Dealing With Heartache? Get Your Questions About Breakups Answered.

Why do I feel ashamed that I’m still not over it?

There’s this weird expectation we put on ourselves that says: Okay, it’s been a few weeks/months/whatever — I should be over it by now. And if you’re not, you start wondering, What’s wrong with me?

Let me say this as clearly as possible: There is nothing wrong with you.

Healing heartache isn’t a linear process. It depends on so many things — the depth of attachment, how the breakup happened, what you’re telling yourself about it, and how much support you have.

Also, if you were blindsided by a breakup that makes recovery way harder. Why? Because your mind doesn’t just have to process grief. It has to make sense of a reality that doesn’t match your expectations. And that kind of cognitive dissonance is exhausting.

If you feel like you’re “behind” on your healing? You’re not. You’re exactly where you need to be. Be patient with your heartache. It’s doing its job.

I see my ex all the time — what can I do?

Ugh. This one is the emotional equivalent of getting stuck in a hot air balloon… floating over a battlefield while people throw rocks at you. Whether it’s because you work together, share a social circle, or (heaven help you) they’re dating someone in your friend group — you can’t escape the constant reminders.

Breaking up is hard enough. If you’re trapped in an environment that’s constantly retraumatizing you, it’s critical that you find ways to reclaim your power after the breakup. This situation calls for what I lovingly refer to as your breakup playbook: clear boundaries, emotional triage, and sometimes, strategic avoidance (a.k.a. taking a different stairwell). 

You may not be able to leave your job today, but you do have options. Can you change teams? Work remotely a couple days a week? Rearrange your schedule to avoid overlap?

You can also start by consciously reframing your role as the chooser in your life. Yes, it sucks. But you are not powerless. Even if you choose to stay in this environment (for now), make it a conscious choice. Reframe your mindset from “I have to endure this” to “I’m choosing this for now — and I’m actively making plans to change it.” That mindset shift alone can restore a sense of empowerment.

And also? Lean hard on your support system. You cannot white-knuckle this alone. This is when breakup coaching or a healing community like our Heartbreak Recovery Collective can make all the difference.

You might also consider taking a look at this piece about leaving a toxic relationship. It’s not just about cutting ties—it’s about cutting emotional cords.

“Why do I feel like my ex ‘won’ the breakup?”

Ah, yes. The comparison trap.

They’re out there living their best life, dating someone new, going to the gym, taking vacations… meanwhile, you’re over here crying in sweatpants and questioning your worth.

But here’s what you don’t see: their highlight reel is not their healing process. And moving on quickly doesn’t mean they’re healthy — it usually means they’re avoiding.

You’re actually doing the brave thing. You’re feeling your feelings. You’re doing the hard, messy, uncomfortable work of grieving the breakup, reflecting, and growing. That means you’re not just going to “get over it” — you’re going to come through this wiser, stronger, and more self-aware than ever before.

So let them “win” the superficial race. You’re running a marathon toward authentic wholeness.

How Do I Actually Move On From This?

This is the big one, right?

The path to freedom isn’t mysterious. It’s a process. In my Heal From Heartbreak Program, I guide people through the nine core stages of healing. It’s a step-by-step roadmap rooted in psychology and evidence-based strategies that’s designed to help you:

• Understand why you feel so stuck—and what to do about it
• Process your emotions in a healthy, productive way
• Rebuild your self-worth (even if your ex tanked it!)
• Stop obsessive thinking and reclaim your power
• Learn how to love again—wisely this time

Whether you’re grieving, obsessing, stalking, or just existing in emotional limbo, you can get through this. And when you move through it intentionally — with guidance and support — your heartbreak becomes a launchpad for the best version of your life yet. 

And you can start your transformation right now.
👉 Join the Heal From Heartbreak Program

Xoxo
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

P.S. Wondering where you really are in your recovery journey? Take the Breakup Quiz: How Over Your Ex Are You? to get a personalized report that tells you what stage of healing you’re in and what your next step should be to recover from your breakup.

Also, if someone you care about is going through a heartbreak right now, send them this article. Sometimes, hearing they’re not alone is the best gift you can give.

Resources:

Mikulincer, M., & Erev, I. (1991). Attachment style and the structure of romantic love. British Journal of Social Psychology, 30(4), 273-291. https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.2044-8309.1991.tb00946.x

Robson Jr, J. P., & Troutman-Jordan, M. (2014). A concept analysis of cognitive reframing. Journal of Theory Construction & Testing, 18(2). https://www.academia.edu/download/49265035/A_Concept_Analysis_of_Cognitive_Reframing.pdf

Rhoades, G. K., Kamp Dush, C. M., Atkins, D. C., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Breaking up is hard to do: the impact of unmarried relationship dissolution on mental health and life satisfaction. Journal of family psychology, 25(3), 366. https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2011-08238-001.html