Premarital Counseling Questions… and Answers
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Music Credits: Edapollo, “You & I”
Relationship Advice From A Premarital Counselor
All premarital couples have the best of intentions. People get married because they love each other and hope (and intend!) to have a happy, healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime. They move forward, happily expecting all good things in their new life together and then… have the same experience that ALL couples have. What they discover is that there are things to work through. Big things. Things that they didn’t always anticipate. HOW they handle those big things can make a big difference in the trajectory of their marriage. Believe me, with all my experience as a premarital counselor, I can attest that all of these couples have one thing in common. They all can benefit from having an intentional way to create the best future for their marriage with a shared vision with the help of a premarital counselor.
Denver Premarital Counseling (and Premarital Counseling Online) is Proactive and Positive
Hear this: All couples have things to work through. That part is inevitable. But some couples put time and energy into learning how to handle those things well. They develop their communication skills, strengthen their emotional intelligence skills, and learn how to care for each other in a way that works. As they work through the inevitable issues, they are able to then move on — stronger because of having worked through things. They have not just figured out an issue, they’ve journeyed into a new level of intimacy for having done so. Evidence-based premarital counseling in Denver, and online premarital counseling teaches couples the skills they need to do this so that they can handle these moments successfully.
How To (Accidentally) Ruin a Marriage
While some couples learn the skills to have their marriage thrive, other couples, who have exactly the same, inevitable relationship issues that every couple has, may not put time and energy into figuring out how to handle these issues. They wing it. They use whatever communication styles and ways of relating to people that they absorbed unconsciously from their families of origin, or past relationships — for better, or for worse. As I’ve discussed in other podcasts, there are lots of effective ways to destroy a relationship. But the greatest of these may be overconfidence that you already know all there is to know about how to “do” relationships.
Marriages that fail do so because the couple is doing what most people do: simply “reacting” to their partner (rather than utilizing constructive, effective relationship skills that they intentionally learned and practice regularly). As a result… they don’t get great results. Important conversations turn into unproductive arguments. Unresolved problems fester into resentment and avoidance. Emotional safety and trust erode. Toxic ways of relating and communicating can easily take over their interactions. Over time, even the strongest, most compatible couples will — due to not knowing how to handle normal relationship issues — start to wonder if they’re even compatible.
The most distressed, least effective couples do not actively learn how to “do” relationships or get help for their relationship until they are on the brink of divorce. They’ve bought into the false idea that “marriage counseling is only for when it’s really bad,” and as a result, by the time they begrudgingly get help for their relationship it is actually too late. It’s so sad.
Relationships are just like anything else: You have to maintain them and put thoughtful, effective energy into them in order for them to grow and thrive. But this is much more than “spending time together” or “going on a date night.” Successful relationships require the development of relationship skills: Communication skills, emotional intelligence skills, behavioral adjustments, and more. We say all the time that great relationships don’t “just happen.” They’re grown, very deliberately, by learning how to have a great relationship.
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Debunking Myths About Premarital Counseling
1. All you need is love.
One of the biggest fallacies that has sunk many, many marriages (and even prevents some couples from seeking premarital counseling) is the myth that “Love is enough.” Believing that loving each other is the same thing as having and using specific relationship skills is simply not true. This idea is also destructive. Because when (not if, but when) couples experience the fact that just winging it and reacting to each other creates problems, they begin to doubt the relationship itself. It makes sense, in a way: If love “should” be enough, and it’s not enough in this relationship… then maybe it’s the wrong relationship.
Not true! The only difference between happy, successful couples and those who ultimately separate is not a matter of love, or fundamental compatibility in a relationship. Successful couples simply invest in learning how to be good partners for each other, and then use those skills very intentionally.
2. Premarital Counseling Will Just Create Issues!
Another (often unspoken) myth about premarital counseling is this irrational fear that premarital counseling might bring things to the surface that will destabilize the relationship, or make people realize they’re not compatible after all. I know that sounds silly when you say it out loud, but it’s true. That fear leads people to avoid premarital counseling, especially if they already have a case of cold feet before the wedding. The irony, of course, is that research clearly and consistently shows that the number one most important relationship skill is talking constructively, about important topics rather than minimizing them.
Oh, the irony: When couples fear that premarital counseling will cause problems, they inadvertently create the very circumstance that will actually damage their relationship long term: apathy and avoidance.
