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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you look at your partner, the person you’ve chosen, built a life with, maybe even raised a family with, and thought, I don’t like you but I love you? Or wondered, can you love someone and not like them? Couples therapy can be a safe space to explore those questions, understand what’s underneath the feelings, and find new ways to reconnect. If so, you are far from alone. You’re also not broken, and neither is your relationship.
One of the biggest myths about love is that a good relationship should always feel easy, that if you’re “meant to be,” you’ll spend most of your time in a state of blissful harmony. But the truth is that every couple, even the happiest ones, has conflict. There are friction points in every relationship, and sometimes those points aren’t “fixable” in the traditional sense — and that’s when couples counseling can help you navigate them in a way that builds understanding and closeness instead of distance.
Why “I Don’t Like You” Moments Happen (And Why They’re Normal)
According to the research of Dr. John Gottman, about 70% of relationship conflicts are rooted in unsolvable differences. These differences include personality traits, values, habits, or preferences that are unlikely to change. You might be an early bird while your partner is a night owl. You may prefer everything tidy, while they can live with a little mess. Perhaps you plan vacations down to the hour, while they prefer to go with the flow.
The goal is not to erase these differences, because that’s impossible. Instead, the real key is to create more positive moments than negative ones, and to manage the challenging moments in a way that helps you connect rather than disconnect.
When emotional intimacy, fun, and shared meaning decrease, those small irritations begin to feel much bigger. A glass left next to the sink, for example, might go unnoticed in a good season. In a more disconnected season, the same glass can trigger a flood of frustration and feel like a symbol of everything you’re unhappy about. This is when the thought I don’t like you can creep in — even if, deep down, I love you is still true.
Can You Love Someone and Not Like Them?
The short answer is yes. You can love someone deeply while disliking certain behaviors, habits, or temporary versions of who they are. Recognizing that these moments are not a sign your relationship is doomed is essential. Instead, they can become opportunities to learn more about yourself, your partner, and the dynamic you share.
From “I Don’t Like You” to Insight
When irritation strikes, it’s natural to focus on your partner — what they are doing “wrong” or failing to do. Yet often, the most powerful shift happens when you turn the lens inward.
Ask yourself:
- What is this irritation telling me about my values, needs, or preferences?
- Is this about the towel left on the bed, or about feeling unseen and unsupported?
- Am I reacting to the event itself, or to the meaning I’ve attached to it?
Clarity often hides inside of irritation. As a result, by getting curious about what’s really going on, you can decide whether something is simply a quirk to live with, a pattern that needs attention, or a true deal breaker.
I often suggest making three lists:
- Annoyances – Things that bug you but are part of your partner’s package.
- Deal Breakers – Behaviors or patterns you truly cannot live with.
- Not Sure Yet – Gray areas that require more exploration.
This exercise helps you separate “this drives me crazy” from “this damages my well-being.”
Unlock the Secret to Happier Relationships
I know how hard it can be to feel stuck in conflict. That’s why I created this free 2-part training, Communication that Connects—to help you stop the fights, rebuild your connection, and communicate in a way that brings you closer. Click the link below to take the first step.
Emotional Intelligence and “I Don’t Like You But I Love You” Moments
Once you have clarity, the next step is learning how to navigate these moments without letting them harm your connection. This is where emotional intelligence becomes a game changer.
There are four core skills to practice:
- Self-awareness – Know what you’re feeling and why.
- Self-management – Regulate your emotions so you can respond with intention instead of reacting impulsively.
- Empathy – Understand your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree with it.
- Communication – Express your thoughts in a way that invites connection instead of defensiveness.
For example, instead of saying, “You never put your glass in the dishwasher!” you might say, “I’ve noticed you often leave your glass here. Can you tell me what’s behind that?” You might learn they plan to use it again later — not because they are careless or disrespectful. From there, you can agree on a small change or decide it is not worth a battle.
When You Can’t Shake the “I Don’t Like You” Feeling
Sometimes, the feeling that you don’t like your partner is about more than a few minor annoyances. If your relationship has been strained by years of negativity, or if one of you is unsure about continuing, outside support can be essential.
In my practice, we use evidence-based coaching and couples counseling to help partners rebuild connection, learn new skills, and create shared meaning. And if you’re unsure whether repair is possible, couples therapy is a powerful process to help both partners decide with clarity whether to move forward together or apart.
Important note: If you’re in an abusive relationship — emotional, physical, sexual, or financial — couples counseling is not safe or appropriate. Please reach out to thehotline.org for free, confidential support.
The Bottom Line: Can You Love Someone and Not Like Them?
Yes, you can. You can absolutely love someone and not like them sometimes. What matters is how you use those moments — as wedges that push you further apart, or as openings to understand each other better. By getting curious, managing your emotions, and building the skills to communicate constructively, you can turn I don’t like you but I love you moments into opportunities for deeper connection.
If you are ready to create more understanding and ease in your relationship, check out my free Communication that Connects 2-Part Training, where you will learn exactly how to have constructive conversations, even about tough topics. You can also take my How Healthy Is Your Relationship? Quiz for a clear snapshot of your strengths and growth areas, along with ideas for where to focus your energy next.
I would love to hear your thoughts. Share your experiences, questions, and ideas for future episodes here. And if this episode struck a chord, let’s stay in touch. I’m always sharing more tips and resources on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube to help you turn those little friction points into deeper connection, strengthen your communication, and keep your relationship feeling healthy and strong for years to come.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Resources:
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2). https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221
Carrere, S., Buehlman, K. T., & Gottman, J. M. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1). https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Sarchuni, S. (2024). Efficacy of the Gottman Method on family cohesion and emotional self‑regulation among couples. Journal of Assessment and Research in Applied Counseling, 6(3). https://doi.org/10.61838/kman.jarac.6.3.14
Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm
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