How to Fix a Relationship

How to Fix a Relationship

Are you trying to fix your relationship? We all hate to see our partners in pain or discomfort. I know this as a marriage counselor, couples therapist, and relationship coach, but it is certainly true for me, too. When my husband tells me he’s unhappy with something, my mind immediately starts to race towards the “fix” that will solve the problem, and make him feel better.

Unfortunately, what I’ve learned after many years of experience as a married person and as a couples counselor and relationship coach, is that my efforts to fix the problem or fix the relationship were actually damaging to my relationship with my husband. 

We’re all eager to “fix our relationships” and solve solvable problems, but sometimes in the rush to make things better, it’s easy to make relationship mistakes that can unintentionally lead to our partners feeling invalidated, or like they can’t talk to us. This leads to disconnection, resentment, and emotional withdrawal. Not fun!

The Real Way to Fix a Relationship May Surprise You

I am a problem solver. When I know something is wrong, I spring into action to fix it. This has advantages in other areas of my life, especially with regard to my professional development, but it doesn’t always translate into matters of the heart. 

While my type-A solution-focused attitude certainly has led to some important, positive changes in the way we conduct day-to-day aspects of my marriage (like, we now have a Roomba!), it can also get in the way of emotional connection. He doesn’t want me to solve his problems. He wants me to listen, care, and empathize — exactly what I want when I’m struggling with something. He wants to feel validated, and he deserves that. 

Connection is key. Solutions don’t even matter much, when you’re feeling validated.

The Problem with “Fixing” a Relationship: Emotional Invalidation

In order to understand why “rushing to fix a relationship” is problematic, we need to talk about the experience of emotional invalidation. I’m going to use my own experience in order to illuminate what this feels like (as you read along, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate). 

For example, when I’m having a reaction to something and express my displeasure/annoyance/sadness to my husband, and he immediately goes, “Well, let’s just not do that,” or “Forget I brought it up,” or, “Okay well let’s just do this other thing instead,” it feels like a door gets slammed shut in my face on an emotional level. 

Even though I understand he’s trying to help me by quickly “fixing the problem,” I feel invalidated emotionally. His quick pivot to “the fix” unintentionally feels like a rejection, because it closes the door on an opportunity to connect. New thought: Most of the time, when people are “complaining” about something, they are reaching out with a bid for connection. They are not asking you to solve the problem. They just want to share their feelings with you and talk about them. 

How to Listen Without “Fixing the Relationship”

When I’m having an issue, I want to talk things through. I want to have an emotionally safe place with him where we can both talk about our feelings. I want to hear how he feels, too. Most of all, I want to feel like I’m not alone in whatever is feeling real for me at that moment. When I just get to talk about how I’m feeling, and have that be heard, most of the time, no “action” is even required — I just feel better.

Connection is key. Solutions don’t even matter that much when you’re feeling validated.

Men often get a bad rap for being problem solvers in relationships, although plenty of women do the same. Let’s face it: When our partners have a problem (especially if they have a problem with us, right?), it’s anxiety-provoking. It feels like an unpleasant conflict we need to resolve, shut down, or get away from. Or fix — and as quickly as possible.

However, what I know now, both as a Denver marriage counselor and someone who’s been very happily married for over twenty years: you have to lean into the feelings, even if they stress you out at first.

Listening With Intention Requires Managing Your Own Emotions (Not Theirs)

When you can manage your anxiety and avoid scrambling to get away / shut down / fix-fix-fix whatever they’re bringing up, you can then connect emotionally with your partner. More importantly, they won’t have to fight to feel heard by you. Consequently, you will come out to the other side of this conversation with a stronger relationship.

Paradoxically, when you indulge those good intentions of “helping them feel better” or attempting to “fix the relationship,” it will either create a fight (trust me), or it will lead them to leave the interaction with you feeling unheard, not understood, or like you don’t care. Why? Because in your helpful rush to solve their problems, you shut down their feelings and got in the way of what they wanted and needed from you: Being heard.

How to Stop “Fixing” and Start Listening

Here are a few tips to help you avoid jumping the gun and going into “fixit mode.”

