Invest In Yourself

Invest In Yourself

Invest In Yourself

You Deserve Compassionate Support

As a therapist, life coach, and marriage counselor, I admire each and every person who gathers the courage to schedule an appointment with me and seek support for themselves, their relationships, or their families. I know that they’re investing in themselves because they believe they are worthy of investing in. Such self-awareness, wisdom and healthy self-love is always inspiring.

Do You Prioritize Everything Except Yourself?

Too many people put themselves on the bottom of the heap, investing in every other aspect of their lives — their education, their career, their children, their friendships, their homes — but rarely their own personal wellness, or their hearts desire. Is this you?

If so, you probably put off investing in yourself, getting professional help, and taking positive action to improve your life… though you’re there for everyone else. You may think about it sometimes but quickly talk yourself out of it, minimize your feelings, or prioritize someone else’s needs

If this sounds familiar, my guess is that you would describe yourself as a naturally strong person, but the downside of “being strong” is that sometimes it comes with a price: Not taking care of you, the way you take care of others.

But it’s easy not to take care of you, isn’t it? Especially when it comes to things like getting involved in therapy, couples counseling or life coaching. There are so many persistent myths in our culture about all the reasons NOT to get support, and it’s time to bash them! 

What’s Keeping YOU From Investing In Yourself?

Let’s talk through some of the most common reasons I hear for why people avoid getting help and investing in themselves, and why they’re not true!

Myth #1: “Therapy should be reserved for times when you really need it, and I don’t have it ‘that bad.'” 

This is one I hear frequently, even when people have resolved to book a therapy or coaching appointment with me. 

Believe it or not, even people in a lot of pain sometimes feel guilty for doing something to help themselves. They tell me about challenges they face, or hard things they’re grappling with but then quickly say, “But so many others around the world have it so much worse. I’m really so lucky.” 

While being grateful and keeping things in perspective is a wonderful strength to have, it’s also a liability if it makes you feel like you don’t have a right to your feelings, or can’t feel sad, angry or hurt about something true for you. 

As a feminist-oriented therapist, I am always happy to have a conversation about power and privilege, and I firmly believe that we are all worthy of healing and belonging. 

If there is something in your life that feels painful or difficult to overcome, my hope for you is to feel like you deserve to be supported just as much as anyone else. 

If you feel guilty when you think about making your feelings a priority, think about it this way: investing in yourself as a way to make yourself even stronger, and more able to give empathy and compassion to other people. 

Truth: Your experience and your emotions matter. YOU matter. 

Myth #2: Therapy is for couples who are on the brink of ending their relationship or divorcing. We aren’t there yet, we can fix this on our own. 

Too many couples buy into this. 

Perhaps conflict in your relationship occurs fairly infrequently currently, yet when it does occur you notice that you and your partner tend to sweep things under the rug and avoid addressing the conflict. You might write this off to a one-time thing, or feel that because it’s infrequent, it won’t matter in the long run. 

However, each time we sweep conflict under the rug or avoid it all together, we are slowly solidifying the pattern of our relationship. This pattern makes it not only more likely that conflict will become more frequent, but potentially also increasingly eruptive and ultimately, more damaging to your bond over time. 

If you happen to notice early in your relationship that you and your partner are conflict avoidant, talk about reaching out to a therapist or a relationship coach so that you can identify effective ways to face conflict together and strengthen your bond and understanding of each other.

Myth #3: If we go to couples counseling we are admitting that our relationship is unhealthy. 

We know from marriage and family researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman that conflict is inevitable in every relationship. What separates “healthy” couples from “unhealthy” couples is what they DO with it. 

The healthiest, happiest, strongest couples are the ones who openly address their differences and find ways of proactively, constructively working through things together. Couples who do this important growth work strengthen their relationships. Couples who seek support for their relationship, and who are open to learning how to communicate and compromise will have more positive outcomes. Investing in their relationships sets them up for success long-term.

Couples who avoid this work, or who allow unresolved conflict to simmer, fester, and become increasingly toxic are inadvertently damaging their relationship. By sweeping things under the rug and not getting help for their relationship, they are increasing the likelihood that their relationship will fail. 

