Is It Healthy for Couples to Vacation Separately? 

Lisa Marie Bobby:

How to have a great time traveling with or without your partner. Today, we’re talking about  love on the loose  and how to   resolve a lot of the conflicts that can come up for couples related to traveling.   Specifically, we’re going to be tackling some of those tough questions that can come up for a lot of couples related to relationships and travel, including   why do we fight when we go on trips together?

And how do we stop?  We’ll also be talking about what to do if you have very different travel styles  and it feels like a compatibility issue. Additionally, We’ll be addressing whether or not it’s okay to travel separately and how to do that in a healthy way and avoid doing it in a way  that can create  more problems in your relationship.

And then lastly, I’ll be giving you some tips on how to get into alignment around travel. and also identify and correct some of the big red flags related to travel that can actually create more problems in a relationship. If this is your first time tuning in, I’m so glad you’re here. I’m Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby.

I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I’m also a licensed psychologist, a board certified coach, and I am on a mission to help people just like you grow, do the work, and cultivate more  love,  happiness,  and success  in their lives through my practice,  growing self counseling and coaching,  and also through my podcast.

Love Happiness and Success Podcast. And this topic is right in alignment because I tell you what, traveling can be like the  cherry on top of a life well lived,  right? But when it comes to traveling and relationships, love on the loose, it’s also one of these things that can  create a lot of stress.  We don’t think about travel in this way, right?

We assume I’m not a person who likes to go places and see the world. But the reality for many people, particularly people who are traveling with our partners, is that it can be not that fun, especially  if you haven’t done the work to address some of the things we’re going to be talking about on today’s show.

  By the end of this episode, you will have new clarity  to spot the relationship issues that are creating problems when it comes to Honestly, not just traveling together, but probably creeping up in other parts of your relationship. Traveling is just the canary in the coal mine  where you’re seeing them right now.

But the  work you do to improve your traveling experiences together is going to have a direct effect. positive impact on every other part of your relationship.  So let’s just jump right into this and talk about one of the biggest questions that can come up for couples who have incompatible, irreconcilable feeling differences when it comes to travel styles.

vacation styles. So for example, um, you like to  lay in bed when you are on vacation until noon and  then maybe do whatever you feel like, including laying in a deck chair for several hours, drinking fruity cocktails by the pool.  That is your idea of a good time. I completely understand. Your partner, though, may be one of these people who just wakes up at 5 a.

m. and has a full itinerary of all the sites to see  and tours and informational plaques and things to learn and stuff to do, wants to do it all and wants to do it with you. Laying on your pool chair, drinking fruity cocktails. It feels completely incompatible. So unless you have really good strategies for how to handle this, what’s going to happen next?

I will tell you, you will have  conflictual, unproductive arguments about whose way of being is the correct one.  And if one of you gets dragged towards doing something that is fundamentally incompatible with you, it turns into resentment and not really having a good time.  And that can feel like it ruins the whole vacation pretty darn quick.

Can’t it? Who’s been in that situation? Anyone? So, if you’re feeling a little bit seen right now, here’s what to do differently. First of all, before you even go on the trip in the first place, you need to have intentional conversations about these differences and come into these conversations not with an agenda.

 I am here to change your mind and make you understand that my way of being is actually better than yours. Don’t do that. Listen for the purpose of understanding and appreciating your partner’s perspective so that they feel understood and respected by you.  And then when you go on vacation together, make that understanding the centerpiece of how you decide to share your time or do things separately.

One fantastic and highly effective strategy to employ in these kinds of situations is simply taking turns if it is based on understanding, respect,  kindness, generosity, and a genuine desire to support your partners, having the kind of vacation experience that they want and deserve, even if it’s different than yours.

For example, talking about your differences in advance, knowing and appreciating the fact that one of you is going to want to lay in that deck chair, read the book for multiple hours, while the other is parasailing, jumping out of planes, or whatever it is. Water skiing on the backs of dolphins, like whatever it is, understand that and build that in releasing the unhelpful mindset that will create conflict, which is this idea, we need to do everything together, we need to enjoy the same things and share the same experiences.

 No,  that is not true. Don’t even try that. Instead,  intentionally make some choices. space for each of you to go for a day or two to do your own thing,  have a fantastic time, and then reconnect later over a beautiful dinner in the bed, wherever you guys connect and talk to each other about your day, share your stories,  talk about how meaningful and amazing it was for you, and have that experience again of being heard, respected, understood.

