Get Your Relationship Back on Track
Are you looking for advice on how to get your relationship back on track? As a couples counselor and Denver marriage counselor, I often meet with couples who love each other deeply, but feel like their marriage may be failing.
After years of building a life together, they feel some wear and tear in their marriage. They’re filled with little frustrations and resentments they can’t quite shake. They start shutting down when they communicate and have the same arguments over and over.
The carefree happiness of their early relationship seems lost, and they want to keep the romance alive, fall back in love, and grow together, not grow apart.
Sometimes, the couples we see for marriage counseling here at Growing Self are surprised to learn that the two “magic ingredients” that can help them create the joyful, effortless partnership they crave are already right under their nose.
Anyone, anytime, can use these two simple strategies to change their relationship for the better. While these things may seem small, in practice they can mean the difference between a relationship filled with love and respect, and a dead-end marriage.
Because I so passionately believe that you deserve love, happiness, and success in your relationship, I’m sharing these healing marriage counseling strategies with you, free of charge, so that you can make the moves to get your relationship back on track today!
With love and respect,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.
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Hi there,
My wife and I have many unresolved issues that have led to her wamting to get a divorce and me feeling like it’s over. She and I have both agreed that we would like to seek professional help to see if we are making it right decision or if there is anything left to be solved.
Thomas, I’m glad that you’re reaching out. It sounds like there is a lot of water under the bridge here, and now both of you are asking whether or not this relationship can be saved. I completely agree: If it is, it will require the support of an excellent marriage counselor, couples therapist or relationship coach. Here is the link to schedule a free consultation session with one of the relationship experts of Growing Self, if you’d like to work with someone on our team: https://www.growingself.com/schedule-free-consultation/
I hope that with the right support, you and your wife can either heal the hurts in your relationship and grow back together again…. or work with someone who can help you part peacefully, with goodwill, and with integrity and intention, if that is ultimately the best path for both of you.
Yours sincerely,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
How do I approach and resolve the issue of my husband being a man child?
Aaaahahahahahaha! I LOVED your question so much I answered it on my podcast! “Free Relationship Advice From a Marriage Counselor” — I hope you check it out and that it provides some direction and perspective. Thank you for getting in touch, when I saw your question I laughed out loud! xo, Lisa
You
Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided and just hope he joins in eventually? Or will I start to resent him and drift apart from him?
My dear, you need more than advice from someone in the comments section of a blog post. You need a really good marriage counselor (like, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples work) and who practices evidence based forms of marriage counseling. There is so much going on here that needs to be addressed and resolved. If you would like to stay married to this person, I do sincerely hope you invest in this marriage by getting the right help.
And yes, generally speaking, with what has happened, if you are attempting to repair your relationship after an affair you will need to be the one to do the heavy lifting for a while. You will need support and guidance to do that effectively. Please get into marriage counseling. (With someone who specializes in couples work. Most counselors offering couples counseling DO NOT, and without that expertise, they will have no idea how to help you.)
My wife and I have been together for over 6 years. We just got married this last October. I have had quite a bit anger issues in the past and present. When we get into arguments, I will sometimes stay calm but I normally get really upset and loud. Only big thing that bothers me is my wife does not give me any space and follows me everywhere until I finally explode even more (even after asking for space). My wife has had a rough up bringing. She was mentally and physically abused as a child. My wife also suffers from ADHD, BI polar and intense anxiety. She is not seeing a doctor nor on meds. I my self have been diagnosed with ADD. I was taking medication but stopped because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I should of went back to my doctor but we have been having alot of money issues. My childhood was alot different from hers. We had alot of love, but also poor and alot of lies. I saw alot of anger from my step dad towards my mom, (explains some of my anger). Just this month i had a mental break down for over a span of 3 days. My wife and I were arguing every day, I was screaming at her in front of our kids calling her bad names. I honestly felt I could not control myself.Any time she would ask me a question I would get so mad. Even when I asked to be left alone she would follow me and try and stop me from leaving the room nor even the house(this kept making me even more mad).I punched my couch a few times. She then told me to get all my stuff and get out. I packed all my stuff up and left for the night, feeling I needed time to myself. My wife normally stays somewhat calm in situations but will say very uncalled for hainice things.
A few years back she caught me watching adult films. She caught me two more times. I’ll admit I lies about it. This month she found a pair of womans underwear that was not hers and insinuated it was from me cheating. She didn’t straight up say i was cheating, but she had a terrible attitude towards me. I can understand her questioning me but she didn’t ask anyone else who had been over here. it was like the finger got pointed right at me. When I asked her why she thinks I’m cheating she saids its because of what iv done in the past (the adult films) and that I made her this way. I actually stayed very calm over the situation for once. I had no idea where they had came from. I love my wife with all my heart and would never cheat on her, witch I have told her. She has given me two Beautiful children and I would never hurt her. Just the other day I wanted to show her some kinds of romance, because she deserves to feel wanted. I lit a candle,put on music and gave her a good back rub. The back rub turned into more..etc. But then I was unable to get my soldier to stand at attention (BTW I’m only 28). This has only happened to me once when I was put on a medication, that I no longer take. My wife got so upset and went to sleep. i was told I was up to something. She’s under the impression I’m cheating or doing drugs, witch I am definitely not. I can understand her frustration but I’m still one hundred percent attracted to her. I honestly dont know what I should do. Not with just the erectile issue. I have tried staying calm, getting upset and iv cried. I truly feel like she will never trust or believe me. I’m afraid nothing I can do will ever change the way she portrays me, and it breaks my heart. Any advise will help. Thank you.
By the way sorry for the novle. I’m hoping the more details the better.
Hi Josh, thanks for reaching out. I actually answered part of your question on a recent podcast (YOUR questions, answered) but just the part about what to do if your partner won’t take a break. I do hope you check that out.
BUT I also want you to know that what you are describing sounds like a complex, and serious situation with a lot of moving parts: Untreated mental health issues, anger management problems, impulse control problems, trust issues, health issues, trauma. My goodness. I sincerely hope, for the sake of both you and your wife, and your children that you get the help you need and deserve, for all of this.
Any tidbits of advice I could drop are not going to touch any of this, with the exception of this one recommendation: Get real, professional help, and soon. Do not look for online therapy, do not do life coaching, and for the love of all things holy please stop trying to get your legitimate needs met with advice in blogs or any weird text based things. It sounds like your family is falling apart, and you need to get real, meaningful help from mental health professionals — and fast.
Please Google, “community mental health center near me” and then call the intake line to make an appointments for yourself and your wife individually. You will both be able to get the support you need and then when the time is right they can probably do couples therapy with you too. I don’t know what your financial circumstances are, but they often have caseworkers who can see if you are eligible for benefits, Medicaid, etc. You can get access to a psychiatrist who can help you get back on meds, you can get help with anger management, she can get help with her trauma, you can access supportive services for your children, and more.
Your relationship is unlikely to improve unless the two of you get meaningful help for the things you are dealing with. You both deserve that level of support, and your children deserve to have parents who are healthy and well. Please make the call.
