Self-Limiting Beliefs

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby: That is Julian St. Nightmare with Gaga, kinda reminds me of old Bauhaus, but better. I like it. I love to do a Halloween-themed episode every year, not just because it gives me an excuse to resurrect old gothy music or new gothy music. But because, I don’t know this time of year, it’s just like an invitation for you and I to dive in to some deeper, even darker, aspects of the human psyche together. 

Today, we’re talking about something incredibly important for all of us, which is the devil inside. Yes, friends, self-limiting beliefs, and the havoc they can wreak on our lives, and how to manage them successfully so that they are no longer obstacles in your way. That’s what we’re doing together on today’s episode of the podcast. I’m so excited to talk about this because unchallenged self-limiting beliefs are a major problem for a lot of people. So my hope is that by the end of today’s show, you’ll get some clarity, perhaps even some insight into your own self-limiting beliefs and also some strategies for how to work with them. 

If this is your first time listening to the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I’m so glad you’re here. I am Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby. I am the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching, which is a group practice with all kinds of extremely cool people. We have so much fun together. We do marriage counseling, relationship coaching, individual therapy, life coaching, and career coaching. Hence, Love, Happiness and Success. 

Every week I’m here in your ear, talking about hopefully helpful ideas and tips and strategies that can help you, support you rather, I should say, on the path of creating love, happiness, and success in your life. So I always want to talk about you and what is important to you. If you have questions for me or topic ideas for the show, please get in touch. You can track me down at growingself.com, on Instagram at drlisamariebobby. You can even send an old-fashioned email. You can even call us on the phone. Heck, we do answer the phone. So get in touch, let me know what’s going on and what you’d like to hear about on the podcast. And thank you for being here today. 

Why It’s Important to Be Aware of Your Self-Limiting Beliefs

Let’s dive into this juicy topic of self-limiting beliefs. First of all, we need to talk about why it is so important to be aware of your self-limiting beliefs. I’ve been a therapist for a long time, a coach, I have also been a human, and like seeing this at work in my own life, and what I have seen time and time again, is that the number one biggest obstacle for people that they really struggle to overcome on their path of personal growth or positive change or improving their relationship or pivoting in their career are not their external circumstances. 

Although things going on in our lives can be objectively challenging and very real, a much bigger issue for most people are the beliefs that they carry in the sight of themselves about who they are, and what is possible for them. And if the beliefs they’re carrying are negative, or pessimistic, or tell themselves that they can’t do it, or it isn’t going to work if they try, or these are all the reasons why it’s not gonna work out, they will never experiment. They won’t take risks. They won’t try to create positive change because they don’t believe it’s possible. Because of that, they remain very, very stuck in these old ways of being that are no longer serving them and also can feel like they are just surrounded by obstacles just hemmed in by a fence on all sides, not because they always are in reality, but because their self-limiting beliefs tell them they are. So that is what they experience. 

A lot of the work that I find myself doing with clients over and over and over again is helping them identify these self-limiting beliefs. Just even knowing that they’re there is work because they feel true, right? These ideas that we’re all carrying around like the world and us they just, they feel like the truth. But so to realize them, and then also learn how to understand them, and then work with them a little bit differently. It is challenging work. But when people are able to set aside or kind of shift some of those beliefs or incorporate new beliefs, all of a sudden, things that felt so hard, feel much easier than when it had felt like there’s walls and obstacles all around you. All of a sudden, there’s a path forward. And it’s really amazing to watch that happen. 

That is my hope for you because the alternative is just so awful. If we do not believe that we can create better outcomes, or if we have all of the list of reasons why things won’t work, we don’t try. Instead, we just feel paralyzed. We feel stuck. Things feel hard. There is no path forward. And again, not because there is truly, literally no path forward but because of that devil inside, the story, we’re telling ourselves and the self-limiting beliefs that go unchallenged. So it’s a very real issue. And if you’re on the path of growth, it has to be dealt with, sooner or later. We all carry these things. 

I’m glad we’re here together today. I wanted to subtitle this episode, “the devil inside” because that is often, not like you’re actually possessed by a demon, but that’s kind of what it feels like when people first start becoming aware of self-limiting beliefs and this internal dialogue in their mind. Sometimes, I’ve had clients who are almost horrified when they’re able to really understand the way that they have been talking to themselves, this inner narrative is quite toxic. It’s mean to them. It’s telling them about all of the reasons why things won’t work, or why they’re not good enough, or that they can’t trust people, or bad things always happen. And it really can be very damaging. 

