Considering Divorce? Or Is There Still Hope?
Should I Get a Divorce? Is There Still Hope?
Marriage is hard, even for the strongest couples. When what you thought was a “rough patch” starts to stretch on into infinity, it’s natural to start considering divorce. But before you make any permanent decisions, let me share a few things that I’ve learned from a long career as a breakup therapist and divorce counselor.
Relationship Doubts are Completely Normal
You have a fight. Maybe a few fights. You go through a period where you both feel disconnected. Kids, jobs, cleaning bathrooms, the dandelions on the front lawn – virtually everything seems like it’s more of a priority than your marriage.
This is natural. All relationships ebb and flow. Disconnection and reconnection are simply part of being in a long-term relationship. But sometimes…it is hard to reconnect.
Particularly if toxic negativity begins to color your interactions.
And when attachment stretches thin, and you can’t remember the last time you laughed together, it’s normal to wonder if you ever will again. When the negative experiences with your partner start to outnumber the good ones, it’s normal to wonder if you’ve arrived at the “end of the line” asking “can this marriage be saved?”
Is Divorce the Answer?
Not necessarily. Feeling upset and scared about your marriage is exactly what prompts couples to start marriage counseling. Being unhappy with the situation creates the motivation that you need to do the difficult work of growing back together again. And in my experience, when couples have a will to repair the relationship, there is always a way.
[Here is more on: Why Your Marriage is Worth Saving]
But sometimes, instead of addressing their issues, people begin to fantasize about divorce. They don’t know how to solve their relationship problems without breaking up, and divorce feels like the only solution. Divorce starts to feel like a glowing door to freedom and happiness. That’s when your relationship is in trouble.
Of course, I understand that there are situations where you may not have a choice.
Sometimes, one partner might decide to leave without warning. Other marriages become so toxic that divorce is genuinely the only option. However, in the vast majority of cases, the problems are the problem – not the partners.
Welcome, Denisa Tova: Divorce Mediation Expert
If you are toeing up to the edge of this precipice, or perhaps already starting to go through the searing process of taking your marriage apart, this podcast is for you.
On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I’m speaking with Pro Divorce Mediator Denisa Tova about things to think about if you’re on the fence about divorce, and also practical strategies for creating the best possible outcomes if you decide to move forward with divorce.
Is There Still Hope? Things to Consider Before a Divorce…
Denisa Tova and I will be discussing:
- How to tell the difference between “solvable problems” between you and your partner, and situations where divorce is really necessary.
- If you must get divorced, the mindset you need to foster is to create a healthy divorce experience.
- Strategies for creating a happy collaborative relationship, no matter what happens.
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Considering Divorce? Or Is There Still Hope?
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Episode Highlights: Considering Divorce? Is There Still Hope?
- Preventing Divorce
- While the podcast’s topic is on divorce, it’s worth it to consider other options, especially if it’s possible to resolve the conflict.
- Counseling or therapy are viable options for couples who can still work their marriage out.
- No-Nonsense Honesty
- Couples, before committing to one another, really have to be more honest about their finances.
- Denisa suggests that they bare everything to one another—to show one your financial records and history.
- She also recommends talking about your future plans involving money, such as quitting your job or shifting to a different career.
- The Mediator’s Role
- Mediators do not only deal with the divorce but also think about its ripple effects, especially if children are involved.
- They try to dig deeper to find lasting solutions rather than suggest band-aid ones.
- Attorneys versus Mediators
- Attorneys can be “in it to win it”, and focus more on what one party can gain.
- Meanwhile, mediators focus more on a solution that serves everyone, including the kids.
- Hiring an attorney can turn the situation into an adversarial one while getting a mediator might help you resolve your situation amicably in such a way that you are able to co-parent well.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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