Last updated: October 20, 2025

This article was originally published on June 21, 2021, and I’m bringing it back because so many of you told me how much it resonated. Questioning where you stand with your partner or second-guessing their love can feel exhausting and lonely. Whether you’re working through those feelings now or reflecting on how they’ve shown up before, my hope is that revisiting this helps you feel more grounded, connected, and secure in your relationship.

Overcoming Insecurity in Love

It’s not uncommon for both women and men to feel insecure in a relationship at some point. In fact, insecurity affects more people than you might think. Many couples who come to us for life coaching or couples counseling discover that insecurity is one of the hidden challenges driving conflict.

Sometimes, insecurity isn’t obvious. It may look like arguments about chores, jealousy, or emotional distance. But underneath, the real issue is that one or both partners don’t feel completely secure in their relationship. Without emotional safety, it’s hard to build trust, and that lack of trust shows up everywhere else.

Why Do I Feel Insecure in My Relationship?

If insecurity is showing up for you or your partner, you may be wondering what’s really behind it. Here are some of the most common causes and what to do about them.

Common Causes of Relationship Insecurity

1. Insecurity After Infidelity
   Betrayal leaves deep scars. If you’ve been through infidelity, it’s natural to struggle to feel secure in your relationship. Healing takes time, and the partner who betrayed trust often needs to show—through consistent action—that they can be trusted again.

2. Anxiety After Repeated Disappointments
   Not all attachment injuries are dramatic. Feeling unsupported, emotionally abandoned, or let down in key moments can quietly erode your sense of security. Over time, these experiences add up.

3. Fragile Trust
   Trust is delicate. Couples who have faced repeated disappointments may need to revisit past hurts to repair safety and rebuild connection. Honest, vulnerable conversations support that process.

4. Past Trauma and Attachment Styles
   Sometimes, the roots of insecurity go back further. Early experiences with inconsistent or emotionally unavailable caregivers can shape insecure attachment patterns. Even if your childhood was stable, a toxic past relationship can make it harder to trust a new partner.
   
   Additional research highlights how these experiences deepen insecurity. For example, insecure attachment is strongly linked to lower relationship satisfaction, and people with trauma histories may develop coping behaviors like the fawn response, where they appease to avoid conflict. Other studies show that insecure attachment can also increase emotional dependence and fear of rejection, making it even harder to feel secure without intentional healing.

5. Long-Distance Strain
   Insecurity can stem from circumstance rather than history. Long-distance relationships require extra effort, intentional communication, and reliability. Without those, it’s easy to feel uncertain or unloved.

6. The Roller Coaster of New Relationships
   New relationships can be thrilling but stressful. Without a clear commitment, it’s natural to wonder where you stand. Self-soothing strategies and grounding practices can help manage those ups and downs.

7. Withdrawn or Uncommunicative Partners
   When one partner withdraws or avoids expressing emotions, the other may feel anxious and insecure. This often creates a pursue–withdraw cycle: one person pushes for reassurance, while the other retreats. Breaking that cycle starts with improving communication and learning to meet each other’s needs more openly.

Types of Insecurity in Relationships

Insecurity doesn’t look the same for everyone. For some, it’s tied to low self-esteem—always fearing rejection. For others, it shows up as perfectionism—believing they must be flawless to deserve love. And still others may struggle during life transitions, like job loss or career uncertainty, when their own self-worth feels shaky.

Whatever form it takes, insecurity undermines the sense of safety both partners need. That’s why learning how to feel secure in your relationship isn’t just helpful—it’s necessary for long-term happiness.

How Insecurity Can Damage Feeling Secure in Your Relationship

Feelings of insecurity aren’t the problem; behaviors are. Anxiety, jealousy, or fear often lead people to lash out, become controlling, withdraw, or interrogate their partner. These defenses may have served a purpose in past painful relationships, but in a healthy partnership, they often cause unnecessary hurt.

Without strategies to manage insecurity, both partners can end up feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Over time, this erodes the foundation of trust.

How to Help Your Partner Feel Secure in Your Relationship

If your partner struggles with insecurity, you might wonder how to help without taking all the responsibility. The truth is, security is co-created. While both partners have work to do, there are concrete ways to support someone you love:

• Ask what they need to feel safe and loved.
• Do those things consistently, not just once.
• Keep showing up, even when it feels repetitive.

Consistency builds safety. And when safety grows, insecurity eases.

How to Stop Feeling Insecure Yourself

If you’re the one wrestling with relationship anxiety, know this: it’s normal to have feelings, but your growth comes from how you handle them. The goal isn’t to eliminate insecurity entirely—it’s to stop letting it dictate your behavior.

If communication struggles are adding to the tension, try my Communication That Connects Masterclass. It’s a simple, practical way to step out of conflict loops and start having conversations that build understanding. It even includes a workbook so you can practice the skills right away.

You might also love my How Healthy Is Your Relationship? quiz. It’s quick, insightful, and helps you put words to what’s really happening in your relationship. Sometimes just having the right language is the first step toward change.

Of course, if you’d like to work with one of the amazing marriage and family therapists on my team you’re invited to schedule a free consultation to discuss your situation and how we can help.

xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

FAQs About Feeling Secure in Your Relationship

Is it normal to feel insecure in a relationship?
Yes. Almost everyone experiences insecurity at some point. The key is learning how to recognize it and respond in healthy ways.

Can a relationship survive insecurity?
Yes—if both partners are willing to work on building trust and emotional safety. Left unchecked, though, insecurity can damage connection over time.

How do I know if my insecurity is from me or my partner?
Look at patterns. If you’ve felt this way across multiple relationships, the root may be within you. If it’s specific to one partner’s behavior, the dynamic may be contributing.

What’s the fastest way to feel more secure in your relationship?
There isn’t a quick fix, but consistent reassurance, open communication, and self-soothing strategies can make a big difference quickly.

Should I talk to my partner about my insecurity?
Yes—but not from a place of blame. Share your feelings with curiosity and courage, and invite your partner into the process of creating more safety together.