Does Your Partner Have a Problem?
It is agonizing to be in a relationship with someone you love very much, but who has a serious — and untreated — problem. If your partner is struggling with something like depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, pornography addiction, ADHD or PTSD it can wreak absolute havoc in your relationship, not to mention make you (both) miserable. If the problem has been going on for a long time, it may even make you question whether you should continue to support and help your partner… or whether it’s time to cut your losses and end the relationship.
This topic has been on my mind lately, as I’ve recently had a number of listeners of my Love, Happiness and Success Podcast ask me these questions:
- How do I help my partner who is depressed (or anxious / ADHD / addicted to something) and refuses to get help?
- What are signs your partner will get their act together, and what are signs you should break up?
- How do I help my husband who is suffering from PTSD, and won’t talk to anyone?
- How many chances should I give my alcoholic / addicted partner?
- I promised, “For better or for worse,” but it wrong of me to bail on this marriage if my spouse is not holding up their end of the bargain?
- Is my boyfriend ever going to be cured of his pornography addiction?
- Should I feel guilty for ending this relationship, even if I feel like I need to save myself?
These are big, serious questions. But you, my dear listener, told me this is what is important to you… and I’m listening to you. We’re going there on this episode of the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. I hope that this discussion helps you find your way through this dark time, and back into clarity and inner peace.
All the best to you,
P.S. Would YOU like to ask me a question? I always respond to comments. Or you can also record a voicemail for me (via the button on this page) and I may answer your question on the next podcast!!
What to Do When Your Partner Has a Problem
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Music Credits: Lorelle Meets The Obsolete, with “Waitin’ For The Orange Sunshine”
Hi lisa,
I was wondering wether you would be able to advise me.
My fiance of 4 years, and we had a very stable loving relationship, has recently learned of our stepdaughter having an abortion nearly 9 months ago. Since hearing this news, she has completely shut down on me. Started drinking heavily and seems to pay no attention to our little family at home. When shes not working she is out. She has surrounded herself with people who she has never cared about and who dont care for her. Is there anything i can do except sit and wait for her, in the hope that she returns? As she does not want to hear me when i offer support and an ear for her to talk to. Im seriously concerned for her wellbeing as even our stepdaughter who had the abortion cannot understand the way she has gone. Ive been doing a lot of reading and i understand that our reactions go back to our childhoods? As hers was a sexually abusive one at the hands of her stepfather could this be a subconcious coping method? And if so, will she ever come back out of herself?
Many thanks
Steve
Steve, thanks for reaching out. You are right: This is an odd reaction. It would be completely irresponsible of me to try to diagnose or speculate on whether your fiance has unfinished business with the past that has gotten triggered by your daughter’s disclosure.
What I AM hearing loud and clear in your story is that YOU are trying to have a relationship with someone who has substance abuse issues, is emotionally (and literally) unavailable, and who is not being a good partner for you. If she does have mental health issues, it is up to her to address them.
My recommendation is that you turn your attention back to yourself, to your family, and to what you need and want in your life to be happy and fulfilled. Then, go and create that for yourself. Your figuring out how to set boundaries around your needs, rights and feelings will not just help you, it may motivate your partner to seek help if she realizes that she will need to bring her healthy, best self to the table if she wants to continue being in a relationship with a healthy person like YOU.
All the best,
Lisa Marie Bobby
Hey Lisa,
Me and my girlfriend of 1 year and 7 months are on a relationship break. She is in nursing school and has a full time job but has caused her to be highly depressed and stressed and she said she doesn’t know who she is anymore. There was times where I notice she was distant but there’s times were everything seemed fine. I recently got the courage and asked her what was wrong she let me know everything that was happening with work and school nursing and her depression. We spoke and I gave her the option of whether she wanted to break up or just take a break in the relationship at first she said she doesn’t know what to do but after a couple days later we talked again and I brought up the options again and again she said she didn’t know what to do and said she doesn’t wanna break up with me because she doesn’t want to regret it down line. I gave her these option because she is stressed about not having enough time to spend with me and I really can’t help her but give her space. A couple minutes later she decided to just take a break I told her that’s fine with me I wouldn’t text her or bother her so she can help herself find happiness and find her self. I hope I made the right decision in giving her the break but I also do want to text her how she is doing it’s been a week since this break and there was no time table for this break. Should I text her to see how she is doing or be a man to my word and not text her and wait for her to text me?
It sounds from your story like you’re attached to someone who is not emotionally (or literally) available for a relationship right now. It would probably be in your best interest to get busy investing in other areas of your life, and other relationships with people who have time and energy to love you back. If she wants to talk to you, she knows where to find you… xo, LMB
Hi Lisa. When my wife and I met more than 20 years ago I was getting over my first wife’s affair who left me with two young children for another man. Knowing how I felt about affairs and the pain it had caused me and my children she felt the need to tell me that her most recent relationship was with a married man with two children- which she ended when we became serious. She also told me that prior to that relationship she was intimately involved with a gay man. We moved past all of that and have had a wonderful but normal relationship. Fast forward . Recently the man who my first wife left me for and who she is married to sent me a guilt ridden letter of apology for his affair with my wife. This and a couple of out of the blue connections with the man my current wife had an affair with before we met and also her relationship with the gay man have caused a lot of old and repressed feelings for both of us to resurface. My wife and her siblings have a very contentious relationship with their ailing, verbally abusive and often cruel father who had many affairs and left their mother when she and her twin were 10. He is in fact the one who recently brought up her “gay boyfriend” , as in , “Before she met you she was dating a gay guy. We thought she’s never meet anyone.” My wife refuses and becomes very agitated at any discussion about her past. My retroactive jealousy is causing issues in our relationship and I’m trying not to be judge mental but need to discuss my feelings which feels selfish. Help!
I’m glad that you are looking for help, but getting my two cents in the comments section of a blog post is not going to scratch the surface of this one, my friend. It’s time to get yourself, and hopefully your wife, into some really good evidence based marriage counseling that will help you address these feelings and strengthen the security and attachment in your relationship. Please look for someone who has an “MFT” behind their name, and who practices something called, “EFCT” which stands for “Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.” This is an evidence based form of couples counseling that focuses on resolving exactly the type of old hurts and wounds your describing.
Please do make sure you work with a marriage counselor that has this type of training: Most don’t, and can make things worse instead of better.
Most of the marriage counselors at Growing Self do have this type of training. You can browse through our “Meet Our Experts” page to see if there is anyone you feel a connection with, and then schedule a free consultation session with them. I hope you do — I think it would really help you resolve these issues in a meaningful (and permanent) way. All the best, Lisa