Your Relationship Questions, Answered.
Looking for free relationship advice from a marriage counselor? Here it is…
Everyone needs relationship advice sometimes, and it can be hard to know where to go for trustworthy advice that will help you repair your relationship. (Sadly, much of what you find online is not evidence-based). One of the most meaningful things I do in my role here as a couples counselor and Denver marriage counselor is putting lots of free information out into the world, in hopes that it connects with you at your time of need.
Today, I’m making a show of it. Literally.
I have people from all over the world, asking fantastic (and heartfelt) relationship questions. I read every single one. I’ve been listening to you, and hearing what you’re looking for help with.
So today, I’m answering your questions. I’ve picked a handful of a few of the most frequent types of relationship questions I commonly hear, and am addressing them personally on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.
On today’s show I’m dishing out some real relationship advice that answers your questions, like:
- “How do I manage my own ‘baggage’ in such a way as to not negatively impact my relationship?”
- “Should I let a relationship go, or give it another try?”
- “My husband is totally withdrawing and won’t talk to me — what do I do?”
- “We are fighting about everything: Kids, communication, finances, and more. How do we even start repairing this?”
I bet you can relate to some of these, and if so I hope that my perspective finds the two of you help you find your way back together again.
Do you have a question for an upcoming episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast? Leave it in the comments — I might use them on a “Relationship Questions, Round 2” podcast soon!
Xoxo,
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Hello there? Have a question for me? Leave it in the comments: I read every single one, so don’t be shy! 🙂
I have a boyfriend who has a girlfriend…I used to chat with him, phone him and meet him at the school regularly..He promised me that he’ll break up with her for me coz he told me that he loves me and he also doesn’t want to loose me so before taking a step he told me to clarify each and everything no one knows it that I’m his girlfriend unfortunately his mom found it that he has a relationship with me so she told him to stay away from me he wants to talk to me so he told me that again we’ll start our relationship on January it’s December and we can’t talk to each other I don’t know anything what is he doing now I can’t call him ,talk to him or meet him now I’m dying from inside please help me I just wanna talk to him like we did and want him to forget her forever she’s cheating him and I can’t tolerate it when I see them together I love him very much please pray for me so that he gives a break up to her I just want his love me…I just don’t like it when someone teases him with her she’s a bitch
Hey there. I’m hearing that this situation is causing you a lot of emotional anguish, and I’m sorry for that. I wonder if it would be helpful for you to speak with a school counselor about your feelings? It might help. You can just go to the office of your school and ask to speak with the guidance counselor or school counselor. Your conversations with them will be private, and no one will know. If your school does not have a counselor, you might consider asking your parents to make an appointment for you to speak with a therapist in your community. I hope that with such support you will be able to figure out what to do, and how to cope with the painful feelings this situation is creating for you. Wishing you all the best, Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi Dr Lisa Marie Bobby, my name is Signe im 32 and from Denmark. Im currently in Thailand doing a yoga retreat. I have been listening a lot to your podcast about getting over your ex, while being here. The thing is that its been a year since me and my boyfriend split up. Its was not a good relationship, my therapist says it sound like ha has a narcisistic personality disorder. We have been having contact on/off during the last year, and I realised after listening to your podcast, that i hadnt let the relationship go, I hadnt accepted it was over. I kept thinking that one day he would start therapy, and we would get back together. I have had periods where I felt like I had let him go, and I felt free, and knew that it was the right thing not to get back together, and those periods, has been the best in the last year, I felt so free and happy. But still I kept contacting him. A couple of months ago I found out that he is in a new relationship, and its really hard for me to cope with. I keep thinking about that all the things we did together, that he is now doing with her. And im thinking that maybe he has changed for her. Maybe he is giving her the love that was so difficult for him to give me. Like why didnt he want to even try with me again. I have told him I wanted him back so many times, and he has been engaging in contact with me, every time I have contacted him. I feel so tormented by the thought that he is with someone else, that it gives me panic attacks. Especially because its so difficult for me not to check his and hers instagram profile. So what happens is, that I start thinking about that he maybe put a photo of her on his profile, and then I start to feel anxious, and the more I think about it, the more I go into a starte of panic, which sometimes leads me to a panic attack. So then I end up checking the profile, just to ease the panic, and if there is no photo I relax, but if there is, then I get so devestated, that I just start crying and shaking. And after listening to your podcast I realised that by keep doing this, I keep the attachment to him alieve. Now I have not checked it for 4 days. And I feel better for every day. The problem is, that I am SO afraid that I will suddenly have an impulse to do it. Like when your standing at the edge of a cliff, you are afraid you will suddenly just jump. And that thought can give me so much anxiety, that it makes me wanna check it right away, so I can just get it over with, and it doesn’t take me by suprise if I suddenly have an impulse I can’t control. The thought of not checking it ever again, seems impossible to me, and then I think, that then I can might as well do it right away. I feel like an alcoholic feel, I think. I almost feel like that I HAVE to check it, like THATS the reality, and that im cheating life by not checking it, like im trying to get around the reality that he is with a new girlfriend.