Again, it’s a beautiful thing when people can understand what is happening because it is often subconscious. It is unconscious. Again, if we don’t fully understand when something is happening, we do not have any opportunity to change it because you don’t know it’s there. It makes you feel bad. It influences your behaviors, but it’s like this invisible force in our lives. Understanding what our filter is, what our personal narrative is, what that voice is, is really like three-quarters of the battle.

On the bright side, it is a battle that is winnable, not sure if that’s a word, but you can be victorious over self-limiting ideas and beliefs and self-criticism when you are able to shift into a more supportive relationship with yourself and very intentionally create a more helpful and supportive inner narrative, a more personal narrative that has hope, an inner dialogue that is more positive or more helpful, but again, like more compassionate towards you. 

I don’t want to lead you to believe that the opposite of self-limiting beliefs or difficult inner critic is swapping that out with a bunch of positive thoughts because that’s not always helpful. What is always helpful is having a different kind of relationship with yourself, a relationship that’s based on honesty, but also authenticity, and compassion, and compassionate support, but also reality-based support. We have to start being a little bit skeptical of our thoughts to make this happen. 

What Are Limiting Beliefs?

Let’s go into this a little bit more deeply. What are limiting beliefs? What does this look like in someone’s life? I think that it can be helpful to think about… I think it’s easier to see in other people sometimes than it is in ourselves. An example, and you might know somebody like this in your own life, but I know a person, mid-career creative type who had an opportunity to take a year away from their full-time job and focus entirely on their art. It’s amazing. Maybe they could start a new business or do some freelance artwork. They actually had been doing some freelance design work that they had already had some success with. So, not outside the realm of possibility, but really this opportunity to live this, lifetime dream of living as an artist, and just being able to make art every day. That’s like the holy grail for a lot of creatives. Right? 

They were given this opportunity and lined everything up, financially. They would be okay, objectively. Everything was alright, and they finally had time and space to pursue their art and just see what happened. And then, mentally, basically set themselves on fire, just torturing themselves with these self-limiting beliefs around, “I can’t do this. I’m not talented enough. I don’t have the right skills. This is a super competitive industry. There are so many people just like me. They’re probably more talented than I am. I’m mediocre.”

Also, telling themselves stories about how difficult it is to get this kind of freelance work: “I’ll be rejected. Oh, these people don’t want to hear from me. They have hundreds of pitches all the time. I’m just another person bothering them.” But also going into: “I ruined my life. What did I do by taking this time off? This was terrible. My former coworkers are going to hate me. What was I thinking that I could even do this? I just ruined my career for nothing.” 

It’s really bad, just this monologue of just really negative self-limiting beliefs, negative self-talk, self-criticism to the point where it paralyzed this person. They had this really cool opportunity to live the dream, but so bound up by what they are telling themselves about the situation, that not only can they not do any creative work, but it’s just totally stuck of like, “Should I go back to my job? Should I try?” Just feeling so bad, not even being able to try to take some time and see what might be possible. I mean, it’s just awful. 

I think on some level, we can all relate to that, maybe not in such a clear and dramatic example, but moments in our own lives when we’ve had chances or looking back could have done something, and we didn’t. That’s often why is because of what we were telling ourselves about this situation. It is very inhibiting. It creates paralysis. We don’t take action when we have that going on. 

Self-limiting ideas can show up in a lot of other ways. Certainly, when we have opportunities to try things or take chances, that’s when self-limiting ideas can be activated, but even day-to-day, around our expectations for who we should be and how we compare to others. It’s often some variation of this quite subconscious, but the narrative is, “I need to be perfect. I need to not make mistakes. I need to have all of these friends, or successes, or things going on in my life, or personality, just like, all of these things.” And any kind of anything, almost, can be interpreted as a failure or not quite good enough. “Somebody else is doing it better. I didn’t get the results that I wanted; therefore, I suck.” 

