What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.
Can You Help Someone Who Won't Help Themselves?
What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem.
Does Your Partner Have a Problem?
It is agonizing to be in a relationship with someone you love very much, but who has a serious — and untreated — problem. If your partner is struggling with something like depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, pornography addiction, ADHD or PTSD it can wreak absolute havoc in your relationship, not to mention make you (both) miserable. And it can be hard to tell when “being supportive” slides into “being codependent.” If the problem has been going on for a long time, it may even make you question whether you should continue to support and help your partner… or whether it's time to cut your losses and end the relationship.
This topic has been on my mind lately, as I've recently had a number of listeners of my Love, Happiness and Success Podcast ask me these questions:
- How do I help my partner who is depressed (or anxious / ADHD / addicted to something) and refuses to get help?
- What are signs your partner will get their act together, and what are signs you should break up?
- How do I help my husband who is suffering from PTSD, and won't talk to anyone?
- How many chances should I give my alcoholic / addicted partner?
- I promised, “For better or for worse,” but it wrong of me to bail on this marriage if my spouse is not holding up their end of the bargain?
- Is my boyfriend ever going to be cured of his pornography addiction?
- Should I feel guilty for ending this relationship, even if I feel like I need to save myself?
These are big, serious questions. But you, my dear listener, told me this is what is important to you… and I'm listening to you. We're going there on this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. I hope that this discussion helps you find your way through this dark time, and back into clarity and inner peace.
All the best to you,
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What To Do When Your Partner Has a Problem
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She's the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Hi lisa,
I was wondering wether you would be able to advise me.
My fiance of 4 years, and we had a very stable loving relationship, has recently learned of our stepdaughter having an abortion nearly 9 months ago. Since hearing this news, she has completely shut down on me. Started drinking heavily and seems to pay no attention to our little family at home. When shes not working she is out. She has surrounded herself with people who she has never cared about and who dont care for her. Is there anything i can do except sit and wait for her, in the hope that she returns? As she does not want to hear me when i offer support and an ear for her to talk to. Im seriously concerned for her wellbeing as even our stepdaughter who had the abortion cannot understand the way she has gone. Ive been doing a lot of reading and i understand that our reactions go back to our childhoods? As hers was a sexually abusive one at the hands of her stepfather could this be a subconcious coping method? And if so, will she ever come back out of herself?
Many thanks
Steve
Steve, thanks for reaching out. You are right: This is an odd reaction. It would be completely irresponsible of me to try to diagnose or speculate on whether your fiance has unfinished business with the past that has gotten triggered by your daughter’s disclosure.
What I AM hearing loud and clear in your story is that YOU are trying to have a relationship with someone who has substance abuse issues, is emotionally (and literally) unavailable, and who is not being a good partner for you. If she does have mental health issues, it is up to her to address them.
My recommendation is that you turn your attention back to yourself, to your family, and to what you need and want in your life to be happy and fulfilled. Then, go and create that for yourself. Your figuring out how to set boundaries around your needs, rights and feelings will not just help you, it may motivate your partner to seek help if she realizes that she will need to bring her healthy, best self to the table if she wants to continue being in a relationship with a healthy person like YOU.
All the best,
Lisa Marie Bobby
Hey Lisa,
Me and my girlfriend of 1 year and 7 months are on a relationship break. She is in nursing school and has a full time job but has caused her to be highly depressed and stressed and she said she doesn’t know who she is anymore. There was times where I notice she was distant but there’s times were everything seemed fine. I recently got the courage and asked her what was wrong she let me know everything that was happening with work and school nursing and her depression. We spoke and I gave her the option of whether she wanted to break up or just take a break in the relationship at first she said she doesn’t know what to do but after a couple days later we talked again and I brought up the options again and again she said she didn’t know what to do and said she doesn’t wanna break up with me because she doesn’t want to regret it down line. I gave her these option because she is stressed about not having enough time to spend with me and I really can’t help her but give her space. A couple minutes later she decided to just take a break I told her that’s fine with me I wouldn’t text her or bother her so she can help herself find happiness and find her self. I hope I made the right decision in giving her the break but I also do want to text her how she is doing it’s been a week since this break and there was no time table for this break. Should I text her to see how she is doing or be a man to my word and not text her and wait for her to text me?
