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How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship

How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Love is Not Enough, Actually

 

How do you get your needs met in a relationship? You can have an over-all great relationship with someone you love very much, and still feel like you’re not really getting what you need in order to feel truly connected and cared for. This can lead to frustrations, especially if your efforts to ask (or hint, or nag, or beg, or control, or get angry repeatedly — no judgment) never lead to real and lasting change in your relationship.

Help is here. On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m speaking to a true expert on this subject: Dr. Robert Navarra. Dr. Navarra has decades of experience as a marriage counselor, couples therapist, and addictions counselor and trains other therapists on The Gottman Method of couples therapy— the gold standard in evidence-based couples counseling. He has also pioneered a new, research based method for helping couples reconnect in the aftermath of addiction.

He’s here to share his insight and relationship advice with you, so that you can finally get your needs met in your relationship. Here’s a peek into our conversation:

Advice For How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship

1) Build on Your Relationship’s Strengths: Did you know that it’s easier to get your partner to honor your wishes when they feel close and connected to you? That sounds true and simple, but sometimes couples let the sticking points eclipse the positive parts of their relationship. Learn how to start being friends again first, in order to increase the likelihood of getting your needs met

2) Improve Your Communication: The way you say things really matters. Dr. Navarra explains the specific ways of communicating that are likely to get you shut down, ignored, blown up at, or invalidated — and what do to instead. He’s sharing his tips for how to get your message across in a way your partner will be able to hear.

3) Avoid The Three Behaviors That Will Sabotage Your Relationship: In addition for providing you with great skills and strategies to help you communicate, Dr. Navarra explains the behaviors to avoid at all costs. We all know how easy it is to react without thinking when we’re upset. However, by avoiding the pitfalls and mindfully cultivating the pro-marriage, pro-relationship behaviors that Dr Navarra advises, you can greatly increase the odds that your partner will respond to you positively.

4) What to Do When Your Partner Has a Serious Problem: Dr Navarra is a Master Addictions Counselor among other things, so I sprung a listener question on him — What to do if your partner has a problem with alcohol, marijuana or other destructive behaviors? He explains strategies to help your partner, and yourself, stop the madness and grow back together again.

We hope these tips and strategies help you have productive conversations with your partner, so that you can both get on the same page and so YOU can get your needs met in your relationship!

Sincerely,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby and Dr. Robert Navarra

PS: Dr Navarra and I discuss a number of resources and websites. Here are the links in case you want to follow up on anything you heard:

 

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How to Get Your Needs Met in a Relationship

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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How to Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up

How to Solve Relationship Problems Without Breaking Up

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Every Couple Goes Through Hard Times.

 

 

Has your relationship been feeling hard lately? Arguing, bickering, sullen silences, critical comments, and rampant invalidation? If so, you’re not alone. Virtually every couple has gone through rough patches like these where things feel challenging: Frustrating, hurtful, angering, and stressful.

 

When your relationship is in a fragile place, even the most innocent comments or situations can trigger a conflict and it feels like a new fight is always simmering just under the surface. Even when you try to have fun together, it quickly goes off the rails. You might even start avoiding each other in order to prevent a new disagreement.

 

Relationship problems like these are exhausting, but mentally and emotionally draining too. Your relationship should be a source of comfort and support, not one of stress and anxiety. If you’re normal, at a certain point, it starts to feel unsustainable to keep going as you have been, and start searching for solutions. You may even start entertaining the “final solution” of breaking up or getting divorced.

 

Can This Relationship Be Saved?

 

If your relationship has been having problems for a while, you may be feeling helpless about how to save your relationship, and worried that things might not work out between the two of you. It is normal to wonder if this relationship can be saved. Of course, this is a scary place to be in, particularly if you really want a relationship to work. But it’s true: When you’ve been trying over and over again to communicate and solve the problems in your relationship and it’s not working… everyone starts to wonder if this is the end of the road for their relationship.

 

When relationship problems persist and nothing seems to help, it’s normal to start to doubt your compatibility, or think that you and your partner are just too different in your values or personalities. You may be wondering if your partner CAN learn how to communicate, or whether they are even willing to work with you to make the marriage or relationship better. You might think about trying marriage counseling or couples therapy, but then think, “How would a marriage counselor saying what I’ve been saying have any impact at all? What’s the point of marriage counseling when they refuse to change?”

 

While this mindset is absolutely normal and natural, if it’s indulged for too long it’s likely to end in divorce or a break up. Why? Because you’re convincing yourself that nothing can be done, and in doing so, may be closing yourself off to solutions. I’m here to tell you that you may have more options than you currently realize.

