Do I Need a Dating Coach, Or a Dating Consultant?

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC

Should I Get a Dating Coach?

Lots of people — especially those who wind up being very successful in dating — enlist the support of a great professional dating coach. The people who struggle the most in dating are often the ones who believe that it “should” be easy, or that they “should” be able to figure it all out on their own. Relationships just happen — everyone else just got lucky, right?

Wrong. Dating coaching is a huge industry, and there’s a reason why. All those people you see on social media reveling in their love were once sad singles in the place you are right now. The smartest ones leapfrogged over the messy middle by connecting with a dating consultant to help them get the outcomes they wanted. You can too.

If you’re stuck in a cycle of dates that go nowhere, unanswered messages on dating apps, situationships that never get more serious, you may be thinking, “Is there something wrong with me?” The answer is “ABSOLUTELY NOT!” There’s nothing wrong with you, but there may be things that you can do differently to get better results. The hard part is that much of what we do in relationships is non-conscious. We can’t see out blind spots, and we don’t know what we don’t know about what to do differently.

That’s where a dating coach or “dating consultant” comes in; to help you analyze your approach to dating and relationships, figure out what you really want, and help you gain the confidence to break out of unsatisfying dating patterns. Here are four things to consider if you’re wondering whether a Denver dating coach or online dating coach is right for you.

Signs You Need a Dating Coach: Impatience

1. Dating Consultant = More Productive Dating

This question, when asking yourself if you should get a Denver dating coach, or online dating consultant is twofold. First, literally, how much time do you have in the average day or week to put into dating?

Chances are, you have a lot going on already. Finding the time to massage your online dating profile, going to clubs or bars hoping to find someone in the wild, or going on a string of lackluster first dates can be a huge drain on your most precious resource: your time. That’s why it’s so important that the time and energy you can devote to dating is focused, productive, and designed to get you the results you want. 

While successful dating is always an investment, having a dating consultant to answer your dating questions, helping you get your online dating profile just right, learning how to avoid dead-end “chatters,” and socializing strategically to meet the types of people you’re most interested in, can help ensure you’re only going on first dates with promising people.

The second part of this question is even bigger-picture. Do you want to “date” or do you want a long-term relationship? If you’re in your thirties or forties, it’s more likely you’re looking for love (although the former is A-OK as well!)

Around this age, men and women may feel that life is starting to pass them by. They see friends and family settling down, getting married, having kids, and generally getting more stable and settled. If they want a relationship and are still stuck in ambiguous “situationships,” it can get very frustrating and painful. More on “quarter life crisis” here.

When you’re ready to stop dating jerks, or wasting your time in a dead-end toxic relationships, a good dating coach can help you identify your attachment style and old patterns in relationships so that you can learn about yourself, and grow. Really good dating coaching (ideally, with a licensed therapist who specializes in relationships) can be a very deep personal growth experience that leads to increased emotional intelligence, and healthy relationships that last a lifetime.

Working with a great dating coach can, ironically, be hugely helpful when you don’t actually want to “date.” If your focus is to find the person you can spend the rest of your life with, an expert dating coach can help you cut through the distractions, stop chasing after the wrong things, and get very strategic about how you connect with people. Having this support and guidance can help you avoid months or years of more dead-end relationships, and fall into the arms of your true love.

So if you’re thinking, “Do I need a dating coach?” Consider how much longer you’re willing to keep doing what you have been doing. If you’d like to cut through the wasted time and find your person ASAP, you could benefit from working with a dating consultant.

Signs You Need a Dating Coach: Confusion

2. A Dating Consultant Guides You Through the Minefield

Another sign that you might need a dating coach is if you’re feeling genuinely confused about some of your experiences in dating and don’t know what to do differently. Modern dating can be fraught with potential pitfalls. Ghosts, Zombies, Catfishers and Breadcrumbs abound, and it can be hard to know how to handle yourself in these situations, especially if you’ve been dating after divorce, or have otherwise been out of the dating game for some time. 

Furthermore, you might be getting into situations that just don’t make sense, like going out on a couple of great dates with someone you like, only to have them ghost you and disappear. You might be wondering “What am I doing wrong here??”

There are so many small turning points in the early stages of a new relationship, and knowing how to handle dating situations can make the difference between developing a real and lasting connection with someone, or continuing to spin your wheels. 

While part of “finding the one” is, literally, connecting with someone who has the potential to be a good partner for you (and vice versa) it’s not the whole story. Don’t buy into the myth that relationship success magically happens when you connect with the unicorn you’ve been looking for, and that successful online dating is about finding that person. 

Enlisting the support of a good dating coach — particularly one who is genuinely a relationship expert, with a background in marriage and family therapy — can help you understand what is really going on, and help you feel more in control of the situation. 

Really good dating coaching is about helping you grow in your relationship potential too. As they guide you through the “dating minefield” you’ll be learning new things about yourself every step of the way: The people you’re attracted to, how you communicate, how you set boundaries, and more.

Working with a really good dating coach / relationship expert will help you understand if there are actually blind spots and growth opportunities that could help you get better results in all of your relationships. As you gain insight and mastery, and grow yourself, you’ll be able to confidently approach new dating situations with confidence, charisma, and clarity.

So, do you need a dating coach? If you’re having experiences in dating that are mystifying and you can’t figure out what to do differently to avoid them from happening again (…Lisa shakes her Magic 8 Ball…) “Signs point to ‘yes.’”

Signs You Need a Dating Coach: You Need to Work on Patterns

3. A Dating Coach Disrupts Old Relationship Patterns

Another major and very important sign that you need a dating consultant or dating coach is if you realize you keep engaging in the same relationship patterns over and over again, like choosing the wrong partners, losing yourself in relationships, settling for less, or pushing people away. If, when you get honest with yourself, and have a history of less-than-ideal relationship experiences, it’s past time to get help from a dating coach. And, honestly, your best bet would be to work with a licensed therapist — ideally a marriage and family therapist who specializes in healthy relationships — that also provides dating coaching services.

Here’s why: Many times, people aren’t even conscious of what they’re doing in their relationships because their patterns are so old and ingrained. They just feel frustrated by the results they are getting. But the answers to changing these patterns are not going to be found in “tips” or “strategies.” These kinds of patterns only change when you do deeper work on yourself.

If this sounds familiar, getting different results might require having a third party who can help you see your blind-spots. All of the dating coaches at Growing Self are also experienced therapists and couples counselors, and we can help you dig deeper to understand the subconscious thoughts, feelings and “old scripts” about relationships that might be getting in the way of your success.

Our dating coaches offer so much more than just providing dating consultant tips for how to improve your profile, or first date do’s and don’ts. And we will not be coming at this from a “Rules for The Game” type of gimmicky perspective. (Spoiler: there is no basis for games, or any kind of manipulation or misrepresentation in healthy relationships). 

We can help you transform the way you conduct your relationships, by helping you understand your typical patterns in relationships, how you communicate, set boundaries, manage insecurities, increase your emotional intelligence, understand your attachment style, and how you “show up” to others.

Self-awareness is key to personal growth. Our expert dating coaches can help you understand yourself on a deeper level, and stop engaging in the old patterns that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past. Then, you’ll be free to create the bright new future of your OWN design, with the most compatible partner for YOU.

Not only is this type of deeper growth work going to help you improve your results with dating — it’s going to help you have a better relationship when you do find your partner. It’s also going to help you feel happier and better about yourself, no matter what’s going on in your life.

This growth work is essential. And a therapist who specializes in relationships and can help you do this work through the context of dating? Amazing. And you deserve nothing less.

Signs You Need a Dating Coach: It’s Time To Grow

4. A Dating Coach is a Growth Motivator

Lastly, one other sign that you need a dating coach is this: If you feel like having a healthy relationship is extremely important for you, but you’re not really putting a lot of effort or energy into creating that outcome (or don’t even know how), a good dating coach can really help you get serious and make it happen. Coaches are teachers and guides… but they’re also accountability partners. When you commit to a coach you commit to yourself.

While some of our dating coaching clients really just want and need to freshen up their strategy and acquire a few tips, other people need to do some real soul-searching and self-exploration to make larger changes to the way they approach relationships. Whatever your needs are, our dating coaches can have strategic dating advice tailor-made for you.

However, dating coaching is not a one-way street, and working with us is not a passive experience. Your dating coach will be helping you create assignments that will challenge you, and motivate you to try new things, but ultimately, you will need to make the active choice to implement these changes. 

Furthermore, finding the right person and developing a lasting relationship is not a one-time event, but a process that is constantly evolving as your relationship grows. Changing the way you meet people, engage with people, and handle yourself in relationships involves gaining both self-awareness and new skills and strategies. Your love for yourself, and your willingness to do the work, is what will ultimately get you the results you want.

Do You Need a Dating Consultant?

I sincerely hope that this discussion of what dating coaches and dating consultants do has provided you with insight and clarity about whether you need a dating coach. In my experience, everyone can benefit from exploring their patterns and getting an expert opinion on whether there are opportunities for growth and improvement.

But if you’ve been reading along and thinking “Oh, that sounds like me…” (particularly if you have old patterns in relationships that you’d like to not repeat again, or if you genuinely do not know what to do differently) it’s time for a dating coach.

I would strongly recommend that, before you do contact a dating coach, you continue educating yourself about the different types of dating coaches, and learn more about what dating coaches do first. (Scroll down to find more articles with answers to these all-important dating coaching questions). This way you can make informed and educated decisions about who to choose as your dating coach. Who you work with matters.

Your partner in growth,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, BCC( PhD, LP, LMFT, BCC )

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is the founder and clinical director of Growing Self. She is a licensed psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified coach, as well as the author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast.

Learn more about Dr. Lisa

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