But in this moment, you’re both going to feel energized and like you each got your cup filled up and are now in such a good place to share that fulfilled self with the other in a way that’s going to be really positive for your relationship and for both of you.  Another fantastic strategy with this is, believe it or not, to practice taking influence from each other in a healthy and positive way.

 And this means embracing the opportunity to experience the other person’s way of being and see how it feels. Notice the benefits. For example, I personally have a very, unstructured travel style. I’m super spontaneous. I want to do whatever I feel like doing and not get boxed into a lot of little plans.

Stresses me out. Thankfully,  my husband and I are actually quite compatible when it comes to our travel styles in this domain.  We’ve set off for multi week trips without having any reservations. People are like, where are you going? We’re like, we don’t know. And they’re like, Okay, have fun, but I also really enjoy traveling with my dad, who is a kind of person who schedules his travel into 15 minute increments.

He pulls out all the maps of the national parks and circles, all of the monuments and informational plaques and guided tours. And there’s a thing. information center.  There’s a film that starts at two 20. So we need to be there at two 17, like that kind of thing stresses me out. And when I practice taking influence from my dad, I get go places and do things and see things that I wouldn’t have done if it was left to my own devices.

Additionally, my dad has ended up in some places that were completely spontaneous and unstructured and that he wound up enjoying more than he thought he would. So those are examples of how we can take influence from the people around us, be open to other ways of being and say, you know what? I know something more about the mating habits of black bears in the Smoky Mountains  because of hanging out with my dad on this vacation and doing things his way.

And you know what? Maybe there’s some benefit to that. But taking influence is something that can be so beautiful if you are doing this in your relationship with your partner. You know, we think of tolerance and acceptance of somebody else’s way of being, but hey, let’s kick it up a few notches and actually really appreciate the other person’s way of being and have gratitude for the fact that you are with somebody who is not exactly like you and who challenges you to grow in ways that you probably wouldn’t if left to your own devices.

 That’s where relationship incompatibility can turn into super beautiful things  and being on vacation together is a wonderful way to let that unfold. I’ll tell you though, the thing to avoid most of all, if you and your partner have different ways of being when it comes to travel, is to avoid getting into power struggles.

Anytime you feel like you’re starting to get into a fight about whose way of being is more virtuous and correct than the others. Take a deep breath and stop. Shift  back into listening mode. Listen for the purpose of understanding and appreciating the person you love’s point of view and work to see the world through their eyes.

It is truly only from that place of understanding and respect that you can work together to create the kind of travel experience that is genuinely meaningful and pleasurable for both of you. So let’s tackle another question that can come up when love is on the loose, and that is related to whether or not it’s okay to travel alone.

This question can cause a lot of stress for couples, and it’s actually something that comes up pretty commonly because there’s another dimension of of compatibility, which is the fact that you may have interests that are different than your partners. And let me just tell you right off the bat that  this is absolutely okay,   and even many times highly beneficial for a relationship, for people to have the space and freedom to do their own thing.

And I’ll tell you why. Believe it or not, one of the most destructive forces in every relationship isn’t conflict, it is fusion. Mental, emotional, and psychological enmeshment  that makes people believe they need to be in lockstep unity about so many different things. Things that it actually breeds a lot of emotional conflict.

It creates emotional reactivity, and it also turns into power struggles where people are working really hard to make the other person be more like them. Or feeling really pressured by their partner to be somebody different than who or what they really are. There are a lot of ways to push back against that and practice healthy individuation in a relationship.

And there is no greater opportunity to do this than traveling without your partner sometimes for the purpose of exploring and developing your individuality. interests. And again, releasing the idea or the expectation that your partner should want to do the same things with you, appreciate the things that you appreciate, or even desire to have all the same life experiences that you do.

 That is an unrealistic goal. expectation for any relationship and if you hold on to that mindset and try to make that be different, it is going to create  so many problems for you.  Taking that perspective will create resentment, it will lead to power struggles, and ultimately it’s emotional reactivity that creates a lot of conflict, but even if you’re successful in making your partner conform to your standards of what they should be, it will stifle their growth and  yours.