Because I suffer a lot from anxiety this makes me feel anxious all the time. And it pups up in my head ALL THE TIME. How do you get over the fact that your ex is now loving someone else? I feel so stuck, it was easier, when I thought he was alone too. Probably its also because that it means that its totally over, and im in the grieving process. I just wish I had been here, before he found someone else. Also I start hating her so much that I almost can’t be in myself, and that is really hard too. I wish you would do a podcast about this! A lot of Love from Signe
Hi Signe,
Thanks for getting in touch. I’m so sorry to hear about your pain and heartbreak. This is just such an awful experience, and I’m hearing so many common, normal things in your story — especially the part about how it feels like you can’t stop thinking about him (and her), and have this almost out-of-control feeling when it comes to contacting him or “checking,” and the intense anxiety about his being with someone new. I know it can be really scary when you’re going through this but I want you to know that SO many people who read your brave and heartfelt story were nodding in recognition. I’ve been there too. This IS the experience of a broken attachment. I’m so glad that you are actively researching breakup recovery, and looking for ways to help yourself heal. (Because, as you know so well, that “time will heal” idea is a myth!)
So here are some resources to help you on your journey. You might check out this article, “How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship”. Here’s another about how to cope with the pain of a breakup. Also, I have written extensively about why “Ex Obsessions / Cravings” happen in my book, “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love” that will give you more insight into what’s going on and how to move towards recovery. (It’s at the library too, FYI). Also, when I interviewed Dr. Helen Fisher on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast we talked about exactly this subject as well as others. All of those resources will offer you tips on how to manage some of the obsession, craving and anxiety you’ve been feeling.
But honestly, the real truth is that there is not a magic switch that will turn off this pain. Recovery is not an “event,” it is a process that requires you to move through very specific stages of healing — and it’s easy to get stuck in any of them. In my experience, people who are stuck in the phase you are describing have not yet really come to terms emotionally with the ending of their relationship. (Even though you consciously, intellectually know it’s over, your emotional-self remains attached — and that is so painful.) In the second class of my breakup recovery program, “Heal Your Broken Heart” I teach how to accomplish this important step so that you can move past it and into the deeper levels of healing that will ultimately set you free. You might consider checking it out.