Know your job: When your partner is feeling something real, your only jobs — your only jobs — are to help them talk about their feelings, listen to them, help them understand that you understand, and hold the door open for them to talk all the way through. They are not expecting you to solve the problem. (Unless they specifically ask for your assistance in solving the problem.)  But unless you literally hear the words, “What do you think?” or “What would you do?” come out of their mouths, you’re the doorman: The one who keeps the space open for them to share. Not the fixer.

Validate: Embrace the power of validation. Even if you see things differently, or would handle a situation differently, simply acknowledging that someone has the right to their feelings is enormously helpful. I can’t tell you how powerful a simple, “I can understand why you would feel that way” is to hear. Confirmation, validation, and acceptance are vastly more effective in helping someone sort through a difficult situation than actual, specific advice. 

Listening: When I talk about listening, I don’t mean just “hearing.” I mean a special kind of reflective listening, which is a learned skill. Whether or not you are hearing what someone is saying doesn’t matter. What matters is if they know that you are hearing and understanding the feelings they are trying to communicate. If your number one is telling you about the super-hard day they had, listen for the feelings underneath. If you can reflect back, “That sounds really exhausting” as opposed to “You should talk to your boss about rearranging your work schedule” they may fall into your arms weeping with relief of knowing that you really and truly get them. Just be prepared for them to get super-excited when you do this. Seriously, if you do a really good job here, they might cry.

Open-ended questions: You’re the doorman, right? How do you hold the door open in a conversation? By asking open ended questions: Questions that do not have an agenda or a specific informational answer, but are rather an invitation to say more. “How did you feel about that?” or “Then what happened?” or “What do you make of this?” are all solid choices.

Empathize: People are different, and have different ways of thinking, feeling, behaving. We have different values and priorities. However, in order to really connect with someone, you need to understand how they are feeling by connecting to your own emotional experience. When your partner is going through a moment, scroll through your own life experiences to see if you can relate.**

Then use that awareness as an opportunity for an even deeper kind of reflection: Tentative guessing about how they feel. When your partner is telling you about their super hard day, and you reflect on how you’ve felt when your day at work has been a non-stop crap-show, you’ll be able to come back with something that rings true for them, like “I can imagine that you must be feeling really disappointed in your leadership right now.” This, again, will increase their sense of being heard and understood by you, and will help them feel connected, appreciated, and supported by you. More weeping with joy may ensue.

** Warning: It can be tempting and very easy to totally hijack a conversation via empathy, if you’re not careful. When you say, “I totally know how you feel. One time at band camp…” and then spend the next five minutes telling YOUR story, you’ve just turned the tables and made their moment your moment. Trust in your relationship: If you do a good job listening and holding the door open until they are all the way through, you will likely have a very appreciative partner eager to do the same for you. [Unless you are partnered with a legit narcissist.]

Breathe: Sometimes, when you are listening to someone talk about their feelings, especially if their feelings are big, intense, dark, or worse yet — about you, it can be hard to not get emotionally reactive. When YOU start having feelings come up, or feel the need to rebuttal / correct / problem solve, you’ve just stepped out of the ring of connection. You’ve abandoned your post as the doorman. Trust in your relationship.

Breathe, be in the present, listen to the sound of their voice, look in their face, listen, reflect, ask your open ended questions, and be patient. Let them talk all the way through. It may take a whole HOUR. That is okay. Be patient, breathe, and you’ll arrive at connection eventually. Promise. (I can also promise that if you indulge any of your impulses to do otherwise you’ll very likely wind up in a fight.)

Couple’s Strategy: Ask your partner to alert you to what she is needing. It’s not fair for anyone to expect their partner to always know exactly what they need, particularly when it comes to emotional support. SO many things changed at my house, when my husband and I figured out that if one of us literally said, “I need to talk through something with you, no action is required. Please just listen?” we could immediately drop into “patient, non-reactive listening mode” rather than “oh-crap-they’re-upset-what-are-we-going-to-do” mode.

This is a strategy we also routinely teach our couples in marriage counseling here at Growing Self. Ask for what you need, and give your partner a heads up so they can do a great job at supporting you in the way you need to be supported at that moment. Because truthfully, in different situations you might need different things, right? If you’re like most people, sometimes you need a warm shoulder to cry on, sometimes you need a good listener, sometimes you need a hug, and sometimes… just sometimes… you might even want some advice.

With love,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby