Subscribe to The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast
How to Be More Assertive in Relationships
Assertiveness falls between the extremes of aggression and passivity, finding a balanced middle ground. It is a skill that empowers us to care for ourselves while also respecting the rights of others. The purpose of assertiveness is not to control or influence others, but to honor one’s basic rights in a respectful manner.
In my work with therapy and coaching clients, I find that people can struggle with assertiveness for a few reasons.
The first is having misconceptions about what it means to be assertive. It’s not uncommon for people to confuse assertiveness with aggression, entitlement, or selfishness. The fear of being perceived negatively can make it hard to set healthy boundaries, especially for people with people-pleasing tendencies. In reality, good, kind people set healthy boundaries with others.
Some people find it hard to be assertive in relationships because they didn’t grow up with assertive role models. They may not know what it would even look like to be assertive in certain situations.
Finally, sometimes people fear the potential negative consequences of being assertive. They may be afraid of conflict, rejection, or disappointing people they care about if they express their needs assertively.
Despite these challenges, it’s important to learn how to express yourself assertively. It allows you to identify healthy relationships, and weed out relationships that might not be so healthy. It empowers you to care for yourself, while having the best shot at keeping your relationships with others healthy and strong.
The benefits of being assertive:
Here are just a few of the benefits you can enjoy when you master assertive communication:
- Increased self-esteem: When you are in the habit of standing up for yourself with kindness and respect for others, it boosts your self-esteem.
- Respect from others: Sometimes we have to show people how we want to be treated. By learning to be assertive, you demonstrate self-respect, which leads to receiving respect from others.
- Clearer communication: Habits like people pleasing and conflict avoidance lead to some unclear communication patterns. If you struggle to be assertive, you may say things you don’t mean, shut down in conflict, or act out in passive aggressive ways. All of this can strain your relationships.
- Opportunities for personal and relational growth: Becoming more assertive can lead to so much personal growth. It also helps you grow stronger, more authentic relationships with others. When you’re assertive, you allow other people to know the real you, which builds trust and emotional intimacy.
- Feeling better: Becoming more assertive can bring relief from feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, and inadequacy.
- Getting what you want: It’s hard to get your needs met in relationships when you don’t know how to express those needs clearly and directly. Assertiveness helps you get what you want by asking for what you want.
Greater sense of peace and control: Finally, becoming more assertive can help you feel more at ease and in control. It empowers you to do what’s best for you, rather than feeling like you “have” to do things you don’t want to do.
Grow Together
Schedule a Free Consultation Today.
How to Be More Assertive: Practical Steps
So, what practical steps can you take to start becoming more assertive in your relationships? Here are the top tips that I share with my clients:
- Learn About Your Basic Rights
Familiarize yourself with your basic rights as a human being. You have the right to autonomy, safety, self-expression, dignity, and more. Understanding what you are entitled to can give you a foundation for communicating your boundaries assertively.
- Distinguish Healthy Boundaries
Differentiate between assertive boundary setting and “toxic” boundaries. Healthy boundaries empower and protect, while toxic boundaries can feel controlling and can harm relationships.
- Accept Discomfort
Being assertive doesn’t always feel comfy, for anyone. Accepting that you will sometimes feel uncomfortable is an important step in learning how to be more assertive.
- Develop Self-Soothing Tools
Learning self-soothing techniques can help you manage the discomfort and anxiety that may come up as you practice assertiveness. This may include mindfulness, deep breathing, or other calming practices. A good therapist can help you practice new strategies to regulate yourself during difficult moments.
- Understand the Anatomy of Assertive Boundaries
Learn about assertive boundaries and familiarize yourself with assertiveness scripts. Having a toolkit of communication skills can help you find the words to express yourself assertively.
- Be Prepared for Different Responses
Accept that others may not always respond as you hope when you assert yourself, especially if they’re used to you being fairly passive in the relationship. Trust yourself to navigate whatever reactions come up.
- Practice Regularly
Finally, practice, practice, practice. Being assertive feels easier the more you do it, so don’t give up!