And yes, this is great topic for a future podcast. Noted! In the meantime I wish you all the best on your journey of growth and healing Signe… LMB
I came across your website thru a google search “financial counseling for couples” and I am so glad I did. My boyfriend and I have been struggling for the last few months with communication. (I plan on searching for your 3 part podcast on Communication) The first and last questions answered in this podcast really hit close to home with our current conflict. Both of us have agreed we need a mediator to help us work through our issues. We haven’t been able to successfully discuss our current finances, boundaries or concerns about his children and his relationship with their mothers from previous relationships, or roles in the house hold. I reached out to a community resource for counseling but hit a dead end when said counselor advised me to seek a “safe place”, labeling my boyfriend as emotionally abusive and sharing their feelings of discomfort counseling the both of us. I have been searching for alternative options from Blended Family Counseling to Financial Counseling for advice of some kind and your podcast has been the closest thing to the answers I’ve been looking for. My concern for pursuing couples counseling is the cost. I am 15 weeks pregnant with my first child,(this will be my boyfriend’s 4th) so I am hesitant spending money on weekly therapy sessions when we should be saving for our family’s future. BUT I am to the point where I don’t see a Future for our family if we don’t seek counseling. After listening to this podcast I am determined to salvage my relationship and continue working on myself. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated and very helpfulp
Hi there Erin, thanks for reaching out with your question. Boy, this sounds like a hard situation. It is a little concerning to me that the counselor you two did meet with seemed to think that there were abusive dynamics going on in your relationship. On the one hand, community based mental health providers DO see a lot of yucky stuff and work with victims of domestic violence so may be inclined to over-pathologize people and situations. That may have been true for you. On the other hand, your counselor may have picked up on something. Here’s a resource to learn more about the signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship, and get some guidance on next steps if that is the case: https://www.thehotline.org/
However, it is a good sign that both of your are interested in getting support for your relationship, and strengthening your financial partnership. Here’s a link to a podcast I did on the subject a while ago if that helps: Financial Counseling For Couples. But in my experience working with a good premarital counselor ( such as our own Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT) is the way to go in order to get on the same page, create agreement, and launch a strong, healthy marriage.
And — you are totally right. A few months of private premarital counseling with someone good will be an investment. AND when you consider how much we pay for other things in life (a weekend away, a new couch, etc) somehow we all find the money for those. (Here’s a funny story about a personal reaction I had to this very idea not too long ago.) But when you consider how much it costs to get a divorce, much less be a single parent — financially, emotionally, and mentally, the few hundred dollars you spend on good premarital counseling is going to be the most important thing you could possibly do with your money. In my opinion.
Hope those ideas help you Erin! LMB
Hello Lisa,
Thank you for your work!
My relationship is a little over one year old and it has just turned into a distant relationship this August. Things are well so far.. just one little thing that keeps bugging me. He was in a previous marriage, and has been separated for about 4 years. He has two kids with her and she seems to be using them to manipulate him but not so much that it has affected our relationship yet..just maybe once when he cancelled a date because he got into it over the phone with her and was in no mood to socialize. Anyway! Things look good, it’s getting serious. I am planning on moving closer to where he is, he knows it, and he supports it. My question is, when is the right time to bring up the wife and kids and how that could affect our relationship? I’ve attempted to bring it up in the past but I notice that he becomes quiet and distant and gives one worded answers with no intention of following up with more. Do I just be patient and wait till he is ready? Are there right questions to ask in order to get him talking about that situation and how he and I can/will cope moving forward?
Hi Marrisa, Great question and I’m glad you’re asking it. It sounds like you have a lot of strengths in your relationship, and that you are excited about the future. That is wonderful. I also think that it is very wise of you to be thinking about the situation with your partner’s Ex, and how you’re going to handle it together as this relationship becomes more serious.
The research around second marriages / blended families is pretty clear that these relationships tend to have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages. That’s because there are stressors and things to work out (like with exes!) that first marriages don’t have to deal with. And — I will tell you that the absolutely number one biggest reason why “blended family” situations fail is because of disagreements between the formerly married person (FMP) and their new spouse about how the FMP should handle situations related to their ex and kids.
So that is a long winded pre-amble to my saying that your addressing these concerns with your partner is absolutely vital. Many couples in this situation need a good premarital counselor to help them hash all this out. If your partner is unwilling to address your concerns with you, that would be a red flag for me, given how serious this may be to the future health and happiness of your relationship. You don’t necessarily need to do this before you move closer if you’re still in the “getting to know each other” phase of your relationship. But I would strongly warn you against moving forward into living together or marriage until you guys are on the same page as a couple around matters related to his ex and kids.
Thanks again for reaching out about this. I’m sure many other people are in similar situations so you may hear me use your question on a podcast! 🙂 All the best to you, and good luck with things… LMB
Hi, I’m in a relationship recently, almost a month. I and the guy I am dating has difference in educational background. I am a postgraduate and he completed his graduation through correspondence. I was ok while entering into this relationship but I started feeling a little afraid if I am making a wrong decision. I started feeling afraid when my guy talks about his social status with a worry and if I left him because we have a difference between us. This makes me concern about this relationship and questions are arising that shall I continue or move out from this relationship. So, kindly help me in taking a good decision.
