Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex
Thinking about your Ex ALL the time? Here’s why, and how to stop.
WHY YOU CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR EX: Is your Ex always on your mind? Do you think about your Ex first thing in the morning, throughout the day, and last thing at night? Does every little thing trigger memories of your Ex?
If you are like many (most? all?) people struggling with the aftermath of a painful breakup — even a breakup that you know was the right thing for both of you — you may find yourself tormented with non-stop thoughts about your Ex.
Have you ever found yourself saying (or thinking) “How do I stop caring about my Ex? Why am I still thinking about my Ex? I don’t care! But I do…” Like so many of our breakup counseling clients or divorce recovery clients, you’re wanting to fully heal your heart so that you can let go of the past, and move forward into a new future.
But —as we all know — letting go of a relationship is easier said than done. It’s close to impossible to turn off your feelings for someone else, even when you know, logically, that the relationship should be over.
Many people come to us for therapy or coaching after a breakup or divorce for this exact reason: They need support in figuring out how to move past the past, reclaim their power, and start feeling good again. The most maddening thing is often knowing the relationship is over…and yet they’re still thinking about their Ex. Still fantasizing about them even. They sometimes think about getting back together with their Ex, or whether they should try to rekindle the relationship. Sometimes they try… and quickly remember all the very good reasons why they broke up.
And yet, despite knowing that the relationship is wrong for them (or perhaps even toxic) they still think about their Ex. They still care about their Ex. They still feel jealous knowing that their Ex has moved on. They hurt… and they want it to stop.
But how? How can you break your attachment to someone? How do you turn off the feelings? How do you stop thinking about your Ex?
Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex
One of the first things we do with breakup and divorce recovery clients in therapy or coaching is helping them make sense of their feelings so that they can learn and grow from them. Also, we need to normalize what is happening: Having lingering feelings for an Ex is very common, and there are many complex reasons for it.
Sometimes, people can’t get past a breakup because they have unfinished emotional business with the past. They have lingering feelings of guilt, anger, regret, or pain that are holding them in the past. They may never have gotten closure around their relationship having ended. They need to do the work of growing and healing before they can move on.
Sometimes, people are still thinking about their Ex for months, or even years after the relationship ended because of lingering insecurities or comparisons they’re making — even subconsciously. This is often true when your Ex has moved on before you have. The path to healing here is to focus on growing your own self-confidence, and feeling like you’re moving towards your goals.
Perhaps the most insidious kind of Ex-attachment is that related to your biology: When you don’t understand how you’re maintaining your attachment to your Ex on a neurological level, you can get stuck for years — even though you want desperately to move on. (For much more on this subject check out my book, “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to An Ex Love”)
Yes, it’s hard to stop thinking about your Ex, but it’s also necessary. Not being able to move on emotionally after a breakup or divorce can impact your life in major ways. Here are just a few of the consequences you might be experiencing… Can you relate?
"I have tried counseling for about a decade with various counselors and have never been able to connect or grow with them. [My Growing Self Coach] has connected with me genuinely and helped me grow more in two meetings then several counselors have done in a decade.”
Dating While You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex
Continuing to have feelings for an Ex is not just frustrating, it can also limit your ability to move on and start a new, healthy relationship with someone else. When you’re dating while you still have feelings for your Ex, it can interfere with your ability to form a new attachment. Comparing your new love interests to your Ex can also lead to your breaking things off with someone who could be great for you. If you’re officially broken up but still sleeping with your Ex? No judgment (this is surprisingly common) but you’re going to be stuck for a long time unless you make some changes.
Emotional Zombie: When Your Feelings For Your Ex Die… But Then Come Back
Another thing we often hear about are situations where you think you’re over your Ex but then something happens: Your Ex moves on into a new relationship or you have some new contact with them, and the feelings flare up all over again. Or perhaps you’re still connected with your Ex through social media or have shared friends. When you see or hear about your Ex starting a new chapter without you, it can bring all the pain, regret, anxieties, and even jealousy roaring back.
If these feelings are strong enough, they can get in the way of you enjoying your life in the present. It can be hard to focus or concentrate at work, you might worry about running into your Ex and their new partner, or you might even make life decisions based on your feelings about the breakup. None of this is good for you or fair to you.
The path to recovery often involves working through complex feelings related to grief, longing, guilt, regret, anger, and even self-forgiveness. While you can’t “turn off” feelings about an Ex, you absolutely can use them to do important personal growth work that will move you forward.
How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex, For Good
If you’re still thinking about your Ex, and wishing you could let go and move on, today’s episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast is for you.
On today’s episode we’ll be discussing:
- Why you can’t stop thinking about your Ex
- Why understanding your biology can set you free
- What to do when you’re obsessing about your Ex’s new relationship
- Why anger and guilt can keep you trapped in the past
- How to build your self esteem back up after a breakup
- How to let go of insecurities and jealousy about your Ex’s new relationship
- How to get closure after a relationship has ended
- How to let go of a toxic relationship
- How to (authentically and honestly) work through the feelings in a healthy way
- How to use this experience as a launchpad for growth
- Why traditional talk therapy can keep you stuck in obsessions about your Ex, and why evidence-based breakup recovery coaching that uses cognitive strategies breaks you free
Your partner in growth,
P.S: Some of the resources I mentioned on this podcast refer to other past episodes, other articles on the blog, and also some listener questions about breakups I answered on IGTV. I’ve sprinkled links to them through this article, but here’s one more: Our “How Healthy is Your Self Esteem” quiz.
Do you have follow up questions for me? Get in touch through Instagram, or leave them for me in the comments below! LMB
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Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex? How to Let Go and Move On...
Music Credits: Torrelli and the Fuse, “Forgive and Remember”
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Such a helpful and encouraging podcast! Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is incredibly personable and well spoken. I will definitely be using the resources at growingself.com to help me finally get over my relationship that ended over a year ago. I’ve been frustrating myself with my own thoughts for so long but after listening to this I feel like I actually have hope 🙂
I am so glad to hear that Krystopher. Thank you for sharing! I bet other people who are in the place you were a year ago reading this will feel hopeful hearing from you that it gets better. It sounds like you’ve done a ton of hard work, and that it’s paid off. Congratulations! All this growth is yours to keep from now until always. You earned it. xoxo, Lisa
I feel this podcast is exactly what I needed, thank you very much for your work <3
Do you mind leaving a quick list or summary of the 5 layers for reference?
Here they are! xo, LMB
Hey Dr Lisa Marie Bobby I loved your podcast so inspiration. its exactly what i need I went through a really rough breakup like 5 mouths ago and I never really was able to let go of. We started off as best friends we were so close we would go to each other for everything and then we ended up liking each other and we were together for 4 months. The day that it happened and I saw the text saying “its over” I just couldn’t move, it felt like my soul left my body for a feel seconds. Then I got to that stage were I really thought I was over it and I started dating again with this really really great guy. The exact day we went on a date i had a meltdown about my ex and it just hurt cause i thought i was done with him i though I was over him. Even I still had those thought about my ex I still ended up dating the guy to see if I was able to push that aside and move on and I wasn’t it still hurt. Still today I still think about him and my brain keeps replaying all the memories and every time “our” song would come on I would still get sad and empty. He just mad me feel so happy so special. When he smiles I feel like I don’t have to worry about anything. The reason we broke up is because we got into a huge argument. I Feel like it not him that I miss its the relationship but I don’t know cause I still think about him. I was always, always with him. I hated when he left my whole mood just changed when he left the room. I was just so attached to him i never wanted to let go of him and even the thought of it made me so sad. There was something about him,I don’t know but he was just so special to me I would do anything for him. When he was in trouble I was always the first one there not him friends not him family. It just still hurts you know. I feel like there always gonna be that special spot for him in my heart, i’m always gonna care for him and look out for him or be there when hes in a rough situation. If he had something going on I would always still check up and make sure he all good.If you could wrote back I would really appreciate it.
Yazmin, I’m sorry that this has been so painful for you. I’m hearing that you hooked through the gills and that, like many, you are still suffering long after the relationship ended. I would recommend that you stop dating and instead, get serious about doing the work of growth and healing that will allow you to break your attachment to your Ex and not just move on but grow from the experience.
I would recommend enlisting the support of a good therapist who really understands the addictive nature of love and who uses evidence-based approaches to breakup recovery that help you stop the obsessive thinking and take your power back.
If you’d like to do that work with one of the breakup recovery coaches at Growing Self, the first step would be to schedule a free consultation meeting to discuss your hopes and see if it’s a good fit. Then you can begin to do the work of releasing this attachment and getting a handle on the thoughts and feelings that are keeping you stuck in the past. Once that work is done, THEN you will be emotionally available to begin a happy, healthy new relationship with someone who loves you back.