 The choice here is emotional freedom versus emotional fusion. By cultivating your separate interests, including travel, separately, it leads to growth for each of you and it also brings new energy and experiences back to the relationship. Think about the last time you did something that you are so proud of.

super excited about. For me, I recently went to a super nerdy business development conference that I loved so much. My husband would not have been okay in that environment. Zero interest. On the other side, my husband just got back from a multi week trip to Africa, taking photos with a group of people who like to travel internationally and take photos.

I’m happy to travel internationally, but I don’t know that I need to spend my whole entire day taking pictures. He went on his own and came back and had such an amazing experience. He was walking on clouds for weeks. And that is the kind of personal development that energizes a relationship when you and your partner are both working on becoming your very best self.

Selves and figuring out, now how do we get to share who I am growing into with this other person? That is what keeps a relationship vibrant and interesting over the long haul is when both of you are constantly learning, growing, and evolving. Now, of course, there are also. some red flags when it comes to this kind of individuation.

So here’s what you have to look out for. Traveling solo has a lot of significant benefits if you are doing it to move towards something positive. Like with those personal experiences I shared, my husband and I were each moving towards a really positive life experience that was crucial to our individual values and path of development.

 And it was a really good thing. Now, this is a red flag if you are traveling solo in efforts to move away from something. Avoid something negative that you are worried could happen if you traveled together. Example, if you do have a lot of conflict when you’re traveling together, if each of you are getting irritated with the other for having different ways of being, or if there’s a lot of conflict or snipping or anxiety that’s turning into angry outbursts, that can ruin a vacation pretty quickly.

Couples who have not proactively done the work to improve their communication, cultivate deeper understanding and respect, and talk about differences in a constructive way proactively prior to going on a vacation can oftentimes get into conflicts while they’re away. So, if you or your partner is desiring solo travel as a respectful to avoid that kind of crappy vacation experience again, that is a major red flag.

And it’s a sign that there are underlying relationship issues that need to be addressed open, courageous conversations where you’re each vulnerable and loving about how you’re each feeling, what your hopes are for improvement. And if, uh, as is very common, you can’t have those kinds of conversations with each other, that’s a sign that it’s not It’s time to take this in front of a highly competent marriage and family therapist, ideally one that isn’t going to pathologize you and start throwing psychiatric diagnoses into the mix when they’re not appropriate, but rather employ relationship coaching that helps you understand where you are, what you want to be different, and then the steps that you can take.

separately and together to create the different vacation reality that you would both like to experience. Of course, if you’d like to do that kind of growth work as a couple, you are welcome to hit me up at my practice, growing self counseling and coaching. You can get in touch, request your free consultation, and we’ll talk about your hopes and goals and how we can help.

When it comes to love on the loose and traveling together, there are other things that most couples need to have conversations around in order to come into alignment and create agreements. And this includes When you’re going to be traveling together, for example, maybe you have fundamentally compatible ways of traveling.

Maybe you’re both planners or you’re both spontaneous, all is well in that dimension, but perhaps you really want to go to different places. Maybe one of you wants to spend every vacation going home to be with family. And the other one wants to go. scuba diving in some tropical location or snowboarding.

That’s okay. But it does imply that there are some differences in values that might be showing up as conflict or disagreement around how to spend your leisure time and your money around these interests and values are manifesting. stations of your values. And it is okay to have different values in a couple.

Going back to that idea between enmeshment versus individuation, you do not have to be exactly the same. The most vibrant relationships are actually between people who have a lot of differences. It’s not the fact that differences are present, it is what you do with those differences. So if there is disagreement around what to do with your time and your money, when it comes to travel, it’s time to have some very meaningful, intentional, and productive conversations about values that help you get greater understanding.

and more respect for each other’s most deeply held values. And once you have that, then you can both start putting energy into how to support and respect and enact each other’s values. in a way that is collaborative, that contains compromise, but also reality based understanding of where to come into alignment and where to practice healthy individuation.

Nobody’s values are wrong. Our job As loving and lovable partners is to understand and respect our partner’s values and also understand, respect, and articulate our own values so that we are looking for points of compromise and shared values, but also creating a lot of space. base for the fact that there are differences that are absolutely okay.

And those differences need to be encouraged in every relationship. So for example, maybe we spend half of our vacation time going to visit family and half of our vacation time snowboarding in some, you know, exotic location. And or maybe another absolutely acceptable path forward is to split that. I will go spend time with my family because that’s what I want to do.

And you can go spend time snowboarding because that is what you want to do. We will return together. Energized, refreshed, full of these amazing life experiences that we can share with each other. And it’s actually that choosing to be separate in those moments is the most honoring and respectful thing that we can do for each other and for the quality of our relationship.

Totally okay to do that. Whatever you do. Avoid getting into the fights where you’re trying to convince the other person that their way of being is wrong, their values are questionable, they are selfish for doing what they want to do, this is boring, I mean, anytime it goes into those sorts of judgment, uh, accusations or character assassination kinds of things, just stop.

Stop it. It’s always inaccurate.  It is supremacist orientation that your values and preferences are more important and valid than those of your partner and that never ends well. Very lastly, I do want to talk about some things related to love on the loose that can create major problems and be significant relationship warning signs that every couple has to pay attention to.

And I also want to load you up with some free resources that you can continue to use after this. podcast to continue your growth journey with each other. So let’s take a look at some things that are actually deeply problematic and how to handle them. The goal here is getting into alignment and And creating agreements with each other that are loving and rooted in a deep appreciation of who each other is, understanding, respect, and a commitment to helping each other be your best self in this shared life.

That is the happy path. But when things go dark. Look, here’s what you have to watch out for. The first would be if one of you is traveling alone against the other person’s wishes. I will tell you, as a professional marriage counselor and as a person that has been married for a long time, you cannot make major life decisions, including planning, going on, paying for trips, without being in alignment with your partner.

If my husband had a son, serious objection to me going on a trip by myself, I would prioritize his feelings and our relationship over my desire to have some kind of life experience, right? Because you have to prioritize the relationship. And if you can’t get into alignment, the problem isn’t whether or not you should travel alone.

The problem is that you need to work on your communication and find. A bridge to the center, nobody in any relationship should be forcing or bullying the other person into accepting something that they are really uncomfortable with. And even worse is making a unilateral decision without their consent that prioritizes your needs, rights, and feelings.

over theirs. You can’t do that and expect to have a good relationship with anybody. So if you are doing that as a reaction to not being able to solve conflict and get into alignment, that needs to be the first step. priority. And that happens by seeking to understand why your partner feels the way they do and where this is coming from and work on creating a deeper level of unity so that you have mutual I’m going to be talking about the concept of respect and understanding if you’re not able to do this.

That is a very powerful signal that it is time to get professional help for your relationship because this is more than just travel. Travel, Money, sex, parenting, all these things are like holograms of a whole relationship. The way we do little things is a tiny example of the way we do big things. So if you can’t get into alignment around traveling and eating.

You are coping with this by making unilateral decisions on your own over your partner’s protests. This, I would bet you a cookie, is showing up in a lot of other ways in your relationship. You guys need to work on communication skills, conflict resolution skills. Maybe there is avoidant behaviors going on where you’re just kind of like, nevermind doing your own thing.

Like whatever that is, it needs to be resolved effectively, or this is not a good trajectory. Another example of a significant warning flag that might come up around travel, particularly solo travel, is if it’s bringing up trust issues for you in your relationship, like your partner’s talking about taking a trip on their own, and you immediately go to, well, they’re going to cheat on me.

I’m, I’m not fundamentally secure in this relationship. We need to pause right there and figure out what’s going on. It could be that there is a legitimate basis for the trust issues that you have with your partner. Maybe regrettable things happened in the past. There was infidelity, betrayal, some kind of an attachment trauma where you really don’t trust them.

And for good reasons. But again, this goes to a deeper issue. This is not about whether or not somebody should take a trip on their own. This needs to be, what do we need to do to heal this together? Because I have unfinished emotional business with whatever happened to the point that I’m actually not comfortable with the scenario that you are proposing.

It may be that something needs to change in order for this idea to feel safer, or it might be that this is actually not okay. For example, if you have a history of infidelity in a relationship and betrayal trauma and haven’t done some very serious, serious, deep, effective healing work on that, you might not be in the kind of relationship that will tolerate going on solo trips.

Healing after trauma requires you to do things differently. There is an element of radical acceptance that can be part of this process because very real damage has been done. It may also be that one of you is carrying unresolved trauma from a past relationship or family of origin experience that actually has nothing to do with your partner and the fact that you have unresolved trauma that’s creating all this insecurity and fear about your partner having the freedom to travel solo and explore their own interests.

could be creating this enmeshment and this emotional fusion that is really unhealthy. And this is not a situation where you need to double down and try harder to control your partner. This is a situation that calls for you to recognize this anxiety in yourself. And do the work necessary to reclaim your inner sense of security, your emotional freedom for whatever happened in the past, so that it does not choke the life out of your relationship in the present.

And then lastly, a common thing that can come up for many couples that is a relationship warning sign and does require, uh, intervention is related to lack of communication. And we touched on this a little bit. So, but if your partner, booked a vacation without telling you or inviting you and then is giving you a hard time for being grumpy about that, you know, that is a huge relationship warning sign.

Every couple needs to have agreements around what’s okay and what’s not okay. And this can relate to finances, Relationships with other people, travel, all kinds of stuff. There needs to be agreements around when is it okay for us to make unilateral decisions about, you know, various things without having to consult you.

And what are things that feel significant and like we actually do need to have a conversation and agree before one of us pulls the trigger on something. It is an important growth moment for both of you to use this as an opportunity to sit down and have an ultra productive conversation around what needs to happen in order for both of you to feel loved and respected in this relationship.

To say, I don’t necessarily have a problem if you go to Thailand without me. And it’s really important, I think, for me to feel like an active participant in that decision making process so that we are in alignment and unity. And there’s also kind of a mutuality in this relationship where, you know, do I have space to take a trip that I want to go on?

Are we going to go on some trips together? How do we negotiate this? You absolutely have to be having that conversation. So communication is absolutely key, and on the bright side, having conflict about travel, or anything else for that matter, gives you the opportunity to practice, learn and practice, communication that connects, because that’s what it’s all about.

If you have good communication, you can solve any issue and come out the other side stronger than ever before. And on that note, I have some free resources that I want to share with you that will help you in that domain. First of all, I have a whole content collection on my website at growingself. com called Growing Together.

There are so many different dimensions of relationship that can potentially be a source of conflict and they can also be the font of all this growth and learning. Every point of conflict is a doorway to deeper connection. If you know how to use it that way, and that’s what my resources are for. So come to my website, growingself.

com, come on into growing together content collection, or you can also find communication that connects. I have so many free articles, episodes of the love, happiness, and success podcast on that topic, and they are all free. All for you. I want you to take advantage of them. Also, I have another free resource that I am so excited about.

Every Thursday, I’m hosting a live stream on my YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook. That is an extension. Of this week’s podcast topic. So this coming Thursday, if you happen to be catching this on a Monday or earlier in the week that I’ve released it on Thursday, I hope that you join me because we’re going to be talking about your relationship questions when it comes to love, on the loose relationships and travel and how to get into alignment around how do we enjoy traveling with each other?

How do we create clarity around how we want to be as a couple in this dimension of our lives? How do we create space? space for each other to do our own thing and feel okay about that. We’re going to talk about it all. So join me this coming Thursday at 12 PM Mountain or 2 PM Eastern on any of the socials.

You could also get in touch and advance growingself. com forward slash dear hyphen Lisa. If you have burning questions that you want to be sure I answer on this week’s live stream, let me know what they are. You get first priority. Otherwise, just jump into the chat and we will, we will talk about your situation in real time.

And also that growingself. com forward slash dear hyphen Lisa, you can submit your question, but also sign up to get reminders about when the live stream is coming on. And you’ll also, we’ll email you a recap of the live stream. So in case you couldn’t make it in person, if I answer your question, you’ll be able to see it.

See the video. Okay. So that is our talk for today. I do sincerely hope that this was helpful for you. Love on the loose and how to create not just compatibility and alignment, but also freedom and individuation in a, in a vibrant and evolving relationship. together. I hope that this conversation has given you a lot of new perspective, things to think about, things to try, new strategies to experiment with.

And, um, let me know how it goes. If you have comments or reactions, I would love to hear them. You can leave your comments on the socials, YouTube, or if you’re on my website right now, leave it in the comment section of this video. Post. I love hearing from you. If you have followup questions on this or a related topic, let me know and we will talk about it on another episode of love, happiness, and success.

All right, take care.