When you go into the core of self-esteem, which we have talked about on other podcasts, you can go back in my feed and look at look for some of the self-esteem-related podcasts that I’ve put together for you. But really, that is at the core of low self-esteem are these highly negative self-limiting beliefs about who you are and how that compares to what those self-limiting beliefs tell you you should be. And it’s so tricky. This is what really messes people up is that in these situations, self-limiting beliefs that tell you that you should be different, you should be better, you should be more, you should be… At the core of it, the message is, “Cuz you’re not good enough the way you are now.” Right? But they’re sort of this frenemy. 

You have this voice in your head that’s telling you that you should be better or that you could be better. It’s like this weird mean-girl thing because it almost sounds good. It sounds like somebody is encouraging you to be better, to grow, to work on self-improvement, to attain these personal goals, right? It’s easy to get tricked into believing that it’s helpful to you, that it’s motivating you in some ways. Sometimes, that is also one of the very sneaky, self-limiting beliefs that people are carrying without even realizing it is this idea that “Me beating myself up and criticizing myself is actually helping me. If I stop doing that, I’ll stop moving forward. I won’t be motivated. I won’t even try if I stopped screaming at myself on the inside. I have to do this or otherwise, I will definitely be a failure.” It’s like having this “friend” that’s super mean to you. But it’s like your only friend. And somehow you’ve gotten tricked into believing that it’s here to help you. 

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

I am here to tell you that it isn’t helping you. It is actually impairing growth. Because being self-critical, it’s like having this bully, this abusive thing that lives in your mind. It’s always putting you down. It’s beating you up for not making mistakes or making mistakes. It tells you that you’re wrong when you’re too vulnerable. It tells you that you’re wrong when you’re not vulnerable enough. Anything you try, it’s wrong. Other people are better than you. You don’t know what you’re doing. It’s never gonna work out. If you’ve ever listened to other podcasts of mine, you’ll know that this kind of internal hostility is essentially the opposite of what is necessary for growth, which is emotional safety. 

Growth is fertilized, it is cultivated through the opposite of self-criticism, which is self-compassion, and being able to support yourself in difficult moments, and understand compassionately why you do the things that you do, and honor your feelings, and your needs, and your rights. That kind of internal emotional safety fosters a growth mindset that allows you to try things, and take chances, and get up and dust yourself off, and say, “Okay, what did I learn from that? I’m going to try this again.” It’s like having this internal supportive coach, or a parent, or a real friend that is able to love you, and care about you, and encourage you, even if you make mistakes along the way. 

It’s the voice that reminds you that that is actually how people learn, is by trying things and putting yourself out there. “What happened when I did this, and what can I learn? How do I support my growth, instead of beating myself up and feeling terrible every time I put my little head out and try something different, or feeling like I should already know this? Therefore, I’m not going to read a book or listen to a podcast. Because what’s wrong with me that I don’t know how to do this already, everybody else knows how to do this?” It’s really just not helpful. 

If growth, I’d like you to imagine it’s like this little, little leaf unfurling itself in the sun, right? It has roots in fertile soil. It requires warmth, and sunlight, and support, and hope. This kind of inner hatred, this mean-girl self-limiting belief thing is exactly the opposite of that. It’s like walking up to that little leaf and just spraying it with bleach, or round up, or some kind of toxic, whatever horrible chemical kills plants. That’s the internal effect of really negative self-limiting beliefs on growth. It impedes growth. Because of that, that is why our self-limiting beliefs make it really impossible to move forward or to grow while they’re active. 

Because when you have this list of really powerful, unchallenged, or subconscious, self-limiting beliefs, you will, A, feel like you’re incapable of doing anything anyway. So what’s the point? Or you will talk yourself out of everything. You will have all of these reasons why things won’t work. “Oh, I tried that before that didn’t work. I can’t do that. It’s going to be futile to try. Or it isn’t going to end well. Or these are all the rules I have in my head about what needs to be happening for X, Y, Z to happen.” 

Sometimes, you might have non-ideal outcomes. That is a thing. When you have self-limiting beliefs, you will never find out what might have happened because you already know that it won’t work. “Why bother trying? I’m not good enough. I can’t do that.” And so these beliefs will just create so many obstacles, and hurdles, and rules, and complications, and things just feel so darn hard that people give up. They just feel so painted into a corner. “I guess this is my life.” Even though they want more, it’s this inner experience that is just truly, truly limiting. 

The Power of Belief

The other piece here, though, that’s important is that these kinds of ideas do not just make us feel badly about ourselves or destroy our ability to grow or create change. They also impact our relationships. When we have self-limiting beliefs, they are terrible for relationships because these beliefs will tell us that we are not worthy or lovable, which can make us feel very anxious about whether or not we’re being loved and hyper-vigilant about what our partner is doing or not doing and what that means about us and their relationship with us. Or it can make us do other kinds of weird things, like reject other people before they reject us because they’re going to. We’ve all seen that play out in people’s lives. 

These self-fulfilling beliefs about ourselves, and what to expect in relationships can really become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We either wind up getting super reactive and strangling relationships to death, or we reject people and are so self-protective and avoidant that we don’t even give people a chance. More on the subject, if you’d like to cruise back and listen to a podcast that I did a while ago about trust issues, and what to do with trust issues and relationships. It’s a lot about that. In that podcast, though, I’m talking about the outcome of these self-limiting beliefs. Sometimes, to be fair, people have had legitimately traumatizing life experiences, or past experiences in relationships were really hurtful. So, that is definitely a thing that needs to be to be worked through. 

Many times though, these early experiences have become these beliefs about what I can expect from humans. And what is true about me that we can carry with us for many, many years into the future, and unexamined, unexplored, unchallenged. So we then act as if these things are true, these things that we are telling ourselves, the things that we believe are true, with sometimes devastating consequences to our relationships. So it’s very important to examine our self-limiting beliefs in the context of our relationships in order to be able to ferret some of this out, especially if your goal is to have healthy relationships. 

I also just want to add, I’m going to out myself here, but we are all vulnerable to self-limiting beliefs. We all carry them. I am not talking about other people’s self-limiting beliefs, right now. I am talking about your self-limiting beliefs. I’m talking about my self-limiting beliefs because we literally all have them. It was so interesting. I participate in a coaching group. I love coaching. I can’t get enough of it. But I thought I’d do a group coaching thing for people who have businesses like me. In this one group event, we all… There’s like five or six of us we’re sitting in a circle, a virtual circle. This was by Zoom but still was a circle. We took turns talking about a business issue, like a stressor or a pain point that we were having. 

We talk about the issue, and then everybody had the opportunity to get feedback from the group. This is a group of really, quite successful business people, people who really had a lot of good ideas and good guidance. And it was so interesting. Because every single person, I was one of the last ones, but I watched every single person talk about a problem they were facing, and the things they tried, and all these things that didn’t work. And then, the group gave feedback. Every single person was like, “Yeah, but here’s why that won’t work.” Or, “Well, but with our system, here’s what we do.” It was so interesting because they were all getting really good advice. And I just sat there watching this process. 

It was like every person actively repelling really good advice. And I realized, it was because they were clinging to these ideas about the way things should be, ideas about what was possible, and what was not possible. They had already pre-decided the outcomes of trying different things and had all these reasons why they didn’t work. It was just fascinating. 

For one person, it was like, “Well, this is what we look for in an employee.” After, he’d been spending quite a bit of time telling us about the struggles that he was having hiring people, by the way. “So this is what we’re looking for.” And so, ideas about maybe different kinds of people, or different personality traits, or different characteristics. He’s like, “No, these are the kinds of people that work well in our business,” after he had just told us that it wasn’t working well in his business. So, over and over again, and it was, for all of them, rules around, “This is what it should look like. I already know what it should look like. And so this is what I’ve been trying to do. It’s not working. But this is how it should work according to my, my rules.” Right? These self-limiting ideas. 

Then the group, made its way around to me, and I told them all about my most stressful business situation, and they gave me advice. And I couldn’t even help myself. I was giving them all the reasons why that wouldn’t work in my situation. “No, my business is different. Let me tell you why.” I was like, “Ah, dang.” Could all of a sudden see it. It’s like, “I, too, had all these rules that I was carrying in me about what should be happening and what needed to happen.” They were this kind, intelligent group was trying to pry these self-limiting beliefs away from me, and I could feel myself clinging to them, even though I, on some level, knew what was happening. But thankfully, after that group, which was so interesting, I was able to take some time and journal and be like, “Yeah, they’re right.” But having those ideas challenged is difficult, but it’s important. And that’s the way it is, right? 