Furthermore, research into couples and family therapy shows that the couples who choose to work together on their relationship sooner rather than later have better outcomes. Any marriage counselor will tell you that it’s much easier to work with a couple who still like, love, and trust each other. 

Couples who wait, ignore problems, and let anger and resentment build up often enter couples counseling on the brink of divorce. There is so much regrettable history between them, so much hurt, and so much damage done that — even with the best marriage counseling — sometimes their relationship is simply too far gone to repair. 

Investing in your marriage sooner rather than later is like taking care of your health: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Myth #4: I’m too busy, whatever I’m dealing with can wait, it will be too expensive, and / or there just isn’t any time. 

When I was in graduate school a common phrase we heard was “What we resist, persists,” and the more I sit with couples and individuals in my office, the more I find this to be true. 

I frequently meet with those that have been “avoiding” therapy by placing it lower and lower on their list of priorities and by the time they’re in my office, they are overwhelmed and exhausted from carrying their distress for so long. 

Often times, these are the individuals who spend a great deal of time taking care of others and rarely make time for themselves or their own needs. Or they are couples with children and stressful careers and aging parents who truly can’t fathom stepping away for an hour for fear of everything falling apart.

Or sometimes people put this off because they’re worried about how much therapy, life coaching or marriage counseling will cost…. Without considering the value investing in themselves will bring to their lives. They’ll spend money on furniture, vacations, or home improvement projects without much thought. But when it comes to investing in their own health and happiness, their success, or in their most cherished relationships… they stop themselves. 

One way to shift this self-limiting perspective is to think about this from the other side. Asking yourself questions like: 

  • “What is the cost of me NOT investing in myself?”
  • “What is the real price of me continuing to feel unhappy, or dissatisfied with my life?”
  •  “What am I losing, long term, by NOT investing in myself, or in my career, or in my marriage?”
  • “How is neglecting myself, my happiness and my relationship impacting my children?”
  • “How is the way I’m currently living impacting my health?”
  •  How much will it cost me — in dollars and cents — if we get divorced, or I never achieve my full earning potential in my career?”

When you put the short-term investment in yourself in context of the costs or benefits to aspects of your life that are genuinely priceless… it changes your perspective.

You Deserve Love, Happiness and Success

I want you to know that I see you, and that your well-being and happiness matters just as much as anyone else’s. You deserve space to cultivate growth and healing; you deserve time to rest and reset. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you don’t have to carry this alone.   

 If you see yourself or your relationship in any of the myths above, my hope for you would be to spend some time reflecting on what is keeping you from this work. 

Remember though, whenever you are working with a coach or a therapist, you aren’t in this work alone. Are there other myths or beliefs you have that keep you from reaching out for support? Comment below and let’s continue this conversation!

Brittany Stewart, M.A., LMFT-C is a couples counselor, individual therapist, premarital counselor, and a life and relationship coach. She works with her clients to build connected relationships, restore emotional bonds, and grow in their capacity to love others as well as themselves.

Let’s  Talk

Read More by Brittany Below!

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How to Get Organized

How to Get Organized

Are Your Pencils Sharpened? Are Your Ducks in a Row?

Any Life Coach or Career Coach worth their salt will tell you that part of making great things happen in your life depends on your ability to be organized, at least to a degree. You may be blazingly talented and creative but if you can’t manage your self, your possessions, your tasks and your time well enough, you are going to flounder.

Likewise, if you are stressed, preoccupied, or feeling overwhelmed with all of the details you have to manage, you are not going to feel very happy OR be present in your relationships.

Learning how to get organized and stay that way is a foundational life skill: Your ability to keep your self together is the platform from which you build great things — occupationally, creatively, and relationally. (Don’t even ask me how many marriage counseling sessions I’ve sat in where the focus of the entire conversation was around one person’s inability to get places on time).

Furthermore, when you’re disorganized it makes you feel anxious and out of control. Small tasks that should be easy start to feel hard because you can’t find basic tools to accomplish them. (Like a stamp …Or your shoes.) Little things become big things, procrastination carries you away, and all of a sudden you feel overwhelmed.

Help is here. On this episode of the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m speaking with expert professional organizer Lisa Woodruff of Organize 365. (www.organize365.com) She has lots of practical tools and tips to help you get your life back together again, plus a great plan for helping you stay in a good place long term.

