Empathy: The Secret to a Happy Marriage
Do you want to know more about the secret to a happy marriage? I’ve been a couples counselor in Denver for over a decade now. As such, I’m often asked, “What’s the key to a good relationship?” Like everything, there are always multiple pieces of the puzzle that need to fall into place including communication, having fun, intimacy, shared dreams, shared responsibilities, and so much more. However, all of the above are things that can be taught in marriage counseling online or in person. A good couples counselor can help you learn how to communicate, schedule time together, or create agreement about household duties. You can learn how to get on the same page, sharing a vision for your life, and how to parent together. And the truth is, all those things are relatively easy to achieve if one key ingredient exists: Empathy.
Empathy is the big secret to a happy marriage. When couples have empathy for each other, they understand why all the other stuff is important and they feel motivated to do the things that will help their relationship feel better for both of them.
The best marriage counselor in the world can’t help you if you don’t have empathy for each other. If you don’t understand (or care) how your partner feels, or what they need from you, it is going to be difficult to repair your marriage.
How Does Empathy Save Your Marriage?
Empathy means that you can understand your partner’s feelings. You can get outside of yourself for long enough to understand their emotional truth (as opposed to just your own) and view the situation from their perspective. If you have empathy you can easily understand where conflict is coming from: why it’s so important to them that you put the seat down, that you show up on time, that you don’t nag, you don’t scream, or that you contribute around the house. Empathy allows you to behave in a way that shows your partner you get them… and that you care.
The good news is that you can both learn how to use empathy to improve your relationship and have a happy marriage. Even if understanding “feelings” doesn’t come easily to you, through emotional intelligence coaching, psychoeducation, and personal growth work you can learn how to understand feelings — both your partners and your own.
The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Empathy and Understanding
When you truly understand your partner’s experience of your relationship a big shift happens: you get your power back. When you have empathy, the problems in your relationship stop being about what your partner is doing or not doing to you, and you can take an honest look at yourself. When you can say, “What is it like to live with ME?” and view that from your partner’s perspective, all of a sudden you get a huge opportunity for personal growth and a vastly improved relationship.
Developing compassion and empathy for your partner’s feelings can help you take a fresh look at what you are bringing to the table in your marriage. When empathy for your partner gives you insight into what they need, opportunities for improving your relationship unfold. By focusing on how your partner feels, and being responsive to their feelings, you will improve your relationship. Empathy is a key ingredient to a great marriage.
And, of course, at the end of the day you are the only person you can ever really change anyway. The beautiful paradox is that by practicing empathy, your partner will begin to feel cared for and valued, and will likely be more empathic and responsive to you.
What do you think of this secret to a happy relationship? Something you’re willing to try? Let me know ONE way you could show more empathy for your husband / wife / partner in the comments section!
– Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Definitely true. If you are not able to empathize with your partner then you will not be able to understand him/her. Knowing and understanding your partner gives you clarity on why they decide and do certain things.
Yes, without understanding (or caring!) about how your partner feels, changing your relationship is virtually impossible.
I think this is something I definitely need more work in. I’ve only recently begun to realize that I’ve been a selfish person for a long time and it has put a great deal of strain on my relationship. Realizing there’s an issue helps but it’s been difficult to change. Not because I don’t want to but because (I think) my brain has been wired a certain way for so long. I’m trying to put her first and think of things from her perspective before I say or do things. The more I think about it and make it a habit, I think there will be progress.
Hi Carl, You are so right — it really is hard to do. I’ve been married for 20 years and sometimes it’s still a struggle. I think we’re all naturally focused on our own thoughts, feelings and priorities, and it can be challenging to get outside of ourselves long enough to take in someone else’s perspective. It sounds like you’re on a great path though. Good luck and let us know how things go! — Lisa
Can’t how someone feels be wrong or counter productive?
How do you know the difference?
