Boundaries vs. Ultimatums

Boundaries are essential components of healthy, happy relationships. But as a couples counselor and a relationship coach, I know that boundaries sometimes get confused with ultimatums. The terms may seem interchangeable, but ultimatums do not support healthy connections in the same way that boundaries do. While boundaries are about clearly communicating your needs and standards, ultimatums can feel controlling and threatening, and can make relationships feel less secure. Let’s explore boundaries vs ultimatums, and how setting boundaries effectively can keep your connection strong.  

What Are Boundaries?

Simply put, a boundary is your own personal limit. When you set boundaries with others, you are simply communicating clearly about where your limits are and what you need from them. This gives both of you a roadmap to navigate your feelings, needs, and expectations together. Setting a boundary gives the other person the opportunity to respond to your needs in a way that strengthens the relationship, building trust and a sense of security in your connection. When everyone knows where the line is, they know what to expect, and they can relax knowing that if there are problems in the relationship there’s a safe way to work through conflict together. 

For example, if your partner brings up uncomfortable topics in front of others, you could set a boundary by saying, “I’m not comfortable talking about this in front of friends, so I’m not going to participate in those conversations anymore.” You’re not threatening to punish your partner if they don’t do what you want, you’re letting them know how you feel and what they can expect from you. 

When our boundaries have been pushed, our threshold for what we can handle emotionally goes down. So for example, if my boundaries are being pushed, I may not be able to handle a comment that my husband made, or a tantrum from my toddler in the way that I might be capable of, had my needs been met. This is important to recognize, because when your boundaries have been pushed, you may feel the impulse to throw down an ultimatum. 

What Are Ultimatums?

Unlike boundaries, ultimatums follow an “if X, then Y” structure. They can feel controlling and punitive, focused on the consequences the other person will face if they don’t do what you say. Ultimatums often involve threats to break up or leave the relationship, which creates insecurity and mistrust. There is a time and a place to talk about whether the relationship has a future, but it’s not helpful to issue threats if your goal is to improve the relationship. 

An example of an ultimatum would be telling your partner that if they bring up the uncomfortable topic again in front of friends, that you will break up with them. Instead of getting the opportunity to respond to your feelings and needs, your partner will feel cornered, and like they have no choice but to do what you say. Over time, they’ll likely start to feel resentful about this power dynamic in the relationship, and it may even lead the relationship to fail. 

Ultimatums After an Affair

I often see couples in affair recovery counseling who are struggling with boundaries vs ultimatums. The partner who was cheated on may want to stay, but threaten to leave if certain conditions aren’t met, which is understandable after such a profound betrayal of trust. Unfortunately, issuing an ultimatum after an affair can lead to more concealing and hiding from the partner who cheated, rather than the openness and honesty that you need to restore trust and security in the relationship. 

Instead of delivering an ultimatum to your partner, you could set a boundary by saying something like, “I need full transparency with you in order to rebuild trust. This is what transparency looks like to me,” and then clearly explain what you need. Rather than issuing a threat, you’re inviting them to do this work with you. Now your partner has an opportunity to demonstrate their commitment to repairing your relationship, and you have the opportunity to make your own choice about what you will do if they can’t or won’t follow through. 

Support for Healthy Relationships

If you find yourself contemplating an ultimatum, that is a signal that you and your partner could benefit from working with a good couples counselor. Look for a marriage and family therapist who uses evidence-based approaches to couples counseling. They will be able to help you navigate the complexities of setting healthy boundaries in your relationship in ways that create transformative shifts in your dynamic. 

If you’re ready to start this journey, I invite you to schedule a free consultation so that we can discuss your hopes and goals. 

Sincerely, 

Sara S., M.A., LPC, MFTC