How to Get Organized: Listen Now.

Embrace the Power of Risk

Embrace the Power of Risk

A Good Life Coach Has to LIVE

Part of becoming a good therapist or life coach is becoming the kind of person who lives what they teach about how to feel happier, have better relationships, and feel more satisfied with life. One major life-lesson for me has been around the power of risk, and how magic can happen when you are brave enough to take a chance and try something new.

Because nothing is going to change until you do.

Allow me to share a personal story, in hopes that it inspires you to look at the opportunities you may have in your own circumstances to embrace the power of risk… and let some fresh air in to your life.

The adventures of a lifetime seem insane, at first.

You would think that the moment my husband asked me if I wanted to live in an RV and be a nomad for a year would stand out in my mind as being kind of a big deal. The sort of life changing event should happen in a dramatic setting — like standing on windswept cliffs overlooking a fjord or something. But the truth is that I don’t actually remember it at all. I probably just started getting mute links to travel blogs of young families who traveled full time in my in-box, which was then fodder for dinnertime conversation. My husband Mat Bobby is subtle in his craftiness.

Under ordinary circumstances, I think my mind would have instantly shut this new idea out. My preoccupation with risk and possible consequences would have shouted down the quiet voice saying, “This could be really cool.” Ordinarily, if I had considered leaving our home in Denver and blowing around the country with our young child, it would have been like flipping channels on a TV screen and having every station broadcasting a different catastrophe. Kidnappings. Breakdowns. Murderous strangers in isolated campgrounds. Financial ruin. Or vague anxieties that whined, “But that’s just not what responsible people DO.”

But the truth is also that at the time we started talking about this, I was at a low point. I was doing my internship to finish my PhD, and working crazy hours at a community mental health center in North Denver, seeing clients who were often extremely traumatized and unwell. I became vicariously traumatized and unwell in the process. And even though I’d delayed the start of my internship by a year to be home with our new love-child, I was still up many times through the night with our toddler. Then one of my clients died of an “accidental overdose” that may or may not have been a suicide. I was devastated.

To deal entirely new levels of grinding, unstoppable exhaustion, stress, and trauma during my internship I had to find new ways to cope (learning many more valuable life-lessons in the process — stay tuned for more on that subject). But one way I dealt with it was through simple distraction.

My reading tastes shifted from my usual daily diet of scholarly articles and serious, introspective novels that tackled the human condition to reality TV shows, entertainment news, and the Twilight series. (Don’t judge me).

So when MB started sending me links to travel blogs about living full time in an RV my mind probably leapt to it as another entertaining diversion that would protect me from thinking about the horrors that would otherwise fill my mind. So I let it in.

It wasn’t scary because I didn’t take it seriously. It was kind of fun to think about — sort of like talking about what you’d do if you won a lottery ticket. The pre-travel discussions themselves brought fresh energy to our marriage. We would wander around our Capitol Hill neighborhood, rattling the stroller along the uneven sidewalks, and talk about where we would go, and what we would do if we were full-time nomads. I wanted to go to the southwest. I imagined doing yoga alone in a vast silent desert, fragrant with sage. Mat wanted to go anywhere-but-here. He was living in his own small hell at the time, driving back and forth from home to work, to sit in a cubicle and peck code into a dead screen. Our conversations about the possibilities of travel and adventure were our oasis.

Daydreams are the seeds of a new reality.

Until my sneaky husband started sending me pictures of actual Airstream travel trailers that were for sale on Craigslist. And that we did actually have enough money in the bank to buy one. Oh, and that more and more people in his industry were working remotely, so as long as we had internet access he’d still be able to do his job. I was so numb, and generally exhausted that my usual anxieties must have been throttled into unconsciousness. Because eventually I found myself in the passenger seat of our shiny new red pickup truck, speeding across Ohio with an envelope thick with cash, to purchase a thirty-foot Airstream travel trailer sight unseen.

The moment we bumped into the backyard of the farmhouse and saw our new home, shining like a silver loaf on the moist green grass, my anxiety flittered back to consciousness. Too late to halt the insanity that had possessed us both, but soon enough to purchase insurance before we rolled out of the driveway with our gleaming home in tow. Insurance that paid for the repair after one of the supposedly “new” tires blew out on the long haul back to Colorado, tearing out the entire wheel-well in the process.

So began a year that was challenging, chaotic, uncomfortable, scary, and…. Alive. We traded Saturday trips to box stores for canoeing amongst manatees in the warm clear springs of Florida. Instead of pushing our stroller up and down the same rut of blocks in Capitol Hill we pushed it around old costal towns like Savannah and St Augustine. We caught beads at Mardi Gras. We floated in hot springs under the New Mexico desert sky. We ate Dungeness crab that we caught off a dock on the cool, misty coast of Oregon.

That year is a string of shining, precious memories strung together like a necklace of priceless jewels. We had adventures together, experienced once-in-a-lifetime moments as a family, and were both ultimately pushed into greater contact with our authentic selves. I’ll tell you more of those stories sometime, too.

But today, the point is about learning how to take the kind of risks that allow you to crack your life open and let fresh, new energy come in. For me it took extreme circumstances for risk to over-ride my natural apprehensions, and let the possibilities flow in. But I don’t think it has to be that hard for you.

Here’s the punchline, the take away, the big life lesson (which corny to say but I mean it sincerely): Let yourself dream. Don’t take zany, “but that’s impossible” thoughts too seriously. Don’t listen to the little voice inside your head that has 47 reasons why everything is a terrible idea and won’t work.

Just give yourself permission to have interesting conversations about possible possibilities, and see where the winding road of your imagination takes you. Who knows — it might turn into the literal road that you drive into a new reality.

10 Best Things About Being a Denver Life Coach

10 Best Things About Being a Denver Life Coach

The 10 Best Things about Being a Denver Life Coach:

10) Denver clients arrive for life coaching appointments with twigs in their hair, dirty running shoes, and a big grin on their face.
9) Conversations begin with statements like, “Yeah, you know, I was sitting on top of Mt. Evans the other day and I realized that….”
8) You stay up-to-date on lifestyle and fitness apps.
7) On any given day you’re likely to hear about hundred-mile road bike races, marathons, triathlons, mountain bike crashes, camping trips, ski cabins, hot springs, and beer tastings.
6) Phone calls from chair-lifts.
5) Half of your life coach sessions with “Denver” clients are actually through FaceTime or Skype from their hotel rooms in Austin, San Francisco, New York, or Vail.
4) Your clients email you interesting self-improvement articles from the different blogs they follow.
3) Getting baby pictures.
2) Your high-achiever clients are always eager for their next coaching homework assignments and always complete them before their next session.
And the number one best thing about being a Denver life coach??
1) When your beautiful, happy clients refer their wonderful friends.

The Secret to Success: Grit

The Secret to Success: Grit

What’s The Number One Factor Associated With Success?

Could there be one “magic bullet” that will help you create the positive outcomes you’re hoping for? One strategy, one personal practice to focus on that will unlock the doors to Love, Happiness and Success far more powerfully than any life coach or self help book?

If there is, it’s name is Grit.

At least, this is what research is suggesting. Dr. Angela Duckworth started with one simple question: Why do some kids do better than others in school? Her subsequent research blew the top off our traditional understanding about why people succeed while others fail.

To sum up the findings, it’s not about intelligence, socio-economic status, or environment. Kids who did well academically did so because they persevered through adversity, and were able to control short term impulses in favor of long term goals.

Watch Dr. Duckworth’s wonderful TED Talk about Grit.

In recent years, Dr. Duckworth and her fellow researchers have been extending her original research, and seeking to understand the relationships between Grit, Self-Control, and a host of positive outcomes for adults as well as kids. It seems that everything from stable marriages, to feeling happy to personal wealth can be mediated by these variables.

Kind of a big deal.

Learning to harness the power of Grit and Self Control will get you farther than the right self-help book or life coach. In fact, a big part of what good life coaching involves is teaching people how to get grittier. (And once you’ve gotten gritty and in control of yourself you can pretty much fire your life coach.)

So today on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast I’m so honored to be speaking with David Meketon a former teacher and school administrator who works with Dr. Duckworth. He’s going to be talking more about the research behind Grit and Self Control, and also provide us with some practical strategies that we can use to develop these qualities in ourselves.

Listen Now and Learn How to Cultivate Grit

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