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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified coach, AAMFT clinical supervisor, host of the Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast and founder of Growing Self.
There are few questions more terrifying, more soul-shaking, or more likely to keep you awake at 3 a.m. than this one: How to know when your marriage is over? I mean… whew. Just saying that out loud makes my stomach flip. Because when you’re trying to discern whether your marriage is over, you’re not just wondering about a relationship — you’re questioning your entire life. Your identity, your finances, your family, your future. It’s no small thing.
And yet, as gut-wrenching as it is to consider ending a marriage, there’s also a huge cost to staying in a dead or deeply unhappy one. So if you’re here, wondering if it’s time to pull the plug or whether there’s still a spark worth saving, I’ve got you.
I’ve walked beside so many people (individuals and couples alike) as they’ve stood in the same uncertain crossroads where you may be right now. And in a recent episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast, I devoted an entire deep-dive on how to know when your marriage is over— not just to talk about the signs your relationship is failing, but also to explore how discernment coaching can be crucial to finding clarity and peace of mind.
Let’s unpack some of the biggest takeaways.
How Do You Know When Your Marriage Is Over?
Most people think the end of a marriage should come with a red flashing siren and a giant “EXIT HERE” sign. But that’s not what usually happens.
In my experience? 90% of the time, the decision to leave a marriage is clouded in ambiguity. There hasn’t been one big, explosive event. It’s just this long, slow ache — disconnection, boredom, resentment, loneliness. No passion, no fun, and a creeping feeling of “Can this marriage be saved?”
Sound familiar?
People in this space often say things like, “I almost wish something dramatic would happen — just so I’d have relationship clarity.” But the truth is, the slow, quiet breakdown of a marriage can be just as painful… and harder to navigate, because there’s no clear yes or no.
Is It Really Over — Or Are You Just Worn Out?
Here’s something I need you to hear:
Most people don’t want their relationship to be over. They want their relationship to be better.
You want to feel loved. Seen. Safe. Like you’re on a team. But when you’ve tried everything you know to do — relationship books, talks, couples therapy (maybe even therapy that made things worse!), you start asking yourself how to know when your marriage is over — not because you’re done loving this person, but because the pain of staying stuck in an unhappy marriage is just too much.
It’s easy to lose hope. It feels like all the doors to change are locked from the inside. Sometimes, though, it’s not that change is impossible. It’s that you’ve been knocking on the wrong doors.
Not All Therapy is Created Equal
Let’s talk about something most people don’t know: not all therapists are trained in couples work.
I know — gasp. But it’s true. Many well-meaning therapists are trained to work with individuals, not couples. And when therapy doesn’t work, couples understandably assume: “We tried. It didn’t work. I guess we’re doomed.”
That’s why, if you’re serious about understanding how to know when your marriage is over (or whether it can be repaired), you need help from a therapist who specializes in evidence-based relationship work. Think: emotionally focused couples therapy, the Gottman Method, or relationship coaching delivered by a licensed marriage and family therapist.
If your last round of therapy didn’t help, don’t write off your relationship just yet. You might’ve just had the wrong support.
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