Relationship Ambivalence: How to Get Clarity on Staying or Leaving

Relationship Ambivalence: How to Get Clarity on Staying or Leaving

Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night thinking, “I don’t know if I should stay, and I don’t know if I should go”? That painful in-between is called ambivalence about your relationship, and if you’ve been there, you know how heavy it feels.

When you’re caught in that fog, even the simplest moments—making dinner, sitting on the couch, parenting together—can feel loaded. You may second-guess your partner’s tone, replay arguments in your head, and worry you’re wasting precious years. The longer relationship ambivalence lingers, the more paralyzing it becomes.

This is exactly what we’re unpacking in this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success podcast with my guest, Dr. Merideth Thompson. She’s a researcher, professor, and negotiation expert who lived in that gray zone for nearly a decade before finally leaving her marriage. Out of that experience, she created Partner Lab, a research-based assessment tool that helps people move out of uncertainty and toward clarity, confidence, and hope.

Why Relationship Ambivalence Hurts So Much

Ambivalence in relationships isn’t just indecision—it’s living in two realities at once. Part of you sees reasons to stay, while another part wonders if leaving would set you free. You may love aspects of your partner, but still feel lonely, disrespected, or disconnected. And every time you think you’ve decided, guilt or fear pulls you back.

As Dr. Merideth shared, this “stuckness” can last for years. She stayed far longer than she now wishes she had, believing it was better for her children. But kids don’t just listen to what we say—they watch what we do. When they see us tolerate unhealthy dynamics, they may carry those lessons into their own relationships.

What Science Reveals About Relationship Ambivalence

If you’re wondering whether your relationship can improve or if it’s beyond repair, research offers clarity. One of the key studies we discussed is Samantha Joel’s meta-analysis on predictors of relationship quality. It identifies six powerful predictors of happiness in long-term relationships:

• Partner commitment: Do you believe your partner is fully invested?
• Appreciation: Do you actively value and appreciate your partner?
• Sexual and emotional satisfaction: Do you feel safe, connected, and fulfilled?
• Belief that your partner is happy: Do you sense genuine satisfaction from them?
• Low destructive conflict: Are disagreements handled respectfully?
• Responsiveness: When you reach out, does your partner respond with presence and care?

These aren’t abstract theories. They directly shape how safe, valued, and loved you feel each day. When several of these are missing, relationship ambivalence is almost unavoidable.

The Clarity Matrix: A Path Through Ambivalence

One of Dr. Merideth’s most helpful tools is the Clarity Matrix, a framework for sorting through what’s really happening in your relationship. It starts with two questions:

1. Where do I have influence or control?
2. Is what I’m doing helping or harming?

From there, four quadrants emerge:

• High control, positive impact: Growth opportunities like clear communication, boundary-setting, and showing up authentically.
• High control, negative impact: Habits you can change but that may hurt the relationship, such as stonewalling, people-pleasing, or shutting down.
• Low control, positive impact: Efforts that may help, like requests your partner may or may not meet.
• Low control, negative impact: Deal breakers, such as abuse, chronic disrespect, or refusal to engage.

Seeing your relationship through this lens clears the fog. You stop wasting energy trying to change your partner and instead focus on what you can control.