you research services available in your area. A good place to start might be to contact a local hospital, your midwife, or a family services center.
It’s so hard to take care of a baby under any circumstance, but especially when your heart is broken. If you really feel that you are not able to meet the needs of your baby, please ask for help. I hope that you surround yourself with a supportive group of people who can sustain you emotionally through this difficult time, as you care for your daughter and make a new plan for your life.
Sincerely,
LMB
Hi Dr.
I’m really struggling to forget my ex but this was 3 yrs ago ans I still can’t forget him. I’ve gone out with other people since but they were all horrible people and also none of them wanted to commit to me. And every time it reminds me of my ex and how committed he was. It makes me regret that the relationship ended and it ended because I became sadder and sadder in it. He was lovely, he was always there for me but I started feeling suffocated. The very thing that attracted him to me he wanted just to himself which was my bubbly personality. He started picking at why I was to acting too silly when we were at a party, I wasn’t acting slutty or anything just laughing about something with friends and he was there too but he wasn’t laughing. Afterwards he told me he doesn’t like his gf to act like that in public and that I can be like that with him in private but in public I need to bring it down a notch. There were also other things like why did you post that comment about religion on fb as he was catholic.. the comment wasn’t about any particular religion it was just about the history of religion, or why did you take me to a party where some of those people were speaking their native language to each other. Mind you I didn’t know the people and they were speaking with each other not him. Or why did you divert from our route when we kayaking. Or why did you grab my hand and ran across the green pedestrian crossing it was embarrassing. I found myself being questioned about things. Or does anyone like you at work or did the supermarket guy like you etc. Or if you ever get a tattoo I can’t be with you. And i never even wanted to get a tattoo. So slowly my physically shut down and I couldn’t have intercourse with him, I got myself tested and they found nothing. They said it’s emotional and I got sad. I also went on anti depressants so I don’t ruin my relationship. But i was so sad. He was so nice though he even stayed with me for 1.5yrs even when I couldn’t have intercourse. But those things didn’t stop. He wanted to live where he wanted as we weren’t living together or anything. I asked him to just live one year where I wanted and for the rest of our lives we will live where he wants and he said no. I asked him to please just accept my personality the way I am and he said I want my gf to behave in a certain way in public and not act silly. And so it ended mutually. And I felt so relieved as I felt trapped. But now 3 yrs later after a recent breakup up pf a short relationship I’m missing him. I’m not even sad about my recent breakup. I just think of him from 3 yrs ago. I want him back. I even messaged him saying that and we’re better off as friends. And now I am devastated. I keep blaming myself that should’ve tried harder. He even wanted to see me 2yrs ago but I got bad anxiety to see him and I said no and now I’m regretting it. I should’ve stayed. Now having panic attacks ans crying that I lost the only one guy that really loved me and wanted to commit to me. He is 10yrs younger than me too and back then I wasn’t sure about that even though he never had an issue with it but now that I’m hurting I don’t care. I don’t know what to do, I can’t forget him. I’m depressed and sad all the time and I just want him back. I know this sounds so pathetic but 42 and I’m so scarred that I’m gonna be alone forever and I’ve lost the beat thing that happened to me and I should’ve just done and gone along with what he wanted because he was a good guy and sweet and would never cheat on me or anything. What should I do?? Please help! Thank you x
I just wanted to thank you so much for this podcast, it was like you were speaking directly to me. I moved across the country for my boyfriend of 3 years (at the time) and a year later, we break up. He works so much and our fundamental issue was that he never made time for me and always privatized work over me. I knew we weren’t happy but I held on hoping eventually things would get better but they never did. He ended it, and I think it was the best thing for me even though we have to live together for a little while. I realize now that I deserve better and that I should be with someone who loves and values me. When I get sad and lonely, I re-listen to this and I feel like we made the right decision.
Hi Charmaine, I’m so glad to hear that this podcast has been helpful to you. It can be hard to find the “growth opportunity” in a bad breakup, but it sounds like you have. Never forget that you are worthy of love and respect!! xo, Lisa
I just gave birth 7 months ago,
My husband decided he wants a divorce now…because I took off the veil.
He only lived with us for 1 month.
I am heartbroken
I tried to talk and msg him but he isn’t answering.
He left the house.
He called my brother
And he doesn’t want to sit…he just wants a divorce.
I’m shattered.
I feel I am not there for my daughter. I’m so overwhelmed.
Egyptian girl… I’m so sorry. I have no idea what may be going on with your husband. What I do know is that you need to focus on getting support for yourself and your daughter. I would encourage you to get in touch with a therapist locally. Are there postpartum support groups available in your area? If you haven’t already I hope that you research services available in your area. A good place to start might be to contact a local hospital, your midwife, or a family services center.
It’s so hard to take care of a baby under any circumstance, but especially when your heart is broken. If you really feel that you are not able to meet the needs of your baby, please ask for help. I hope that you surround yourself with a supportive group of people who can sustain you emotionally through this difficult time, as you care for your daughter and make a new plan for your life.
Sincerely,
LMB