We all have these ideas that are just so deeply ingrained. They are baked in, and they feel so true that we can’t even see them. We’re like little fishes swimming around in tanks full of water that we have no idea is even there because it’s the water that we swim in, right? It just feels like the truth. We’re so close to these ideas that we cannot even tell that they are our truth, our specific, unique truth that is not actually true for a lot of other people. Other people can look at us and see that we’re doing something that is not in our best interests. But we’re just wrapped around these ideas. We’re intertwined with them without even realizing it. This is the power of self-limiting beliefs. I just wanted to share that because this, again, is true for everyone. We all have them. I wanted to come clean about mine, just so we can all be authentic. 

Let’s talk about this, then. Because the problem with self-limiting beliefs is that we cannot see them very easily ourselves. Figuring out how to ferret them out, like coaxing a little animal out of the cave. Who are you? That’s, again, a lot of the work. I think that that is one of the benefits of doing a group experience where you have people challenging you or having relationships with people who love you enough to be honest with you. 

Also, what can be very helpful about sometimes being in therapy, or I think, more commonly, life coaching with people like me, who have a more active approach, I don’t think it’s super helpful to just sit there and free associate to somebody who agrees with everything that you say because you don’t get that feedback. You have to have a relationship with a therapist or a coach who cares about you enough and is active enough to challenge you and say, “Really?” Not like a checked-out one who just lets you go on and on, but a good therapist, a good coach will challenge you, and sometimes, that feels uncomfortable. 

I have been in that situation. I’m like, “What do you mean I’m not 100% right about everything? How dare you?” So I know, I know. But at some point, it’s like we have to have this mirror held up to us so that we can take a look and really see what we are telling ourselves about particular situations, what we are telling ourselves about ourselves, and then have the opportunity just to think through whether or not these things are actually, factually true. I do this all the time with clients, just to help them gain that self-awareness around the beliefs that they’re holding on to because you have to know they’re there. 

Let’s talk about examples of self-limiting core beliefs. And here’s some examples of things that I have heard people say to me with absolute sincerity and straight faces. I have said some of these things, and I’m sure that you have, too. Things like, “I don’t have enough time. I can’t possibly do that.” Or “I cannot advance in my career unless I go back to school and get this very expensive degree. Impossible. There’s no other way.” “There aren’t opportunities for me to fill in the blank, meet someone, get a job, buy a house, whatever it is, in the town that I live in. Impossible. It cannot be done.” “All the good partners are taken.” Does that one resonate with any of you out there? “All the good ones are already gone. I can’t trust anyone.” There’s another good one. 

Here’s one that can sneakily mess people up: “If I find the perfect person, then I will not have a disappointing relationship.” Or “If I had the perfect job, I wouldn’t feel this way anymore.” Or “If I lived in this different place, then I would have all these different results. Everything that is not happening the way that I want it to is because of these circumstances. And if I change these circumstances, which I can’t, because let me tell you all the reasons why. But if I could, then everything would be different for me. I would feel happier.” 

If you think back to the Love Your Body podcast I did a while ago with my colleague, Stephanie, we talked a lot about that really insidious, self-limiting belief that a lot of people carry around, “I will be happy when I am a certain weight, or a certain clothing size, or when I look a certain way, or when this thing happens in my life, or when I have a partner or what. Whatever it is, then I will be happy. But until that happens, I cannot be happy.” These are really difficult beliefs to get out. And they can be big beliefs, like the ones that I shared. They can also be small beliefs that are just creating garden variety annoyances, but enough of them that it can start to feel stifling. 

I’ve talked to people, “I can’t cook if all of the dishes aren’t done and put away, and my kitchen is perfectly clean. Therefore, I never cook. Therefore, I eat microwaved burritos pretty much every day of the week.” It’s like the beliefs that are attached to why they can or can’t do things like the rules. Really, really interesting. It may be worth if you wanted to, pausing me for a second and just taking a second to scribble down any thoughts that have just popped up to you, as I’ve been sharing some of my self-limiting beliefs or some of the things that I’ve had people say. There are many, many more. We can come up with hundreds of them if we had the time. But if any come to mind, just make a note. 

How to Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs

Sometimes, many times, again, it’s not that easy to be aware of them. And that is the first step in overcoming self-limiting beliefs is that you do have to be aware of them. Step one is, “I am aware of you. I see you, self-limiting belief.” Then, that’s step two, is understanding their function. And that can be really interesting because oftentimes, these self-limiting beliefs, they seem like they’re just ridiculous when we look at them, when we can get them out in the open in the cold light of day. It’s like, “That is not true.” 

Do not underestimate the power of a self-limiting belief because they are often very, very functional. They are serving a purpose in your life that you don’t even know about yet. And that takes some exploration in order to figure out too, and not try to shut them down with some positive pep talk. But let’s say, “Okay, let’s get to know you. Why are you here? How do you make sense? Where did you come from?” Like really having a relationship with it. Because that is actually like the first step in practicing having a different kind of relationship with yourself is not being mad at yourself for having self-limiting beliefs, not being mad at that belief. 

It’s like just this much more compassionate like, “Okay, I see you. I know you’re there. How do you make sense?” It’s just like this totally different way of approaching yourself and just having respect for the fact that they have been serving a purpose. Oftentimes, they’re very protective, to be completely honest with you. So we have to do some of that work. 

Once it is making sense, then it becomes much more easy to shift into a different way of being with yourself, one that is potentially more open, more reality-based, and more empowering, moving towards that self-compassionate growth mindset that really helps you feel comfortable enough to take risks or take chances and helps you grow and develop instead of beating yourself up for it. Also, I think that really helps make you feel much more secure in relationships, which then, when you have a secure relationship that is reinforced that you are having secure relationships, and that tends to build on itself, too. 

Identifying Your Limiting Beliefs

So let’s talk first, just a little bit about that step one. How do you know they’re there?  Because it is really like luring a wild animal out of a game. So here are just a few tips to help you, like the rustle in the bushes. Like, “Oh, there’s a self-limiting belief over there.” Because again, they can be so, so easy to miss. But first of all, and this is one for me that I’m like, “Okay, self-limiting belief just got poked.” If you find yourself arguing with or getting defensive with someone who you haven’t just been complaining to about something, and they have given you advice, or “What about this? Or try to approach it this way?” And you’re like, “No, that won’t work. Here are all the reasons why that won’t work.” 

They have just poked you in a self-limiting belief of some kind. They see possibilities for you that either you can’t see or that feel impossible for you. Because why? And this is the work of figuring out what that is like, asking yourself, “What is the reason that I am so passionately convinced that this won’t work?” And I’m not saying that you have to take everybody else’s advice. Maybe it’s bad advice. Maybe it actually won’t work. But if this is a pattern for you, this is just evidence that it may be a self-limiting belief at the core. 

For me, like my business group, I shared that my problem, this pain point was just a super slow progress on this huge project that we’ve been working on internally that has taken the better part of a year. This has just been a monster. And I’ve been frustrated with it. Some of the feedback I got from my coaching group was around, maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I am trying to do too much. Maybe I’m not delegating enough, and so, took that in. But I was like, “No, it has to be really good. And let me tell you why it really, really actually needs to be really good. And let me tell you why we’re doing it this way. Because these are all the reasons why this makes sense.”

What I had so much trouble taking in was this idea that they were trying to share with me that maybe it’s not bad to have high standards. I am a recovering perfectionist. So believe it or not, I am attached to my high standards. But that, maybe all of these negative outcomes that I had been envisioning, if it wasn’t really good, if it wasn’t perfect, maybe those weren’t all realistic fears. And maybe there actually was a way to do this a little bit faster, or to do it in stages, or to kind of prioritize more important parts of the work just to get this out there, and then go back and continue working on it over time in an organized way. 

That’s what I needed to journal through because I have this core idea, this self-limiting belief that things really do have to be like to some, very, very high standard, and that it’s actually not okay for me to be slack about things or not do my very best. This would always happen to me in school. I would over-study. I would over-prepare. I would work too hard on papers. And then, I finally had to be like, “No, I am a B student. It is perfectly acceptable to get a B. I can get a B and be just fine. Lots of people get Bs.” And it helped me actually step back enough that not only did I feel less stressed out, and I got more done, I did what I thought was B-level work on my papers, and I still got A’s.

That was the thing that I had to be reminded of by this group is that when I feel like I’m doing 80, or 90% of a good job, it is actually a good job. But my core belief tells me that it is not good enough. And that makes me do extra stuff and get obsessive about things that maybe I don’t need to be doing. So that is what I needed to hear. But the initial reaction to that was a lot of like, “No, you don’t understand. Let me tell you.” 