Support for Assertive Communication
I hope this article gave you some useful information about how to become more assertive. I know that putting these ideas into practice can be challenging, but with consistency, you can learn to set healthy boundaries and feel more at-ease in your relationships with others.
And if you would like my support with developing assertiveness skills and increasing your self-esteem, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
Sincerely,
Sources
- Omura M, Levett-Jones T, Stone TE. Evaluating the impact of an assertiveness communication training programme for Japanese nursing students: A quasi-experimental study. Nurs Open. 2018 Dec 9;6(2):463-472. doi: 10.1002/nop2.228. PMID: 30918697; PMCID: PMC6419109. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6419109/
- Empathy and Assertive Communication. https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED199793
The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast
Subscribe to The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast
Share
Marriage Counseling Questions | Couples Therapy Questions
How To Find a Marriage Counselor
Not all marriage counselors are the same. Getting involved with a bad one can be a disaster. Here’s how to find a good marriage counselor…
Do We Need Marriage Counseling?
Was that just a yucky fight? Or is your relationship really in trouble? Here’s how to tell when it’s time for marriage counseling.
Relationship Coaching vs. Couples Therapy
What’s the difference between relationship coaching and couples therapy? Learn about both approaches, and which is right for you.
Pre Marriage Counseling
Couples counseling before marriage is not the same thing as premarital counseling. Many couples need to grow together before they can move forward. Learn more…
Relationship Coaching vs. Couples Therapy
What’s the difference between relationship coaching and couples therapy? Learn about both approaches, and which is right for you.
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
Marriage counseling works, but how? Learn how marriage counseling works, and how the process can help you grow, together.
How Long Should Marriage Counseling Take?
You shouldn’t be in marriage counseling for years. Learn how effective, evidence based marriage counseling takes.
How Much Does Marriage Counseling Cost?
Getting expert help for your marriage can be the best, most life-changing decision you ever make. Excellent marriage counseling is also surprisingly affordable.
Does Couples Therapy Work?
Couples who successfully work though rough patches come out stronger than ever before. If you’re wondering, “Does couples therapy work?” read this article for the inside scoop.
Can We Do Marriage Counseling Online?
Online marriage counseling can be incredibly convenient and effective. But it’s not appropriate for everyone. Learn when online marriage counseling is a bad idea…
Discernment Counseling For Couples
Before marriage counseling can work, both partners need to want it to work. Discernment counseling helps you resolve ambivalence, and get clarity.
Can You Do Long Distance Couples Therapy?
Yes, we provide counseling for long-distance couples from all over the world through three-way video call.
Why Evidence-Based Therapy Matters
Marriage counseling can be a huge waste of time if your counselor doesn’t practice evidence-based approaches to marriage counseling. Here’s why…
Online Couples Therapy
We offer Denver couples counseling as well as online couples therapy. Learn about our online couples therapy services.
Help Someone Get Help
If you have a loved one who is struggling in their relationship, you can help them get help by “gifting” marriage counseling sessions. Here’s how…
Relationship Advice
If you’re looking for quick relationship advice rather than a transformational growth experience, you can have a one-time “solution session” with an expert relationship coach.
The Best Marriage Counseling
Curious to hear what others have to say about their experience with “the best marriage counselor?” Read their stories…
Meet Our Relationship Experts
Growing Self relationship experts have specialized training and experience in effective, evidence-based approaches to couples therapy, marriage counseling, and relationship coaching. Meet our team…
More Questions? Let’s Talk.
We’re available by phone, email and chat, and happy to answer any of your questions personally. Get in touch, anytime.
Start Marriage Counseling
Ready to begin marriage counseling at Growing Self? The first step is to have a free consultation meeting with the marriage counselor of your choice to make sure it feels like a good fit. Request an appointment.
Does Insurance Cover Marriage Counseling?
Insurance can cover marriage counseling, but only sometimes. Learn when insurance covers marriage counseling, and how to avoid the risks.