Are You Trying to Save Your Relationship, Single-Handedly?
It can feel really discouraging when you are eager to work on your relationship, and your partner is less than enthused about going to marriage counseling or relationship coaching with you. But know this: Every couple who gets to marriage counseling does so because one of the partners initiates it. In your relationship, that person might need to be you. And that is okay.
It’s worth being the one who makes this happen, because great things can happen once you get them in the door.
The truth is that even the most reluctant partner will often open up in the first marriage counseling session. Why? Because a competent, expert marriage counselor is going to help them feel safe, heard and understood. They might have the opportunity to say things they’ve been holding in for a looonnng time, and it feels good. Having a productive conversation with a marriage counselor about issues that have been hard to talk about makes people feel hopeful and excited about the future of their relationship. It can be an incredibly positive, validating and reassuring experience for them — as well as for you.
It’s been my experience that often the initiating partner is blown away by how much their formerly “anti” partner winds up sharing in the first meeting. We’re both bemused to see the person who had their arms crossed and a frowny-face at the start of the session hanging onto the door-knob eager to tell me “one last thing” before we have to end.
But the tricky part can be getting them into the office in the first place.
Why People Are Reluctant To Go To Marriage Counseling
First of all, please set aside any stereotypes you may be holding on to about this being a “man thing.” At least 50% of the people who call us for a free consultation are men, eager to get their wives in to marriage counseling with them. Women can be reluctant to go to marriage counseling too.
Whether men or women, the root cause of marriage counseling reluctance is that people often have preconceived ideas about marriage counseling that hold them back from taking the plunge. (They may also have already decided what is and is not possible for your relationship in advance of the first meeting, regrettably. But that is the subject of a different podcast).
THIS episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast is all about understanding the common anxieties and misperceptions at work in people who are reluctant to try marriage counseling.
Listen, and get insight and new understanding for a partner who says things like:
- “Things aren’t that bad”
- “Marriage counseling is too expensive”
- “We don’t need to tell a stranger about our problems”
- And “I absolutely refuse to go to marriage counseling” (which does not necessarily equal doom for your relationship, FYI).
I’ll be helping you understand your partner in a new way, so that you can speak to their concerns. I hope this advice helps you help YOUR partner take the first step forward with you, and start growing back together again.
All the best,
Loved this Dr Lisa, thank you so much.
I appreciated how you explained the different reasons why spouses can be resistant.
You have encouraged me to press on with trying to get marriage counselling when I had otherwise almost given up.
Hi Jonathan! I’m so glad that this article helped you get some insight into what might be going on with your partner’s resistance to couples therapy. Yes, unfortunately the idea of “therapy” can be so fraught with anxiety and negative connotations that it’s absolutely paralyzing for some people to want to get involved with it. It’s so tragic to me, especially because harboring negative beliefs about what therapy is, or what will happen during counseling often deprives people of the opportunity to get meaningful help that could change their lives for the better. I sincerely hope that helping your partner feel safer can help them feel more open to the idea of working on things with you.
Another thing that you might consider is listening to some of the podcasts I’ve done on relationships — particularly some of the communication podcasts — the next time you’re in the car together. Especially if you’re with a “withdrawer” (as I suspect) their hearing an ACTUAL marriage counselor talk about their experience with empathy could help them feel safer about speaking to one person. At any rate, good luck to you on your quest to create a happy healthy relationship with your partner! All the best, LMB