Withdrawn Partner? Stop Pushing Them Further Away…
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. She’s the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
Are you trying to have a relationship with a partner who avoids, defends or worse… refuses to talk at all?
Few things are as frustrating, or as hurtful as trying to engage a disengaged partner. It’s hard NOT to get upset and angry when you’re feeling rejected, unloved, or uncared for. The problem is that many people who clam up as a defensive strategy when things get tense don’t understand how destructive their behaviors can be to your relationship.
But there is help, and there is hope. Because these types of communication problems are so common, I thought it might be helpful to you if I put together a “Communication Problems” podcast-mini series.
“Communication Issues” are the single most common presenting issue that brings couples to marriage counseling. The first thing to know about communication problems: Absolutely ALL couples struggle to communicate with each other from time to time. Just because it’s happening in your relationship does not spell doom. Truthfully, by making a few positive changes in the way you interact with each other, you can avoid many communication problems — and start enjoying each other again.
In episode 1, “Communication Problems and How To Fix Them” we discussed the most important and empowering things you can remain mindful of if you want to improve the communication in your relationship: Systems theory, and your own empowerment to affect positive change.
In episode 2, “Dealing With an Angry Partner” we addressed the oh-so-common “pursue / withdraw” dynamic that so many couples can fall in to. This idea is at the core of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy — one of the most well researched and scientifically supported approaches to couples counseling. (And what we practice here at Growing Self!)
Specifically in episode 2, we looked at this communication pattern from the perspective of the “withdrawer” (i.e. the person in the relationship who might be perceiving their “pursuing partner” as angry or even hostile. In that episode I gave you some tips to help get back into the ring with your partner, some insight into why they may be so angry, and things that you can do to help soothe their anger and bring the peace back into your home.
In the third and final episode of our “Communication Problems” series, “Dealing With a Withdrawn Partner” we’ll be looking at this from the perspective of the partner who pursues — the one who is attempting to engage with a partner who seems emotionally distant, avoidant, and unresponsive.
If you’ve been feeling frustrated or angry because your partner refuses to talk to you, this one is for you. In this episode I’m talking about what may be leading your partner to seem emotionally withdrawn, as well as things that you can do to help your partner come closer to you emotionally, and start opening up again.
We’re discussing:
- The issues that may have nothing to do with you that are leading your partner to withdraw
- The biggest mistakes you can make when dealing with an avoidant-prone partner
- Strategies for dealing with your anger and / or anxiety if your partner is making you crazy
- Communication strategies to help make it easier for your partner to open up to you
- The paradoxical trick to making your partner feel more interested in coming towards you
I sincerely hope that this series helps you understand what may be happening at the root of your communication problems, as well as some real-world tips for things that can help you improve your relationship.
P.S. The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast — like everything else I do here at Growing Self, is all about YOU: What you need, and what will help you improve your situation. If you have a question related to communication, relationships, or anything else, please get in touch. You can leave your comment below, or you can even record a voice message (button is top-right if you’re on your laptop) I can respond to you in an upcoming episode of the podcast. Let me know what’s on your mind! — LMB
Listen & Subscribe to the Podcast
Communication Problems and How To Fix Them, Part 3: When Your Partner Refuses to Talk
Music Credits: Harry Nilsson, “Jump Into The Fire”
Hi Dr.Lisa, I enjoyed hearing your podcast although I could only relate to being vulnerable to the other. I am in a long distance relationship since 7 months (almost 8 on the 25th) and my boyfriend has recently (i believe) emotionally withdrew from me. I had found suspicious evidence that he was cheating on me but I emotionally exploded on him saying that “I know that you are cheating on me”. We’ve always had communication problems and he would tell me he’s very forgetful but is very genuine in what he says (i believe so). The last message I received from him was him (a week ago) saying that, he felt attacked and that it hurts that I would think that. Before the incident we called and had confrontation and I asked if he was cheating on me, he said no and promised but I found it rather strange how he’s always on his phone (online on things, games, social media). The night he stopped replying to me I talked to his friends, and his mother (he had not replied to his mother’s calls and voicemails for a week after and they are VERY close). I had exploded on him for his lack of communication that lead to me think of him cheating. I begged him to tell me the truth and if he wanted to break up, but he had never said anything about ending it. He said that no matter what he felt like he’d come out as the bad guy and he “can’t take that right now”,and that was since last week, it got worse when both of his best friends tried to get him to talk to me too and he had ignored them as well. I’ve never cussed at him and I’ve been reaching out to him a lot in a vulnerable way but I really don’t know how long I can wait. I have hope and he has had past experiences shutting down from work (he is also stressed and overwhelmed with work). I don’t know what else to say or do but I know he is not the type to leave me without saying anything. I have hope but I just feel lost and confused sometimes, as if maybe he wants me to leave him so he’s not saying anything. I’ve talked to his Mom and she had said he’s responding a little bit more to her, he’s online playing games with his friends but my messages are still left unresponded. I was thinking that maybe he’s slowly getting back up and will talk to me soon. A friend of his tried to talk to him and he said that he was hurt that I don’t trust him and it’s also a part that he’s very forgetful. At nights like these I cannot help but cry and feel lost.
Alice thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me, and the community of readers here on our blog. I can understand how this would be a very painful and confusing time. I thought that your situation was such a good example of one type of relationship that I often hear about, I addressed your questions on a recent episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast: “Should We Breakup or Stay Together.” I don’t know if this was the perspective you were hoping for, but as a marriage counselor and therapist (as well as a life coach) it is my honest opinion.
I know that my perspective is only one, and you are the ultimate expert on what is right for you, but I hope my long-term view helps you decide where to go from here. If you do decide to break things off for good, you might consider checking out another recent podcast, “The Stages of a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart.” I hope that both of these help you find your way forward Alice — you’ve been through a lot, and you deserve peace and healing. All the best to you on your journey of growth. Lisa
Hi Dr. Lisa,
My moms name is actually Lisa too, and that’s why I feel more comfortable actually talking to you. So my problem has something to do with someone who has issues from their past and childhood and may be dealing with depression anxiety, and maybe some PTSD as well. We started dating and got together really fast and it was so great. We get along super well and when we were together it was great. He seemed to really care about me, and I feel like I showed it in return. Then one day, it suddenly changed and he became distant but I ignored it because I was so into him, and he broke up with me claiming he needed “space,” and “time.” Of course I cried and was angry with him and blamed him for everything. Two to three weeks later he wanted to talk in person, I was reluctant because I was angry and hurt by his actions, and I didn’t understand them. He told me that he’s scared to fall in love, and that he hates talking about his feelings. I told him okay let’s work on it together and try and make this work. Then the next day he ghosted me. I was even more hurt than before because I let him back in only to be crushed again. Keep in mind I have issues of my own with anxiety, and I have childhood trauma as well. However, there are things that I have accepted and gotten over that I don’t think he has because he refuses to open up to anyone not even his family. He’s tried therapy and it didn’t help either. So now let’s get to the current situation. We’re both in the military, and as I was working a duty one day he just randomly showed up and was working the same one. It was awkward and I felt so much anger and basically ignored him as much as I could. I couldn’t help but still look at him even though because you know I freaking fell in love with this guy. So my shift ends and I go home and receive a text. Every time the communication has started back up, it was always because of him and on his accord. He told me that he was sorry of course (he has said sorry a lot) and he also said he needs help and that he’s just scared. I told him I wanted to help him but that I can’t be hurt again. After that, we began talking again and things were nice and almost like how they were when we first started, but then he fell off again. He started to become distant and our conversations through texting and our hangouts became less and less. Then one day he just completely ignored me and read my message to hangout. I thought he was ghosting me again, but then he messaged me before it hit the week mark like nothing had even happened. So I of course was on the defense, and then accused him of not caring about me, which he then said he did. He came over last night and I attempted to talk to him about what’s been going on because he accepted it as normal. He hates talking about feelings and kept saying he doesn’t know, and I understand that he hates talking about them and is used to running away from love but I tried and tried. I asked him what he wanted to do from here, and he said that he doesn’t think either of us are ready for a relationship right now, and while I agree with that, at the same time I want to help him. I told him I was confused and he said he was too which was no help at all. I actually made him read a note that I wrote and it even said I loved him in there, he didn’t seem too worried about that though because he said it doesn’t change anything. So we solved our problem as usual with sex. It’s a vicious cycle that just keeps happening and hurts me to no end, and confuses me. I feel like he truly cares about me, but his wall prevents me from seeing him as him, there are things he opened up to me about in the beginning of the relationship that I know have hurt him deeply but I also think there is even more that I don’t know about, and I want him to be able to take his walk down in front of me. My friends hate him and think I should just end it, but it’s different when you’re in love. I want to help him I really do, and I know I’m not a therapist and I can’t make him get over his issues, but if I could just get him to talk about them, it would be so much easier. I’m at my limit here, I just want it to get better. Please if there is any help you could give at all, it would be very appreciated. Thank you.
Hi Lisa, thanks for sharing your question. What you are describing is a very common situation — so common, I may just address this more deeply on an upcoming episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast. (Stay tuned!) I cannot give you insight into what is going on with this person, but it’s pretty clear from your story that you have become attached to someone who 1) behaves hurtfully towards you 2) is not able to have a mature relationship 3) you cannot depend on and 4) is jerking you around at his leisure. Why is this okay with YOU?
Your pain is there for a reason. Like, if you put your hand down on a hot stove it would hurt because your body is telling you that you are in danger and you need to take action to protect yourself. This situation is creating pain for you, and I would encourage you to listen to that rather than continue twisting yourself into pretzels in efforts to rationalize your continued involvement with him. Because your situation sounds like a short-term version of this toxic relationship I wrote about.
So, rather than attempting to solve the mystery of his mental and emotional state — hoping that if you can somehow pick that lock and get him to talk, he’ll magically be a great partner for you — I wonder if a better use of your time would be to figure out what is happening with you? Addictions can take many forms, and can sneak up on you…. especially when they get confused with “Love.”
I’m not sure if my sharing my perspective helped you, or totally pissed you off, but there it is. I hope that you find peace, healing, and a fantastic relationship with someone who is able to be a good partner for you Lisa. You deserve that.
Hi,
Your podcast has certainly helped me understand behavioural aspects of my partner.
It is extremely disturbing that he does not participate as much emotionally and withdraws after an argument.
Though we spoke after the argument and apologised but he is still disturbed.
It’s been over 10 days and I can see the reluctance to do the things we shared in our relationship. I find it hurtful as I miss his presence and loving nature. Now he prioritizes other things that earlier wouldn’t be….
Do let me know if I can get any form of advice or online consultation as this is the fourth time around. On earlier counts we had separated for a period of 3 months till he recovered. The last round lasted for a month ……where I had to leave as I couldn’t handle the way he was behaving around me. I felt more like an option…
Candy, I’m really glad to hear that this podcast helped you understand the dynamics of your relationship in a new way. I think that you are wise to be thinking of marriage counseling or couples therapy in this situation. My hope for you is that he would learn ways to develop distress tolerance skills so that he could make it through a conversation with you without shutting down to such an extreme degree. It’s hard to sustain a relationship when that is happening!
If you’re shopping for a couples counselor, a great choice on our team is Jenna Peterson. She is especially good in helping people learn how to deal with big emotions in the context of their relationships. Or you can just look through our “About Us” page and find someone you’d like to schedule a free consultation session with. I am hopeful for you that with good couples counseling you and your partner will be able to communicate with each other, and create a strong, healthy relationship together. Best of luck to you! LMB
My BF and I been together for 5 years and been on LDR for one month now. We had a fight last Monday that really made him upset. Up until now he refuses to talk to me nor respond to my phone calls. It has been a week now and I still haven’t heard anything from him. It’s really driving me crazy since this is the longest time we did not communicate for being together for 5 years plus the fact that we are miles away from each other. 🙁 and just this morning I tried to access his yahoo email and found out he’s checking out on Tinder since Wednesday. I know he’s just trying to divert his attention because we’re not on good terms but it hurts like hell. Why on earth should he sign up for Tinder without even trying to talk to me. Im feeling so hopeless now. I’m afraid he will no longer communicate and just decide to break up with me. All I want is him to talk to me and sort this out. How long should I wait? Or do I need to start moving on and forget him. 🙁
Remi: Refusing to talk to you or respond to your calls for over a week, and trolling on Tinder after a fight makes me think that it may be a blessing if he DOES break up with you. Consider the fact that he’s actually giving you a lot of information right now about his character, his level of emotional maturity, and his commitment to the relationship. Sometimes when people don’t talk, they actually share more honestly about themselves than when they do…. Listen to him, and act accordingly.