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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Hey friends, it’s Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby here, and I want to talk about something that’s super close to my heart and probably yours too: friendships. Now, I’m not talking about the easy, breezy, laugh-till-you-cry kind of friendships. Nope. Today, we’re diving deep into the tough stuff—navigating toxic friendships. These are the kinds of friendships that start out great but slowly become emotionally draining, filled with more drama than joy, and leave you wondering if you’re better off without them.
In a recent episode of my Love, Happiness & Success podcast, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Marisa Franco, a psychologist and the bestselling author of Platonic. Together, we peeled back the layers of what makes a friendship healthy versus toxic, and how our attachment styles shape the types of friends we attract.
Toxic Friendships and Attachment Styles
Toxic friendships can take many forms. Maybe your friend is constantly negative, manipulative, or even emotionally neglectful. What makes these relationships especially tough is that they often start out well. You have shared experiences, deep conversations, and good times—but somewhere along the way, things shift.
According to Dr. Franco, our early life experiences and attachment styles play a big role in these dynamics. If you’re anxiously attached, you may find yourself clinging to friendships, even when they stop feeling good. You might think, “If I just try harder, they’ll love me.” Sound familiar? That’s the trap of toxic friendships—they keep us in a loop of trying to fix something that’s fundamentally broken.
Signs Your Friendship is Becoming Toxic
One of the most important things we discussed in the episode is how to spot the warning signs that a friendship is going off the rails. Here are a few red flags to watch out for:
Constant Criticism or Negativity: Do you feel drained after spending time with your friend? Are they always focusing on the negative, even when you’re trying to bring in some positivity?
One-Sided Efforts: Are you always the one making plans, reaching out, or offering emotional support? Healthy friendships should have balance and reciprocity.
Emotional Manipulation: This can be subtle but powerful. Your friend might guilt-trip you into doing things for them, or they may dismiss your feelings or concerns.
Lack of Growth: In any relationship, you should feel like you’re both growing together. If your friend seems stuck in the same unhealthy patterns, it might be time to reassess.
It’s easy to see these signs in hindsight, but while you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to know when a friendship has turned toxic. If you’re not sure, I recommend reflecting on the emotional impact this friendship has on your life. Is it mostly positive, or do you feel more drained than fulfilled?
How Healthy is Your Self Esteem? Take the Quiz!
Why It’s So Hard to Let Go
Breaking away from a toxic friendship isn’t as easy as it sounds, right? Even if you recognize the friendship is no longer serving you, other factors—like how long you’ve known each other, shared experiences, or fear of loneliness—can make it hard to pull the plug. It can be hard to make new friends as an adult so letting one go might feel scary.
Dr. Franco and I discussed a psychological concept called investment theory, which basically says the more time and emotional energy you’ve put into a relationship, the harder it is to let go, even if you know it’s no longer working for you.
Add in the societal pressure of loyalty and you might find yourself staying in friendships that are slowly eroding your self-esteem. You’re not alone in feeling this way, but staying in these relationships can take a toll on your mental health over time. I often tell my clients (and myself) that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being.
How to Set Boundaries and Move Forward
So, how do you start setting boundaries in a toxic friendship without it feeling like a full-blown breakup? Dr. Franco shared some helpful advice, which I’ve also seen work wonders in my therapy and coaching practice:
Open a Dialogue: Instead of jumping straight to ending the friendship, try talking about what’s been bothering you. Use “I” statements to avoid making your friend feel attacked. For example, “I feel hurt when I reach out and don’t hear back for days. I value our friendship and would love to find a way to communicate better.”
Assess Their Response: Sometimes, just opening the door to a conversation can bring positive changes. But if your friend becomes defensive, dismissive, or hostile, this is valuable information. It shows you whether the friendship has the potential to evolve or if it’s time to walk away.
Know When It’s Time to Let Go: If you’ve tried setting boundaries and nothing changes, it’s okay to end the friendship. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that’s okay. Remember, your emotional energy is valuable, and you deserve friendships that lift you up, not tear you down.
Want More Insights? Let’s Continue the Conversation
Friendships, like any relationship, require self-awareness and growth. If this topic is resonating with you and you’d like more guidance, I have a free resource that might help. Take my How Healthy is Your Self-Esteem quiz to get more insight into how your self-esteem may be impacting your relationships.
Also, I’d love to personally connect with you. If you’ve been struggling with difficult friendships or any other relationship challenges, feel free to book a free consultation with one of our therapists or coaches. We’re here to help you navigate these tricky waters.
Lastly, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram or subscribe to my YouTube channel where I host weekly livestreams. Our next one is coming up this Thursday at 12 pm MT, and I’ll be answering your questions live on navigating toxic friendships. You can even submit an anonymous question in advance here.
Xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
PS: Do you know someone who’s going through a tough time in a friendship? Share this article with them—they might really need to hear this today.
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