Can you have healthy boundaries, and still be “nice?”
Have you ever felt taken advantage of, not heard, or just unappreciated? So many of us know what it's like to be ignored in meetings, to be interrupted when we're talking, or to feel invisible at a party. It's no fun to be walked all over. Yet this is a very common experience. As a life coach and therapist, I can't tell you how many clients I've worked with that have experienced just that and don't know what to do about it.
There are several misconceptions and fears around speaking up for oneself that block us from being assertive. And, let's face it, most of us haven't had anyone sit down and teach us the tools and skills involved in setting boundaries. But boundaries are, in fact, some of the basic building blocks of assertiveness, confidence, and even self-worth. They are the invisible bubbles we create to help us be safe, happy and respected.
If you are like most clients I've worked with and, really, most people, you might think being assertive and setting boundaries is selfish, will make you look like a braggadocios bully, or even leave you without any friends (or all of the above, am I right?). So let's correct some of these fallacies about boundaries once and for all and clear a path to assertive living!
Misconceptions, Fears and Realities About Healthy Boundaries
Misconception #1: Boundaries are Selfish
The classic example of setting a boundary is saying “No,” whether that looks like letting a colleague know their behavior isn't okay with you, not giving a friend what they want, or letting a family member experience the consequences of their own behavior. You might be thinking, “But if you are a good friend you don't say no,” or “Isn't it selfish of me to ‘abandon' someone I care about?”
Here's the good news:
The Reality: Good, generous, kind people set boundaries. By protecting us from being spread too thin or just put in uncomfortable situations, saying no and setting boundaries allows us to give more of what we can. Boundaries free up our resources to help those we care about more effectively. In fact, setting boundaries with our loved ones gives them the opportunity to become more self-aware and grow. In short, boundaries help us and others be our best selves.
Misconception #2: Boundaries are Aggressive
We've all had the pleasure of knowing a social bully. He's the loud office mate who overpowers everyone else in meetings or the girlfriend around whom you always find yourself feeling small and meek, intimidated. Often, being assertive gets confused with being aggressive. But wait…
The Reality: Calm, Humble People Set Boundaries
Aggressiveness involves infringing on the boundaries and rights of others and usually steps on other people's feelings. It is a highly emotional, intense state of being associated with the fight in our flight or fight response. Setting boundaries assertively, on the other hand, requires we be calm and unemotional in order to communicate clearly and detach from the outcome (something we'll talk more about a little later).
There is a spectrum of assertiveness. On the one extreme, there is aggressive behavior. On the other is passive behavior. The “sweet spot” of healthy boundaries happens somewhere in between the two. Here's a handy diagram to help clear things up:
Misconception #3: If I Set Boundaries, People Won't Like Me
Yes, I know, you've probably experienced setting a boundary and losing someone. The pain of that lost relationship lingers with you and seemingly forever solidifies the mantra “I'm never putting my foot down again! Look what it cost me.” The truth is that sometimes being assertive or setting a boundary does filter out unhelpful relationships from our lives. And, regardless of the healthiness of the relationship, it hurts.
The Reality: Likable People Set Boundaries
It's also true that people like to know where they stand and what to expect. Setting boundaries requires us to be consistently authentic. This predictability makes people feel safe and naturally drawn to you. Respecting your own boundaries also builds the respect others have for you. After all, healthy people are drawn to healthy people. If you desire more healthy, fulfilling relationships in your life, a good place to start is by focusing on your own, healthy boundaries.
Want to Have Healthier Boundaries? Where to Go From Here…
Remember those mysterious tools and skills I mentioned earlier? Now that we've begun to clear some of the obstacles in your path to assertive living, let's give you a toolbox to take on your journey.
Tips for Setting Boundaries
- Be Specific and Clear: An effective, helpful boundary ensures you and the receiver are on the same page and creates a built-in safety net for any inevitable, pesky push-back. A good rule of thumb is to use an if/then I statement that includes a consequence. For example, “If you don't stop talking to me in an angry tone, I will leave the room.” It's always a good idea to set a consequence that affects the receiver more than yourself if possible and — I can't stress this enough! — one you can stick to!
- Make Boundaries Realistic: Don't set yourself up for frustration by setting a boundary no normal human being could satisfy with consequences only a heartless robot could enforce. For example, rather than stating “If you ever cancel plans with me again, I won't speak to you for the rest of my life!,” try “If you stand me up again I will be very upset and tell you how I feel.” Don't bluff; give yourself permission to be where you are and set a boundary you can own.
- Let go of the Outcome: Finally, know that setting boundaries is not an effective way to manipulate or control. Those are actually great examples of poor relationship boundaries! When you set a boundary and know how you will respond if it isn't respected, you are taking care of yourself. For example, if you tell your partner “If you don't pay bills on time for the next month, I will take over our financial responsibilities,” be ready to accept it if your partner gets you stuck with another late fee. Letting go of the outcome doesn't mean not feeling emotions such as disappointment or sadness. Rather, it means knowing you are prepared to manage these emotions and respond in an effective, helpful way that honors your boundaries.
So, go ahead, try out something small. Your path is clearing up nicely. We've pulled up the weeds and you have a good starter-kit in your toolbox. You're on your way to assertive living! You know how to find me if you'd like a companion as you go through your journey.