Wishing you all the best,
Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi,
I have been married for 5 years and have 3 young children, 1, 3 and 4. The last couple of years I caught her messaging and planning to meet other men many times and have no idea wether she has done anything more or not. She lied to my face about a certain message while I was stood there telling her I know the truth, probably 10 minutes of me giving her a chance to tell me before I showed her the message. I got that fed up of it I looked online…
On a certain hook up site I was contacted and I set up a blind date with someone, somewhere public so we were safe and could walk away.
Turns out it was my sisyer in law, my wifes brothers wife. She thought she caught her husband because my wife and her brother are exactly the same. We talked for hours about them, how many times they’ve been caught and what we didn’t know.
Long story short, she left my brother in law and I started an affair with her. We were both honest with each other about everything and both called it off after a few times because she could tell it was messing with my head… I knew from day 1 it would.
I am stuck…
I play happy families until the kids are alseep and then my mood changes and I just go out
I dont want to leave my wife because of the children
I hate everything she has done to me
I can’t look at her most days
Yet I am asking is there a way I could make it work again? How can I just drop it in my head and get on with it?
What a soap opera! I have zero advice for you beyond suggesting that you get connected with a really good therapist (ideally someone with a strong family therapy background) who can begin excavating all the many, many layers of this situation, and all that preceded it, to help you get clarity about 1) how the heck you got into this mess and 2) how to get out of it.
There are no easy answers for any of this. There is no “advice” that anyone can give you. You have a lot of work to do, and only you can do it. No one else has the answers. The process of growth and discovery ahead of you is going to be a long one, but it’s the only way. On the bright side, I imagine that this is long overdue, and that this mess of a situation is motivating you to start looking for a professional to help you. So there’s that. Keep going!
Good luck. Dr. Lisa
hii, i am a doctor and my boyfriend is a junior engineer. i want to marry that guy. is this good decision .I’m confused. suggest something.
It sounds like you’re feeling ambivalent. I would recommend getting involved in high quality premarital counseling to discuss your concerns (and also the potential) for this relationship so that you can make an informed, thoughtful decision about the best path forward. The person you choose to marry will have a bigger impact on the trajectory of your life than anything else, literally. This is a big decision and it’s okay to take your time. Slow down, do premarital counseling, and see what happens. That’s my advice! All the best, Lisa Marie Bobby
My fiance and I have been together for 7 years engaged 2 due to money issues. We have 2 beautiful kids ages 5 and 2. Long story short is I have not given much to this relationship after I had the kids. Which has led to infidelity on his part (not saying that’s an excuse ) He has tried to bring up the fact that he is not happy where we are and I plan on doing better and then life gets in the way again. We have jobs , 2 kids one with autism ,he does to a 4 year college and not to mention all the other little things life throws at you. Fast forward to a couple days ago I caught him cheating with a friend from work. Instead of begging me to stay he said hes at a crossroad. He doesnt care about being with her hes just tired of going through the motions which he said he WAS willing to do for some reason before I found out. It took him all day and he says he wants to make it work but he is not ready to give his all until he really sees a change and that we have to see a therapist. My question is does this sound like someone who really has just hit a place in the relationship to where he cant move forward without help or is he too far gone?
Wow, what a hard situation. I’m so sorry this is happening. You know, sometimes affairs and emotional entanglements just happen (they can happen in the best of relationships) but sometimes they can be a sign of bigger issues, and it sounds like that may have been the case in your situation. FYI, it is very common for people dealing with this to have a lot of ambivalence about the relationship: You may be wondering if there’s hope here, and it sounds like he’s being really cautious too. I would recommend an approach called “discernment counseling” or “discernment coaching.” This is where you begin working with a couples counselor for the purpose of getting clarity about what is possible for your relationship, before moving forward into the work itself. It is NOT couples counseling for the purpose of improving the relationship — not yet anyway. If you jumped right in with the assumption that you both want to “fix it” it would backfire.
So you’d both meet with the couples therapist to talk about what needs to change on each side, how motivated you are to do the work, etc. Once that is established you’d come back together to talk about where you each are, and get recommendations for moving forward. This will take (usually) 4-6 sessions to hash out. At that point you can then start working on the relationship, making changes and improvements, etc. OR have collaborative conversations about how to end things for the highest and best of each other, and your kids. A well qualified marriage counselor, like the ones on our team at Growing Self can help you do this.
I hope that this approach helps you both find a clear path forward, one way or another.
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hello! I found out my husband was having an emotional affair and I think it was more than that. I had my doubts and confronted him but he denied all even tho I had proof. Now it’s been 7 months that he moved back to his moms. He never wants to touch the subject and he hardly wants to talk about what’s going to happen with us. We have sex here and there but I’m noticing that I’m just ready to surrender in my marriage 6 years married but I feel everything was a lie I have 2 kids with him. But I’m already getting use to him not being with us and it’s starting to bother me when he comes over and see the kids but for some reason he acts like nothing and gots hope for us but me I’m just not Interested no more. I just don’t know how to tell him or what to tell him so he can see I’m really serious I want out.
Letty, I hear what you’re asking, but would be really inappropriate of me to suggest ways to tell your husband you want a divorce in the context of a blog post comment. I don’t know anything about you, your husband, your circumstances, or what you want.
My advice to you: If you are looking for clarity and guidance about how to “consciously uncouple” with your husband in a way that prioritizes the highest and best for both of you and your children, and sets the stage for a strong future where you can collaboratively co-parent together for years to come, you should work with an experienced marriage and family therapist to create a solid plan.
Over a number of sessions, they can help you sort through your feelings, get clear about what you want to say, provide some mediated conversation to help your husband hear you, and then provide coaching that allows you to create a solid plan for your family post-marriage.
If you’d like to do this work with one of the relationship experts of Growing Self, the first step would be to schedule a free consultation meeting to discuss your goals and see if it’s a good fit. Then you can begin working together, step-by-step, towards the creation of the future you desire.
I wish you all the very best on your journey of growth as you make the transition into this new chapter.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
I am wondering if anyone has advise for me;
18 months ago I told my husband of 30 years that I want to seperate, that I do not want sxx anymore. He refused, we both went to therapy (separetly), married a daughter, stopped therapy. We have been living together all this time with no physical contact with him constantly trying and saying he wants me and only me. I have told hime we could be friends, told him to just go find the sex someplace else.
Lately I discovered that he was having sex with someone, |’m not sure for how long, at least a year. When I realized where he was all those nights when I was relieved that he didn’t come home and found myself alone on a holiday I was devasted and realized that I do not want to end our life together and want to try again hoping we can change. We have not had sex in over a year and I wanted to take it slowly but I got carried away and yesterday it happened…..Except he never really got hard.
I felt terribly unatractive (I am very overweight) and kept thinking it was because of me, that he had been with someone firmer and smaller and dfferent that he doesn’t want me anymore. He swore it was the alcohol and the excitement and he did come without ever really getting hard. Instead of being supportive of a man in distress I cried and was sure it was me and I feel very insecure and I do not know how to know. I guess I’ll just have to wait for the next time.
Is it possible for a man to love and say he only wants you and nobody else but not get hard?
Debbie, thank you for reaching out. I’m hearing that there are many layers here, including the current state of your relationship with your husband, how committed you each are to this relationship, and also issues related to your sexual relationship specifically. All of these are far, far beyond the scope of anything that can be addressed in the comments section of a blog post!
If you are both willing, I would encourage you to make an appointment for couples therapy with an experienced marriage counselor (MFT) who utilizes evidence based forms of therapy, and has a background in sex therapy, AND who is familiar with something called “discernment counseling.” Sexual dysfunction can be related to many, many different things and it will require an assessment by qualified professional marriage counselor and sex therapist to uncover what’s going on in that department.
But the bigger issues here would also involve getting clarity on how committed you are to this relationship or not, outside of the circumstance of your husband moving on with someone else. I’m hearing that you were suddenly motivated to be with him and have sex with him when you were afraid of losing him forever… but not when he wanted to be with you. Gotta figure that out Debbie.
Also, does he still want to be with you? Does he still have feelings for this other person? Is he anxious or ambivalent about this relationship? Is he afraid of being hurt by you again? I have absolutely no idea, but these are the kinds of questions I would be seeking to clarify if I were your marriage counselor.
If it is established that you are both, in fact, committed to being married to each other again, THEN there would be a process of repairing all the emotional damage that’s been done over the years. There’s a lot of water under this bridge Debbie.
Once you’ve re-established your connection to each other, then you could turn your attention to repairing the sexual part of your relationship. (Which would also take time).
I think you might be jumping pretty far ahead here Debbie, and trying to wallpaper over years of serious relationship issues through sex (and then wondering why that’s not working). I think a better strategy for you both would be to get into couples therapy with a competent marriage counselor who has a background in sex therapy, figure out what you both want, and, if it’s the marriage, start the slow, painstaking process of gluing all these shattered pieces back together. The sex part will be the cherry on top.
You can do it, but it will take time and professional guidance. Good luck to you both.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
My story is a bit confusing to me, so my wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for almost a year now.
I found out that she was not being loyal to me and I confronted her about it and she told me that it will not happen again. The crazy thing about this is that’ll she cheated on me with a friend from college whom she sees every day and claims the is no attraction or emotions involved. And claims the was problems in the relationship which led her to this and each time I try to talk to her she cries and nothing is really sorted and I do not know what to do I want to work on our relationship and she also wants the same what should I do
Eddie, I’m sorry that this has happened. The good news here is that I’m hearing that this terrible experience has led you to begin having important, honest conversations with each other AND that you’re both expressing commitment to working on your relationship.
Believe it or not, for some couples, this type of crisis can actually be a really positive turning point leading to lots of great things ahead. I hope that is the case for you. To learn more about the process of healing, you might check out a podcast I created on the subject of “Recovering From Infidelity.”
You asked, “What to do?” The next step would be to make an appointment with a couples counselor who specializes in couples work, and who utilizes evidence-based, effective methods of couples therapy. If you would like to pursue online marriage counseling, online couples therapy or online relationship coaching (or Denver marriage counseling) with one of the relationship experts at Growing Self, you’re invited! Just schedule a free consultation to get the ball rolling. Or you could look for marriage counselors in your area. Google “marriage counselors near me” to get an idea of who’s around.
Pro Tip: Do not go to see a garden-variety therapist who is not a marriage and family therapist. When you’re shopping for a therapist look at bios. If a prospective marriage counselor talks a lot about individual therapy and their work treating mental illness, and shares nothing about their education and training in specific, evidence-based types of couples counseling, and then at the end is like, “Oh yeah but I work with couples too…” they are not qualified to help you. More about “How To Find a Marriage Counselor” right here.
I hope all this info points you in the right direction Eddie. Good luck, and let me know how it goes!
All the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hi I really need some advice on my marriage. I’ve been married 28 years but I’m feeling so empty inside. I do most of the housework, as well as doing a part time job. My husband works but then sits around watching tv or going on his motorbike. There is no intimacy and hasn’t been for some years from me because for a long time I not felt like a wife or a woman, I just feel like a servant. Our daughter has been at university. That didn’t help things as she got some independence but was always trying to tell us how we should be at home every time she came home. For some time now every time my husband and daughter argued I was always told by my husband he was gonna leave and wanted a divorce as he said I never backed him up or supported him. A while back we even got to the stage of him saying that was it. We should split up. I told him I didn’t want that, but once again we are here. I’m told that I never make any effort to change, that I’m like my mum, that I never want to sort anything out. I wanted to go to counselling but he never wanted that. He says I dont want to sort anything but when he gets like this hes not interested in listening to me anyway. I feel every single thing I do is wrong, I’m always in the wrong and I’m told I’ve not made any effort to change, which comes across as if it’s all my fault. I’m scared about my fault. I’m scared about the future. We own our home. I cant afford to move out, I have nowhere else to go, I cant afford to pay all the bills on my own as I only work part time, and I feel completely empty inside and broken. I cry a lot and feel really down and really dont know what to do or who to turn to.
Heather, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. This sounds really difficult. I actually just recorded a podcast on this very topic called, “When to Call It Quits In A Relationship.” I talk through how to know if growth and change is possible in a relationship, or not. I also address cases like yours where growth and change is probably NOT possible (at least, that’s what I’m hearing from the description you provided) but where partners feel like they can’t leave due to their practical circumstances, such as finances. I hope that you listen and that the advice I share there provides you with some direction, and supports you on your path forward. Wishing you all the best, Dr. Lisa
I find myself angry with my husband, who is nearly perfect in so many ways. He’s considerate and kind and helps around the house and loves me completely and unconditionally. But our intimacy has fallen far short of what I want and he’s very inhibited. We’ve been together 7 years, over 5-6 of which we are only intimate 6-12 times per year. We both work a lot but we don’t have any pets or children. I feel like if I don’t initiate, then it doesn’t happen, and sometimes when I do, he has excuses relating to sleep, or his back issues. What triggered this today was me wanting to move my office upstairs. I’ve done everything but move the book cases and desk up, which I obviously need help with. He played too hard at the range this weekend and is now too achy to do anything, which means the project I needed complete before we leave on vacation next week is indefinitely stalled. And I’m angry, and disappointed, and lonely. I dream about intimacy, and it’s rarely him in the dream. I am desperate not to become my mother, who is married to a man with chronic pain and severe limitations physically. I can’t talk to her about my husband, and I don’t have friends or a support system outside of work to get this out of my system. I know he didn’t do this on purpose, but I am still irrationally angry and frustrated and disappointed. Can you provide anything that will help me be more understanding?
Hi Bailey, thank you for getting in touch with me. This is a difficult situation, and I hear you asking, “How can I be more understanding.” I am afraid you asked the wrong therapist for advice with that because I think that your feelings of resentment are healthy and legitimate, and that it would be a big mistake to NOT talk about challenging things and try to cope with a situation that doesn’t feel good for you.
Here are resources to provide you with more information as a starting point, to help you build your courage and confidence in improving your relationship:
– How to Have Difficult Conversations
– Letting Go of Resentment
– How to Be Honest With Yourself
While both these relationship podcast episodes will provide you with more information and insight on why it’s so vitally important to be courageous (and how doing so will prevent you from becoming a bitter old woman), the next step of creating positive change is going to be taking action to improve your relationship. For many couples, this means getting involved with a really good marriage counselor or relationship coach. (Please, please, please read “How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor” before you start looking for a couples therapist, to prevent getting entangled with a not-so-good one!)