Hey Lembi, thanks for your question! We do a lot of dating coaching here at Growing Self, and get this question frequently. It sounds like you’re wondering if you’re compatible due to differences in education, occupation, etc. This is a more complicated question than one I can easily answer in this format, so I addressed this relationship compatibility when you’re dating question on a recent Love, Happiness and Success Podcast episode called “Advice From a Dating Coach: Finding True Love.” (Along with other dating questions). I hope you check it out. Thanks again for your question, and good luck to you on your quest to find The One! xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hello there? Have a question for me? Leave it in the comments: I read every single one, so don’t be shy! 🙂
Hi Dr Lisa Marie Bobby, my name is Signe im 32 and from Denmark. Im currently in Thailand doing a yoga retreat. I have been listening a lot to your podcast about getting over your ex, while being here. The thing is that its been a year since me and my boyfriend split up. Its was not a good relationship, my therapist says it sound like ha has a narcisistic personality disorder. We have been having contact on/off during the last year, and I realised after listening to your podcast, that i hadnt let the relationship go, I hadnt accepted it was over. I kept thinking that one day he would start therapy, and we would get back together. I have had periods where I felt like I had let him go, and I felt free, and knew that it was the right thing not to get back together, and those periods, has been the best in the last year, I felt so free and happy. But still I kept contacting him. A couple of months ago I found out that he is in a new relationship, and its really hard for me to cope with. I keep thinking about that all the things we did together, that he is now doing with her. And im thinking that maybe he has changed for her. Maybe he is giving her the love that was so difficult for him to give me. Like why didnt he want to even try with me again. I have told him I wanted him back so many times, and he has been engaging in contact with me, every time I have contacted him. I feel so tormented by the thought that he is with someone else, that it gives me panic attacks. Especially because its so difficult for me not to check his and hers instagram profile. So what happens is, that I start thinking about that he maybe put a photo of her on his profile, and then I start to feel anxious, and the more I think about it, the more I go into a starte of panic, which sometimes leads me to a panic attack. So then I end up checking the profile, just to ease the panic, and if there is no photo I relax, but if there is, then I get so devestated, that I just start crying and shaking. And after listening to your podcast I realised that by keep doing this, I keep the attachment to him alieve. Now I have not checked it for 4 days. And I feel better for every day. The problem is, that I am SO afraid that I will suddenly have an impulse to do it. Like when your standing at the edge of a cliff, you are afraid you will suddenly just jump. And that thought can give me so much anxiety, that it makes me wanna check it right away, so I can just get it over with, and it doesn’t take me by suprise if I suddenly have an impulse I can’t control. The thought of not checking it ever again, seems impossible to me, and then I think, that then I can might as well do it right away. I feel like an alcoholic feel, I think. I almost feel like that I HAVE to check it, like THATS the reality, and that im cheating life by not checking it, like im trying to get around the reality that he is with a new girlfriend.
Because I suffer a lot from anxiety this makes me feel anxious all the time. And it pups up in my head ALL THE TIME. How do you get over the fact that your ex is now loving someone else? I feel so stuck, it was easier, when I thought he was alone too. Probably its also because that it means that its totally over, and im in the grieving process. I just wish I had been here, before he found someone else. Also I start hating her so much that I almost can’t be in myself, and that is really hard too. I wish you would do a podcast about this! A lot of Love from Signe
Hi Signe,
Thanks for getting in touch. I’m so sorry to hear about your pain and heartbreak. This is just such an awful experience, and I’m hearing so many common, normal things in your story — especially the part about how it feels like you can’t stop thinking about him (and her), and have this almost out-of-control feeling when it comes to contacting him or “checking,” and the intense anxiety about his being with someone new. I know it can be really scary when you’re going through this but I want you to know that SO many people who read your brave and heartfelt story were nodding in recognition. I’ve been there too. This IS the experience of a broken attachment. I’m so glad that you are actively researching breakup recovery, and looking for ways to help yourself heal. (Because, as you know so well, that “time will heal” idea is a myth!)