Questions About Premarital Counseling?
If your goal is to have a strong, successful marriage, high-quality premarital counseling is essential. Research shows that high-quality premarital counseling has a significant impact on relationship satisfaction and marriage longevity. Premarital counseling matters. However, some couples avoid premarital counseling. Even more couples do “premarital counseling” (emphasis on my pretend air-quotes) that is extremely superficial, and not skills-based.
When I say “high quality” premarital counseling, I’m referring to premarital counseling approaches that are evidence based and founded on scientifically sound approaches to marriage counseling and couples therapy, such as the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. These approaches have been shown by research to address the aspects of a relationship that really matter, long-term.
Proactive, smart couples are asking questions about marriage counseling and doing the research to make sure that their experience in premarital counseling is meaningful and effective. They’re asking questions like, “What happens in premarital counseling? What do you talk about in premarital counseling? Do you need a licensed marriage counselor for good premarital counseling? What are some premarital counseling questions we’ll be asked to talk through? What are some of the specific relationship skills you learn in premarital counseling? How does premarital counseling work? Can you do a premarital counseling class? How long does premarital counseling take? Do we need a premarital assessment? Does premarital counseling make couples break up? How much does premarital counseling cost? Can we do premarital counseling online? Why is evidence-based, non-religious premarital counseling often more effective than the “premarital counseling” and important to do in addition to the premarital counseling we get through our religious institution? Why is premarital counseling so important? What do experienced premarital counselors teach that we might not already know?”
There are SO many good, thoughtful questions to ask about premarital counseling!
Your Premarital Counseling Questions, Answered
In order to understand what premarital counseling really is, and how premarital counseling works, I’ve invited two of the amazing premarital counselors on the Growing Self team to join me on the latest episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
Wishing you all the best,
Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LP, LMFT, BCC
Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast
Premarital Counseling Questions… and Answers
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Music Credits: Edapollo, “You & I”
Free, Expert Advice — For You.
Subscribe To The Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Premarital Counseling Questions
Knowledge is power: Get all your premarital counseling questions answered, and educate yourself about your many options.
What is Premarital Counseling?
What should you expect in premarital counseling anyway? Is it worth doing? Learn what is premarital counseling, right here…
How Long is Premarital Counseling?
Sometimes premarital counseling only takes a couple of sessions. Sometimes it can be more extensive. Learn how long premarital counseling takes.
Non-Religious Premarital Counseling
Yes, there is such a thing as “non-religious premarital counseling” that is evidence-based, and all about your relationship. Learn more…
Positive Pre Marital Counselling
Learn about our positive, productive pre marital counselling and how we help engaged couples grow, together
Questions to Ask Before Marriage
What are the premarital counseling topics that are absolutely vital to get sorted out before getting married? Here are the questions to ask before marriage.
Premarital Counseling Online
Doing premarital counseling online is easy, effective, and a great option for long-distance couples. Learn more…
Denver Premarital Counseling
We provide Denver premarital counseling services in person at our local offices: Denver and Broomfield. Learn more…
Lifetime of Love Premarital Course
Our fun-but-meaningful Lifetime of Love class teaches the six most important relationship skills. Learn about our premarital course.
Pre Marriage Counseling
Couples counseling before marriage is not necessarily the same thing as premarital counseling. Learn more…
Pre Engagement Counseling
Growing together through pre engagement counseling can help you gain clarity, and the confidence to move forward.
The Best Premarital Counseling
Curious to hear what others have to say about their experience with “the best premarital counseling?” Read their stories…
Premarital Counseling Cost
Good premarital counseling is priceless. With us, it’s also affordable. Learn how much premarital counseling costs at Growing Self.
Insurance & Premarital Counseling
Couples are often curious if health insurance covers premarital counseling, and find the answer illuminating. Learn why…
Gift Premarital Counseling
You can help a couple create a happy, healthy marriage by “gifting” premarital counseling sessions. Here’s how…
The Premarital Collection
Our premarital counselors are here for you. Visit the premarital collection to view articles and podcasts featuring their best advice for premarital couples.
More Questions? Let’s Talk.
We’re available by phone, email, and chat, and happy to answer any of your questions about premarital counseling personally. Get in touch, anytime.
Start Premarital Counseling
Ready to begin premarital counseling at Growing Self? The first step is to book a free consultation meeting with the premarital counselor of your choice.