If you’d like to do couples counseling / relationship coaching with one of the relationship experts at Growing Self the first step in getting started (after listening to those podcasts and having a serious heart-to-heart with your husband) is to schedule a free consolation session. You’ll have the opportunity to meet face-to-face via online marriage counseling, to discuss your hopes and goals and see if it feels like a good fit before moving forward.
Again, I’m not sure if this was the relationship advice you were hoping for, but this is my honest professional opinion and also the same advice I’d give to a family member or friend who was going through what you’re describing. It can be tempting to want to change yourself in order to make painful feelings like anger or resentment go away, because listening to these feelings feels hard. But the alternative of pushing them away will only lead to an increasingly unhappy relationship, and more pain and suffering for you.
Wishing you all the best Bailey….
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hello, me and my wife have been married for 3 months and together for 3 years total. I do love my wife but there are a lot of days that I do not want to come home from work because I face constant criticism from her on an almost everyday basis multiple times a day. It’s getting old and I am starting to feel some resentment towards her. She will get upset with me and I defend myself she says I have an attitude but if she’s upset it’s ok for her to defend herself. When I make a mistake I get constant criticism from her but when she makes a mistake she has an excuse for it and it’s getting really old really fast. I have had thoughts of just leaving, luckily we do not have any kids. Sometimes I just feel stuck and unhappy. She tells me how my social media account is supposed to look and what I can and can’t a say, so she can be a bit controlling. I have not been an Angel in this relationship I have had my share of mistakes but she will never let them go. Whenever we get into fights sometimes it’s about stuff that we already resolved and she is bringing them up again. Please help, I do not know what to do.
Wes, you are describing a relationship that is stuck in an increasingly toxic, negative cycle. She’s upset with you (for reasons I do not know) and is acting out on that, and her subsequent mistreatment of you is making you feel resentful and angry with her. Your negative reactions to each other are leading to more negative reactions.
But worse, I hear in your story that your core narrative of who she is is changing. The way you’re describing her to me is that she’s unfair, unreasonable, controlling, angry person.
Maybe she actually is all of those things, I have no idea. But what I know for sure is that when people’s narrative about who their partner is goes dark, the relationship is in big trouble. When anyone comes to believe that their relationship problems are due to their partner’s irredeemable character flaws rather than solvable problems, it’s just a matter of time before they formally end the relationship. Divorce happens after a long period of internal “relationship ending” that involves detaching from a person on a mental and emotional level.
You are heading in that direction my friend. Not just because of what’s happening in the relationship, but because of what you’re telling yourself about your partner.
If you would like to change the trajectory of this, it is vital that you get involved in high quality, evidence based marriage counseling with someone who knows what they’re doing. 95% of therapists who offer couples counseling do not have specialized education, training or experience in couples therapy and they will not be able to effectively help you. Please review this article for more information on how to find a good marriage counselor. (And how to avoid a bad / ineffective one).
Particularly in situations like this, you might get one chance to fix this relationship. If you get connected with an unqualified couples counselor who doesn’t know how to help you, that would be a shame.
I am sorry that you’re going through this Wes, but I hope that my honest advice helps you understand the significance of what’s happening under the surface here, and take appropriate action. (If you want to stay married to this person. You might just be done already, and that’s okay too).
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hello, thank you for your honest answer to my relationship, since then things have not gotten much better. I still feel anxiety coming home from work and dreading the weekend. I still get bossed around with who I can hang out with, what I can and can’t wear, and how I should shave. Also with how my beard gets trimmed, I am pretty much not allowed to trim my own beard hair. With that being said I think you are right I do not know I can put up with this much longer. I have found myself looking at other places to live. I still love her but I do not think I can be with her when I know no matter what I do or not do or say I am going to get criticized for it no matter what or she will just blow up at me. I have not been perfect in this relationship but I do try to improve where there needs improvement but it seems like it don’t matter anyway. When she starts getting mad or yelling at me I find myself laughing now rather than getting upset as well, I have no idea what that means but I know in my heart of hearts this relationship is on it’s last leg.
Hi there,
My wife and I have many unresolved issues that have led to her wamting to get a divorce and me feeling like it’s over. She and I have both agreed that we would like to seek professional help to see if we are making it right decision or if there is anything left to be solved.
Thomas, I’m glad that you’re reaching out. It sounds like there is a lot of water under the bridge here, and now both of you are asking whether or not this relationship can be saved. I completely agree: If it is, it will require the support of an excellent marriage counselor, couples therapist or relationship coach. Here is the link to schedule a free consultation session with one of the relationship experts of Growing Self, if you’d like to work with someone on our team: https://www.growingself.com/schedule-free-consultation/
I hope that with the right support, you and your wife can either heal the hurts in your relationship and grow back together again…. or work with someone who can help you part peacefully, with goodwill, and with integrity and intention, if that is ultimately the best path for both of you.
Yours sincerely,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
How do I approach and resolve the issue of my husband being a man child?
You
Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided and just hope he joins in eventually? Or will I start to resent him and drift apart from him?
Aaaahahahahahaha! I LOVED your question so much I answered it on my podcast! “Free Relationship Advice From a Marriage Counselor” — I hope you check it out and that it provides some direction and perspective. Thank you for getting in touch, when I saw your question I laughed out loud! xo, Lisa
My wife and I have been together for over 6 years. We just got married this last October. I have had quite a bit anger issues in the past and present. When we get into arguments, I will sometimes stay calm but I normally get really upset and loud. Only big thing that bothers me is my wife does not give me any space and follows me everywhere until I finally explode even more (even after asking for space). My wife has had a rough up bringing. She was mentally and physically abused as a child. My wife also suffers from ADHD, BI polar and intense anxiety. She is not seeing a doctor nor on meds. I my self have been diagnosed with ADD. I was taking medication but stopped because I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I should of went back to my doctor but we have been having alot of money issues. My childhood was alot different from hers. We had alot of love, but also poor and alot of lies. I saw alot of anger from my step dad towards my mom, (explains some of my anger). Just this month i had a mental break down for over a span of 3 days. My wife and I were arguing every day, I was screaming at her in front of our kids calling her bad names. I honestly felt I could not control myself.Any time she would ask me a question I would get so mad. Even when I asked to be left alone she would follow me and try and stop me from leaving the room nor even the house(this kept making me even more mad).I punched my couch a few times. She then told me to get all my stuff and get out. I packed all my stuff up and left for the night, feeling I needed time to myself. My wife normally stays somewhat calm in situations but will say very uncalled for hainice things.
A few years back she caught me watching adult films. She caught me two more times. I’ll admit I lies about it. This month she found a pair of womans underwear that was not hers and insinuated it was from me cheating. She didn’t straight up say i was cheating, but she had a terrible attitude towards me. I can understand her questioning me but she didn’t ask anyone else who had been over here. it was like the finger got pointed right at me. When I asked her why she thinks I’m cheating she saids its because of what iv done in the past (the adult films) and that I made her this way. I actually stayed very calm over the situation for once. I had no idea where they had came from. I love my wife with all my heart and would never cheat on her, witch I have told her. She has given me two Beautiful children and I would never hurt her. Just the other day I wanted to show her some kinds of romance, because she deserves to feel wanted. I lit a candle,put on music and gave her a good back rub. The back rub turned into more..etc. But then I was unable to get my soldier to stand at attention (BTW I’m only 28). This has only happened to me once when I was put on a medication, that I no longer take. My wife got so upset and went to sleep. i was told I was up to something. She’s under the impression I’m cheating or doing drugs, witch I am definitely not. I can understand her frustration but I’m still one hundred percent attracted to her. I honestly dont know what I should do. Not with just the erectile issue. I have tried staying calm, getting upset and iv cried. I truly feel like she will never trust or believe me. I’m afraid nothing I can do will ever change the way she portrays me, and it breaks my heart. Any advise will help. Thank you.