It sounds from your story like you’re attached to someone who is not emotionally (or literally) available for a relationship right now. It would probably be in your best interest to get busy investing in other areas of your life, and other relationships with people who have time and energy to love you back. If she wants to talk to you, she knows where to find you… xo, LMB
Hi Lisa. When my wife and I met more than 20 years ago I was getting over my first wife’s affair who left me with two young children for another man. Knowing how I felt about affairs and the pain it had caused me and my children she felt the need to tell me that her most recent relationship was with a married man with two children- which she ended when we became serious. She also told me that prior to that relationship she was intimately involved with a gay man. We moved past all of that and have had a wonderful but normal relationship. Fast forward . Recently the man who my first wife left me for and who she is married to sent me a guilt ridden letter of apology for his affair with my wife. This and a couple of out of the blue connections with the man my current wife had an affair with before we met and also her relationship with the gay man have caused a lot of old and repressed feelings for both of us to resurface. My wife and her siblings have a very contentious relationship with their ailing, verbally abusive and often cruel father who had many affairs and left their mother when she and her twin were 10. He is in fact the one who recently brought up her “gay boyfriend” , as in , “Before she met you she was dating a gay guy. We thought she’s never meet anyone.” My wife refuses and becomes very agitated at any discussion about her past. My retroactive jealousy is causing issues in our relationship and I’m trying not to be judge mental but need to discuss my feelings which feels selfish. Help!
I’m glad that you are looking for help, but getting my two cents in the comments section of a blog post is not going to scratch the surface of this one, my friend. It’s time to get yourself, and hopefully your wife, into some really good evidence based marriage counseling that will help you address these feelings and strengthen the security and attachment in your relationship. Please look for someone who has an “MFT” behind their name, and who practices something called, “EFCT” which stands for “Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.” This is an evidence based form of couples counseling that focuses on resolving exactly the type of old hurts and wounds your describing.
Please do make sure you work with a marriage counselor that has this type of training: Most don’t, and can make things worse instead of better.
Most of the marriage counselors at Growing Self do have this type of training. You can browse through our “Meet Our Experts” page to see if there is anyone you feel a connection with, and then schedule a free consultation session with them. I hope you do — I think it would really help you resolve these issues in a meaningful (and permanent) way. All the best, Lisa
Hi Lisa, I’m desperate for a solution. I recently exposed to my girlfriend a lot of lies that I kept hiding from her. She asked me if I had anything more to say to her after I revealed these lies and I said no. This to me felt like it was a lie as I still kept in a secret about having a crush on someone else. Once I received therapy, my therapist advised me to keep this in, however to me this advice still feels wrong as I feel like I’m supposed to be truthful to my partner and myself always. Should I be looking for a different therapist or was this the right advice to give me?
Karla, I think that you should talk to your therapist about your conflicted feelings and let her know that her advice may not be in alignment with your beliefs. It’s important for you to make decisions that feel congruent with your values and your truth. If you’re working on breaking old patterns around lying and hiding, it’s also important for you to practice saying out loud what you’re feeling instead of concealing it — like, the feelings you’re having about your therapist.
Many times, lying and concealment is rooted in fear of conflict and in disownment of parts of yourself. In order for you to be a person of integrity, the work is to get clear about who you are, self-aware about your own priorities and values, in control of yourself, confident in your own judgment, and empowered to make decisions that are in alignment with the highest and best parts of you.
The first step in doing that is to stop asking for the advice of others (including me) and instead make the #1 priority be getting clarity about what is most important for you. Being appropriately assertive with your therapist and asking for what you need (like her help in achieving self-directed clarity) will be a great exercise in service of this ultimate goal. If your therapist has a hard time with this, it may be evidence that they are not actually not a professional or ethical therapist. If you determine that this is true, then yes, might be time to find better therapist. [Resources, “Signs you have a bad therapist,” and “How to find the right therapist.”
But either way, the goal is for you (YOU) to decide what you believe is the right way to handle this situation in your relationship — not to substitute someone else’s values and opinions for your own.
Wishing you all the best on your journey of growth,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi Lisa! My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 1 year and 6 months now, we just finished our second semester of university. Everything had been running smoothly and we have been very happy. However, about 3 months ago, we both became very overwhelmed with university courses and were very stressed. He seemed to be much more stressed out than I was. Every time I asked him what he was stressed about, he would just say “I dont know.” I think he has been under a lot pressure and he thinks that by putting off the issue for some time, the issue will be resolved. I have constantly told him that I am there for him and reassuring him but, with the stress being put on our relationship, he feels he is losing his feelings. I have known him for some time and I know he isn’t one to give up, especially on someone he cares about, I think he just overwhelmed. I asked him if he wanted to fix our situation and he says yes, he does. He suggested that we talk about old times and talk about our feelings, and I agree. I just wanted to know what are your thoughts on our situation. Do you think this is an effective way to get his feelings to resurface?
