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How to Release Control and Let Things Go

How to Release Control and Let Things Go

Rachel Harder, M.A., LMFTC is a therapist, life coach and couples counselor who helps you find passion and joy in yourself and your relationships. She supports you in creating meaning and happiness, and not only facing your challenges — but triumphantly overcoming them.

The Control Crisis

Have you ever found yourself on the receiving end of the advice “Just let it go!” or “There’s nothing you can do about it, so why worry?” How difficult is that to hear!? This is especially true if you’re a proactive person who is good at thinking through different scenarios. Shouldn’t you do everything you can to avoid possible problems, or have things go the way you want them to?

So when people tell you to back off, you might start to wonder; “Don’t they understand what I’m going through?” Maybe you even start to think, “There must be something more I can do.” You probably notice worry, anxiety, and stress start to build, as you rattle over your different options, accounting for all the unknown variables.

The Relationship Between Anxiety and Control

I commonly hear folks discuss intense worry and distress because of circumstances we can’t control ranging from that friend who just won’t take your helpful advice to family members who don’t respect your boundaries. We are constantly being confronted with unpleasant situations that we often have little to no control over. This is especially true in relationships. What do we do with the anxiety this produces?

First, you might start to notice the paradox that takes place: we attempt to control circumstances to alleviate anxiety or stress, but in holding onto control (especially when we try to control what we have no power over) it only serves to increase anxiety and stress.THEN to compound the situation, the circumstances we most deeply desire to control are usually the ones we can’t! What a mess! [More on this: Are You Stuck in a Codependent Relationship?]

Well, here’s the good news: First, you’re not alone and secondly, there are some things you can do about it! I want to share with you three quick tips to let go of control (and in letting go of control, you may actually start to feel more in control… I know it sounds crazy).

How to Let Go Of Things You Can’t Control

Tip 1: Identify Situations Where You Have Control… and Where You Don’t

The What: An easy rule of thumb is: you are in control of yourself. It may also be helpful to create the distinction between what you can control and what you may be able to impact.

For example, you can’t control if your coworker is willing to be a team player, but you may be able to impact this behavior by voicing your needs (i.e. you are in control of how you want to respond and how you want to manage the stress your coworker’s behavior causes you). [More about Emotional Intelligence in the workplace].

The How: You might try doing a check-in with yourself when you notice stress is on the rise. Ask yourself what am I in control of right now? I sometimes encourage folks to actually write out an exhaustive list of their concerns and go through each item and identify what they can control. Once you identify the “uncontrollables,” you can start to practice the next tip!

Tip 2: Give Yourself Permission to Let Go

The What: Sometimes we feel worrying is one way we can control for the uncontrollable. (As in, “If I worry about it enough, I’ll be prepared,” or “Worrying is better than doing nothing.”) Instead of churning in worry, try giving yourself permission to let go. Let go of the need to hold on to the unknown. Remind yourself that you will know what to do if a crisis arises. Trust yourself. You’ve got this! Even in moments where that feels impossible.

The How: Try reciting mantras such as:

“It’s okay for me to let this go.”

“I don’t need to hold onto this.”

“I have done everything I can do.”

You can also ask a loved one for support with this. Sometimes we might need reassurance, that we have indeed, done everything we can do, until we’re able to provide this reassurance to ourselves.

Tip 3: Radical Acceptance

The What: When we are unable to reframe or change the experience, we may need to rely on radical acceptance. This concept tells us there may be times we need to accept circumstances that we don’t like. (I know, yuck!).

The key with this is knowing that acceptance does not mean approval or giving up. Simply put, it means we can see the circumstances for what they are. In doing this; we reduce the suffering we experience. (I get that this sounds counterintuitive).

The How: Try slowing down (for example: deep breathing) and creating room for the reality of the situation to exist as well as the idea that accepting that situation is uncomfortable (there’s room for both of these things to exist).

Think of it this way: If you’re stuck in traffic maybe you start to feel angry, and you notice yourself questioning “Why isn’t that car moving!?” Or perhaps you try switching lanes or honking. You might notice your pulse is quickening and the frustration is surging through you.

OR if you embrace Radical Acceptance you could try saying to yourself, “I’m doing everything I can do, I can’t control the car in front of me, and I’m stuck in traffic right now and that stinks.”

Which experience results in less emotional stress? (Pssst…it’s the one where we accept what is, while simultaneously acknowledging it’s not enjoyable).

Managing Anxiety + Releasing Control = Inner Peace

The key with all of these tips is to practice, practice, practice and go slow. It can be incredibly challenging to let go, especially in situations that aren’t comfortable. Take your time, and give yourself credit for what you’re already doing. I hope through using these strategies you may find yourself regaining control by relinquishing it.

Remember- everyone is doing the best they can in the moment (this includes you!).

All the best,
Rachel Harder, M.A., LMFT-C

How to Feel Safe in a Scary World

How to Feel Safe in a Scary World

How to Cope, in a World Where Bad Things Happen

Like so many of you, I too was shocked and horrified by the events of last week when so many innocent lives were taken in the Las Vegas shooting. Among other things, it led me to scrap last Monday’s podcast plans and create this one for you instead: Some advice for how to deal mentally and emotionally when terrible things happen.

I hate it that we live in a world where this even needs to be addressed, but it does. Together, over the past years, we’ve been through so much. Shootings. Natural disasters. Terrorist Attacks. War. Human Suffering. In our day-to-day lives we’re all under assault; choking down an endless barrage of information about all the latest horrors … but with no guidance for how to cope with it all, emotionally.

Death is the only wise advisor that we have. — Carlos Castaneda, Journey to Ixtlan

Our counseling and coaching clients here at Growing Self have the luxury of being able to process all of it, and get actionable advice for how to manage the grief, the fear, and the anger. And most importantly, our clients have support in channeling all those dark feelings into something positive and empowering.

I believe that you deserve the same. So today, on this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I thought I’d offer you some of the same ideas we’ve been teaching our private clients lately about how to cope, during these dark times.

Listen now, and learn:

  • Strategies for dealing with grief and horror in the days after a tragedy
  • Ways to regain your sense of empowerment, safety, and control
  • How to use difficult times to get clarity about your core values
  • Anxiety management tips to ground yourself
  • Inspiration for how to be a force of good in the world

Theses ideas help me personally, they help our clients, and I sincerely hope that they help you, too.

With love and respect,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

How to Feel Safe, in a Scary World

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Circus Marcus, “Búsqueda exploratoria #010 – A Ernest Delahaye”
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The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast is Now on Stitcher!

When to NOT Follow Your Feelings

When to NOT Follow Your Feelings

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Not All Feelings Are Helpful

 

“Follow your feelings” is the punchline of countless self-help books, and the focus of many therapy sessions. We can spend years in therapy or counseling learning how to respect and obey our emotional guidance system, which will often lead you in the right direction. But the truth is that not all feelings are the same. Sometimes, listening to your feelings will absolutely wreck your life. How do you tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy feelings?

Healthy feelings are like your sense of smell. They provide you with information about the world, about yourselves, and other peoeple. Your feelings help you make decisions, and know when to move closer to something (or protect yourself).

At the same time, we’re all vulnerable to unhealthy feelings: Feelings that are rooted in depression, anxiety, low self esteem, trauma or impulsivity. And if we listen to those feelings we will almost invariably experience negative consequences.

But the big problem is that our feelings always feel true, no matter if they are “healthy” or “unhealthy.” It’s therefore very difficult to differentiate between feelings that we should respect and obey, or feelings that we should over-ride.

On today’s episode of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast we’re talking all about feelings – and how you can determine which ones to listen to and which ones to let go of.

When to NOT Follow Your Feelings: Click Here to Listen Now

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When to NOT Follow Your Feelings

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Advice From a Denver Life Coach: Let It Go

Advice From a Denver Life Coach: Let It Go

Advice From a Denver Life Coach: Let it Go

So… I don’t know how many times you’ve personally seen the movie Frozen. I’m up to about sixteen, but I have a son so I’m guessing those of you who have daughters may be in the triple digits. For you Elsa fans: My new favorite stress-management technique will help you channel your inner Snow Queen, Let It Go, have a laugh, and surprise and delight everyone around you in the process.

Here’s what happened: I was talking with a new acquaintance who was griping about his Stress-Of-The-Moment — He’d needed to have a sign printed for an environmental awareness event and it hadn’t been done properly, so he had to finish the job himself and then rush to get to the event on time. Finishing it involved the use of spray-adhesive that was full of chemicals, and he is committed to a scrupulously non-toxic life so this was an added stressor for him.

Practically mid-sentence, he completely surprised me. He stopped talking, crouched down and then stood again, sweeping both arms up and to the side. As he did said, “Spray adhesive.” He then crouched down and swept his arms up again as he rose saying, “Let it go.”

Of course by the time he was done with this he was smiling. And the angst was over. He finished his sign and zoomed off, tires screeching, towards his event. I wandered away from this exchange smiling too, and his technique for “letting it go” stuck with me. I thought it was so cute I wanted to share it with you. I’ve tried this several times myself and something about the combination of intention, movement and humor makes it work like a charm every time.

So next time you have some Nagging Anxiety / Irrational Fear / Angsty-Thing-You’re-Stuck-On happening:

Step 1. Do the “sweep” (crouch down and rise, sweeping your arms to the side) and say the name of the thing you’re stuck on.

Step 2. Do the “sweep” again and say “Let it Go!”

Step 3. Giggle and move on.

Want an example? “Podcast is late being published! Let it go!” (It’s working for me today.)

How to Stop Your Anxiety, Right Now.

How to Stop Your Anxiety, Right Now.

Ahhh Anxiety. The sleepless nights. The pit in your stomach. The worries, ever swirling. Anxiety is the experience of being traumatized by bad things happening… before they actually happen.

On today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I’m going to teach you how to stop mentally time traveling into DOOM, and restore your sense of inner peace.

First, I’ll help you understand what anxiety is, and the mind-body connection that keeps you trapped in it’s clutches. Then, I’ll be teaching you my four favorite techniques for stopping it.

They’re all mindfulness based, and in my experience very effective. They work for my clients, and they work for me. I have every confidence that they’ll help you, too.

Listen Now.

(Music Credits: “Anxiety Attack,” by Jeffrey Lewis.)

Key Points:

  1.  Anxiety = A Time Traveling Mind
  2. The Mind-Body Connection, and Cycle of Fear
  3. Anchor Yourself in The Present
  4. Define the Explosion
  5. Solve Solvable Problems
  6. Relax Your Body, to Relax Your Mind
Growing Self Counseling & Coaching