‘Did I Marry the Wrong Person?’ How to Know & What to Do

What If I Married the Wrong Person? 

When people are questioning whether they married the wrong person, there are a handful of things that are usually going on in the relationship: 

• Emotional disconnection: This is a big one. All couples go through ebbs and flows of feeling more connected, and feeling more distant. If you don’t know how to reconnect, the gap will widen, until you start to feel so alienated from each other that you believe you’ve fallen out of love. The biggest mistake I see couples make is believing that they wouldn’t be having this experience if they were with the right partner — not so. It takes intention and effort to keep the spark alive in every long-term relationship. Knowing how to come back together again after a period of disconnection is an essential skill for a successful marriage. 

• Perpetual conflict: If you’re fighting all the time, it makes sense to question if you’re compatible. But in reality, fighting itself is not a sign that your relationship is doomed — in fact, the opposite is true. Fighting means that you care enough about the relationship to work on it, and that you are willing and able to have difficult conversations with each other. Still, you don’t want to live in a relationship with constant, destructive arguments. You want to learn how to solve problems productively through healthy conflict that actually makes your relationship stronger. 

• Unrealistic expectations: Often when someone is questioning if they married the wrong person, it’s because of their expectations for marriage and for love. They may believe that they should feel as excited about their partner as they did during the honeymoon phase. Or, they may have an unconscious belief that there’s one “right” partner out there for them, and with that person, everything will be easy. Or that their partner should meet all of their needs. If you have any of these unrealistic expectations, you probably don’t even realize you have them, but they could be harming your relationship. 

• Values differences: Sometimes, people with major differences in values get married. This often happens when the relationship starts on the basis of chemistry and physical attraction, and then once the honeymoon period passes, they find that their connection isn’t as strong as it seemed at first. It’s important to remember that differences don’t always equal incompatibility — together you can create a stronger, more well-rounded whole, if you can learn to appreciate each other’s differences. 

How to Know if You Married the Wrong Person

Here’s the most important question to ask yourself if you’re asking whether you married the wrong person: How much change is possible here? 

Regardless of the current problems you’re experiencing, there are relationships that have more growth potential than others. If you and your partner both understand challenges in your relationship as opportunities to grow as people, for the benefit of yourselves and each other, then there is nothing you can’t get through together. And learning how to get through rough patches and grow together will make you stronger, more confident in your connection, and more loving and appreciative of each other than ever before. These moments can be a blessing in disguise for your relationship. 

But recognizing these “doorways to growth” is easier said than done. None of us are functioning as our best selves when we’re in a distressed relationship. Too often, defensiveness, emotional flooding, or reactivity can sabotage important conversations before you get the chance to shift into a more empathetic and understanding place to solve problems together. It can feel like there’s no way forward and your only option is to give up, but that’s not the case. (More on this topic: check out “Why relationships fail.”)

That’s the value of finding a good couples counselor: They help you discover the opportunities for growth in your relationship, and stay in an emotional place where you can actually take advantage of them. You can learn to communicate better, show each other love and appreciation, and work together as a team — but only if you’re committed to the relationship and to doing the work. Until you try, it’s impossible to know whether you married the wrong person and it’s time to call it quits, or whether you’ve arrived at the threshold of positive change. 

One thing I can tell you for sure: This work is waiting for you, whether you do it now, or with another partner five or ten years in the future. There is no perfect partner and there is no perfect relationship. There are only imperfect people, doing their best to love and support each other. And sometimes they need a little help.

If you’d like to meet with a couples counselor on my team, I invite you to schedule a free consultation. 

With love, 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby 

P.S. — For more free advice on improving your relationship, check out my “relationship repair” collection of articles and podcasts. It’s all there for you!