By the way sorry for the novle. I’m hoping the more details the better.
My dear, you need more than advice from someone in the comments section of a blog post. You need a really good marriage counselor (like, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples work) and who practices evidence based forms of marriage counseling. There is so much going on here that needs to be addressed and resolved. If you would like to stay married to this person, I do sincerely hope you invest in this marriage by getting the right help.
And yes, generally speaking, with what has happened, if you are attempting to repair your relationship after an affair you will need to be the one to do the heavy lifting for a while. You will need support and guidance to do that effectively. Please get into marriage counseling. (With someone who specializes in couples work. Most counselors offering couples counseling DO NOT, and without that expertise, they will have no idea how to help you.)
Hi Josh, thanks for reaching out. I actually answered part of your question on a recent podcast (YOUR questions, answered) but just the part about what to do if your partner won’t take a break. I do hope you check that out.
BUT I also want you to know that what you are describing sounds like a complex, and serious situation with a lot of moving parts: Untreated mental health issues, anger management problems, impulse control problems, trust issues, health issues, trauma. My goodness. I sincerely hope, for the sake of both you and your wife, and your children that you get the help you need and deserve, for all of this.
Any tidbits of advice I could drop are not going to touch any of this, with the exception of this one recommendation: Get real, professional help, and soon. Do not look for online therapy, do not do life coaching, and for the love of all things holy please stop trying to get your legitimate needs met with advice in blogs or any weird text based things. It sounds like your family is falling apart, and you need to get real, meaningful help from mental health professionals — and fast.
Please Google, “community mental health center near me” and then call the intake line to make an appointments for yourself and your wife individually. You will both be able to get the support you need and then when the time is right they can probably do couples therapy with you too. I don’t know what your financial circumstances are, but they often have caseworkers who can see if you are eligible for benefits, Medicaid, etc. You can get access to a psychiatrist who can help you get back on meds, you can get help with anger management, she can get help with her trauma, you can access supportive services for your children, and more.
Your relationship is unlikely to improve unless the two of you get meaningful help for the things you are dealing with. You both deserve that level of support, and your children deserve to have parents who are healthy and well. Please make the call.
Wishing you all the best,
Lisa Marie Bobby
hii, i am a doctor and my boyfriend is a junior engineer. i want to marry that guy. is this good decision .I’m confused. suggest something.
My fiance and I have been together for 7 years engaged 2 due to money issues. We have 2 beautiful kids ages 5 and 2. Long story short is I have not given much to this relationship after I had the kids. Which has led to infidelity on his part (not saying that’s an excuse ) He has tried to bring up the fact that he is not happy where we are and I plan on doing better and then life gets in the way again. We have jobs , 2 kids one with autism ,he does to a 4 year college and not to mention all the other little things life throws at you. Fast forward to a couple days ago I caught him cheating with a friend from work. Instead of begging me to stay he said hes at a crossroad. He doesnt care about being with her hes just tired of going through the motions which he said he WAS willing to do for some reason before I found out. It took him all day and he says he wants to make it work but he is not ready to give his all until he really sees a change and that we have to see a therapist. My question is does this sound like someone who really has just hit a place in the relationship to where he cant move forward without help or is he too far gone?
Wow, what a hard situation. I’m so sorry this is happening. You know, sometimes affairs and emotional entanglements just happen (they can happen in the best of relationships) but sometimes they can be a sign of bigger issues, and it sounds like that may have been the case in your situation. FYI, it is very common for people dealing with this to have a lot of ambivalence about the relationship: You may be wondering if there’s hope here, and it sounds like he’s being really cautious too. I would recommend an approach called “discernment counseling” or “discernment coaching.” This is where you begin working with a couples counselor for the purpose of getting clarity about what is possible for your relationship, before moving forward into the work itself. It is NOT couples counseling for the purpose of improving the relationship — not yet anyway. If you jumped right in with the assumption that you both want to “fix it” it would backfire.
So you’d both meet with the couples therapist to talk about what needs to change on each side, how motivated you are to do the work, etc. Once that is established you’d come back together to talk about where you each are, and get recommendations for moving forward. This will take (usually) 4-6 sessions to hash out. At that point you can then start working on the relationship, making changes and improvements, etc. OR have collaborative conversations about how to end things for the highest and best of each other, and your kids. A well qualified marriage counselor, like the ones on our team at Growing Self can help you do this.
I hope that this approach helps you both find a clear path forward, one way or another.
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
It sounds like you’re feeling ambivalent. I would recommend getting involved in high quality premarital counseling to discuss your concerns (and also the potential) for this relationship so that you can make an informed, thoughtful decision about the best path forward. The person you choose to marry will have a bigger impact on the trajectory of your life than anything else, literally. This is a big decision and it’s okay to take your time. Slow down, do premarital counseling, and see what happens. That’s my advice! All the best, Lisa Marie Bobby
Hello! I found out my husband was having an emotional affair and I think it was more than that. I had my doubts and confronted him but he denied all even tho I had proof. Now it’s been 7 months that he moved back to his moms. He never wants to touch the subject and he hardly wants to talk about what’s going to happen with us. We have sex here and there but I’m noticing that I’m just ready to surrender in my marriage 6 years married but I feel everything was a lie I have 2 kids with him. But I’m already getting use to him not being with us and it’s starting to bother me when he comes over and see the kids but for some reason he acts like nothing and gots hope for us but me I’m just not Interested no more. I just don’t know how to tell him or what to tell him so he can see I’m really serious I want out.
I am wondering if anyone has advise for me;
18 months ago I told my husband of 30 years that I want to seperate, that I do not want sxx anymore. He refused, we both went to therapy (separetly), married a daughter, stopped therapy. We have been living together all this time with no physical contact with him constantly trying and saying he wants me and only me. I have told hime we could be friends, told him to just go find the sex someplace else.
Lately I discovered that he was having sex with someone, |’m not sure for how long, at least a year. When I realized where he was all those nights when I was relieved that he didn’t come home and found myself alone on a holiday I was devasted and realized that I do not want to end our life together and want to try again hoping we can change. We have not had sex in over a year and I wanted to take it slowly but I got carried away and yesterday it happened…..Except he never really got hard.
I felt terribly unatractive (I am very overweight) and kept thinking it was because of me, that he had been with someone firmer and smaller and dfferent that he doesn’t want me anymore. He swore it was the alcohol and the excitement and he did come without ever really getting hard. Instead of being supportive of a man in distress I cried and was sure it was me and I feel very insecure and I do not know how to know. I guess I’ll just have to wait for the next time.
Is it possible for a man to love and say he only wants you and nobody else but not get hard?
My story is a bit confusing to me, so my wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for almost a year now.
I found out that she was not being loyal to me and I confronted her about it and she told me that it will not happen again. The crazy thing about this is that’ll she cheated on me with a friend from college whom she sees every day and claims the is no attraction or emotions involved. And claims the was problems in the relationship which led her to this and each time I try to talk to her she cries and nothing is really sorted and I do not know what to do I want to work on our relationship and she also wants the same what should I do
Hi I really need some advice on my marriage. I’ve been married 28 years but I’m feeling so empty inside. I do most of the housework, as well as doing a part time job. My husband works but then sits around watching tv or going on his motorbike. There is no intimacy and hasn’t been for some years from me because for a long time I not felt like a wife or a woman, I just feel like a servant. Our daughter has been at university. That didn’t help things as she got some independence but was always trying to tell us how we should be at home every time she came home. For some time now every time my husband and daughter argued I was always told by my husband he was gonna leave and wanted a divorce as he said I never backed him up or supported him. A while back we even got to the stage of him saying that was it. We should split up. I told him I didn’t want that, but once again we are here. I’m told that I never make any effort to change, that I’m like my mum, that I never want to sort anything out. I wanted to go to counselling but he never wanted that. He says I dont want to sort anything but when he gets like this hes not interested in listening to me anyway. I feel every single thing I do is wrong, I’m always in the wrong and I’m told I’ve not made any effort to change, which comes across as if it’s all my fault. I’m scared about my fault. I’m scared about the future. We own our home. I cant afford to move out, I have nowhere else to go, I cant afford to pay all the bills on my own as I only work part time, and I feel completely empty inside and broken. I cry a lot and feel really down and really dont know what to do or who to turn to.
Heather, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. This sounds really difficult. I actually just recorded a podcast on this very topic called, “When to Call It Quits In A Relationship.” I talk through how to know if growth and change is possible in a relationship, or not. I also address cases like yours where growth and change is probably NOT possible (at least, that’s what I’m hearing from the description you provided) but where partners feel like they can’t leave due to their practical circumstances, such as finances. I hope that you listen and that the advice I share there provides you with some direction, and supports you on your path forward. Wishing you all the best, Dr. Lisa
Eddie, I’m sorry that this has happened. The good news here is that I’m hearing that this terrible experience has led you to begin having important, honest conversations with each other AND that you’re both expressing commitment to working on your relationship.
Believe it or not, for some couples, this type of crisis can actually be a really positive turning point leading to lots of great things ahead. I hope that is the case for you. To learn more about the process of healing, you might check out a podcast I created on the subject of “Recovering From Infidelity.”
You asked, “What to do?” The next step would be to make an appointment with a couples counselor who specializes in couples work, and who utilizes evidence-based, effective methods of couples therapy. If you would like to pursue online marriage counseling, online couples therapy or online relationship coaching (or Denver marriage counseling) with one of the relationship experts at Growing Self, you’re invited! Just schedule a free consultation to get the ball rolling. Or you could look for marriage counselors in your area. Google “marriage counselors near me” to get an idea of who’s around.
Pro Tip: Do not go to see a garden-variety therapist who is not a marriage and family therapist. When you’re shopping for a therapist look at bios. If a prospective marriage counselor talks a lot about individual therapy and their work treating mental illness, and shares nothing about their education and training in specific, evidence-based types of couples counseling, and then at the end is like, “Oh yeah but I work with couples too…” they are not qualified to help you. More about “How To Find a Marriage Counselor” right here.
I hope all this info points you in the right direction Eddie. Good luck, and let me know how it goes!
All the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Debbie, thank you for reaching out. I’m hearing that there are many layers here, including the current state of your relationship with your husband, how committed you each are to this relationship, and also issues related to your sexual relationship specifically. All of these are far, far beyond the scope of anything that can be addressed in the comments section of a blog post!
If you are both willing, I would encourage you to make an appointment for couples therapy with an experienced marriage counselor (MFT) who utilizes evidence based forms of therapy, and has a background in sex therapy, AND who is familiar with something called “discernment counseling.” Sexual dysfunction can be related to many, many different things and it will require an assessment by qualified professional marriage counselor and sex therapist to uncover what’s going on in that department.
But the bigger issues here would also involve getting clarity on how committed you are to this relationship or not, outside of the circumstance of your husband moving on with someone else. I’m hearing that you were suddenly motivated to be with him and have sex with him when you were afraid of losing him forever… but not when he wanted to be with you. Gotta figure that out Debbie.
Also, does he still want to be with you? Does he still have feelings for this other person? Is he anxious or ambivalent about this relationship? Is he afraid of being hurt by you again? I have absolutely no idea, but these are the kinds of questions I would be seeking to clarify if I were your marriage counselor.
If it is established that you are both, in fact, committed to being married to each other again, THEN there would be a process of repairing all the emotional damage that’s been done over the years. There’s a lot of water under this bridge Debbie.
Once you’ve re-established your connection to each other, then you could turn your attention to repairing the sexual part of your relationship. (Which would also take time).
I think you might be jumping pretty far ahead here Debbie, and trying to wallpaper over years of serious relationship issues through sex (and then wondering why that’s not working). I think a better strategy for you both would be to get into couples therapy with a competent marriage counselor who has a background in sex therapy, figure out what you both want, and, if it’s the marriage, start the slow, painstaking process of gluing all these shattered pieces back together. The sex part will be the cherry on top.
You can do it, but it will take time and professional guidance. Good luck to you both.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Letty, I hear what you’re asking, but would be really inappropriate of me to suggest ways to tell your husband you want a divorce in the context of a blog post comment. I don’t know anything about you, your husband, your circumstances, or what you want.
My advice to you: If you are looking for clarity and guidance about how to “consciously uncouple” with your husband in a way that prioritizes the highest and best for both of you and your children, and sets the stage for a strong future where you can collaboratively co-parent together for years to come, you should work with an experienced marriage and family therapist to create a solid plan.
Over a number of sessions, they can help you sort through your feelings, get clear about what you want to say, provide some mediated conversation to help your husband hear you, and then provide coaching that allows you to create a solid plan for your family post-marriage.
If you’d like to do this work with one of the relationship experts of Growing Self, the first step would be to schedule a free consultation meeting to discuss your goals and see if it’s a good fit. Then you can begin working together, step-by-step, towards the creation of the future you desire.
I wish you all the very best on your journey of growth as you make the transition into this new chapter.
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
I find myself angry with my husband, who is nearly perfect in so many ways. He’s considerate and kind and helps around the house and loves me completely and unconditionally. But our intimacy has fallen far short of what I want and he’s very inhibited. We’ve been together 7 years, over 5-6 of which we are only intimate 6-12 times per year. We both work a lot but we don’t have any pets or children. I feel like if I don’t initiate, then it doesn’t happen, and sometimes when I do, he has excuses relating to sleep, or his back issues. What triggered this today was me wanting to move my office upstairs. I’ve done everything but move the book cases and desk up, which I obviously need help with. He played too hard at the range this weekend and is now too achy to do anything, which means the project I needed complete before we leave on vacation next week is indefinitely stalled. And I’m angry, and disappointed, and lonely. I dream about intimacy, and it’s rarely him in the dream. I am desperate not to become my mother, who is married to a man with chronic pain and severe limitations physically. I can’t talk to her about my husband, and I don’t have friends or a support system outside of work to get this out of my system. I know he didn’t do this on purpose, but I am still irrationally angry and frustrated and disappointed. Can you provide anything that will help me be more understanding?
Hi Bailey, thank you for getting in touch with me. This is a difficult situation, and I hear you asking, “How can I be more understanding.” I am afraid you asked the wrong therapist for advice with that because I think that your feelings of resentment are healthy and legitimate, and that it would be a big mistake to NOT talk about challenging things and try to cope with a situation that doesn’t feel good for you.
Here are resources to provide you with more information as a starting point, to help you build your courage and confidence in improving your relationship:
– How to Have Difficult Conversations
– Letting Go of Resentment
– How to Be Honest With Yourself
While both these relationship podcast episodes will provide you with more information and insight on why it’s so vitally important to be courageous (and how doing so will prevent you from becoming a bitter old woman), the next step of creating positive change is going to be taking action to improve your relationship. For many couples, this means getting involved with a really good marriage counselor or relationship coach. (Please, please, please read “How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor” before you start looking for a couples therapist, to prevent getting entangled with a not-so-good one!)
If you’d like to do couples counseling / relationship coaching with one of the relationship experts at Growing Self the first step in getting started (after listening to those podcasts and having a serious heart-to-heart with your husband) is to schedule a free consolation session. You’ll have the opportunity to meet face-to-face via online marriage counseling, to discuss your hopes and goals and see if it feels like a good fit before moving forward.
Again, I’m not sure if this was the relationship advice you were hoping for, but this is my honest professional opinion and also the same advice I’d give to a family member or friend who was going through what you’re describing. It can be tempting to want to change yourself in order to make painful feelings like anger or resentment go away, because listening to these feelings feels hard. But the alternative of pushing them away will only lead to an increasingly unhappy relationship, and more pain and suffering for you.
Wishing you all the best Bailey….
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Hello, me and my wife have been married for 3 months and together for 3 years total. I do love my wife but there are a lot of days that I do not want to come home from work because I face constant criticism from her on an almost everyday basis multiple times a day. It’s getting old and I am starting to feel some resentment towards her. She will get upset with me and I defend myself she says I have an attitude but if she’s upset it’s ok for her to defend herself. When I make a mistake I get constant criticism from her but when she makes a mistake she has an excuse for it and it’s getting really old really fast. I have had thoughts of just leaving, luckily we do not have any kids. Sometimes I just feel stuck and unhappy. She tells me how my social media account is supposed to look and what I can and can’t a say, so she can be a bit controlling. I have not been an Angel in this relationship I have had my share of mistakes but she will never let them go. Whenever we get into fights sometimes it’s about stuff that we already resolved and she is bringing them up again. Please help, I do not know what to do.
Hi,
I have been married for 5 years and have 3 young children, 1, 3 and 4. The last couple of years I caught her messaging and planning to meet other men many times and have no idea wether she has done anything more or not. She lied to my face about a certain message while I was stood there telling her I know the truth, probably 10 minutes of me giving her a chance to tell me before I showed her the message. I got that fed up of it I looked online…
On a certain hook up site I was contacted and I set up a blind date with someone, somewhere public so we were safe and could walk away.
Turns out it was my sisyer in law, my wifes brothers wife. She thought she caught her husband because my wife and her brother are exactly the same. We talked for hours about them, how many times they’ve been caught and what we didn’t know.
Long story short, she left my brother in law and I started an affair with her. We were both honest with each other about everything and both called it off after a few times because she could tell it was messing with my head… I knew from day 1 it would.
I am stuck…
I play happy families until the kids are alseep and then my mood changes and I just go out
I dont want to leave my wife because of the children
I hate everything she has done to me
I can’t look at her most days
Yet I am asking is there a way I could make it work again? How can I just drop it in my head and get on with it?
Wes, you are describing a relationship that is stuck in an increasingly toxic, negative cycle. She’s upset with you (for reasons I do not know) and is acting out on that, and her subsequent mistreatment of you is making you feel resentful and angry with her. Your negative reactions to each other are leading to more negative reactions.
But worse, I hear in your story that your core narrative of who she is is changing. The way you’re describing her to me is that she’s unfair, unreasonable, controlling, angry person.
Maybe she actually is all of those things, I have no idea. But what I know for sure is that when people’s narrative about who their partner is goes dark, the relationship is in big trouble. When anyone comes to believe that their relationship problems are due to their partner’s irredeemable character flaws rather than solvable problems, it’s just a matter of time before they formally end the relationship. Divorce happens after a long period of internal “relationship ending” that involves detaching from a person on a mental and emotional level.
You are heading in that direction my friend. Not just because of what’s happening in the relationship, but because of what you’re telling yourself about your partner.
If you would like to change the trajectory of this, it is vital that you get involved in high quality, evidence based marriage counseling with someone who knows what they’re doing. 95% of therapists who offer couples counseling do not have specialized education, training or experience in couples therapy and they will not be able to effectively help you. Please review this article for more information on how to find a good marriage counselor. (And how to avoid a bad / ineffective one).
Particularly in situations like this, you might get one chance to fix this relationship. If you get connected with an unqualified couples counselor who doesn’t know how to help you, that would be a shame.
I am sorry that you’re going through this Wes, but I hope that my honest advice helps you understand the significance of what’s happening under the surface here, and take appropriate action. (If you want to stay married to this person. You might just be done already, and that’s okay too).
Wishing you all the best,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
What a soap opera! I have zero advice for you beyond suggesting that you get connected with a really good therapist (ideally someone with a strong family therapy background) who can begin excavating all the many, many layers of this situation, and all that preceded it, to help you get clarity about 1) how the heck you got into this mess and 2) how to get out of it.
There are no easy answers for any of this. There is no “advice” that anyone can give you. You have a lot of work to do, and only you can do it. No one else has the answers. The process of growth and discovery ahead of you is going to be a long one, but it’s the only way. On the bright side, I imagine that this is long overdue, and that this mess of a situation is motivating you to start looking for a professional to help you. So there’s that. Keep going!
Good luck. Dr. Lisa
Hello, thank you for your honest answer to my relationship, since then things have not gotten much better. I still feel anxiety coming home from work and dreading the weekend. I still get bossed around with who I can hang out with, what I can and can’t wear, and how I should shave. Also with how my beard gets trimmed, I am pretty much not allowed to trim my own beard hair. With that being said I think you are right I do not know I can put up with this much longer. I have found myself looking at other places to live. I still love her but I do not think I can be with her when I know no matter what I do or not do or say I am going to get criticized for it no matter what or she will just blow up at me. I have not been perfect in this relationship but I do try to improve where there needs improvement but it seems like it don’t matter anyway. When she starts getting mad or yelling at me I find myself laughing now rather than getting upset as well, I have no idea what that means but I know in my heart of hearts this relationship is on it’s last leg.
We have been separated (not legally) for 8 months. I still want to try marriage counseling, but he does not. Is it to late to still try counseling?
We have been separated (not legally) for 8 months. I still want to try marriage counseling, but he does not. Is it to late to still try counseling?
Good Morning,
My husband and I have a wonderful marriage and recently were blessed with a now almost 3 month old baby. We love each other and generally have a good relationship but recently have had some issues with not seeing eye to eye since the baby was born.