 

Thinking About Leaving Your Relationship? Not So Fast…

 

If you’ve been feeling badly in your relationship for a while, you might even be harboring escape fantasies: Browsing online for apartments, thinking about what you’d say to the kids, and what your life might look like if you’re finally free of the relationship that’s been feeling so frustrating and hurtful. It can start to seem like divorce or leaving is the only option.

But that is rarely the case. Just because what you have been doing hasn’t worked, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a path forward that will work. (It just might look different than you were anticipating).

 

As a marriage counselor, I know first hand that some relationships cannot be saved. However, many more can. And, sadly, most of the time people get divorced because they don’t know how to resolve the problems in their relationship, and lose hope that things can ever get better. However, it is very rare that evidence-based couples counseling doesn’t work when two people care enough about their relationship to try (and are given the right tools and supports to be successful).

 

Consider this: Even if you do divorce, and form a new relationship with a new person, chances are that sooner or later you’ll arrive in a similar place — feeling frustrated by your relationship, and at a cross roads where you either grow together or grow apart. (Read: Why Your Relationship is Worth Saving)

 

It’s easy to start creating a narrative about how “things shouldn’t be this hard” or “this is not normal.” The truth is that unless this is a genuinely toxic or abusive relationship, all normal couples go through times just like this. You’re normal. I dare you to find one person who’s been married or partnered for more than about 4 years who has not, at some point, felt exactly the way you do.

 

There is hope for your relationship: Couples, with the right support, can grow together and not just resolve their problems but come out the other side being stronger, happier and genuinely more satisfied with their relationships — not in spite of going through the hard times, but because of them.

 

Learning How to Grow, Together

 

When couples inevitably get to the point where communication has broken down, and resentments build up… they have the opportunity to do some serious growth work together. Through this process, you have the chance to be understood, cared for, heard, and respected by each other. You also get the chance to solve problems together as a couple, and work together to build the type of life and relationship that you want.

Without going through the hard times, you wouldn’t have the opportunity or motivation to get really real and embrace the challenge of growth that your marriage requires.

 

How to Save Your Relationship, When It Feels Like It’s On The Brink

 

There is a path forward, that can bring you two back together again. It’s actually fairly simple (but not easy).

Listen to this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast for advice from a marriage counselor for how you can get your relationship back on track.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

 

 

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How to Save Your Relationship Without Breaking Up

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Ways Your Relationship Changes After You Get Engaged

Ways Your Relationship Changes After You Get Engaged

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Deepening and Growing, Together.

 

Although many people say, “marriage is just a piece of paper that doesn’t really change a relationship,” as a premarital counselor (and long married person) I often smile to myself when I hear this. What I’ve found to be true is that becoming engaged to marry most definitely does change a relationship, often in positive ways. Engagement also affords thoughtful couples opportunities to build their relationship’s strengths, as well as take proactive action to prevent possible relationship problems in the future.

How Do Relationships Change After You’re Engaged?

  • A Deeper Sense of Security: When couples become engaged, they often shift psychologically into a cognitive and emotional state that can be summed up by the phrases, “I choose you,” and “You choose me.” This security allows people to feel emotionally safer with each other, leading to greater authenticity, vulnerability and mutual understanding.

 

 

  • A Stronger Sense of “We”: As couples commit to marriage, they are committing to each other. They are creating a new family together, an “us” that is greater than the sum of its parts. This can shift the emotional dynamics of a relationship from those of two competing individuals to a shared mindset of being in the same boat. People can become more generous with each other as their sense of being together through thick and thin grows.

 

  • Shared Hopes and Dreams: As couples move from dating to marriage, they enter a new phase of the relationship where they are considering each other as life partners as opposed to simply enjoyable companions. This provides opportunities to talk about their life goals, the things that are most important to them, and what they’d like their shared life to be about. Cultivating a shared sense of mission together can deepen connection and foster increased emotional understanding, as well as support.

 

The positive relationship changes that happen once you become engaged can surprise even couples who have been dating for a long time. Even couples who have been cohabitating without a formal commitment can experience a dramatic shift in the emotional climate of their relationship once they become engaged. Particularly in the midst of a cultural zeitgeist where young people are as likely to move in together due to convenience or financial reasons, casual cohabitation can breed anxiety or insecurity about the true state of the relationship. Crossing from cohabitation to engagement can ease anxieties about where each person stands with the other emotionally.

Becoming Engaged = New Opportunities For Growth

While many couples experience a positive lift in their relationship due to a strengthened sense of security with each other, a sense of increased closeness, and a commitment to each other, becoming engaged can also usher in a new period of growth for a couple. Why? Because moving to the next level in a relationship can throw areas where there are differences or irritations into stark relief when the timeline of a relationship shifts from “now” to “the rest of my life.”

As couples start thinking more seriously about their relationship, their marriage, and their shared future together, wise couples realize that there are things to sort out. This is always true. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. No couple is ever in alignment about everything, and that’s why getting engaged so often ushers in an exciting time of growth and change for couples in advance of their wedding as couples work together to figure out how to be even better partners for each other.

Even planning a wedding together can become a vehicle for growth. Consider that  planning a wedding becomes the canvas on which each partner’s personality and values are displayed for better or for worse. Power struggles, clashes around what’s important and what’s not, or similarities and areas of mutual cooperation can (and do) come into clearer focus. This gives couples the chance to map out their strengths as well as their growth opportunities. As they communicate and compromise about aspects of their wedding, they are laying the groundwork for a mutually respectful marriage (or, giving them both helpful information about aspects of their relationship they need to work on).

In addition to the opportunities afforded to people by planning a wedding, becoming engaged often compels couples to evaluate each other more thoroughly as conversations about values, dreams and “what I want my / our life together to be about” naturally happen. This, combined with more authenticity, more communication, and more real-life issues to address gives people a deeper understanding about who each other really is, and what is most important. They now, as a couple, have opportunities to improve their relationship on many levels, including the way they communicate, how they work as a team, how they support each other despite having differences, how they practice unconditional love and acceptance, and more. Smart couples do this work in premarital counseling in advance of their marriage in order to resolve potential problems before they start.  This helps set a couple up for a long, happy marriage (instead of a short and frustrating one).

Advice From a Premarital Counselor

Here at Growing Self, we’re big believers that high quality premarital counseling makes a huge difference in the trajectory of a marriage. [Read: Why Premarital Counseling Can Make or Break a Marriage]. Premarital counseling gives couples an opportunity to consider things that were not relevant in their dating relationship, but will be very significant once they are married, including finances, how they discuss emotionally charged topics, family relationships, shared goals and dreams, how they solve practical problems together, negotiating roles and expectations, and more.

On this edition of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m speaking with expert premarital counselor Rachel Harder about the changes that happen in a relationship once couples get engaged, plus the skills and strategies that she teaches her premarital couples to help set them up for success. If you’re recently engaged listen to our interview to hear about the most important domains of your relationship to focus on in order to build the foundation for a happy, successful and satisfying marriage.

And, CONGRATULATIONS!

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, LMFT and Rachel Harder, M.A., LMFT-C

PS: Here’s the link to the premarital counseling class Rachel and I were discussing : Lifetime of Love Premarital and Relationship Class

 

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Ways Your Relationship Changes After You Get Engaged

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Building Better Relationships

Building Better Relationships

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Communication & Relationship Skills To Make Your Good Relationships Great

 
Building Better Relationships: Have you ever left relationship books laying around, or put a relationship podcast on hoping that a certain someone may reflect on their own behavior and be a better partner or friend for you? Have you ever dropped a hint (or SEVEN) to a coworker, boss, or friend about how you feel in your relationship with them, and how you hope they might change?
 
So often, we feel helpless around how to improve our relationships, because we feel like the quality of our relationships depends on what OTHER people are doing or not doing. Relationships are frustrating when it feels like people aren’t communicating well with you, or aren’t meeting your needs, or respecting your boundaries, or are just being plain annoying.
 
It is totally natural and normal to think that our relationships would be better if only the other person got it together. (And hey, that would be much easier! I hear you!) However, needing the other person to be the change you wish to see in your relationships is not just frustrating, it’s disempowering. If you believe that having better relationships are all about how to get someone else to change it deprives you of the ability to actively build better relationships, and leads to a cycle of hurt and resentment.
 
Not knowing how to improve our relationships can lead to feelings of disappointment, resentment, and frustration. When relationship problems go on for too long, these feelings can begin to erode the fabric of our relationships. Hurt and resentment can lead to conflict in our relationships, or even worse, lead us to withdraw.
 
You don’t have to struggle with frustrating or disappointing relationships. There is an empowering path forward, and a way to build better relationships. A way YOU control.
 

Improve Your Relationships, Improve Your Life

 
You deserve to have fantastic relationships. You deserve to feel loved and cared for. You deserve to have your friends, family and partner show up for you. Our relationships — particularly the quality of our relationships — can be the single greatest source of happiness… or pain, anxiety and frustration. Building better relationships with your family, your friends, your coworkers, and your partner can be one of the most powerful strategies to improve your mood, self esteem, and overall happiness and life satisfaction.
 
Research shows that happiness is strongly correlated with the quality of your relationships. (As does health, and longevity for that matter.) The key to building better relationships with everyone starts with you: YOUR ability to communicate, to listen, to be assertive, to handle conflict, to manage your emotions, and to understand others. In short, your soft skills.
 

What Are Soft Skills and Why Are They So Important?

 
This may sound counter-intuitive, but by focusing on your own “soft skills” you can transform your relationships single-handedly. What are soft skills, and why are they so important? Soft skills are communication and relationship skills that contribute to high-quality, harmonious relationships.
 
Soft skills are vital to success in the workplace, happy, healthy marriages, and fulfilling, supportive relationships with friends and family. As a matter of fact “soft skills” are tied for first place with creativity, for the most important qualities that employers are looking for. But aside from your ability to get ahead in your career, investing in improving soft skills can lead to immense rewards in every area of your life. Why? Because although you cannot change others, you can change the way that people respond to you through developing excellent communication and relationship skills.
 

Building Better Relationships: It’s All About Empowering YOU

 
So today, on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m taking to my colleague (and relationship expert) Kathleen Carroll-Stutts. Kathleen is a life coach, individual therapist and couples counselor here on the team at Growing Self. She is the facilitator of our Online Relationship Skills Group, and is here today to share her system for how to develop yourself so that you can build better relationships with the most important people in your life.
 
Whether you’re hoping to have better relationships with your coworkers, wanting to heal rifts with your family, develop more close friendships, if you want to get better results in dating, or have a better relationship with your partner, you get some ideas about the communication skills and relationship skills that will empower you to get better results with other people.
 

How To Improve Your Communication Skills

 
Listen to our interview to learn how to develop the communication skills and relationship skills that can help you build better relationships. Specifically:
 

Foundational Relationship Skills

  • Self awareness – How understanding yourself, your needs, your feelings and your personal values can help you build better relationships with others.
  • Emotional regulation – How being able to manage your feelings can help you communicate more effectively in relationships.
  • Self respect – How having healthy self-esteem and self-love helps you have stronger and more authentic relationships.
  • Assertiveness – How to develop your voice and your truth in order to communicate your needs, rights and feelings to others.

Intermediate Relationship Skills

  • How to improve your communication skills by cultivating both self-expression skills as well as listening skills.
  • Setting boundaries – How to set appropriate and healthy limits with others.
  • How to manage conflict.

Advanced Communication Skills and Relationship Skills

  • Identifying our triggers – How to use our self-awareness, self-respect, and communication skills to avoid situations that would be bad for us and bad for our relationships.
  • Empathy – Learning how to understand the needs, rights, feelings and perspectives of others, and how to use that awareness to improve communication and build better relationships.
  • How to cope with relationship challenges including dealing with toxic people, how to deal with criticism, and what to do with bullies.

 

We sincerely hope that this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast helps to give you some direction for building better relationships in your life!

xo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby and Kathleen Carroll Stutts, M. Ed., LPC

 

Resources:
 
Personality Test: Enneagrams
 
 

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Building Better Relationships

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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Advice From a Life Coach: How to Make Changes Stick

Advice From a Life Coach: How to Make Changes Stick

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Tips and Tools To Keep You On Track

 

Here we are, just a week into the new year. If you’re like many people, your track record on those resolutions may already be spotty. Or perhaps you’ve tossed the whole plan out the window already. Let’s face it: It’s hard to make new habits stick.

Here’s some advice from an experienced therapist and life coach:  Making changes is not about doing the thing perfectly every time. You don’t just hop in a car, point the steering wheel in the general direction of the grocery store, and then expect to get there do you? Of course not. From the moment you pull out of the driveway you’re turning, speeding up, slowing down, taking detours, stopping for gas — you adjust and flex the whole way there.

Likewise, real and lasting change is not about setting your sights on a distant goal and then beaming yourself there in a straight line. Actually doing things involves making mistakes (lots of mistakes, friends)  learning from those mistakes, and then using that new information to course-correct your way to success.

BUT. That’s not to say that it isn’t helpful to have tools and strategies to help you along the way. Just like you use your handy Google Map App to get you from A-Z, there are many useful tricks and life-hacks to make doing what you want to do easier than it would be if you just wandered out without a map.

Particularly if your goals for the new year involve creating a new keystone habit, and making it stick, there’s an easy way and a hard way. Here at Growing Self, we’re all about making growth and success as simple and painless as possible. So, here’s a bonus episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast to support you on your journey.

I’ll be discussing:

  • Useful apps and practical strategies to keep you on track
  • Psychological strategies to keep you motivated.
  • The mindsets that will lead you towards success… and the ones that will send you skidding off the rails
    •  

You can do this!

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

PS: As promised on the podcast, here are the links to some of the resources I discussed:

  • Finances – https://www.everydollar.com/
  • Weight Loss – https://www.noom.com/ & https://www.weightwatchers.com
  • Fitness – https://lp.dailyburn.com/201701/index.html
  • Time Management: https://fullfocusplanner.com/
  • Original Habit Trackers: https://bit.ly/2VuiN8y & https://bit.ly/2FdFSaG

 

 

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Advice From a Life Coach: How to Make Changes Stick

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

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