Gotta do that work though Yazmin. Time does NOT heal, and these thoughts and feelings are unlikely to go away on their own.
Wishing you all the best on your journey of growth and healing,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
I feel like I’m being tortured when my ex randomly pops up in my mind even 4 years later, thought I had closure, and just right away hearing your words, knowing someone understands, is very relieving. I hope your podcast can help me move on with my life. Thank you.
This was a great podcast. I’m at a point where I know missing my ex and feeling hurt about her having moved on has nothing to do with HER. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I started highschool and I know it comes down to the fact that my self esteem is at an all time low. My self esteem has been the crutch of every relationship I’ve had since as long as i can remember. It’s always been thin, but it’s crashed now for several reasons but my ex was the camel killer. I’m trying to do things to build my self esteem, to feel better about myself, to be happy with myself because I know that’s the key for me, but am I just doomed to be haunted by her until I build my esteem back up? Cause that could take me months even years! Am I just stuck in one of middle layers even though I know what it’s really about? Also I have no real human connections anymore so how am I supposed to make new ones with this last one haunting me?
Logan, thank you for reaching out. In reading your question I can’t help but think of another comment that came though on the blog recently from someone who had a persistent crush on a professor, despite her commitment to her marriage, and how to be able to move on from these persistent feelings.
I’m linking to my response to her, (scroll down to my reply to “Anon.” Pay special attention to the part about the dangers (or at least futility) of buying in to “therapy” that involves a hyper-focus on all the things wrong with you, like low self esteem. I fear this may have happened to you, and it’s not helping you. I wonder if you too could benefit from a more active, positive, strengths-based approach that teaches you skills and strategies that support your wellness instead of your continued disempowerment?
Also, NO: I do not agree that you “should not be alone until you feel better about yourself.” We humans are built to bond, and part of being healthy and happy is based on the quality of our connections. Relationships are the path of growth — not the destination.
I believe you deserve more Logan, and I’m not sure you’ve been getting the guidance and support you need to move forward. Time to take action, and BE DONE with this pining / self-flagellation thing for good. xoxo, LMB
Is it possible to have this kind of treatment while the person is in a new relationship, and doing this to be able to marry?
Lorena, I think what you’re asking is whether it’s okay to be working through these painful feelings about an Ex if you are also, simultaneously in a serious relationship with someone new? (A relationship serious enough to be heading towards marriage?) If that is the case, I would encourage you to consider the possibility that you are not currently emotionally available for your new partner right now, and it may be in both of your long-term best interests to hit “pause” on this new relationship until you are.
I say this because, first of all, your future husband deserves to be with someone who is crazy about him, and not secretly pining away for another guy. I mean, really. How would you feel if you were getting married to someone who couldn’t stop thinking about an ex-girlfriend? It would break your heart.
Furthermore, if you’re not completely “in the pool” so to speak, it increases the likelihood of conflict and unhappiness in your current relationship. If you’re secretly comparing your partner (unfavorably) to another person, it’s hard to have the commitment and respect required for a happy, healthy marriage. Also, if your partner feels your ambivalence (and trust me, he might not KNOW but he will still FEEL the truth) it can lead to anxiety in the relationship that will wind up pushing you further away, over time.
If you’re serious about having a healthy marriage with someone you love, my advice would be to get serious about doing some growth and healing work on your own first. I recommend seeking out therapy or evidence-based coaching that’s focused on helping you break the attachment to your ex for good.
Even though it feels impossible now there can come a time when your Ex is literally not even a though in your head. Just not important. But getting there takes intentional, strategic work. Time alone will not heal, and rehashing the past won’t either. Gotta do the work!
I believe in you Lorena! xoxo, LMB
Thank you so much for your podcast. It has really shed some light on how and why I feel like I do.
My ex and I were together for 11 years in a relationship that was never great from the start mainly due to my jealousy. I blame myself for the breakup because I was a very jealous, insecure and a paranoid partner. I would go as far as saying somewhat controlling, although I never intended to be or was aware of my behaviour being that way.
We share two children and have to remain in contact for their benefit. During the 14 months we have been separated I have allowed my grief to completely take over, I accessed her social media accounts and found things I didn’t want to see (things she had done, guys she had been with, all whilst we were separated) and I made things really difficult for her. I acted out of anger and pain, and said and did things (foiled sexual messages between her and her friends partner) that I can’t take back. This has caused me to just push her further away. We have recently spent time together with both of our children, it was really nice and just made me feel like we were a family again. I think it just gave me hope that we could work things out, that there was still something there between us. After initially feeling like I had got through the worst of the grief having taken some time off work shortly after the relationship ended, I feel like I am back to square one following a conversation whereby I asked if there was ever a chance for us again, she has told me that there is no way back for us and she doesn’t really have any feelings anymore due to everything that has been said and done since we separated. I’m heartbroken and can’t shake the thought of her out kissing and moving on with other men. She has given me closure but even now I can’t let go. I guess I am still hoping she will change her mind and her and my children will come back to me so we can be a family again and do all the things we talked about doing as a family. The pain is so bad.
Thank you again for your podcast, it’s helped me to understand why I feel like I do.
Aaron, I’m so sorry to hear about all of this. It sounds like it’s been such a terrible, painful experience for you and I can understand why. I am glad to know that the podcast has helped you get perspective and compassion for yourself. I do hope that you continue to engage in the type of growth and healing work that will help you get closure, release the attachment, and move on emotionally. Sounds like you have a couple of kiddos there depending on you. I know that it’s hard to coparent with an Ex but I hope that your commitment to being a great dad provides you with motivation to continue working on yourself, and doing what you need to do to be healthy and well.
You’re on your way — keep going!
xoxo, Lisa
This podcast was wonderful and hopeful. Thank you.
My challenge has been in social media checking of an ex who ghosted me a couple years ago.
I’ve since blocked his number and social media accounts but I still find myself occasionally combing the net for info on him. I didn’t get closure from him (dont need it) but I’m wondering why I have this obsession with checking the internet and going into a downward spiral until I’ve had enough and lick my wounds until the next time I start checking again.
It’s a tough self destructive cycle and I’d love to be past it.
I completely agree. It sounds like it’s difficult for you to control the compulsions to “check” even though you know you shouldn’t. This pattern is not something that is going to be resolved by me dropping one miraculous nugget of advice, however there is something that can help. I would recommend something called “cognitive behavioral therapy” which is a type of evidence-based therapy that focuses on helping you change your thoughts and get in control of your behaviors, so that you can feel better.
Like any truly meaningful personal growth work, it’s going to take some new self-awareness and intentional effort to learn and incorporate these new skills. And, my hope for you is that through this effective therapy, you’ll get to a place where you feel much more in control and have good skills in place to NOT indulge the impulse to check.
Then, when you get really good at that part, in time, your new cognitive skills will make it so that this person is just no longer a thought in your head. Then you’ll be free!
Cognitive behavioral therapy. I hope you look into it, I think it could really help you.
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Thank you so much Dr. Bobby! You really know your stuff. You literally listed EVERY thought and behavior I have done since my break up. It has officially been 1 year, but I’m still ruminating. I listened to your podcast before falling asleep and I woke up the next morning feeling great. The triggers were less intense.
I believe I am at the longing, guilt and jealousy phase. I think that putting a label on it helps me understand what’s going on and helps me move through it.
I have been very confused by my ex coming into my life to tell me she was in a relationship with this guy that we both worked with. We broke up last year in may but finally separated in September. She called me in December because her mother died and I helped her though it. I would stay on the phone with her until she feel asleep.
Before helping her I did ask her was she talking to the guy and she said no. Fast forward she’s been contacting me all this year and I haven’t responded back. I did not respond until after July 9th. She told me she did have a relationship with the guy but he blocked her.
She told me he was on a trip in December that’s why he didn’t talk to her when her mom died. I didn’t feel too bad I just hated allowing her to use me to fill her loneliness. She subconsciously took advantage of me and I allowed it.
You helped me realized my anger was with myself and I had jealousy for that relationship because she stopped having sex with me a long time ago. And she brought him in before we finally separated but had the nerve to call.
Your pod cast really help. Your voice is super soothing please don’t stop helping you’re really good at this.
Hi Liam! Thank you for listening, and I’m so glad to know that this podcast was helpful to you. It sounds like you’re doing wonderful work around self-awareness, getting perspective, releasing your attachment, and in creating a new narrative to help you understand your relationship in a new way. This is fantastic. I’m so glad to hear that these ideas are helping to support you on your journey. Sounds like you’re doing a really good job — keep going! You’re doing it!
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby