720.370.1800 - Intl 844.331.1993
Embracing Growth: Getting Comfortable With Discomfort

Embracing Growth: Getting Comfortable With Discomfort

Want to Make a Change? You May Need to Get Uncomfortable.

As a life coach and therapist, I often talk to people who feel stuck in situations that are not ideal, especially in their careers or their relationships.

Why? Because even though they are not “in love” with their current circumstances, keeping things as-is feels safer and more comfortable than the idea of making a big change. Even though they know they can do more, or have more, they resist embracing their full potential because change can feel hard. Even scary.

Remember The Matrix? How our hero Nero / Keanu had to make a choice between staying in the comfort of the life he knew, or waking up to the uncomfortable truth of what was actually happening?

 

online-life-coach-transformation-comfortable-uncomfortable-how-to-change-your-life-redblue_pill.

 

Do you stay comfy? Or do you grow?

We’re all faced with that same choice. Do we stay in our comfort zone and pretend that the life we have is all that is possible? Or do we wake up to the anxiety-provoking truth that we can do more… but that it will probably require being less comfortable for a minute, while we create our new reality.

Sometimes simply recognizing that the life we are living is not in line with who we truly are can bring on a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Some of us feel better when we just keep doing what we are doing, in order to remain comfortable. It’s easy to lay around and not exercise. It’s easy to avoid tough, but necessary conversations with our partners. It’s easy to punch in and punch out at a mediocre, unfulfilling job that pays the bills.

It’s hard to push yourself to do more.

Herein lies the majority of the problem: we are ALL conditioned to be satisfied with “comfortable.” Many people feel so threatened by the possibility of discomfort that they create “reasons” (aka, “excuses”) for why change is not possible, or blame others for the condition of their lives. While feeling helpless is not a great feeling, believe it or not, being the victim can feel less threatening than the possibility that you actually are in control of your life… and that you do have the power to change it.

What I’ve learned as a life coach who specializes in helping people get motivated is that there’s tremendous opportunity in discomfort. The truth is, we do NOT often progress, grow, and/or accomplish great things by remaining comfortable. If the early American settlers wanted to stay comfortable, our country would have stopped in Pennsylvania. If Susan B. Anthony stayed comfortable in the early 1900’s, when would women have been able to vote? If Martin Luther King Jr would have stayed comfortable, we may all still be using different water fountains.

If you want to change your life, you must learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. How appealing does “being comfortable” sound if it’s synonymous with “mediocre and stagnant.” The truth is that feeling uncomfortable can push you towards great things. That is how we grow! We learn to make fire because we are uncomfortable with cold. Imagine what it would be like if we just learned to be comfortable with the cold. Burrr.

Embrace the feeling of knowing that you NEED to do something else with your life — don’t avoid it. If you are brave enough to entertain the idea that what you are doing might not be enough, then you are uncomfortable in your current situation. That is the starting point of growth. Don’t lie to yourself, or those around you, as a way of playing it safe. Be uncomfortable with your situation. Embrace it. And BE the change that you need to see in your life.

Zachary Gaiter M.A.

Let Go of Unhealthy Guilt

Let Go of Unhealthy Guilt

You Shouldn’t Follow Every Feeling

I’m a big fan of feelings. Feelings carry important information. Feelings help us understand ourselves, have empathy for other people, and feelings can help us live a values-based life. However, some kinds of feelings are more complicated than others. Sometimes we need to figure out if our feelings are worth listening to and taking guidance from, or if we need to override them in order to be our best selves. 

Like feelings of depression or anxiety, guilt is one of those potentially confusing feelings. Believe it or not, some types of guilt are actually healthy and good; healthy guilt can help us be better people. However, some types of unhealthy guilt are not at all useful or constructive,  and can even trap us in bad situations; stealing our voices and our power.

Unhealthy guilt, and it’s even nastier sidekick shame, can lead you to beat yourself up for everything. Or take responsibility for things you shouldn’t. Or heap more and more onto yourself until you buckle under the pressure. Or fail to set boundaries with people who want more from you than it’s healthy for you to give.

So figuring out the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt is essential, in order to stay in a good place mentally and emotionally. How can you tell whether your feelings of guilt are something you should listen to, or whether you should push them away?

Understanding, and Embracing “Healthy” Guilt

First of all, what is Guilt? I think of “guilt” as being that sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you that you’re wrong. You’re out of line. You screwed up. And sometimes… it’s right. We all mess up sometimes.

Healthy guilt is the voice of your conscience, letting you know that you need to do better next time. In fact, responsible, caring, hardworking people tend to feel guilty on a regular basis. Conversely, people who don’t struggle with guilt often don’t have inner emotional brakes that tell them to “stop.” They may even have difficulty empathizing with others. As they sail through life, guilt free, they may never fully understand the consequences of their actions…. and hurt others in the process.

So, in that sense, guilt can be a very positive thing. Guilt helps us monitor ourselves and do well by others. However, that’s not the whole story. In addition to good, appropriate, or “healthy guilt,” there is also inappropriate guilt.

Understanding Unhealthy Guilt

Did you have one or more parents who tended to blame others for their problems, or make other people “responsible” for their actions or feelings? Blamers tend to raise children who are little guilt-factories. Even if your parents were lovely, at some point in your life you might have been involved in a relationship, or social system that was highly critical of you — leading you to doubt yourself or blame yourself for everything.

Another thing that can be true is if you are a highly conscientious, responsible, and competent person, you may tend to take on more than you can carry. When you inevitably fail — because you’re trying to do more than anyone possibly expects of you — you might feel guilty that you couldn’t do it all. (And if this is sounding familiar please oh please listen to my “perfectionism” podcast.)

If you’ve lived through these life experiences: having blaming parents, critical partners, or just being a supernaturally competent person, you may be more likely to feel inappropriate guilt, accept inappropriate blame from others, and criticize yourself for things that are not your fault.

The Consequences of Unhealthy Guilt

Toxic, unhealthy guilt bubbles up when you feel responsible for other people’s feelings or misfortune even when, logically, you have no control over the situation at all. This kind of guilt leads you to “help” others by trying to solve their problems or sacrificing your own needs in favor of theirs. Unfortunately, this only serves to enable bad behaviors, which paradoxically perpetuates long-term suffering.

Inappropriate guilt disempowers you and can lead you to stay in abusive or unhealthy situations. Guilt can tell you that standing up for yourself or setting healthy boundaries is “being mean.” Guilt can tell you to try a little harder and heap more on yourself, even in situations where you are being mistreated.

In fact, guilt and depression often walk hand in hand. This team can easily trick you into believing that everything is your fault and that you are a terrible person. Guilt may even metastasize into shame.

This kind of negative self-talk can breed an avalanche of consequences because when you genuinely feel like a horrible person you will make choices that will often lead to negative life experiences. Then when you get “evidence” that you are awful, inappropriate guilt and depression become that much harder to fight back against and a downward spiral of shame begins.

But Brene Brown is here to save you from shame. Seen her amazing TED talk about shame yet? Check it out:

 

 

Healthy Strategies to Handle Unhealthy Guilt

Don’t let unhealthy guilt grow into soul-crushing, toxic shame. Instead, try these strategies to bounce unhealthy guilt out of your life for good:

Get Some Perspective: One trick that works well is to think about the guilt-inducing situation as if it were happening to a close friend. Imagine your friend living through the same experience, and how you would feel about your friend under the same circumstances.

Would you feel legitimately annoyed with your friend for doing what they did? Would you want them to try a little harder next time? Or would you look at the situation they’re feeling bad about, and think to yourself that they didn’t do anything wrong and they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves?

When in Doubt, Ask For Perspective: This might sound weird, but there are situations where it can be confusing to figure out if you’re in the wrong or not using the above strategy. Uncertainty about whether your guilt is legitimate or not is more common when you feel guilty a lot; it’s hard to know if you’ve actually messed up, or if you might be taking responsibility for something that you shouldn’t. In this case, run it past a friend, your coach or therapist, or anyone who you trust to give you truthful, yet non-judgmental constructive feedback.

Cultivate a Growth Mindset: When you really do mess up (and not if, but when — we all do) do not engage in inner verbal abuse, and beat yourself up. That’s not constructive. Instead, recognize that mistakes are precious learning opportunities, and give yourself the same reassuring or motivating pep talk you might give your friend.

For example, help yourself to learn and grow by saying “You can do better than this.” Or, reassure yourself by saying, “You did the best you could, and it really, genuinely wasn’t your fault.”  Good guilt will have done its inspiring job and led you towards positive change, and unhealthy guilt will be shown the door. Either way, you get to say good-bye to guilt, and start feeling better again.

Work on Boundaries: Lots of people are very pleased to hand over their issues, feelings, bad habits, expectations, and needs to a competent, loving person like you… and have it all be your problem to fix instead of theirs. If your guilty feelings are usually attached to having to be a certain way or do things to make sure that nothing upsets someone else in your life, you might want to do some personal growth work around boundaries.

Learning how to set healthy limits with loved ones is good for you, and it’s also really good for them too. Especially if you’ve been “over-functioning” to compensate for someone else’s “under-functioning.” When you lay down the load you’ve been carrying on their behalf, they’ll be more motivated to pick up what’s theirs and start moving forward under their own steam. And YOU, my friend, will be released of your unhealthy guilt. (Cue choir of angels).

There’s light and dark in everything. Though it often feels unpleasant to be in a state of “guilt” it’s an invitation to evolve. You’re being challenged to do better next time, or become more compassionate towards yourself. Either way, you grow.

All the best to you on your journey!

xoxo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

Hold the Phone! Is Technology Hurting Your Relationships?

Hold the Phone! Is Technology Hurting Your Relationships?

Power Off Your Phone and Power Up Your Relationships

It’s true that everyone’s lives these days are fueled and enhanced by technology.  How often have you stepped on a bus, been out at a restaurant, or have been sitting in your own home, only to look around and notice that everyone around you is staring down into the screen of a phone?

One of the most interesting aspects of technology is that we can simultaneously use it to both connect and to disconnect.

You may notice that by texting your partner in the middle of a hard-work day, you’re able to get that instant validation. It feels good! Perhaps, in that same scenario you play a quick game of Candy Crush to distract yourself from the mounting stress and pressure. This also feels good! You might then ask what’s the problem? This is clearly a tool to meet many needs at once.

Here’s the thing: oftentimes, unchecked technology use can prevent us from connecting with each other… and ourselves.

Imagine (or maybe you don’t have to imagine — because you’re actually doing this right now) you’re sitting on the couch next to your partner, as they’re scrolling through various social media accounts, playing games, etc. Is this someone you feel connected to? No, of course not.

Our phones can create a physical and emotional barrier. While we may be striving for connection through texting, checking Facebook, or sending an email, we are quite possibly ignoring our most important relationships and the greatest opportunities for connection as we do so. 

It’s also possible that through the distraction of social media (or whatever your technological vice may be), you are able to disconnect from your own internal process, so you don’t have to deal. First, we all do it and, let’s face it, sometimes a little distraction is necessary.

However, you may find that the more time you spend looking through pictures of everyone else’s “perfect” lives or tuning out those pesky emotions through virtual realities, the worse you feel. Why? Because in the minutes or hours you spent immersed in technology, you actually lost connection with those moments and — quite possibly — with yourself.

Here are two tips to help you manage your technology use so that it doesn’t interfere with your most important connections: 

    • First, acknowledge and notice what impact technology is having on your connections. (It looks different for everyone). Remember, the instant gratification that is often associated with technology is not always better. After all, it can leave us just as quickly. Challenge yourself to remember that the “connection” you experience from viewing other people’s lives through the picture-perfect lens of social media skews reality.

 

  • Secondly, set reasonable boundaries for yourself or household around technology use. For example, creating “no phone zones” like at the dinner table, or in bed will allow you to connect with your partner. Also having setting aside specific screen-free times of day to check-in with your partner can drastically improve your connection.

Actively make a choice to engage and connect with those around you…you have the power! Once you are able to peel your eyes away from that friendly glow, you may just find there’s another human right in front of you or better yet, you may even find yourself.

All the best,
Rachel Harder, M.A., LMFT-C

Advice From a Life Coach: How to Cope With Disappointment

Advice From a Life Coach: How to Cope With Disappointment

Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you wanted.

As a therapist and life coach, I frequently sit with people who have experienced terrible disappointments. (As well as those who are celebrating victories and successes). This week, I am aware that while some people are feeling pleased about the outcome of the recent election, many others are feeling very upset and afraid. So today on the Love, Happiness and Success blog I am reposting an article that originally debuted a few years ago in hopes that it may be helpful to those of you that are hurting, and sharing a podcast on the same subject.

With love and respect to all,

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

How to Cope With Disappointment

Having your dream crushed can leave you sitting in emotional rubble, feeling disempowered and confused.

Our disappointments have many faces: Causes, or candidates, you believe in get creamed. The most interesting first date you’ve had in a long time ghosts out. You realize that your partner is never actually going to change. The pink lines of the pregnancy test fade away, and the bleeding begins. Bad things happen to good people. People fail you.

If you get in the ring of life, sooner or later, you’re going to take a gut punch.

So how do you keep going? We know that grit — the ability to get back up and continue plodding forward despite adversity —  is the ultimate key to success. But It’s hard to maintain your hope and motivation when reality slams the door in your face.

If you’ve suffered with disappointment lately, here are three ideas that can help:

  1. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill

I love Winston Churchill’s wisdom regarding grit and determination. What his “going through hell” quote means to me is this: You can’t stay here.

Look around. Is your current reality what you want? If you stop trying, this is likely where you’ll stay. Scary, yes, but if you give up now and simply accept your present circumstances, nothing will change. Allow your fear to motivate you.

Yes, take some time to pause, grieve, and regroup. But never believe for a second that this is where the story ends. Just because it didn’t work out this time does not mean that it can’t be different next time. Learn from your mistakes, recalibrate your goals, and turn the page into a new chapter.

  1. Wring every drop of knowledge and meaning you possibly can out of adversity.

Negative life experiences are some of the greatest teachers we’ll ever meet. They give us an unparalleled opportunity to contact with our feelings, values, and untapped strength.

If you pay attention, you’ll notice that all disappointment offers you two choices— a vast black hole of fear, self-pity and despair, or a spark of light and hope. All adversity has a secret escape hatch, and the sign over the door reads “Growth.” When you walk though it, new possibilities emerge. Whether it’s being able to let go of resentments or expectations and find new tolerance and appreciation for your formerly impossible partner, access a previously untapped well of determination, break free from a self-limiting way of thinking, or simply entertain a brand new idea, accepting responsibility and reaching for growth is your ticket to freedom.

As improbable as this seems when you’re in a pit of despair, I know it’s true because I’ve seen people do this amazing work over and over again. I’ve also lived it. For example, after years of heartbreak and disappointment in dealing with secondary infertility, I was finally able to expand my definition of “motherhood” and accept new possibilities: My husband and I are now foster parents. That has been a very meaningful experience for us. When you stretch toward growth, new doors open and your life can transform in ways that were impossible to imagine previously.

  1. Tell the voice whispering in your ear, “It shouldn’t be this hard,” to go bother someone else.

The people who have the most difficulty in coping with disappointment are the ones who don’t expect it to happen, or who imagine that other people do not experience the same kind of adversity.

If this has ever crossed your mind, it may be helpful to remind yourself that it’s not just you. Welcome to the human experience. Nobody gets to passively glide up an escalator of constant-and-never-ending wins and successes.

New idea: It is actually this hard. For everyone, sooner or later. Meditate on the beautiful line that Jane Catherine Lotter wrote to her children, in her own obituary:

“And may you always remember that obstacles in the path are not obstacles, they ARE the path.”

Climbing over, tunneling under, circumventing, or bashing through obstacles  is the machine of self-actualization. How we act and what we do in challenging moments both reveals our character and helps us develop it. Understanding the harrowing nature of life emboldens you to meet it fearlessly.

Empowerment comes when you nurture the idea that truly valuable things worth having in your life, like building a good life or having a healthy relationship actually require tremendous effort. Just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not worth continuing to strive for.

Getting back up is what courage actually feels like, in practice. Allow your life experiences to strengthen you, to teach you, and to prepare you to fight another day. And in the timeless words of my muse today, Winston Churchill, “Never, ever, ever give up.”

 

Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, LMFT, BCC is the founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Denver, Colorado, author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to Your Ex Love,” and the host of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.

How To Cope With Disappointment

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Music Credits: Leonard Cohen’s “The Sisters of Mercy,” performed by Serena Ryder.

Subscribe to the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast on iTunes & Stitcher. Please rate and review if you enjoy the Podcast!

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast is Now on Stitcher!

How To Stay Motivated

How To Stay Motivated

Do you know what you need to do… but then don’t do it?

Here’s some free advice from a Life Coach: Setting goals and making plans are necessary to achieve your dreams. But your success will ultimately hinge upon your ability to do what you know you need to do consistently. And — here’s the hard part — even when you don’t feel like it.

One of the biggest things the Life Coaches do, as a matter of fact, is help people stay motivated. Having an accountability partner, and someone expecting you to do your homework rallies your motivation. Something about doing things “just for yourself” leaves you vulnerable to the opposite of motivation — which is being comfy, and indulging instant gratification. (Trust me, I know — it happens to me too).

If you’re like most people, it’s a challenge to stay motivated for the long term. Even though we logically know what needs to happen, it’s like there’s this imp that pulls us off track. “The Imp” loves being comfy. It wants to do whatever feels good right now. It whispers excuses in your ears like, “Just watch one more episode” when you know you need to go to bed. It promises, “We’ll exercise tomorrow!” when know you need to get your butt to the gym instead of tapping-to-snooze nine more times.

And — as you know — it is very, very powerful.

If you’re like most people you started the new year with some firm plans in place. You were ready for a fresh start. You were hopeful about making positive changes this year. And, if you’re like most people, since then you’ve had time to notice the war inside of you that happens when you are trying to stay motivated: Your head pulling you in one direction, and “The Imp” pulling you in another. If you’re like most people, “The Imp” has had a few wins since New Year’s Eve… and may even be well on it’s way to throttling your motivation back into apathetic acceptance of the status quo.

In other words: You’re already in the danger zone.

Developing a new kind of relationship with the forces inside of you and learning how to keep your motivation strong (and your “Imp” in it’s place) is absolutely crucial if you want to make things happen in your life. It’s the core of the work you do in Love, Life or Career Coaching. (Read: What’s the difference between Life Coaching and Therapy?)

We started this year off by reflecting on your strengths and accomplishments, connecting with your core values, and thinking about what kinds of positive action would actually move the needle for you this year.

Now it’s time to work on building the motivation that will actually get you there. On episode 64 of The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m discussing how to get a handle on instant gratification, and how to keep your motivation firmly in charge.

While you’re on iTunes listening, don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE to the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast. Also, if you podcast like the it would mean the world to me if you left a review saying so — YOUR support is what helps this show grow!

Now, let’s talk: Self awareness is key to mastering motivation. What’s your first clue that Instant Gratification is taking over? How do YOU get motivation back in charge? Discussion time is in the comments!

(Music Credits: Ray Rude, “Transform”)

How to Stay Motivated: Listen Now

How To Stay Motivated

by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby | Love, Happiness & Success

Subscribe to the Love, Happiness & Success Podcast on iTunes & Stitcher. Please, rate and review if you enjoy the Podcast!

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast is Now on Stitcher!

Growing Self Counseling & Coaching