I am currently on maternity leave and my husband wishes he could be home with our son. We have had a lot of struggles with our son having digestive problems and with sleep. He has terrible reflux and therefore wakes up when he’s put down lying flat and therefore sleep is hard to come by. There are some nights when I am up with him for 5-6 hours during the night and then have to function during the day. I have no time to maintain the house, look for a new job (I’m looking to change jobs) or even eat or go to the bathroom. My mom does come over sometimes and I’ll take a half hour nap but generally if he doesn’t sleep then that’s that. I let my husband sleep during the week without interruption because he has to go to work and I want him to be safe on the roads and function at work. He recently went on a four night trip with his friend which I gave him my blessing to go. During that time our son had a lot of problems and there was one day he was inconsolable , refusing bottles etc so I took him to the doctor as that was very unlike him. It wasn’t an easy stretch of four nights for him to be gone but I was happy for him to get time with his friend. He got good sleep (one night reporting 11 hours) and a relaxing vacation so I asked him if he’d mind taking one night over the weekend this coming weekend so I could get a night of uninterrupted rest. He said I was throwing his vacation in his face and that it was rude to ask him this far in advance and that he needs time on the week ends to relax. I was honestly stunned. He truly does not understand the level of care and time our son requires and how exhausting it is to be sleep deprived all the time. Our son is such an immense blessing but im still exhausted and overwhelmed because I get nothing done because he won’t nap. My husband generally speaking is a wonderful husband and father but I just feel unsupported and alone sometimes in our care for our son when it comes to overnights and him understanding how difficult it can be caring for him even if he is an immense blessing. I didn’t think asking him to take one overnight was asking a lot and he just kept reiterating he thought it was rude of me to ask him this far in advance (on a Monday) for the following weekend. Am I being unreasonable? How do I get him to understand?
Just as a continuation of my comment above, he apologised shortly after but I really think it was to avoid an argument. He said he was sorry he would take an overnight and he was wrong but I think he just didn’t want to fight. I truly think he just doesn’t get it or just doesn’t care enough about my struggles and feels that since I’m home I’m still more fortunate and that it’s an easier job.
I’m hoping you can help me know if I’m asking for too much from my wife.
I am a married man, and I work full time. My wife stays at home, she has chronic fatigue syndrome and cannot work, or do household tasks. So I am left working, looking after most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. We have 2 children, which I also need to deal with, get organized, etc.
My wife received a large inheritance 5 years ago and put it into an investment (a quarter million). She says she is saving it for our retirement, and that’s great. However, I am scared that once I retire in 10 years, she’ll decide to leave, with her money. I spend every cent I have keeping us afloat, so I can’t save anything for my retirement or future.
Is it wrong for me to expect her to add my name to the investments, so I can be secure in the knowledge that all my hard work now is not going to end up in my own financial disaster?
She is afraid I’ll spend the investments on things she doesn’t want to. I’m perfectly happy not having control of any type of investment withdrawal, I just want some security and peace of mind for my future, that the money will pay off our house, as she claims.
I feel like if I want control of my future, I need to leave our marriage so I can start saving some of my money for retirement. But that’s not financially smart for either of us.
In my experience, a marriage should share everything, and I’ve certainly done more than my share of giving over the last few years – my time, my money, cooking, cleaning, shopping, repairs, etc.
What should I do?
Hello!
My husband has a rather fragile ego and a bit emotionally immature due to lack of resources, education and support of his family. He immigrated to the US from a rather differently cultured country. He doesn’t think therapy is helpful even though he’s never done it. I have to constantly carry him throughout life since he’s not used to all of the responsibilities, paperwork, etc. I have to be the one to push him to do things which I’ve understood since he got here. My issue is his motivation in life and motivation to work and help me with the bills. Due to waiting on the government to allow him to work I think he got comfortable. But since he got the authorization, I’ve had to push him to work. I’ve been in that boat where I didn’t want to work and was unmotivated so I understand it but I also wouldn’t want to rely on someone else like that. He does want to become a YouTuber to make money off of, but that is SUPER hard to become successful at and he understands that but I think gets discouraged/depressed that that’s not something he can do at the moment. We have a joint bank account where we put our income together and pay bills and credit card debt but because I make a very good income, he thinks he doesn’t have a need to work/pay bills and doesn’t want to be uncomfortable working at these dead end jobs. But he also spends a lot on games or food at his pleasure (and I do enable him) which is putting us more in debt. I was thinking of opening separate bank account and wanted to know if that was a good idea? Marriages are supposed to be about each others income coming together to pay the bills but everyone around me is saying to get separate ones because he’s taking advantage of that. I’ve always had issues communicating my thoughts but I’ve been trying to do so without hurting him and it’s been slowly improving but I wanted to know if that separate account thing would be a good idea? I’m in charge of the expenses and don’t really allow him much nor does he take initiative most of the time. I feel like if he had his income in his own account and give me a bit of that to put towards bills and I pay the rest would be good that way he would really see what he can and can’t spend and how little he’s actually putting effort into to make.
Hi, it sounds like you’re on the right track in considering how you can set boundaries and no longer enable him, for the good of your relationship and both of you, as individuals. Even if he’s not willing to try couples counseling, working with an individual therapist can help you conquer codependency, set boundaries, and continue working on your communication tools (good for you for working on that already!). In the meantime, I happen to have a few podcast episodes you might find helpful, or may even want to share with him or play to listen to together: “Let’s Talk About Money, Honey,” “Create Your Ten Year Plan,” and “How to Stop Being Codependent.” Best, Lisa
Hi, thank you for sharing. What comes up as I read your compelling story is trust. What has led you to fear that your wife will leave once you’re retired? What dynamics in the relationship have contributed to this feeling of inequity (you mention some big ones). It seems like the need to trust and feel safe in this relationship may be at the root of the question about the investment. Your needs are valid and it’s important that your wife is able to hear your feelings and needs and compromise to prioritize them. I hope that answers your question. I also recommend trying couple’s counseling, if you haven’t already. In couple’s counseling, you and your wife would get guidance on communicating differently, in ways that help you feel truly heard and understood. Warmly, Dr. Lisa
Hi Catie, having a new baby is one of the most challenging times for a relationship. John Gottman talks a lot about this and I recommend his book “And Baby Makes Three.” You aren’t alone in finding yourself in conflict with your partner. I’m sorry – it’s so hard sometimes. Some good news: we do know of tools that work for couples, to help you get through this more smoothly, but also grow closer through it (instead of farther apart)! I have a few resources for you: “How to Keep Your Relationship Strong After Having a Baby” and “Relationship After Baby: 3 Ways to Prepare.” I know you’re both so busy, but you might want to consider enlisting the help of a therapist trained to support couples in your situation. We have a couple on our Growing Self team. Warm regards, Dr. Lisa
Hi Mary, you can certainly still benefit from couples counseling after being separated. In fact, there are all sorts of couples counseling, from discernment (should we stay together?) to amicable coparenting after divorce, and even help with therapeutic separation (taking an intentional break). Even if he isn’t willing to go, I encourage you to meet with someone for your own support. My best, Dr. Lisa
Yikes, Wesley, this does not sounds like a good situation for you. Here are some resources that might help you get more clarity: Unhealthy Relationships, When to Call it Quits in a Relationship, and Emotional Safety.
Good luck my friend.
Dr. Lisa