Sincerely
Mike
Hi Mike: BIG question there. “Can your partner’s feelings be ‘wrong.'” I think that question deserves a post all of it’s own. Certainly, sometimes people feel things or think things that aren’t helpful to them. We therapists spend a lot of time helping people figure that out. (Or develop “Happiness Classes for them, ahem). And, at the same time, whatever someone is feeling is always true, because it’s their feeling. Your ability to understand where another person is coming from, and that it’s their truth (even if you don’t agree with it, or see things differently) is the definition of empathy. Marriage counselors work long and hard helping couples to achieve exactly the kind of understanding it sounds like you’re struggling with. Once people feel heard and validated, they can often start making changes — on both sides. If empathy is feeling hard right now, it might be a good time to seek out a competent marriage counselor to help bridge the gap. All the best to you — Lisa.
Thank you, that is helpful!
I’m so glad this was helpful to you Mike. If you liked this post you might also enjoy a recent podcast: “The Gift of Unconditional Love.”
In it I share some ideas that can help keep an open heart even when people are being difficult. The prayer / intention at the end is tacked to my wall, and I look at it frequently to help me stay compassionate in challenging moments. I hope that it helps you too. All the best, Lisa
I feel I show a lot of empathy but my partner says I need focus more on myself. I guess it is the people pleaser in me that makes him say that but I feel seeing others happy makes me happy.
That is a great point Kelly! While many people who we see in our practice DO struggle to have empathy for their partners, it doesn’t sound like this is an issue for you. That is great. What I think I’m hearing is that the feedback you’re getting from your partner implies that perhaps you lose yourself a little bit in relationships. Maybe? If so, even though it might feel like a good thing to “always be prioritizing the other person’s happiness” the other person might start to feel a little bit smothered by this relational style. If any of this is ringing true for you, it might be helpful to invest some time and energy into yourself, and your happiness, in order to have more balance in your relationship. Our online “happiness class” might be a good, easy place for you to start that important personal growth work. You deserve to be happy too! 🙂 All the best, LMB
I think I have empathy for my husband’s feelings and thoughts but I don’t agree with them and I get very upset when we have conversations. I truly understand his hurt and pain that he experienced but the actions that he portrayed caused more damage than good. How do I show empathy without the anger and hurt that I feel inside from his betrayal and disloyal actions because he felt hurt? I’m really struggling with communicating effectively with my husband without screaming crying and cursing or being disrespectful, I want to change this very much what advice would you offer?
Krystal, you bring up such a great point! It’s really, really hard to stay in a “soft” place with people who have hurt you, especially when the hurt is unresolved. It’s a normal, natural reaction to feel angry when we’ve been hurt and betrayed: Some would even say that it’s evidence that your emotional guidance system is doing a great job of helping you set boundaries and stay safe with someone who has the potential to be hurtful to you again.
I think what I’m hearing in your question is that YOU are working really hard to have empathy for your husband…. but it doesn’t feel like he has empathy for your perspective. (Any my guess is that your “screaming and crying” is a reaction to feeling unsuccessful in getting him to understand the depth of your pain and anger — when we’re not heard, the volume and intensity always goes up!)
In short, it sounds like you are trying really hard to have a relationship with someone who may or may not be emotionally able to have a good relationship with you. (Because if how he deals with his hurt is by betraying you and doing damaging things to you… that does not sound sustainable!) Under the circumstances that you describe, I would strongly suggest getting involved in some good marriage counseling if you are able to. A competent marriage counselor will be able to create a safe space for you to talk about your feelings of hurt in a constructive way, and will help support your husband in hearing you and developing more empathy for your perspective. You deserve that Krystal. All the best to you, Lisa
Definitely true. If you are not able to empathize with your partner then you will not be able to understand him/her. Knowing and understanding your partner gives you clarity on why they decide and do certain things.
Yes, without understanding (or caring!) about how your partner feels, changing your relationship is virtually impossible.
I think this is something I definitely need more work in. I’ve only recently begun to realize that I’ve been a selfish person for a long time and it has put a great deal of strain on my relationship. Realizing there’s an issue helps but it’s been difficult to change. Not because I don’t want to but because (I think) my brain has been wired a certain way for so long. I’m trying to put her first and think of things from her perspective before I say or do things. The more I think about it and make it a habit, I think there will be progress.
Hi Carl, You are so right — it really is hard to do. I’ve been married for 20 years and sometimes it’s still a struggle. I think we’re all naturally focused on our own thoughts, feelings and priorities, and it can be challenging to get outside of ourselves long enough to take in someone else’s perspective. It sounds like you’re on a great path though. Good luck and let us know how things go! — Lisa
Can’t how someone feels be wrong or counter productive?
How do you know the difference?
Sincerely
Mike
Hi Mike: BIG question there. “Can your partner’s feelings be ‘wrong.'” I think that question deserves a post all of it’s own. Certainly, sometimes people feel things or think things that aren’t helpful to them. We therapists spend a lot of time helping people figure that out. (Or develop “Happiness Classes for them, ahem). And, at the same time, whatever someone is feeling is always true, because it’s their feeling. Your ability to understand where another person is coming from, and that it’s their truth (even if you don’t agree with it, or see things differently) is the definition of empathy. Marriage counselors work long and hard helping couples to achieve exactly the kind of understanding it sounds like you’re struggling with. Once people feel heard and validated, they can often start making changes — on both sides. If empathy is feeling hard right now, it might be a good time to seek out a competent marriage counselor to help bridge the gap. All the best to you — Lisa.
Thank you, that is helpful!
I’m so glad this was helpful to you Mike. If you liked this post you might also enjoy a recent podcast: “The Gift of Unconditional Love.”
In it I share some ideas that can help keep an open heart even when people are being difficult. The prayer / intention at the end is tacked to my wall, and I look at it frequently to help me stay compassionate in challenging moments. I hope that it helps you too. All the best, Lisa
I feel I show a lot of empathy but my partner says I need focus more on myself. I guess it is the people pleaser in me that makes him say that but I feel seeing others happy makes me happy.
That is a great point Kelly! While many people who we see in our practice DO struggle to have empathy for their partners, it doesn’t sound like this is an issue for you. That is great. What I think I’m hearing is that the feedback you’re getting from your partner implies that perhaps you lose yourself a little bit in relationships. Maybe? If so, even though it might feel like a good thing to “always be prioritizing the other person’s happiness” the other person might start to feel a little bit smothered by this relational style. If any of this is ringing true for you, it might be helpful to invest some time and energy into yourself, and your happiness, in order to have more balance in your relationship. Our online “happiness class” might be a good, easy place for you to start that important personal growth work. You deserve to be happy too! 🙂 All the best, LMB
I think I have empathy for my husband’s feelings and thoughts but I don’t agree with them and I get very upset when we have conversations. I truly understand his hurt and pain that he experienced but the actions that he portrayed caused more damage than good. How do I show empathy without the anger and hurt that I feel inside from his betrayal and disloyal actions because he felt hurt? I’m really struggling with communicating effectively with my husband without screaming crying and cursing or being disrespectful, I want to change this very much what advice would you offer?
Krystal, you bring up such a great point! It’s really, really hard to stay in a “soft” place with people who have hurt you, especially when the hurt is unresolved. It’s a normal, natural reaction to feel angry when we’ve been hurt and betrayed: Some would even say that it’s evidence that your emotional guidance system is doing a great job of helping you set boundaries and stay safe with someone who has the potential to be hurtful to you again.
I think what I’m hearing in your question is that YOU are working really hard to have empathy for your husband…. but it doesn’t feel like he has empathy for your perspective. (Any my guess is that your “screaming and crying” is a reaction to feeling unsuccessful in getting him to understand the depth of your pain and anger — when we’re not heard, the volume and intensity always goes up!)
In short, it sounds like you are trying really hard to have a relationship with someone who may or may not be emotionally able to have a good relationship with you. (Because if how he deals with his hurt is by betraying you and doing damaging things to you… that does not sound sustainable!) Under the circumstances that you describe, I would strongly suggest getting involved in some good marriage counseling if you are able to. A competent marriage counselor will be able to create a safe space for you to talk about your feelings of hurt in a constructive way, and will help support your husband in hearing you and developing more empathy for your perspective. You deserve that Krystal. All the best to you, Lisa
Thanks, Dr. Lisa for this beautiful article. This is really great & helpful. Your ideas will work as medicine. I appreciate your writing. Waiting for your next article.