If you notice that happening inside of you, I would just like you to note it, and then just spend some time being like, “What ideas am I so passionately defending right now? And are those actually true? What would it mean if they weren’t true, if I could actually get this project out the door much more easily than I have been telling myself is possible?” Or like the artist that I was telling you about, like, if she were to tell you about the struggles that she has, and you are to say, “You know what, this is a great opportunity. Use this time. Build up your portfolio. See about getting representation. Do some networking. Get listed on some freelancer sites,” like this is all very reasonable advice, right? 

But I imagine that she would say, “No, that will never work because I don’t know some of these new digital design programs. And that is what they’re looking for. So I am never going to get one of these jobs. So I have to go back to school and get a second master’s degree in graphic design. And that’s going to cost 10s and 1000s of dollars and several years. So thanks for the advice, but no.” That’s what she would say. When we really unpack this and look at like, okay, so, the core belief is that the way you are operating now isn’t good enough, and you need to do extensive additional education to make anything happen, this person has been quite successful without any of that, and many people in her field have been quite successful without those things. So it’s possible that success is in the realm of possibility, right? Possible possibilities.

Let’s just take a look about function for a second. Because if that were true, if she could actually just start making her art, and putting herself out there, and seeing what would happen, that would be incredibly vulnerable. I think me overdoing things is also managing my anxiety about not quite being good enough, right? If I put something major out the door that I feel is like 80 or 90% good enough, I have all this anxiety about, “Oh, it’s not good enough.” So, me, like, “No, it has to be better,” I am protecting myself in those moments. I am obstructing all possible progress, but I am making myself feel better. 

There’s an emotional function for these things. It’s often around vulnerability, anxiety. There’s this very protective function to a lot of our self-limiting internal beliefs. So that’s one thing to pay attention to, like, “Who are you fighting with and why?” So there’s that. 

Another indication that you have a powerful self-limiting belief in your life is any thought or idea that leads to inhibition, paralysis, inaction, feeling trapped, feeling like you can’t move forward. Because when we feel that way, when we’re not trying things, or we feel like we can’t make a decision, when we crack that open, there are often all these reasons why, why I can’t, why this won’t work. When we are in that space of paralysis and inaction, we’re often actively talking ourselves out of doing things or narrating to ourselves all of the negative outcomes or all the reasons why it won’t work.

Here’s an example that I think, again, we can all relate to, the not taking action category of, “I can’t exercise regularly because I don’t have enough time. I can’t do it. I’m too busy. Cannot do it. So I don’t. I would like to, but it’s impossible just by virtue of my circumstances.” So we are not taking positive action. And this is a simple example. But who hasn’t said that to themselves, right? But when we look at what that’s doing for us, and we also look at a more reality-based idea, which is, here’s a new one, that when I actually first heard this idea, it was like, “Oh, my God, I felt struck by lightning, actually.” 

Because the idea is, the truth is that you and me and everybody else on this entire planet, including the most insanely productive, disruptive people in the history of the world, like Elon Musk, writers, musicians, inspirational leaders, everyone has, ready? 1440 minutes a day to do with as they will. We all have exactly the same number of minutes allotted to us on a day. And the only difference is that we are making different choices about how we spend that time. Sometimes, we are in circumstances that have been shaped by choices that we made a while ago that are now impacting how we are spending our time. But 1440 minutes are all of ours.

I read somewhere that Vladimir Putin, who I am guessing is a fairly productive person, for better or for worse, spends something like three hours a day exercising, like every day. So, how you choose to spend that time may be different. But what would change for you if you just begin challenging that idea of “I don’t have enough time,” with this new idea, which is actually, “I have exactly as much time as literally everyone else in the world, including Vlad, and I am prioritizing spending my time doing other things besides exercising.” When you do that, it’s an interesting dynamic. Because the power totally shifts when you change that language from, “I can’t,” to, “I am making different choices. And here are the reasons why.” 

You could still totally decide not to exercise. “I would actually rather not exercise. I do not feel like exercising. I don’t enjoy exercising. I don’t want to. I would rather do something different.” But when we shift away from that self-limiting idea that tells us we cannot, “It is literally impossible, you cannot do that,” into a new idea, “You could if you wanted to.” All of a sudden, the spotlight of personal responsibility is back on ‘lil old us. And that is anxiety-provoking because you’re like, “Crap, I guess I could exercise if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. So, what does that mean about me?” So again, that’s the function of all these rules and limitations, right? It’s protecting ourselves in some way from the reality of our own freedom, which is not always comfortable. It isn’t. Empowering, but not comfortable. So that’s a big one. 

Lastly, one other ringer that you have just stumbled upon a really strong, juicy self-limiting core belief that is doing all kinds of things in your life is pretty much any idea that makes you feel really bad about yourself. If you were just listening to what I was describing above, around: “Yeah, I actually don’t want to exercise.” If, for you, that turned into this, “Oh my god, I’m not exercising. I could be. I should be. I have as much time as anybody else. What’s wrong with me that I’m not doing that? Other people exercise. And clearly, they are superior humans because I’m not doing that. I should make it a priority. I’m terrible.” 

If it turns into that for you, that is a really powerful core belief of, I think, the worst kind, these self-limiting core beliefs that tell us about who we are and that who we are is not as worthy, or capable, or able to do things. That’s the worst. Because when it turns into calling yourself names, and, “I’m a failure. I’m miserable. I have no motivation. I have no willpower, and I never will.” It just turns into this spiral of just bad feelings. Can you down the drain of just, there’s so much to unpack here. 

One thing that I work with my clients around a lot is identifying these kinds of thoughts that lead to this emotional spiral that just makes people feel like collapsing, right, when you’re in the grips of that internal dialogue, just laying on the floor. To understand really consciously the inner narrative that is driving that, then they have the opportunity to intentionally and deliberately learn how to treat themselves with more kindness, like more of a friend. It takes energy. 

To actively create a more helpful internal dialogue, which is, “Maybe there are reasons why I am not exercising. Part of me believes that I want to and that I should but, I know, from listening to Dr. Lisa’s podcasts that we have many different parts of ourselves, and there are such things as overt goals that we are aware of. And there are also covert goals that we are not aware of, and just maybe, I have actually been achieving a covert goal through not exercising, which is actually the fact that I feel tired. I feel like I need to rest, sometimes. I feel like I just need to stop and just rest. Maybe I actually do need to be compassionate with myself for my need for nurturing, and quiet time, and rest. Maybe that’s valid. Maybe there’s a different relationship that I can have with that need, where maybe some of these things can coexist. Maybe I can get that rest, and comfort, and nurturing, and relaxation and just feeling calm for once, and also find a way to take care of my body, which needs me to move around a little bit sometimes.” 

Again, there is so, so much to unpack here. This is a huge topic. These ideas go very deep. Sometimes, highly entrenched, self-limiting beliefs can have roots in our earliest childhood experiences. And sometimes not. Sometimes, they are actually much easier to change than you would think they are once you know that they’re there, and you have some new skills and strategies for working with them differently, and managing them differently. 

Just want to challenge one core belief that may be may be percolating inside of you, which is that, “Okay, now I have listened to this podcast, and I should be able to know how to do this from this day forward.” I would just like to say very, very authentically, that that is not how this works. People can and do often spend quite a bit of time in therapy and life coaching unpacking this, developing the self-awareness, these core beliefs, figuring out their functions, figuring out how to deal with them differently, and it’s not easy work. 

It is very, very valuable work. Because once you really identify those and figure out what to do with them a little bit differently, so many things can open up for you. I’ve seen people really just feel like they break free from paralysis. They see it, doors that are open to them that they literally did not see before, or if they did see would never have dared walk through. And they can really begin to try things and start learning and growing, and as a result, have new experiences that confirm these new ideas and prove against those old core beliefs that they had been harboring. 

So once you get these juices flowing and start growing again, it’s very common to have all kinds of new evidence that support the new, more reality-based, more compassionate ideas. Because when you try things, you’ll find that is often the case is that things actually do work out, and they’re not as hard as you thought they would be. And you can do so many things. 

We’re going to glide to a halt, park this conversation. Thank you for staying with me, and I hope that these ideas were helpful to you. I hope that they gave you some direction and maybe even some things to continue thinking about or journaling about until we meet again next week for another episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. Until then, here’s more Nightmare St. Julian. I like these guys.