How Much Does Premarital Counseling Cost?

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Once, during a bridal show at a Denver-area convention center, packed with young, beautiful couples all glowing and holding hands, I conducted a premarital counseling workshop with fellow Growing Self counselor Jessica S. where we went over some skills and strategies that couples need to keep a marriage happy, healthy and strong.

We basically gave them a mini-rundown of what we teach in our Lifetime of Love premarital course, things like: communication strategies, how couples can help each other feel loved and respected, and some of the ways couples can come together around important topics like managing finances as a couple, parenting, teamwork, priorities and more.

After our premarital counseling presentation, many of the couples came up to talk to us and ask us some common premarital questions. One couple, in particular, stood out.

“Your presentation was really eye-opening,” said the male partner, nervously taking a class flyer. “I think we have a lot to learn!”

His fiancé, nodding and giggling, said, “We sure do!”

“I don’t know, talking about things so openly, especially some things,” the groom-to-be said, cryptically, looking at his partner for signs of understanding, “might cause more problems.”

“Yeah,” the woman said, agreeing again, but noticeably looking at the ground. “Might open a can of worms.”

Then, suddenly, she perked up and said to him, “Don’t forget, we’re going with the larger table arrangements now and adding a third entree choice, so premarital counseling could put us over-budget!”

Putting down the flyer and looking relieved, her partner said, “Yeah, premarital counseling is expensive! Especially if we’re going to be paying more for flowers now. So… probably a bad idea.”

They then wandered off to taste some wedding cake.

Affordable Premarital Counseling

Jessica and I were left dumbfounded. Remember, we’re marriage counselors. We sit with couples on the brink, and try to help them repair their relationships after things have gotten bad. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished couples came for help years earlier, while they still had a chance. Here’s a secret: Relationship problems are like cancer — the sooner you deal with it, the more likely you are to have a successful outcome (like avoiding a divorce). In fact, research shows that premarital counseling can literally make or break a marriage.

So, Jessica and I were so sad for this couple. Here was a young, engaged couple acknowledging on some level that there were significant issues in their relationship, and very deliberately choosing not to address them. They weren’t prioritizing fancier flower arrangements over the long-term health of their marriage, were they? I hope not! (Except that in this case…. Yeah, they were.) 

The irony here is that not only is premarital counseling affordable, it’s also one of the most valuable things you could possibly do. Really good premarital counseling has far reaching positive impacts on so many things: Successful, satisfying marriages. Strong, healthy families. There are associations between marital satisfaction and health outcomes, and… wait for it… marital success is also associated with higher lifetime earnings and wealth accumulation.

But this couple was not thinking about the cost of premarital counseling that way. They were thinking about fancier flower arrangements vs. paying for this premarital counseling thing that they maybe didn’t really want to do. So, they went for the flowers. I get it!

Let’s Talk About The Cost of Not Doing Premarital Counseling

My guess is that the couple was nervous about premarital counseling because they didn’t really understand what it was about and the difference it could make in their future lives together. Or perhaps they were afraid to talk and “get real” about important premarital questions that could impact their shared life together. Issues like, how are you going to manage money as a couple? Or, what are your expectations for your relationship? (That last one is an especially important question for couples in cross-cultural relationships). They also clearly didn’t know that even the best premarital counseling is not expensive at all, and probably wouldn’t make a dent in their overall wedding budget. 

To put it all another way: I don’t believe they understood the true value of premarital counseling, which has been shown in numerous research studies to have a significant impact on marital satisfaction and the longevity of marriages. 

If you and your partner, on your way toward a marriage, seem to think in ways similar to this couple, might I ask: “When is a good time to talk about the things you’re avoiding?” On the honeymoon? After you’re pregnant? On the marriage counselor’s couch when you’re on the brink of divorce?”

Looking back, I wish I could have talked to that couple a little longer, and helped them understand that good premarital counseling is only there to help them strengthen their relationship, and get on the same page in order to prevent future fights — not to cause trouble. 

There’s so much at stake in building a marriage. To be successful in one, you and your partner need to learn how to communicate, establish and perhaps continuously repair trust, create expectations and boundaries for family (especially in blended family scenarios), and plenty more to plan and discuss — really, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

We spend decades in school learning about everything from geometry to history, literature to the sciences. But we get zero formal education about how to talk so people will listen, how to listen so people will talk, how to understand the nature of love, how to create compromise and agreement, and how to avoid relationship problems. But sessions with a licensed, experienced premarital counselor — who knows what questions to ask and what topics to broach when there’s still so much positive energy built into the relationship as it nears a wedding — will help you and your partner work through it all. 

I never wanted to be a breakup expert. I actually hate being a breakup expert! I don’t want to watch people rip up their wedding photos as part of a cathartic “releasing ritual.” I would much, much rather devote my life to helping couples avoid all of this heartbreak and tragedy, and just have happy lives and happy families.

That’s why, over the years, I have become increasingly passionate about early relationship intervention. In my practice, we have doubled down on premarital counseling services and relationship education, while being mindful of burgeoning couples’ budgets — though there cannot be any price fixed upon the strength of your relationship.