Marissa, what I’m reading through the lines here is that you’re in a codependent dynamic where both of you are basically making YOU responsible for his emotional health and wellbeing, and that you’re putting a lot of energy into trying to get him to change the way he feels. You’re not his therapist.
If he wants to feel better he needs to take responsibility for that. And if YOU want to be with a person who is less stressed and a more emotionally available, communicative partner that is clear that he wants to be with you I fully agree with that! You just have to stop trying to make him be those things. If he wants to work on himself, and be with you, he will. If this guy is not meeting your needs and you want more out of a relationship, it’s important for you to own that, and expect that.
Is growth and change possible here? I don’t know. But I do know that you can’t be the agent of change for both of you. It’s exhausting. Over time it will make you increasingly anxious and angry. It is actually quite limiting for him, too. You get clear about what you want, and then see if he wants to do that with you.
More resources for you: “Are You In A Codependent Relationship?” and “When To Call it Quits in a Relationship.”
I hope that growth and change is possible for you two as a couple Marissa, I know that’s what you want. I have a feeling that growth and change is in your future whether or not this relationship works out, and that’s a good thing. Godspeed.
xoxo, Dr. Lisa
Hello, I recently started dating a young marine vet, I am 26 and him 27. We have only been together for less than a year, and originally we had talked about our relationship after deciding we care deeply about each other we want to be together, that we hope to be each other’s long lasting partnership. As of recently he has been shutting down a bit, and doesn’t like to open up his feelings and is hard for him to use words of affirmation. As well as maybe about once a week or two, he’ll wake up in a weird mood and snap on me at some point. Our last “fight” was because I let him know I bought bagels that I thought he said he liked, and he was upset I “accused him” of something because he never told me that. When I ask him if he wants to be with me he shuts down, and when I try to tell him he’s hurting my feelings by the way he’s coming off, he gets more irritated. Then he would rather not talk about his feelings or anything else, but thinks we may be unhealthy because of those moments that almost always are because he gets moody in snaps at me. I don’t know how to proceed or help strengthen our relationship to learn to communicate effectively and handle his tiffs other than maybe in the future walking away and putting my feelings aside, which I don’t find fair
Kiddo, the way things are going now gives me the impression this might not be sustainable situation for you long-term. You’re at an age where you might be making decisions that lead to marriage, and I’d encourage you to make those decisions very carefully as they can have a significant impact on the trajectory of the rest of your life. (I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true).
I think it will be really important for you to get more information about whether or not growth and change is possible with this person in this relationship, and if it’s not you need to let this go. Remember, “dating” is the part where you are getting to know who someone is, in order to figure out whether you have a future together. It’s an audition. A test drive before you buy.
So far you’ve learned that this guy is not a good communicator, and lashes out or withdraws inappropriately, and that it feels like you need to stuff your feelings in order to maintain the status quo. I’m sure there are other really nice things about him too, but you need to pay attention to the hard parts — especially when you’re dating, and making decisions about what you want to be doing for the next 40+ years of your life.
You did also mention that he was a Marine vet. While it would be completely out-of-line for me to speculate on or diagnose the mental health condition of an individual I’ve never met and have only heard about second hand, I will say that in general, sometimes combat veterans experience things that leads to post traumatic stress symptoms which can include irritability and withdrawal. (And substance use disorders and all kinds of other not-so-fun things). I have no idea if this may be part of the puzzle in your case.
But what I do know for sure is that you deserve to find out whether or not growth and change is possible, and if it’s not, make decisions that prioritize your emotional health and your future. Whether or not it’s him taking responsibility and getting involved in mental health treatment, or just the two of you really digging into the way you’re relating with each other: It’s gotta change, or it’s a no-go. This may sound hard to hear now, but your future self will thank you for it.
For more on this subject: I created a new podcast recently called, “When to Call it Quits in a Relationship” that discusses ways to find out if change is possible, and what the signs that change is NOT possible are. I hope that helps you figure out what to do, one way or another.
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby