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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
When trust is broken in a relationship, it shakes you to your core. The person you loved most — the one who was supposed to be your safest place — suddenly feels like a stranger. And in those first moments after discovery, everything you believed about your relationship, your partner, and even yourself can feel shattered. If you’re wondering how to rebuild trust after betrayal, know that healing is possible.
This week on the Love, Happiness and Success podcast, I sat down with Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith, trained relationship specialists, speakers, and authors of Building True Intimacy: Creating a Connection That Stands the Test of Time. Their story is extraordinary — not because they avoided pain, but because they faced partner betrayal trauma head-on and built an even deeper connection through it.
When the World Falls Apart
Three years into their marriage, Matthew confessed to a decades-long sexual addiction. Joanna was devastated. The pain wasn’t only about the behavior itself — it was the deception, the loss of safety, and the disorienting sense of “What was ever real?”
If you’ve experienced partner betrayal trauma, you know this wound isn’t just emotional — it’s neurological. Your body shifts into survival mode. Your nervous system starts scanning for danger everywhere, even when there’s none. You might feel hypervigilant, numb, angry, ashamed, or completely untethered. It’s not “drama.” It’s trauma — and it deserves care, not judgment.
To understand the psychological and relational effects of betrayal, see this research on relational trauma and emotional safety in couples therapy and the growing evidence for recognizing betrayal trauma as a distinct clinical issue.
Healing Requires Honesty, Safety, and Accountability
One of the most powerful lessons from the Raabsmiths’ story is that they didn’t try to sweep the pain under the rug or “move on.” They learned that rebuilding trust after betrayal takes more than time — it takes deliberate, ongoing effort.
Matthew began his own porn addiction recovery work, confronting the shame, fear, and wounds that had fueled his behavior. Joanna began her own healing journey, learning about trauma, boundaries, and what emotional safety truly means. Together, they built a new foundation based on honesty, accountability, and emotional attunement.
As Joanna shared, stopping harmful behavior isn’t enough. The partner who caused harm must become an active participant in rebuilding — showing transparency, empathy, and consistent repair. And for the betrayed partner, healing means learning to feel safe again, both within the relationship and within yourself.
For more on creating this kind of foundation, visit repair trust in your relationship and learn what real accountability looks like.
Unlock the Secret to Happier Relationships
I know how hard it can be to feel stuck in conflict. That’s why I created this free 2-part training, Communication that Connects—to help you stop the fights, rebuild your connection, and communicate in a way that brings you closer. Click the link below to take the first step.
The Path Through Partner Betrayal Trauma
Healing from betrayal isn’t linear. It’s messy, with moments of progress and grief intertwined. But what the Raabsmiths discovered — and what I see often in my work as a marriage counselor — is that this rupture, painful as it is, can become the beginning of something deeper.
When both partners commit to the process, the relationship that emerges is more authentic, conscious, and emotionally connected. Real trust isn’t about pretending it never happened; it’s about creating something new, built on truth and emotional courage.
You can read more about this concept in Betrayal Trauma in Committed Relationships: An Exploratory Study, which explores how couples rebuild emotional safety and mutual trust after infidelity or secrecy.
If your emotional connection feels distant, you may relate to I love you but I don’t like you, an article on rediscovering closeness after disconnection.
How to Rebuild Trust After Betrayal
If you’re asking how to rebuild trust after betrayal, start small and consistent. Transparency replaces secrecy. Honesty replaces avoidance. Repair replaces defensiveness. These daily choices rebuild emotional safety, not just between you and your partner but within your own nervous system.
Learn to have repair conversations that bring you closer, not further apart. This article on how to make up after a fight offers simple steps to start communicating differently.
Reflect With Me
If you’re navigating partner betrayal trauma — or supporting someone who is — pause and reflect:
- What would it take for you to feel emotionally safe again?
- What does accountability look like in your relationship?
- If you could rebuild trust from the ground up, what kind of love would you create this time?
These questions are the starting point for healing, not just surviving.
Keep Growing
If this conversation stirred something in you, I have a free resource that can help you start rebuilding safety and connection right now. My Communication That Connects Masterclass walks you through the exact skills that transform conflict into closeness — the same communication tools that make repair and trust-building possible after betrayal.
If you’d like to work with one of the amazing marriage and family therapists on my team, you’re invited to schedule a free consultation to talk about your situation and how we can help you rebuild trust, safety, and connection in your relationship.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Resources:
Williams, L. R. (2019). The experience of sexual betrayal trauma: A qualitative analysis of responses from the Trauma Inventory for Partners of Sex Addicts (TIPSA) [Master’s thesis, Brigham Young University]. ScholarsArchive. https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/etd/8557
Giacobbi, L., & Lalot, F. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 45–68. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
Aghamiri, A., Luetz, J. M., & Hills, S. (2024). The lived experiences and well-being of female partners following discovery or disclosure of their male partner’s compulsive sexual behaviours: An Australian phenomenological study. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 31(2), 145–164. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-024-01043-x
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