So here are some resources to help you on your journey. You might check out this article, “How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex’s New Relationship”. Here’s another about how to cope with the pain of a breakup. Also, I have written extensively about why “Ex Obsessions / Cravings” happen in my book, “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love” that will give you more insight into what’s going on and how to move towards recovery. (It’s at the library too, FYI). Also, when I interviewed Dr. Helen Fisher on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast we talked about exactly this subject as well as others. All of those resources will offer you tips on how to manage some of the obsession, craving and anxiety you’ve been feeling.
But honestly, the real truth is that there is not a magic switch that will turn off this pain. Recovery is not an “event,” it is a process that requires you to move through very specific stages of healing — and it’s easy to get stuck in any of them. In my experience, people who are stuck in the phase you are describing have not yet really come to terms emotionally with the ending of their relationship. (Even though you consciously, intellectually know it’s over, your emotional-self remains attached — and that is so painful.) In the second class of my breakup recovery program, “Heal Your Broken Heart” I teach how to accomplish this important step so that you can move past it and into the deeper levels of healing that will ultimately set you free. You might consider checking it out.
And yes, this is great topic for a future podcast. Noted! In the meantime I wish you all the best on your journey of growth and healing Signe… LMB
I came across your website thru a google search “financial counseling for couples” and I am so glad I did. My boyfriend and I have been struggling for the last few months with communication. (I plan on searching for your 3 part podcast on Communication) The first and last questions answered in this podcast really hit close to home with our current conflict. Both of us have agreed we need a mediator to help us work through our issues. We haven’t been able to successfully discuss our current finances, boundaries or concerns about his children and his relationship with their mothers from previous relationships, or roles in the house hold. I reached out to a community resource for counseling but hit a dead end when said counselor advised me to seek a “safe place”, labeling my boyfriend as emotionally abusive and sharing their feelings of discomfort counseling the both of us. I have been searching for alternative options from Blended Family Counseling to Financial Counseling for advice of some kind and your podcast has been the closest thing to the answers I’ve been looking for. My concern for pursuing couples counseling is the cost. I am 15 weeks pregnant with my first child,(this will be my boyfriend’s 4th) so I am hesitant spending money on weekly therapy sessions when we should be saving for our family’s future. BUT I am to the point where I don’t see a Future for our family if we don’t seek counseling. After listening to this podcast I am determined to salvage my relationship and continue working on myself. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated and very helpfulp
Hi there Erin, thanks for reaching out with your question. Boy, this sounds like a hard situation. It is a little concerning to me that the counselor you two did meet with seemed to think that there were abusive dynamics going on in your relationship. On the one hand, community based mental health providers DO see a lot of yucky stuff and work with victims of domestic violence so may be inclined to over-pathologize people and situations. That may have been true for you. On the other hand, your counselor may have picked up on something. Here’s a resource to learn more about the signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship, and get some guidance on next steps if that is the case: https://www.thehotline.org/
However, it is a good sign that both of your are interested in getting support for your relationship, and strengthening your financial partnership. Here’s a link to a podcast I did on the subject a while ago if that helps: Financial Counseling For Couples. But in my experience working with a good premarital counselor ( such as our own Meagan Terry, M.A., LMFT) is the way to go in order to get on the same page, create agreement, and launch a strong, healthy marriage.
And — you are totally right. A few months of private premarital counseling with someone good will be an investment. AND when you consider how much we pay for other things in life (a weekend away, a new couch, etc) somehow we all find the money for those. (Here’s a funny story about a personal reaction I had to this very idea not too long ago.) But when you consider how much it costs to get a divorce, much less be a single parent — financially, emotionally, and mentally, the few hundred dollars you spend on good premarital counseling is going to be the most important thing you could possibly do with your money. In my opinion.
Hope those ideas help you Erin! LMB
Hello Lisa,
Thank you for your work!
My relationship is a little over one year old and it has just turned into a distant relationship this August. Things are well so far.. just one little thing that keeps bugging me. He was in a previous marriage, and has been separated for about 4 years. He has two kids with her and she seems to be using them to manipulate him but not so much that it has affected our relationship yet..just maybe once when he cancelled a date because he got into it over the phone with her and was in no mood to socialize. Anyway! Things look good, it’s getting serious. I am planning on moving closer to where he is, he knows it, and he supports it. My question is, when is the right time to bring up the wife and kids and how that could affect our relationship? I’ve attempted to bring it up in the past but I notice that he becomes quiet and distant and gives one worded answers with no intention of following up with more. Do I just be patient and wait till he is ready? Are there right questions to ask in order to get him talking about that situation and how he and I can/will cope moving forward?
Hi Marrisa, Great question and I’m glad you’re asking it. It sounds like you have a lot of strengths in your relationship, and that you are excited about the future. That is wonderful. I also think that it is very wise of you to be thinking about the situation with your partner’s Ex, and how you’re going to handle it together as this relationship becomes more serious.
The research around second marriages / blended families is pretty clear that these relationships tend to have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages. That’s because there are stressors and things to work out (like with exes!) that first marriages don’t have to deal with. And — I will tell you that the absolutely number one biggest reason why “blended family” situations fail is because of disagreements between the formerly married person (FMP) and their new spouse about how the FMP should handle situations related to their ex and kids.
So that is a long winded pre-amble to my saying that your addressing these concerns with your partner is absolutely vital. Many couples in this situation need a good premarital counselor to help them hash all this out. If your partner is unwilling to address your concerns with you, that would be a red flag for me, given how serious this may be to the future health and happiness of your relationship. You don’t necessarily need to do this before you move closer if you’re still in the “getting to know each other” phase of your relationship. But I would strongly warn you against moving forward into living together or marriage until you guys are on the same page as a couple around matters related to his ex and kids.
Thanks again for reaching out about this. I’m sure many other people are in similar situations so you may hear me use your question on a podcast! 🙂 All the best to you, and good luck with things… LMB
I have a boyfriend who has a girlfriend…I used to chat with him, phone him and meet him at the school regularly..He promised me that he’ll break up with her for me coz he told me that he loves me and he also doesn’t want to loose me so before taking a step he told me to clarify each and everything no one knows it that I’m his girlfriend unfortunately his mom found it that he has a relationship with me so she told him to stay away from me he wants to talk to me so he told me that again we’ll start our relationship on January it’s December and we can’t talk to each other I don’t know anything what is he doing now I can’t call him ,talk to him or meet him now I’m dying from inside please help me I just wanna talk to him like we did and want him to forget her forever she’s cheating him and I can’t tolerate it when I see them together I love him very much please pray for me so that he gives a break up to her I just want his love me…I just don’t like it when someone teases him with her she’s a bitch
Hey there. I’m hearing that this situation is causing you a lot of emotional anguish, and I’m sorry for that. I wonder if it would be helpful for you to speak with a school counselor about your feelings? It might help. You can just go to the office of your school and ask to speak with the guidance counselor or school counselor. Your conversations with them will be private, and no one will know. If your school does not have a counselor, you might consider asking your parents to make an appointment for you to speak with a therapist in your community. I hope that with such support you will be able to figure out what to do, and how to cope with the painful feelings this situation is creating for you. Wishing you all the best, Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi, I’m in a relationship recently, almost a month. I and the guy I am dating has difference in educational background. I am a postgraduate and he completed his graduation through correspondence. I was ok while entering into this relationship but I started feeling a little afraid if I am making a wrong decision. I started feeling afraid when my guy talks about his social status with a worry and if I left him because we have a difference between us. This makes me concern about this relationship and questions are arising that shall I continue or move out from this relationship. So, kindly help me in taking a good decision.
Hey Lembi, thanks for your question! We do a lot of dating coaching here at Growing Self, and get this question frequently. It sounds like you’re wondering if you’re compatible due to differences in education, occupation, etc. This is a more complicated question than one I can easily answer in this format, so I addressed this relationship compatibility when you’re dating question on a recent Love, Happiness and Success Podcast episode called “Advice From a Dating Coach: Finding True Love.” (Along with other dating questions). I hope you check it out. Thanks again for your question, and good luck to you on your quest to find The One! xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby