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Divorce Regret: How to Accept the End of a Marriage
One of the most painful things that people experience when they’re living through a divorce is the feeling of regret. Whether you were the one who ended your marriage, or your partner did, ‘divorce regret’ can be profound and very difficult to manage.
As a couples counselor who specializes in breakup and divorce recovery, I’ve sat with so many heartbroken people in divorce counseling who would give anything to go back in time and do things differently in their marriages. Accepting that they can only go forward is a stage of healing after divorce. I help them to process their feelings and pick up the pieces of their lives. And when they’re ready, I help them open themselves up to love again, armed with strength, wisdom, and clarity that they didn’t have before.
Like any of our dark emotions, regret is not a bad thing. After divorce, it can be a powerful catalyst for personal growth and transformation, if you know how to process regret in a way that’s productive and self-compassionate.
I hope this article helps you do that. If you’d prefer to listen, I’ve also recorded an episode of the Love, Happiness and Success podcast on this topic. You can find it on this page, or on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Why We Feel Regret After Divorce
Regret is a part of grief, including the grief we feel after a relationship ends. According to a study by Avvo.com, about 27 percent of women and 32 percent of men regret the divorce itself, not to mention the decisions that led the marriage to fail. When you’re feeling the pain of loss, it’s natural to reflect on past decisions and wonder what you could have done to avoid this outcome.
Here are a few of the common regrets that I hear from people going through a divorce:
- Many people regret not trying harder to save their marriages.
- Not taking their ex-partner more seriously when they voiced their unmet needs.
- Not getting into high-quality marriage counseling before things became irreparable.
- Overlooking red flags or compatibility issues early on.
- The financial aftermath of divorce.
- Mistakes like infidelity or other violations of trust.
- The partner who initiated the divorce very often experiences regret about their decision to end the marriage as they work through their emotional healing process.
No one gets out of divorce unscathed. But, some people are able to harness regret and use it as an opportunity for introspection, self-discovery, and positive change, which sets them up to have healthier relationships in the future. If you’re experiencing divorce regret, this is the outcome that I believe you deserve.
When Does Divorce Regret Set In?
After a breakup or divorce, regret isn’t something that sets in immediately and stays the same. It comes and goes, and it takes different shapes throughout the divorce recovery process.
This is especially true if you’re going through a divorce that you didn’t want. In the beginning, you might feel regret about the narrow set of circumstances that led up to your partner throwing down the gauntlet, like an argument or refusing to try marriage counseling. As time goes on, you gain perspective that may lead you to regret how you showed up in the relationship more generally.
For the partner who initiated the divorce, it can take some time to feel regret, but I can tell you that just about everyone feels some regret eventually in the healing process. Often feelings of regret are strongest when their Ex moves on with someone new, or when their Ex reaches a point in their healing process where they’ve started emotionally detaching from the relationship.
How to Harness Post-Divorce Regret
The most productive way to process regret is to use it as a catalyst for personal growth. Instead of beating yourself up for past mistakes, reflect on what you learned from your divorce and how it will inform your future.
You can do this while treating yourself with love and compassion. This is how we grow — by allowing ourselves to feel the pain of our regrets and to be changed by them. We don’t grow when we’re comfortable; we grow when we are challenged by emotional pain to reflect on our lives and make changes.
But we also don’t grow when we’re stuck in toxic shame or low self-esteem, which often accompanies the end of a relationship. Working with a good divorce recovery counselor can help you stay out of the shame zone while seizing your opportunities for growth after divorce.
True growth requires introspection and accountability, but also self-compassion. By owning your mistakes and loving yourself anyway, you pave the way for genuine healing.
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Mike’s Journey with Divorce Regret
Take Mike (not his real name), a client I worked with in divorce recovery counseling.
Mike was torturing himself for not taking his ex-wife more seriously when she expressed to him that she was unhappy. Instead, he had retreated into his work, assuming it would blow over like all of their other fights. But this time, she left him. Mike felt totally blindsided at first, but through our sessions, began to see how he missed his chance to save his marriage. He was heartbroken, lost, and filled with regret.
Instead of wallowing, Mike used his regret to move forward. He explored the role he had played in his marriage’s failure, gaining clarity about what his Ex had needed from him and why he hadn’t been able to give it. He realized that he felt overwhelmed and emotionally flooded whenever she was upset with him, and that he would shut down, withdraw, or otherwise avoid conflict to manage these feelings.
This new self-awareness was the first step in a journey that fundamentally changed the way Mike shows up in his relationships. We worked on emotional intelligence skills that helped him manage the stress he feels around conflict, helping him become more responsive, less conflict avoidant, and more emotionally connected to his partner. Armed with these skills, Mike entered his next relationship two years later with a new sense of confidence and purpose. He used his divorce regret to heal his heart, make peace with the past, and build a brighter future for himself.
Healing from Regret After Divorce
We are all human, flawed, and capable of growth. Instead of berating yourself for past mistakes, practice self-compassion and forgiveness, while committing yourself to this opportunity for growth. Similarly, extend empathy to your ex-partner, acknowledging that they too are navigating their own journey of healing and growth and making mistakes along the way.
As time passes and you begin to heal, you may find that the intensity of divorce regret subsides, replaced by a sense of acceptance and even gratitude for the lessons you learned. Someday, you may even look back on your divorce and feel grateful that it happened, recognizing it as a pivotal moment that propelled you towards a more meaningful and fulfilling life.
Regret is not a sign of weakness. It’s a testament to your capacity for growth and resilience. You wouldn’t feel regret if you didn’t know in your heart that you are capable of better things.
And if you want someone by your side as you navigate this growth moment, I invite you to schedule a free consultation.
With love,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
P.S. — I have more free advice on healing after a breakup or divorce in my heartbreak recovery collection of articles and podcasts. I hope you check it out — it’s all there for you!
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